Anyway, I'm pretty mad. I see hidden messages around of stimulating me in perverted ways and others I care about.
So, I had a dream. I can't remember the beginning. There were 2 people for some reason picking me up like they cared about me.
I'm going back to bed. I wasn't listening to music.
I was also thinking if my parents had to listen to the inklings through their grandparents, they'd be zapped out.
Anyway, I don't really look up to some people who have adverse reactions to things I didn't quite react to in that fashion.
My dad should not have any part of my life in certain ways, and it keeps coming back as a point now.
I don't have any privacy even to get mad if something happens to me, physically, and it doesn't happen to others, quite like that. I don't want it to, so don't worry about me, hopefully it won't ever happen to you. :( I don't need to feel like a suck up to people who wrong me at all, neither.
So, I hope everyone is doing well.
So, anyway, one of the people, the 2nd one I felt more|better from but not as long.
Oh yes, then I had a dream about a guy coming over to fix stuff.
Why do I always feel so insulted?..
So, it was a long, tall guy at first and my mom was there. I had fish in my room and in the living room. He wanted to feed them in the living room. The guy turned out to be more burly but still long in form, with a square head. He seemed kinda greasy in build.
Oh yes, I don't like being bothered...
So, I told him I would go on a date with him eventually, said some things, but I told him I was in a complicated situation. We walked around awhile. There were some video games with something else on like a white cardboard box and other things. I asked if he played video games, and my mom like smiled. He did. I tried to mention all the games that existed to me, WOW, something about a college I remembered, and maybe something else. Then, I said I couldn't remember another one about a college.
So, I found that this exercise DVD I have isn't enough. I have to go back to some others and eventually get more. I am kinda happy I got the dress, I guess, didn't really expect to run out of money, ended up paying for some food, too, even though my aunt gave me money for food before. I guess sometimes my dad has me pay for different things.
I find my parents are always pressuring me to do things that can be seen as imperfect and then relentlessly getting at me, for comlpicated situaions.
I find my life is useless, about useless messages. Things are brought up that wouldn't really come up, otherwise, but maybe they would be by others.
So, yes, a very good dream, very replicable.
I just hope things go better. It seems my parents acted a certain way because I felt mad alone.
Also, I will not live saying at least I did this at least I did that, neither. My life will be free, and people will feel sorry for me. Sure, I gained some things supposedly, but really my life is just barren.
Friday, September 21, 2012
Dreams
It's hard to remember right now, but if I get a faint memory back I will. I'm going back to bed, too.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Good Night?
I guess I'll go to bed now. Wake up, maybe work out in some way, then get dressed and sing. Maybe get to take a nap.
Maybe, I'll lie on my couch first. I have to be in bed to sleep well, though. I'm listening to iTunes radio.
Maybe, I'll lie on my couch first. I have to be in bed to sleep well, though. I'm listening to iTunes radio.
Discomfort
I guess I was uncomfortable around my dad because he picked at me a lot. My mom is not really European, so I was kinda shy around her, in a way. I don't know what happened. My brother was something of a suck up, in a different way. I know I'm supposed to find other people to interact with, but they always go away or something. I'm left with no one. I talk about Tim Burton a lot, but it's like he's too good for me. In the area, though, I was gonna look for a class, but maybe I won't. The transportation is difficult. I guess I'm overcoming the physical limitations of my life. I just don't feel like I have what you'd call pprivacy. It's like "1984." Most people wouldn't want to be me, they think. Who would?
I'm upset I got so mad lately. Hopefully it won't happen, again, but I didn't do anything to anyone.
I'm upset I got so mad lately. Hopefully it won't happen, again, but I didn't do anything to anyone.
Always Always Always
Why do I find someone is always critiquing on me with some criticism that I can't settle down after doing something wrong?
My Head
I was just in the bathroom and I had the lights off and I saw black where my body was but didn't see my head. Like, it was the background.
Problems
I'm so mad I just got mad. I was putting away my laundry and I remember my iron fell over and I put it down hard. I threw the water across to the sink. I was a little rough, in general. I think I threw the towels in the bin. I was about to hit the wall and yelled like a caveman and didn't.
I just felt really picked on, like sorta stripped of my dignity, that things would come up later, when they weren't supposed to. I guess I can take it as a settle, but maybe I was just feeling guilty and knew I had it coming.
I sorta solved my problem and realized in real life I wouldn't do what I could do. I don't know how people will deal with my "guilty conscience." It seemed to fit in and was accepted already. Not sure what exactly the issue is. We never seem to have enough fun. Something always goes wrong.
I hope this doesn't happen again. Today, I felt stimulated in the middle, and then it felt empty, but that's okay since it seems I would feel that anyway. I took a shower. I think that's why I was mad. I didn't even exercise. I guess I just have to remember to do that.
I also realized people had problems with people of different ages. :| :{
I just felt really picked on, like sorta stripped of my dignity, that things would come up later, when they weren't supposed to. I guess I can take it as a settle, but maybe I was just feeling guilty and knew I had it coming.
I sorta solved my problem and realized in real life I wouldn't do what I could do. I don't know how people will deal with my "guilty conscience." It seemed to fit in and was accepted already. Not sure what exactly the issue is. We never seem to have enough fun. Something always goes wrong.
