Sunday, September 16, 2012
Dream
So, the feeling was... I dunno, kinda ready I guess. It's like it just happened. I forget what I was gonna say! It was kinda a close feeling, honestly not as close as close could be but still close. It's the only time I've dreamed of feeling like this, something not along the lines of a metally feeling, which also I don't feel much readily in any dream.
Dream
It was a nice dream. I've felt highly stimulated, at first by Tim Burton and then I suppose increasingly about his daughter. I'm pretty mad about it.
So, no Ellen DeGeneres|Tim Burton this time. Wait, yea, Tim Burton was supposed to be there. There was one time I went into the bathroom, I guess 3 other people there, one Helena Bonham Carter, who've I've eventually channeled mentally. I was looking for Tim Burton in the shower, and because of the nature of what I knew was a dream I said, "Dad?" Only Helena Bonham Carter was there, and in the dream, though I didn't figure any private parts was naked.
So, I guess, for some reason I had a preprogrammed reaction to her and felt more in this dream than any other. I didn't feel a lot, like you'd think. It was just a sorta emotional feeling. I was connecting because I thought I was Polish and Swiss Jewish from my dad's mom, and her mom is mostly Jewish.
So, like, maybe 30 times, I went up to her and put my arm around her waist because she was there and I did like her. She put her arm around my shoulders each time. I think I was like calling her mom because of the dream. I dunno. It's hard to describe the feeling...
At one point, my mom threw my white laundry on the bed, and for some reason I thought that was real. I was listening to my classical music on iTunes radio, and she told me to wake up, her and my dad, and have hamburgers. Since it was hamburgers, I went out to the kitchen twice. I thought something evil and told them halfway, like sorta, in anger, to make up for an excuse for feeling stimulated but did not mean it.
This might seem scary, but it was like I woke up and felt that pins and needles feeling, all staticy, along my torso, from Helena Bonham Carter in her pretend anger. Then, I was in Alice in Wonderland with her running as a Queen with me like on my torso. I was feeling silly but not disgusting. It was as though that was when I first encountered her in the dream, though, somehow.
Later, I kept going up to her. It was nice. I guess she was rubbing my shoulder and like hugging me each time, each time a little different. I didn't feel that sorta metallic feeling, at all, more a mellow scratchy feeling. It was a bleak setting. I went out to run, with a big calendar by the day with little papers you can tear off or write in for something and leg lifts. The other thing was some opposite. For some reason, I still heard music and had a hard time. It was that way with my parents, too. I found in my ear were little microphones, rather headphones. I kept reaching in and pulling them out and became antsy because still no luck. So, I was being made fun of racially, I think. I went back to her and like drawled "mom" to her and put my arm around her waist, her pretend kind of waist, and she put her arm around me. Eventually, I was better.
There was one time, when she was pregnant, had a big stomach especially up and down, kinda fat like me. That was kinda sad for me because I had to go away. She already had 2 kids, though, so I dunno.
So, then, I guess we were at some sort of meeting. She was probably carrying me, yes, in a scary setting that was kinda demented I think. I know I was sleeping in bed with my brother, next to my grandma. She said my brother would be a girl indian, and he gave in, like heaved a sigh. I was worried my grandma would kill me. Her face was looking flat and rounded on the side like a mask and not very thick. She looked a bit unhealthy like me and shriveled. I was in bed with them twice. I called my brother a nigger virtually but indirectly just to make him feel better because I obviously was very mad, told my parents, who saw, and it worked. There was one time we were up, not many times, not much time, and my grandma was like slurping water from the ground. Her face was flat with a flat nose and mid section sticking out, her nose with another bump at an angle at her forehead. She smiled approvingly like she was tricking me. She was doing it for some reason I don't know. She was tricking, but it wasn't for me, I believe. :( That's what I wanted to think, that it wasn't at all for me.
So, I guess I was sorta eventually wallowing in my race to Helena Bonham Carter but in a mature way completely on my part and hers. I think she was picking me up|carrying me. I don't know how realistic it was, not very tangible. Eventually, it became a bit violent and she went away turning into a long, slim, tubey, somewhat thick, red dragon, but she came back and put her arm around me again a few times or for awhile.
So, the highlight was feeling a reaction from her without doing anything after feeling about 4 times pins and needles after I got mad about her and she entered my dream.
It was just so nice that I just kept feeling comfort from her, kept putting my arm around her, and she cuddled me really, pretty satisfying, safe, and consistent, yet in reality it was disgruntling. It was nice when she hugged me, too, made me feel just a little silly in a way. Nothing big. It was just nice, I mean, just that kinda tint.