I hope this doesn't happen again. Today, I felt stimulated in the middle, and then it felt empty, but that's okay since it seems I would feel that anyway. I took a shower. I think that's why I was mad. I didn't even exercise. I guess I just have to remember to do that.
I also realized people had problems with people of different ages. :| :{
A Little Bit of Philosophy...
People don't realize that they take pleasure in telling others they're wrong.
How gay!
People don't get that I'm pretty worn out. I don't work and haven't even showered in awhile.
I worked out and don't feel well.
I can't cook but like vegetable soup.
People are always so antsy around me. How gay!
I worked out and don't feel well.
I can't cook but like vegetable soup.
People are always so antsy around me. How gay!
STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'M SICK AND TIRED OF DEALING WITH MY DAD NOT BEING ABLE TO HANDLE HIMSELF AND FOR MESSING UP MY LIFE.
I got upset and I have freedom of thought!!!! Stop bringing up the past!
I got upset and I have freedom of thought!!!! Stop bringing up the past!
Leave me alone!
Leave me alone! I don't need my dad's needless advice. Everyone just wants to see my dad mistreat me. Leave me alone!
My Dad
I don't like my dad. He brings things into my life from the past. I almost hit the wall and was putting down stuff hard and probably almost screamed. I Don want to say he's not very cool.
I was dodging certain thoughts as though I was not supposed to have them.
I thought maybe I'd have a good day. I'm not feeling too well because my parents didn't listen to|take care of me.
I Was blubbery as a baby at one point. When I turned 2, though, my hair wasn't as smooth, already quite dark. I had fat dripping from my face in like an arranged way. I gradually got lighter, but then my brother was born, the opposite of my ideals. Always nagging at me it seemed why he was different! I didn't look cute then but did at some points. Then, I started to feel stimulated in a bad way.
Ugh! I'm so mad! Leave me alone! I don't wish to writhe in pain.
So, yea, I started to feel stimulated in a bad way. I might have had it coming with all the stress from school.
I just want to get violent.
So, I didn't look so good in kindergarten, but in a way I looked intelligent.
I was dodging certain thoughts as though I was not supposed to have them.
I thought maybe I'd have a good day. I'm not feeling too well because my parents didn't listen to|take care of me.
I Was blubbery as a baby at one point. When I turned 2, though, my hair wasn't as smooth, already quite dark. I had fat dripping from my face in like an arranged way. I gradually got lighter, but then my brother was born, the opposite of my ideals. Always nagging at me it seemed why he was different! I didn't look cute then but did at some points. Then, I started to feel stimulated in a bad way.
Ugh! I'm so mad! Leave me alone! I don't wish to writhe in pain.
So, yea, I started to feel stimulated in a bad way. I might have had it coming with all the stress from school.
I just want to get violent.
So, I didn't look so good in kindergarten, but in a way I looked intelligent.
Um..
People are busy calculating what's wrong with me because of 1 mistake in a moment of crisis and forget their place altogether! D8
Being Over and Above Others
That "n" word thing has ruined my life. I don't know why, but it seems the whole world is at me for every little thing I do because I claim to be over and above them, which I am. }:)
What to Do
It's funny there's nothing really relaxing online to do. I guess I'll go lie on my couch. I don't feel like clean and good. Maybe, I need a bath. I was too tired to go exercise.
Fat
I used to hide behind a little fat, for some reason. I dunno, I'm not sure what I think of myself, but I didn't want to be how I was before, exactly, not sure how I could change that now.
Skinny Peoples
I have a strange habit of noticing people I'm skinnier than, basically, or was and sorta saying I don't need them because I'm skinnier and I'd be better if my life weren't as hard.
Feelings
It seems that people get off what's interesting to poke at our feelings like because they've already molded theirs a certain way.
People
I'm so mad right now. Just because my mom made me forget to write my cousin, it seems that like it's so important. Whenever I'm not considered perfect, others suffer. It shouldn't even come up. I didn't do it on purpose. I just was made to forget. I find that people not from Florida, while dysfunctional, are able to knock me out. I don't like people who are sarcastic and take my word and twist it around to fight back at me, too. EVeryone knows that if someone does something supposedly for you that you owe them back. I find that I'm able to knock people out in certain ways, too. PEople ... Also, while I think all people should safely be considered victims of their environment, I don't think they are perfect nor that I approve of their racism towrard me. Maybe, they seem perfect, but it's hard to say that like it's not being spoiled.
My Life
I learned a lot in my life, but other people seem to know what I should do.
I guess people just don't understand the incredible racism faced on me that messed up my thinking. I was pretty safe.
It's like I never really lived and was always considered menial to others.
I don't like how people are onto me privately like I'm a bad person, like boring into me painfully.
I guess in Orlando, there are a lot of people from up north.
I never had a chance and was judged for being weird, basically.
Maybe, it's because I didn't write to my cousin, but I thought my mom made me forget. I don't want her to get in trouble for influencing me and not making my life comfortable, while other people are spoiled dumb.
My parents pretty much just lived pressuring me making me feel watched and stuff like I didn't have to live, not interacting with me, not letting me be with others much at all, feeling mocked all the time. I probably wasn't comfortable at conception.