She was totally accepting of me and totally free, no questions about it. I guess I was just feeling sick from the brain scan as aforementioned. I haven't been able to make a trip to the grocery store, neither. My dad was busy 3 days in a row I think 2 weeks ago, too, and haven't submitted to my last casting agency maybe or maybe some others. I have some hope for sometime. I've been feeling violent toward various factions but not bad, just imperfect. I'm sorta irritated, I guess.
So, it was just nice. I went up and put my arm around her and before the shower scene called her "mom" just because. It was the way the family was, whatever it was, in the dream. She was very comforting. How big was she to me? She was very big, not very tall. Sometimes, like a few inches taller. I just felt settled yet stimulated in a way that was okay and good each time. It was sorta like a spot, though, on the side, for some reason. I didn't think about it. Like, maybe almost a foot big.
So, no Ellen DeGeneres|Tim Burton this time. Wait, yea, Tim Burton was supposed to be there. There was one time I went into the bathroom, I guess 3 other people there, one Helena Bonham Carter, who've I've eventually channeled mentally. I was looking for Tim Burton in the shower, and because of the nature of what I knew was a dream I said, "Dad?" Only Helena Bonham Carter was there, and in the dream, though I didn't figure any private parts was naked.
So, I guess, for some reason I had a preprogrammed reaction to her and felt more in this dream than any other. I didn't feel a lot, like you'd think. It was just a sorta emotional feeling. I was connecting because I thought I was Polish and Swiss Jewish from my dad's mom, and her mom is mostly Jewish.
So, like, maybe 30 times, I went up to her and put my arm around her waist because she was there and I did like her. She put her arm around my shoulders each time. I think I was like calling her mom because of the dream. I dunno. It's hard to describe the feeling...
At one point, my mom threw my white laundry on the bed, and for some reason I thought that was real. I was listening to my classical music on iTunes radio, and she told me to wake up, her and my dad, and have hamburgers. Since it was hamburgers, I went out to the kitchen twice. I thought something evil and told them halfway, like sorta, in anger, to make up for an excuse for feeling stimulated but did not mean it.
This might seem scary, but it was like I woke up and felt that pins and needles feeling, all staticy, along my torso, from Helena Bonham Carter in her pretend anger. Then, I was in Alice in Wonderland with her running as a Queen with me like on my torso. I was feeling silly but not disgusting. It was as though that was when I first encountered her in the dream, though, somehow.
Later, I kept going up to her. It was nice. I guess she was rubbing my shoulder and like hugging me each time, each time a little different. I didn't feel that sorta metallic feeling, at all, more a mellow scratchy feeling. It was a bleak setting. I went out to run, with a big calendar by the day with little papers you can tear off or write in for something and leg lifts. The other thing was some opposite. For some reason, I still heard music and had a hard time. It was that way with my parents, too. I found in my ear were little microphones, rather headphones. I kept reaching in and pulling them out and became antsy because still no luck. So, I was being made fun of racially, I think. I went back to her and like drawled "mom" to her and put my arm around her waist, her pretend kind of waist, and she put her arm around me. Eventually, I was better.
There was one time, when she was pregnant, had a big stomach especially up and down, kinda fat like me. That was kinda sad for me because I had to go away. She already had 2 kids, though, so I dunno.
So, then, I guess we were at some sort of meeting. She was probably carrying me, yes, in a scary setting that was kinda demented I think. I know I was sleeping in bed with my brother, next to my grandma. She said my brother would be a girl indian, and he gave in, like heaved a sigh. I was worried my grandma would kill me. Her face was looking flat and rounded on the side like a mask and not very thick. She looked a bit unhealthy like me and shriveled. I was in bed with them twice. I called my brother a nigger virtually but indirectly just to make him feel better because I obviously was very mad, told my parents, who saw, and it worked. There was one time we were up, not many times, not much time, and my grandma was like slurping water from the ground. Her face was flat with a flat nose and mid section sticking out, her nose with another bump at an angle at her forehead. She smiled approvingly like she was tricking me. She was doing it for some reason I don't know. She was tricking, but it wasn't for me, I believe. :( That's what I wanted to think, that it wasn't at all for me.
So, I guess I was sorta eventually wallowing in my race to Helena Bonham Carter but in a mature way completely on my part and hers. I think she was picking me up|carrying me. I don't know how realistic it was, not very tangible. Eventually, it became a bit violent and she went away turning into a long, slim, tubey, somewhat thick, red dragon, but she came back and put her arm around me again a few times or for awhile.