I hope that people who were interested in me learn to back off my case. Obviously, people are not perfect.
Well, I find I am still in the same place and wish that people would get along and get what they want in life.
I am hoping that I can eradicate my position somehow. I couldn't finish college nor think to change my major.
I don't believe in reminding me of things constantly that I didn't do on purpose. Like, things are so important that I mess up on and so personal. That just doesn't make sense. I know people who make mistakes for wrong reasons, not like because they are crazy.
People know people get insulted for being on my side, cut to the quick like it's nothing and there's no point fighting back.
I just need to be independent, but I don't feel healthy yet and am unsure of when and how I will. I am not sure what work-outs will work well enough for what I'm used to like growing up as a young person, the same challenges.
People want to submit to my parents discplining me like in signals rather than openly letting me say I fixed myself, too, and that's just wrong, you know, the way they do that, too.
So, yes, I wish my life went better and that I didn't owe anyone anything.
I guess I'm just mad that I didn't remember to write my cousin back, maybe because I had problems. It seems that's affected my self-esteem.
I pretty much have been a pretty private person. I don't know if it was the influence of others, but I built myself some sort of personality, I think. Basically, I kept to myself from earlier on. As time went on, things became nostalgic, though, and I used to wave and say hi to people and it was neat. I guess what pained me post was wearing glasses and like getting fatter, which I got glasses first. I was in pain even before the incident I mentioned...
I guess I don't know what influenced me to be who I was. I am so mad that it's as though I didn't do it myself, but the truth is I did. See, I was like I was before, and then I changed into someone else. I changed back, again, more improved, but it was't for the reasons you'd think. It's too bad I don't have the right pictures. I had some videos, too, from a hurricane, not sure where this material would be.
I realize that others's lives have sucked, as well, and I am sorry for this and wish them better. I know that pretty much life for others has been based off the fact I messed up, too, but I'm all for people being rewarded and living, never too old.
I guess people just don't understand the incredible racism faced on me that messed up my thinking. I was pretty safe.
It's like I never really lived and was always considered menial to others.
I don't like how people are onto me privately like I'm a bad person, like boring into me painfully.
I guess in Orlando, there are a lot of people from up north.
I never had a chance and was judged for being weird, basically.
Maybe, it's because I didn't write to my cousin, but I thought my mom made me forget. I don't want her to get in trouble for influencing me and not making my life comfortable, while other people are spoiled dumb.
My parents pretty much just lived pressuring me making me feel watched and stuff like I didn't have to live, not interacting with me, not letting me be with others much at all, feeling mocked all the time. I probably wasn't comfortable at conception.
I hope that people who were interested in me learn to back off my case. Obviously, people are not perfect.
Well, I find I am still in the same place and wish that people would get along and get what they want in life.
I am hoping that I can eradicate my position somehow. I couldn't finish college nor think to change my major.
I don't believe in reminding me of things constantly that I didn't do on purpose. Like, things are so important that I mess up on and so personal. That just doesn't make sense. I know people who make mistakes for wrong reasons, not like because they are crazy.
People know people get insulted for being on my side, cut to the quick like it's nothing and there's no point fighting back.
I just need to be independent, but I don't feel healthy yet and am unsure of when and how I will. I am not sure what work-outs will work well enough for what I'm used to like growing up as a young person, the same challenges.
People want to submit to my parents discplining me like in signals rather than openly letting me say I fixed myself, too, and that's just wrong, you know, the way they do that, too.
So, yes, I wish my life went better and that I didn't owe anyone anything.
I guess I'm just mad that I didn't remember to write my cousin back, maybe because I had problems. It seems that's affected my self-esteem.
I pretty much have been a pretty private person. I don't know if it was the influence of others, but I built myself some sort of personality, I think. Basically, I kept to myself from earlier on. As time went on, things became nostalgic, though, and I used to wave and say hi to people and it was neat. I guess what pained me post was wearing glasses and like getting fatter, which I got glasses first. I was in pain even before the incident I mentioned...
I guess I don't know what influenced me to be who I was. I am so mad that it's as though I didn't do it myself, but the truth is I did. See, I was like I was before, and then I changed into someone else. I changed back, again, more improved, but it was't for the reasons you'd think. It's too bad I don't have the right pictures. I had some videos, too, from a hurricane, not sure where this material would be.
I realize that others's lives have sucked, as well, and I am sorry for this and wish them better. I know that pretty much life for others has been based off the fact I messed up, too, but I'm all for people being rewarded and living, never too old.
My Hard Life
I felt like I could keep going but was stopped. I felt I wanted what was different than what I got and that I was judged by how I was raised compared to the strengths of others.
Why I'm Interesting - or Why I Was Interesting
I guess what's interesting about me is I am from Fort Lauderdale, grew up in the area first and remember it well, though I was only up to age 5. So, when we lived in Northeastern Florida, it was more urban, still "Florida," the east coast. There was a girl from L.A. who'd be like the most famous girl in the world, born 4 months after me. She had white hair and blue eyes and looked very good. Funny thing I guess no one liked her because she was younger. She didn't want to be my friend. My hair got much lighter that year, but I moved away and it wasn't the same. So, I connected to her well. I had spoken with her. The only time she came up to me was to borrow a pen. That year was so cool in the end, 1997-1998, not sure why. Oh, yes, my brother's class, I used to help out with. When they went to music class, they said hi to me and I waved back. That was neat. I think that's why I said that thing to my dad, but I wonder why I didn't write back to my cousin.
So, that girl like guided the class. She was new. I had been there for 2 years prior. I feel all L.A.-ed but that it's because I'm from Southwestern and Northeastern Florida.
I think I was pretty interesting when I was a very young girl, too. When my brother was born, though, my hair was cut to my shoulders and then I wasn't interesting. I grew it longer as almost a pre-teen or when I hit puberty.
It seems my life has always been about if I get an attitude since my brother was born or maybe before that I wasn't in line. However, I experienced a deep cut of racism that others don't have to go through.
So, that girl like guided the class. She was new. I had been there for 2 years prior. I feel all L.A.-ed but that it's because I'm from Southwestern and Northeastern Florida.
I think I was pretty interesting when I was a very young girl, too. When my brother was born, though, my hair was cut to my shoulders and then I wasn't interesting. I grew it longer as almost a pre-teen or when I hit puberty.
It seems my life has always been about if I get an attitude since my brother was born or maybe before that I wasn't in line. However, I experienced a deep cut of racism that others don't have to go through.
My Life!
I don't know why it's such a big deal some things I did in the past. People act like I made them do stuff and all that.. I never had enough privacy. I always had a sense of discomfort. I haven't felt right since I thought my life was an experiment. I find the obstacle is that people think I did something wrong. I guess I can think of maybe 1 or 2 big things for you to be the honest judge of and comparing me to if I can function. I don't know when, but I didn't write back to my cousin in Indonesia, and neither did my brother to the other cousin, who is younger. I just forgot. I even thought my mom made me forget. I just sensed that was true. I was supposed to make myself think of it, too, but I don't see how that would be possible. Like, they sent this really nice stationary and are pretty neat and stuff, and my parents didn't like buying stuff for me all the time and it's not like we went out to shop just anytime. So, this was when I was possibly 7-8. I wrote back, though, when I was 25. I had troubles from time to time and as a young adult, thinking my life was an experiment. Then, when I was in 6th grade, I guess my life had gotten miserable to epic proportions, in my judgement. I don't see why it's such a big deal because my parents were encouraging that my rude friends were better than me, especially my mom, it seemed. So, I just wanted to be funny and when my dad came home from work, I'd say, "Oh, no," because I was so sad I wasn't done with my homework and couldn't get to know him. I didn't say why because it wasn't "cool." After maybe a week, my mom told me to stop. I gained weight for the first time in my life. My mom didn't take us on walks anymore, and I stayed up even later doing homework, from feeling so bad. I mean, I wouldn't do it, now. It's just another mistake, and, if I understand correctly, most people actually make mistakes all the time.
"Gay" People
People in homosexual marriages don't usually have children, so I don't quite know what to think.
Ellen DeGeneres's Family Life
http://youtu.be/KyMx477-wxI
So, I was watching this interview and was disappointed to find that she didn't have kids but probably would want some herself.
So, I was watching this interview and was disappointed to find that she didn't have kids but probably would want some herself.
Bad PEople
People have been playing around with me a lot lately, just saying I don't deserve this and that. I've always been told I was a good person. I've been told I was too good, and now people think they're better than me and I don't deserve to exist and that I'm imperfect because I've messed up. Those times were hard, though.
Dream
Only the other person than Ellen DeGeneres's younger pictures stimulated me.
Also, I think after I saw her, it turned out to be my aunt, at the computer.
Also, I think after I saw her, it turned out to be my aunt, at the computer.
Dream
Before I had this dream, I was able to feel from another person I made up kinda, which was kinda weird, and I guess it was kinda a direct feeling. I used to do that all the time.
Dream
Okay, so this wasn't perverted, yet unexpected.
It's hard to remember very early on. So, there were some other girls around my age or 20 and I in Ellen DeGeneres's house. I guess I was special to her sine I followed her, most. I Was on the floor with them in front of a TV, which seemed to have like words on like kinda technical and old-fashioned more. I was sitting with my knees up, and she came up to me and said, "Here's some popcorn," and put it in the crack of my lap, which affected me very much, I think in that area. It sorta lingered. No metally feeling. I tasted the popcorn a lot, pretty salty and warm. Next thing I remember I was asleep in a similar place on the floor and was curled up in a ball. She completely lifted me off the floor under my arms, which made me fell a lot, and said "get up" because apparently I had to go to the bathroom, I was in a ball. I did when I woke up. I had just woken up before that.
So, I don't remember what it felt like, now, I mean I do but don't feel it nor feel it's very important to.
I know next I was outside a kinda fancy apartment, one building with huge windows up and down, which were empty I took pictures by. My relatives were there. I shouted out about the vaccuum. My grandma was near. I ended up doing it, on the streets. I was off for some reason and back. I think my grandma was going around doing something. There was a big sign at the window. It turned into something risky for som reason, don't remember what.