So, the highlight was feeling a reaction from her without doing anything after feeling about 4 times pins and needles after I got mad about her and she entered my dream.
It was just so nice that I just kept feeling comfort from her, kept putting my arm around her, and she cuddled me really, pretty satisfying, safe, and consistent, yet in reality it was disgruntling. It was nice when she hugged me, too, made me feel just a little silly in a way. Nothing big. It was just nice, I mean, just that kinda tint.
She was totally accepting of me and totally free, no questions about it. I guess I was just feeling sick from the brain scan as aforementioned. I haven't been able to make a trip to the grocery store, neither. My dad was busy 3 days in a row I think 2 weeks ago, too, and haven't submitted to my last casting agency maybe or maybe some others. I have some hope for sometime. I've been feeling violent toward various factions but not bad, just imperfect. I'm sorta irritated, I guess.
So, it was just nice. I went up and put my arm around her and before the shower scene called her "mom" just because. It was the way the family was, whatever it was, in the dream. She was very comforting. How big was she to me? She was very big, not very tall. Sometimes, like a few inches taller. I just felt settled yet stimulated in a way that was okay and good each time. It was sorta like a spot, though, on the side, for some reason. I didn't think about it. Like, maybe almost a foot big.
*Sigh*
Ellen DeGeneres.
It's so nice to get close to her in my dreams and thoughts. I wonder what other people think of her? I'm still trying to think of a new Twitter name because it's required on her site and I was thinking of getting a more permanent one, in case you can't change it.
I wonder how other people see her. I see her for some reason as a very physical person.
Let's make up a story about her! I can make up stories about other people, too. :p
Hm... She's hosting a show. Like in a dream I had, she comes out and no one really wants to talk to her but I keep trekking her, like getting close but in some ways not feeling anything! * * * I'm not watching the show, anyway, but am backstage..
It's so nice to get close to her in my dreams and thoughts. I wonder what other people think of her? I'm still trying to think of a new Twitter name because it's required on her site and I was thinking of getting a more permanent one, in case you can't change it.
I wonder how other people see her. I see her for some reason as a very physical person.
Let's make up a story about her! I can make up stories about other people, too. :p
Hm... She's hosting a show. Like in a dream I had, she comes out and no one really wants to talk to her but I keep trekking her, like getting close but in some ways not feeling anything! * * * I'm not watching the show, anyway, but am backstage..
Dreams
I woke up once and forgot my dream.
It was something serious about Ellen DeGeneres telling people what to do. I probably got close to her.
I think it was rather harsh for me, don't remember what happened.
Maybe, I was just tired and thirsty. I was told to drink a lot after my brain scan with a needle in me I think injecting fluid. I took a shower when I woke up.
The memories are like at the tip of my tongue. I think Ellen DeGeneres was simply in charge.
It might have been a dim, warm-colored place, a bit harsh. I was in some turmoil of physical discomfort.
It was something serious about Ellen DeGeneres telling people what to do. I probably got close to her.
I think it was rather harsh for me, don't remember what happened.
Maybe, I was just tired and thirsty. I was told to drink a lot after my brain scan with a needle in me I think injecting fluid. I took a shower when I woke up.
The memories are like at the tip of my tongue. I think Ellen DeGeneres was simply in charge.
It might have been a dim, warm-colored place, a bit harsh. I was in some turmoil of physical discomfort.
My Forehead
That boy from New Orleans made my forehead feel tall, and more recently I felt it pop up again.
My Face Changing?
After I talked to my grandma, I had felt when I was talking to her that my face was like changed and not as detailed. It looked so detailed after I got my contacts. I had also been up all day singing.
Disrupting the Balance
Some things don't hit my nerve, and some things are going.
I can't get out of this mess.
Also, I was fine before Johnny Depp was famous.
I signed up for cross country and softball. The reason I liked drama so much was because my first year there was a boy there from the city, New Orleans. I guess he was gay and his friend died, but he was the most popular person when he was there and then left. It let the whole school down, secretly.