I guess before that, I was with Ellen DeGeneres and someone else and thinking about 2 peoples's younger pictures, which stimulated me for some reason. I felt comforted by them, more with Ellen DeGeneres in the area. It was dark and wet probably, but I was just "there." Then, the first scene I described happened.
I guess what was most memorable was the feeling of beeing sheltered in my dream by what was represented as "Ellen DeGeneres." So, I felt very close, yet obstacled. Okay, so she was in this dream a person keeping special watch over me. For some reason, I felt stabilized, evne on my own, probably because of the strength my mom had me grow up with. For some reason, I guess, she understood me pretty well but apparently was also figuring out her relationship with me. It was just so nice, like I guess I was there for some reason with other people, not in some nice place alone and more contained. She was so comforting. When she was alone with me and picked me up, which I really felt, which who knows maybe it was real, she was so like cuddly and stuff but not mushy. It's like I was so special and not a baby baby but like innocent yet smart. I guess it is something special to do things with others for reasons other than just doing them and you happen to do them and like you have more privacy and stuff. Like, when you finally meet someone. I probably, as I do in general in things like this.., like a feeling of kicking my legs back, though except I did want to go to the bathroom, like wanted to stay with her. It wasn't bad. I guess it happens all the time, I mean, just noticed it this time physically as a reaction. It's just the way things are, in general, for people. The other girls were kinda dark, thin, and muscle-less, rounded, with like an inch of fat sticking out on them like blubber. They were taller and leaner than me. It was nice when I was given the popcorn, too. I think there was a lot more of her in this movie. I mean dream. I don't remember it.
But, yea, I had a very special relationship and at least 2 points of "physical" contact, which made a big difference.
It's hard to remember very early on. So, there were some other girls around my age or 20 and I in Ellen DeGeneres's house. I guess I was special to her sine I followed her, most. I Was on the floor with them in front of a TV, which seemed to have like words on like kinda technical and old-fashioned more. I was sitting with my knees up, and she came up to me and said, "Here's some popcorn," and put it in the crack of my lap, which affected me very much, I think in that area. It sorta lingered. No metally feeling. I tasted the popcorn a lot, pretty salty and warm. Next thing I remember I was asleep in a similar place on the floor and was curled up in a ball. She completely lifted me off the floor under my arms, which made me fell a lot, and said "get up" because apparently I had to go to the bathroom, I was in a ball. I did when I woke up. I had just woken up before that.
So, I don't remember what it felt like, now, I mean I do but don't feel it nor feel it's very important to.
I know next I was outside a kinda fancy apartment, one building with huge windows up and down, which were empty I took pictures by. My relatives were there. I shouted out about the vaccuum. My grandma was near. I ended up doing it, on the streets. I was off for some reason and back. I think my grandma was going around doing something. There was a big sign at the window. It turned into something risky for som reason, don't remember what.
I guess before that, I was with Ellen DeGeneres and someone else and thinking about 2 peoples's younger pictures, which stimulated me for some reason. I felt comforted by them, more with Ellen DeGeneres in the area. It was dark and wet probably, but I was just "there." Then, the first scene I described happened.
I guess what was most memorable was the feeling of beeing sheltered in my dream by what was represented as "Ellen DeGeneres." So, I felt very close, yet obstacled. Okay, so she was in this dream a person keeping special watch over me. For some reason, I felt stabilized, evne on my own, probably because of the strength my mom had me grow up with. For some reason, I guess, she understood me pretty well but apparently was also figuring out her relationship with me. It was just so nice, like I guess I was there for some reason with other people, not in some nice place alone and more contained. She was so comforting. When she was alone with me and picked me up, which I really felt, which who knows maybe it was real, she was so like cuddly and stuff but not mushy. It's like I was so special and not a baby baby but like innocent yet smart. I guess it is something special to do things with others for reasons other than just doing them and you happen to do them and like you have more privacy and stuff. Like, when you finally meet someone. I probably, as I do in general in things like this.., like a feeling of kicking my legs back, though except I did want to go to the bathroom, like wanted to stay with her. It wasn't bad. I guess it happens all the time, I mean, just noticed it this time physically as a reaction. It's just the way things are, in general, for people. The other girls were kinda dark, thin, and muscle-less, rounded, with like an inch of fat sticking out on them like blubber. They were taller and leaner than me. It was nice when I was given the popcorn, too. I think there was a lot more of her in this movie. I mean dream. I don't remember it.
But, yea, I had a very special relationship and at least 2 points of "physical" contact, which made a big difference.
Personality
People think what I got from my friends doesn't count and that you should do it from birth and that you have control over it.
,:o
Why are people so harsh on me, literally?
Also, when I do something wrong, it's because of something that's not my fault. I'm already a properly functioning ... person!
Also, when I do something wrong, it's because of something that's not my fault. I'm already a properly functioning ... person!