So... 8o
So, yea. I wasn't skinny enough, yet, though. The fat seemed to pop off me, though. I felt better when I stopped cross country but ran into a hard course and it brought my grades down. It was a big thing. I could have gotten by, but I was disrupted and called to the counselor. I also went to the mental hospital. I don't know if I would have changed schools, but I already changed my lifestyle. I could have easily but probably wouldn't. Also, if I wasn't recommended out of voice, I probably would have stayed in college or switched to another subject. They said I needed like lots of time at home, and I never went back. I'm stuck with a semester of F's from an online college. So, what happened was 2 friends visited me, and then they never talked to me again. I tried e-mailing them a lot. This was after.. Also, 1 friend's mom convinced me out of wanting to study on my own law and medicine. I was having a miserable life, though, but it just was disheartening to hear that from someone like her, like I did something wrong and she knew about it.
So, I wonder if that boy wasn't there what I'd look like. Also, my mom's mom came over. I never wrote to my cousin there, in Indonesia. So, I felt bad. I just forgot because it was so shocking and I had no fancy paper and my parents didn't like buying me anything it seemed, though my grandma complained every Christmas at a certain point that I had everything I needed. My mom's mom was here the semester before. My dad's mom came over the summer before I did bad in that one really hard class. I hadn't gone up north the prior summer to do some activities. I was in a community college. No, wait, I was working.
I thought I couldn't change. There was no ballet where I used to live, and I wasn't as healthy, anymore. I think my parents wish I went back into gymnastics and got mad I didn't after I took a break. Then, I couldn't be a cheerleader. I was gonna do dance team and backed out of flag team my 2nd year. I probably shouldn't have, but what about my joints?
Oh yea, I wanted to impress that boy, hoping he'd stay, but also my friend from San Fransisco didn't make it, so that's why I couldn't do it. I became well-liked that year, though. I became more devilishly reputed, though people didn't seem to realize that.
I guess I got fat because of the summer or something. I think I looked more like my mom's mom. I used to look more like the boy, not as fat.
Anyway, I could have done dance team and wish I did more physical activities.
I really now just feel attacked all the time and want to get out.
So, after my mom's mom came over, I didn't go up north to see my dad's mom.
So, I'm mad I got fat and looked different. I did, however, make the best of things but found myself out of it. Even my first day of school, I was obese.
I don't know why I looked so bad when I first came over. I looked worse when I left but not that bad and not fat. I had a more rounded look.
I probably should have done more physical activity, but it's funny I was already skinny. I just got a new workout DVD, like I said. It's ballet, dance, and Pilates. It's level 2. It does the whole body.
So, I dunno. I just went through the emotions and eventually took off, trouble with that class, which I thought to try out for Talented Theater and Talented Music and Talented Art ahead of time, very mad I didn't make Gifted until my 2nd year. The funny thing is no one wanted to move up a level from taking the advanced class until I went there, and suddenly everyone the grade ahead got in Gifted. I was the only one in Gifted in my grade in English. I was with one other girl in Math.
I think the cross country, though good, was too tedious. I should have also quit martial arts and tennis. I had fun with it, later, though, though it was a bit stressful. I still to this day prize, especially tennis, from starting a year and half ahead.
I wonder if I should have taken modern dance or harder ballet. I changed ballet schools but wish I went to a different one. The different one didn't have summer camp for my age after college.
I'm happy I did ballet. I got the DVD I did for workout because the girl on front looked best.
I can't get out of this mess.
Also, I was fine before Johnny Depp was famous.
I signed up for cross country and softball. The reason I liked drama so much was because my first year there was a boy there from the city, New Orleans. I guess he was gay and his friend died, but he was the most popular person when he was there and then left. It let the whole school down, secretly.
So... 8o
So, yea. I wasn't skinny enough, yet, though. The fat seemed to pop off me, though. I felt better when I stopped cross country but ran into a hard course and it brought my grades down. It was a big thing. I could have gotten by, but I was disrupted and called to the counselor. I also went to the mental hospital. I don't know if I would have changed schools, but I already changed my lifestyle. I could have easily but probably wouldn't. Also, if I wasn't recommended out of voice, I probably would have stayed in college or switched to another subject. They said I needed like lots of time at home, and I never went back. I'm stuck with a semester of F's from an online college. So, what happened was 2 friends visited me, and then they never talked to me again. I tried e-mailing them a lot. This was after.. Also, 1 friend's mom convinced me out of wanting to study on my own law and medicine. I was having a miserable life, though, but it just was disheartening to hear that from someone like her, like I did something wrong and she knew about it.