Ellen DeGeneres. :|
So, I was thinking, in bed, about stuff ... relatives ... then Ellen DeGeneres. :| I was astounded. Her mom's last name might be Jewish, but it may be Austrian, though it doesn't say she is. I think I have Jewish last names from my dad. Anyway, supposedly, it's the same as my mom being Asian, Chinese-Indonesian. So, I was beginning to relate. My dad's last name is Normwan-Welsh-Irish, Norman being common, Viking-French, as in Norwegian Viking! I'm not Norwegian, but my grandma has Norman-Irish and Norman-English. Then, though, I realized that maybe in some ways it's like she's younger. That's fine, but it probably would make her mad that I think that. It is possible to not be
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Frazzled
I'm feeling okay, want to go to bed, kinda would like to eat but probably too tired. Am feeling better from the good food. It'll be awhile if I recover. I don't know why I just didn't make it to the grocery store just a little sooner. I got my workout DVD yesterday and am doing better from it. I was thinking of going online and watching Ellen DeGeneres videos, but I might try to go to bed, instead. :|
I hope I have a good dream about something exciting, something complicated but that I can remember and that I wake up and write about it all.
I should probably lie down and think of something and post it.
I hope I have a good dream about something exciting, something complicated but that I can remember and that I wake up and write about it all.
I should probably lie down and think of something and post it.
Problem
It seems people have taken time into dynamic proportions, and who knows what triggered what. It seemed orchestrated, to me. It's stuff that happens to everyone. I've made my suggestion. The only thing different about me is that I ended up calling someone who was only almost 2 the "n" word, but I didn't do it by deciding I was the one who decided I wanted it for that person. It's because they were almost 2 and they are white. Also, it was online and deleted quickly, too.
Under Pressure :0
I notice sometimes people make themselves suffer things that are like pressured on them by others.
Ellen DeGeneres
Oh no!
I got mad at Ellen DeGeneres for seeming to think something bad. I couldn't really control my logic, though.. I don't know why.
I got mad at Ellen DeGeneres for seeming to think something bad. I couldn't really control my logic, though.. I don't know why.
Scared
Um, so why is everyone scared of someone else in how they treat me? Who's the threat? I thought we figured out I was right. How can we put a stop to this?
Also, I know some people are busy calculating things and never live. They try to stop others from living, too.
Also, I know some people are busy calculating things and never live. They try to stop others from living, too.
Chloë Moretz
Chloë Moretz hangs out with people other than Tim Burton, and she's not with him, now. }:|
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Why follow bad people?
Also, I thought I was pretty smart.
Something suddenly come up?
Chloë Moretz should Tweet @TheEllenShow?
Also, I thought I was pretty smart.
Something suddenly come up?
Chloë Moretz should Tweet @TheEllenShow?
Ellen DeGeneres and Chloë Moretz
Ellen DeGeneres has a new-founded interest for Chloë Moretz, and I fodder her for that.
Chloë Moretz
Chloë Moretz moved from Atlanta very young to NYC and became a child actor. My relatives are from Pennsylvania and New York. I'm a very moral person, and she seems to think she's a more moral person.
My Grandma
Sometimes, my grandma seems to not want me to "even go there." I wanted to pay her a visit.
The "N" Word Thing
Why did people treat me like trash for the "n" word thing? It wasn't even my idea. I probably shouldn't have listened, but I thought it was for fun, didn't really go first in a way,
Thoughts
Why are people doing all these things in case something happens and not listening to me?
Also, some people are discriminated against for having trouble in their lives and for "showing off" to established people.
Also, I don't sink low to make fun of someone.
Not everyone uses the same tactic in their lives.
If one thing is okay to mess up on, then why not another? Why only ruin some peoples's lives?
You think that you can totally outdo with someone and make no one sorry for them.
Some people are bad and think others should suffer the same thing, like "not live."
Also, some people are discriminated against for having trouble in their lives and for "showing off" to established people.
Also, I don't sink low to make fun of someone.
Not everyone uses the same tactic in their lives.
If one thing is okay to mess up on, then why not another? Why only ruin some peoples's lives?
You think that you can totally outdo with someone and make no one sorry for them.
Some people are bad and think others should suffer the same thing, like "not live."
White People
I think the message of white people was that they do have fun in a European way but it's not in a way that would harm you or make you feel jealous, in the least. Maybe, they end up being too careful.
Kids! What's the matter with kids! (To-day!)
Kids are always telling me not to get attention of adults.
Danger!
So, like accomplished|famous people want you to suffer the public to butter them up, when the public is already on your side, very obviously and totally against them, and they want to make you think that's not so and bore it into your head.
Good Show
What a good show.
Ellen was starting to speak about American Airlines, which always plays after her show.
New Orleans has a good airport, but it's not very big.
Oh, yes, and there were Asians dancing at the beginning and the end, pro at the end.
Ellen was starting to speak about American Airlines, which always plays after her show.
New Orleans has a good airport, but it's not very big.
Oh, yes, and there were Asians dancing at the beginning and the end, pro at the end.
Ellen DeGeneres
So, Ellen DeGeneres when she feels racist decides that she likes people who are sillier and younger better all of a sudden.
I found it interesting, too, that she has white hair and I am aware my relatives had light hair.
I found it interesting, too, that she has white hair and I am aware my relatives had light hair.
Mean People
People are so mean to me. I'd like to get it out on them.
I was watching the man with the disease on "The Ellen DeGeneres Show" and suddenly my left foot ankle went limp and sorta mellow and still is. Like on the front. I prized how it was kinda stiff and bent because it's a foot and it has strength.