So, I wonder if that boy wasn't there what I'd look like. Also, my mom's mom came over. I never wrote to my cousin there, in Indonesia. So, I felt bad. I just forgot because it was so shocking and I had no fancy paper and my parents didn't like buying me anything it seemed, though my grandma complained every Christmas at a certain point that I had everything I needed. My mom's mom was here the semester before. My dad's mom came over the summer before I did bad in that one really hard class. I hadn't gone up north the prior summer to do some activities. I was in a community college. No, wait, I was working.
I thought I couldn't change. There was no ballet where I used to live, and I wasn't as healthy, anymore. I think my parents wish I went back into gymnastics and got mad I didn't after I took a break. Then, I couldn't be a cheerleader. I was gonna do dance team and backed out of flag team my 2nd year. I probably shouldn't have, but what about my joints?
Oh yea, I wanted to impress that boy, hoping he'd stay, but also my friend from San Fransisco didn't make it, so that's why I couldn't do it. I became well-liked that year, though. I became more devilishly reputed, though people didn't seem to realize that.
I guess I got fat because of the summer or something. I think I looked more like my mom's mom. I used to look more like the boy, not as fat.
Anyway, I could have done dance team and wish I did more physical activities.
I really now just feel attacked all the time and want to get out.
So, after my mom's mom came over, I didn't go up north to see my dad's mom.
So, I'm mad I got fat and looked different. I did, however, make the best of things but found myself out of it. Even my first day of school, I was obese.
I don't know why I looked so bad when I first came over. I looked worse when I left but not that bad and not fat. I had a more rounded look.
I probably should have done more physical activity, but it's funny I was already skinny. I just got a new workout DVD, like I said. It's ballet, dance, and Pilates. It's level 2. It does the whole body.
So, I dunno. I just went through the emotions and eventually took off, trouble with that class, which I thought to try out for Talented Theater and Talented Music and Talented Art ahead of time, very mad I didn't make Gifted until my 2nd year. The funny thing is no one wanted to move up a level from taking the advanced class until I went there, and suddenly everyone the grade ahead got in Gifted. I was the only one in Gifted in my grade in English. I was with one other girl in Math.
I think the cross country, though good, was too tedious. I should have also quit martial arts and tennis. I had fun with it, later, though, though it was a bit stressful. I still to this day prize, especially tennis, from starting a year and half ahead.
I wonder if I should have taken modern dance or harder ballet. I changed ballet schools but wish I went to a different one. The different one didn't have summer camp for my age after college.
I'm happy I did ballet. I got the DVD I did for workout because the girl on front looked best.
I know that people influence others's thoughts that don't make sense, and it was all like made up to begin with.
I do care about everyone, but I don't believe in hurting people mercilessly and believe that someone causes someone to do something like that.
It's hard for me to get into something that someone doesn't really think..
I just believe that some people are worse than others, and it's usually a battle of race.
I do care about everyone, but I don't believe in hurting people mercilessly and believe that someone causes someone to do something like that.
It's hard for me to get into something that someone doesn't really think..
I just believe that some people are worse than others, and it's usually a battle of race.
NO ONE WILL LISTEN TO ME!
They just keep at me. They like to ignore my points.
Why can't my life be normal?
Why can't my life be normal?
"Charlie and the Chocolate Factory"
I feel like Charlie in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
People think you're not a good person if you're better than them and probably create race as some reason.
I really just feel worn down from being beat at and in recovery from my whole life and not having a proper recovery!
People think you're not a good person if you're better than them and probably create race as some reason.
I really just feel worn down from being beat at and in recovery from my whole life and not having a proper recovery!
Using People..
People will sacrifice to sorta hurt someone else in some way to get their attention from someone else but make them accept it.
My Parents
They were supposed to provide me with an environment that was normal for living.
I can get close to other people in the world and try to raise my status in some way.
I can get close to other people in the world and try to raise my status in some way.
Another Point
I really don't care about other people.
I will not base my life around their problems as though it's something cool and then descend into it and create more problems of my own, as though it were fate.
I will not base my life around their problems as though it's something cool and then descend into it and create more problems of my own, as though it were fate.
}:[
In the conversation...
I don't think I'm a bad person, that I could change into one. That's not true!
I don't think I'm a bad person, that I could change into one. That's not true!
Weird People
I take it some people don't go through things like they matter and make fun of you if you do.
I guess people just get jealous and forget how mean they are.
I guess people just get jealous and forget how mean they are.
Changing Things
I don't know why people make up reasons for things when things are important otherwise..
I don't really change things when something goes wrong that's because of a very uncomfortable situation.
I don't really change things when something goes wrong that's because of a very uncomfortable situation.
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