I was watching the man with the disease on "The Ellen DeGeneres Show" and suddenly my left foot ankle went limp and sorta mellow and still is. Like on the front. I prized how it was kinda stiff and bent because it's a foot and it has strength.
"The 'Stupid' Ellen DeGeneres Show"
We'll see what happens when you start to comment.
I can't believe people don't do it.
It'll show that you don't know what to write.
I mean, I hope you do, but I know you won't.
I can't believe people don't do it.
It'll show that you don't know what to write.
I mean, I hope you do, but I know you won't.
People From up North
I don't wish to be dished into that category, but people who move here as a kid seem to be thought of as pleasurably conniving. I mean, they grew up feeling so like weighted down and then move to somewhere more mobile. They tend to live their lives tricking others.
Oops! I forgot to add why I was mad.
I used to have nightmares in high school and maybe even grade school that I would meet someone famous, vaguely, and, instead, they would pay attention to people I know they wouldn't otherwise. I don't know "the reason." :|
Dream
I don't remember all of it, I think.
I was in a big back room. It was kind dark. 2 relatives came and asked me if I wanted to do something with them, I think taking the big dance class. I was on my bed or maybe like a prison bed for some reason and my arm was stretched over my head. I was like no no no, no I'm going ot the DOCTOR tomorrow! They still wanted me to go. They turnd into 2 young girls holding my hands. I think I did go with them eventually. It was in the other room, a dance class. I fumbled with money in 3 methods. I started the class. The instructor was a tall, obese male with a flat rounded oval head and eyes that stuck out and dark hair and lighter skin. He got mad my money probably didn't go through, on my credit card, and said I'd spend a day in jail. I found that a girl who was nice to me, a younger one, was his daughter, and the older one was in my class.
There was another part I was in a car with my parents, somehow, and we went there for some reason, and it turned out it was a smoothie place. I was waiting in the car.
I remember now also when I was in the dance class, I watched myself and for some reason my eyes were moving so beautiful and glassy, like twitching back and forth rapidly but like milkily, magically kinda.. They seemed maybe even bluish.
I think the dream was serious.
I was contemplating doing something I don't really do instead of dance, staying in that room and contemplating like touching someone. I think I was. I don't know, but I used to think about that, when it happened. Now, I've sorta made up stuff. I was lying on my sofa lately, to avoid it but did not sleep as well, this time. Whenever I get in my sheets, I could chose to avoid this, but I get stimulated. I now end up thinking of stuff that relates to thoughts during the day. I like to feel stuff, but it's hard. I feel inhibited and surrounded. I'd prefer to feel something from another person than myself. I like to make up stuff, but it's not as good. I suppose the best thing is to make up being touched by someone you already know somewhat well.
It's funny, I don't know if I wanna go back to bed. I'll probably stay up and watch "The Ellen DeGeneres Show."
It was so hard to believe I imagined my eyes like that, so magical, so pretty, in all this.
The room where I took dance behind the other one was so big, too.
I was in a big back room. It was kind dark. 2 relatives came and asked me if I wanted to do something with them, I think taking the big dance class. I was on my bed or maybe like a prison bed for some reason and my arm was stretched over my head. I was like no no no, no I'm going ot the DOCTOR tomorrow! They still wanted me to go. They turnd into 2 young girls holding my hands. I think I did go with them eventually. It was in the other room, a dance class. I fumbled with money in 3 methods. I started the class. The instructor was a tall, obese male with a flat rounded oval head and eyes that stuck out and dark hair and lighter skin. He got mad my money probably didn't go through, on my credit card, and said I'd spend a day in jail. I found that a girl who was nice to me, a younger one, was his daughter, and the older one was in my class.
There was another part I was in a car with my parents, somehow, and we went there for some reason, and it turned out it was a smoothie place. I was waiting in the car.
I remember now also when I was in the dance class, I watched myself and for some reason my eyes were moving so beautiful and glassy, like twitching back and forth rapidly but like milkily, magically kinda.. They seemed maybe even bluish.
I think the dream was serious.
I was contemplating doing something I don't really do instead of dance, staying in that room and contemplating like touching someone. I think I was. I don't know, but I used to think about that, when it happened. Now, I've sorta made up stuff. I was lying on my sofa lately, to avoid it but did not sleep as well, this time. Whenever I get in my sheets, I could chose to avoid this, but I get stimulated. I now end up thinking of stuff that relates to thoughts during the day. I like to feel stuff, but it's hard. I feel inhibited and surrounded. I'd prefer to feel something from another person than myself. I like to make up stuff, but it's not as good. I suppose the best thing is to make up being touched by someone you already know somewhat well.
It's funny, I don't know if I wanna go back to bed. I'll probably stay up and watch "The Ellen DeGeneres Show."
It was so hard to believe I imagined my eyes like that, so magical, so pretty, in all this.
The room where I took dance behind the other one was so big, too.
MAD
It feels like my eyes are popping out of my head! D:{ I didn't do it!
Just because it's "going around" doesn't mean I AM PARTICIPATING.
Just because it's "going around" doesn't mean I AM PARTICIPATING.
Dream
It's hard to remember all of it. I remember I was going around. We were walking along a highway, gives me a feel with the struggles with "The Ellen DeGeneres Show." There was one lane with a cute name we walked along. We were gonna go a "cooler" way, but it said to butterfly into this. It was like a second road sticking out. We all sat around. There was like a paper of music, and the 2nd song seemed like a church or gospel spirit song. It was, however, "Ding Dong Merrily on High." I sang it and was loud right before the high part and kinda at the end. There was, you know, maybe 20 people there. I remember an obese black person with sorta big folded over eyes. I had a relative there it was interesting to "perform" for. I didn't know the rest of the songs. It was a bleak setting, black.
It was a sentimental feel, reminding me of the seriousness of "The Ellen DeGeneres Show."
So, I guess I still am tired because I didn't really sleep that much and was on my couch. I'm also hungry.
It was a sentimental feel, reminding me of the seriousness of "The Ellen DeGeneres Show."
So, I guess I still am tired because I didn't really sleep that much and was on my couch. I'm also hungry.
Dream
I just remember mostly that they were coming up with ideas of stimulating someone, just ideas, the most they could. I was in the car with my mom after awhile. She was telling me to write an essay. I didn't feel right about an afterthought and became harsh but not mad.
The idea remained that it was real, but I knew it was wrong.
I was sleeping on my couch, gonna go back to bed.
The idea remained that it was real, but I knew it was wrong.
I was sleeping on my couch, gonna go back to bed.
Older People
Older people are pretty selfish and basically are liars and, ultimately, make no sense.
I figured that people didn't grow up successfully.
Anyway, I already told you, I am not really impressed with the antics of Tim Burton. I don't mean his basic nice things. I mean what I got to know posting about him every day for 5 years. He's a center of attention, but basically he's only about his daughter, his youngest child.
I figured that people didn't grow up successfully.
Anyway, I already told you, I am not really impressed with the antics of Tim Burton. I don't mean his basic nice things. I mean what I got to know posting about him every day for 5 years. He's a center of attention, but basically he's only about his daughter, his youngest child.
Ellen DeGeneres
Why should I care about Ellen DeGeneres? Because just because of something that happens I know that she pretty much like makes a certain decision about something... and then I know that pretty much a lot of other people make similar decisiosn.
Why
Wow, I can only see some messages I chose to see.
I wonder why Ellen got so violent at that man? I guess I can see what she was doing. I don't know why?
I wonder why Ellen got so violent at that man? I guess I can see what she was doing. I don't know why?
Not Worth It, in Certain Things.. ..
I do like to get attention, but it seems that I'm not worth it, in some cases. I wish I was.
Things
So, I feel bad about being mean to someone and getting so mad. I didn't do anything to this person, but they like changed my life.
I believe I have formed a life in Florida. I can react very quickly, or maybe it's just something my body does.
People are afraid of what I can draw in, but I will let them have attention if they let me have my life, not to say I will stop something for no reason nor that I would really give something up for them. I'm just saying, in day to day life, I do that, but maybe some cases no, though actually...
I guess with that person, I'm just mad because things for me only changed for the better after I was used and made to look like a fool, as summed up, pretty much, though you could go on.
I'm not sure how I'll deal with it. I'm just mad in general and being poked at. If I am made to be tortured, some bad thoughts|words may come to my mind. I don't really find that to be the climax of what I do usually.
I believe I have formed a life in Florida. I can react very quickly, or maybe it's just something my body does.
People are afraid of what I can draw in, but I will let them have attention if they let me have my life, not to say I will stop something for no reason nor that I would really give something up for them. I'm just saying, in day to day life, I do that, but maybe some cases no, though actually...
I guess with that person, I'm just mad because things for me only changed for the better after I was used and made to look like a fool, as summed up, pretty much, though you could go on.
I'm not sure how I'll deal with it. I'm just mad in general and being poked at. If I am made to be tortured, some bad thoughts|words may come to my mind. I don't really find that to be the climax of what I do usually.
So, I did get "mad," when...
Ellen kept stuttering to a man with a disease where he stuttered after he was happy, like he was ... you know, a "nigger?" I don't associate that with him, just with what she did. She kept doing it, though, like as to torture him. I know, tonight, at the store, I thought I wanted to surround someone with words since just "nigger" wasn't enough for what was done to me. I guess she got him on a rapport, herself. Dunno what happened there. Maybe, it was like buttering him up for safety, and she knew he could stand it.
I really lost my "rapport," which, in a way, ultimately, doesn't matter, but those things aren't supposed to ever happen...
I don't know what's wrong with me. Before I left with my dad, I was okay. Then, my eyes popped out of my head, and I got mad because it was so insulting and pointless and controlling.
My mom told me never to get mad...
I still don't get some things, and they like loom over me as topics I could think about. They're not physically over me, though, like some things are outside of me. :/
I really lost my "rapport," which, in a way, ultimately, doesn't matter, but those things aren't supposed to ever happen...
I don't know what's wrong with me. Before I left with my dad, I was okay. Then, my eyes popped out of my head, and I got mad because it was so insulting and pointless and controlling.
My mom told me never to get mad...
I still don't get some things, and they like loom over me as topics I could think about. They're not physically over me, though, like some things are outside of me. :/
Feelings
So, I know I want to feel a certain way. I don't understand some things.. I figured everyone has their own dynamic, but, essentially, aren't we all the same?
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