I guess I'll go to bed now. Wake up, maybe work out in some way, then get dressed and sing. Maybe get to take a nap.
Maybe, I'll lie on my couch first. I have to be in bed to sleep well, though. I'm listening to iTunes radio.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Discomfort
I guess I was uncomfortable around my dad because he picked at me a lot. My mom is not really European, so I was kinda shy around her, in a way. I don't know what happened. My brother was something of a suck up, in a different way. I know I'm supposed to find other people to interact with, but they always go away or something. I'm left with no one. I talk about Tim Burton a lot, but it's like he's too good for me. In the area, though, I was gonna look for a class, but maybe I won't. The transportation is difficult. I guess I'm overcoming the physical limitations of my life. I just don't feel like I have what you'd call pprivacy. It's like "1984." Most people wouldn't want to be me, they think. Who would?
I'm upset I got so mad lately. Hopefully it won't happen, again, but I didn't do anything to anyone.
I'm upset I got so mad lately. Hopefully it won't happen, again, but I didn't do anything to anyone.
Always Always Always
Why do I find someone is always critiquing on me with some criticism that I can't settle down after doing something wrong?
My Head
I was just in the bathroom and I had the lights off and I saw black where my body was but didn't see my head. Like, it was the background.
Problems
I'm so mad I just got mad. I was putting away my laundry and I remember my iron fell over and I put it down hard. I threw the water across to the sink. I was a little rough, in general. I think I threw the towels in the bin. I was about to hit the wall and yelled like a caveman and didn't.
I just felt really picked on, like sorta stripped of my dignity, that things would come up later, when they weren't supposed to. I guess I can take it as a settle, but maybe I was just feeling guilty and knew I had it coming.
I sorta solved my problem and realized in real life I wouldn't do what I could do. I don't know how people will deal with my "guilty conscience." It seemed to fit in and was accepted already. Not sure what exactly the issue is. We never seem to have enough fun. Something always goes wrong.
I hope this doesn't happen again. Today, I felt stimulated in the middle, and then it felt empty, but that's okay since it seems I would feel that anyway. I took a shower. I think that's why I was mad. I didn't even exercise. I guess I just have to remember to do that.
I also realized people had problems with people of different ages. :| :{
I just felt really picked on, like sorta stripped of my dignity, that things would come up later, when they weren't supposed to. I guess I can take it as a settle, but maybe I was just feeling guilty and knew I had it coming.
I sorta solved my problem and realized in real life I wouldn't do what I could do. I don't know how people will deal with my "guilty conscience." It seemed to fit in and was accepted already. Not sure what exactly the issue is. We never seem to have enough fun. Something always goes wrong.
I hope this doesn't happen again. Today, I felt stimulated in the middle, and then it felt empty, but that's okay since it seems I would feel that anyway. I took a shower. I think that's why I was mad. I didn't even exercise. I guess I just have to remember to do that.
I also realized people had problems with people of different ages. :| :{
A Little Bit of Philosophy...
People don't realize that they take pleasure in telling others they're wrong.
How gay!
People don't get that I'm pretty worn out. I don't work and haven't even showered in awhile.
I worked out and don't feel well.
I can't cook but like vegetable soup.
People are always so antsy around me. How gay!
I worked out and don't feel well.
I can't cook but like vegetable soup.
People are always so antsy around me. How gay!
STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'M SICK AND TIRED OF DEALING WITH MY DAD NOT BEING ABLE TO HANDLE HIMSELF AND FOR MESSING UP MY LIFE.
I got upset and I have freedom of thought!!!! Stop bringing up the past!
I got upset and I have freedom of thought!!!! Stop bringing up the past!
Leave me alone!
Leave me alone! I don't need my dad's needless advice. Everyone just wants to see my dad mistreat me. Leave me alone!
My Dad
I don't like my dad. He brings things into my life from the past. I almost hit the wall and was putting down stuff hard and probably almost screamed. I Don want to say he's not very cool.
I was dodging certain thoughts as though I was not supposed to have them.
I thought maybe I'd have a good day. I'm not feeling too well because my parents didn't listen to|take care of me.
I Was blubbery as a baby at one point. When I turned 2, though, my hair wasn't as smooth, already quite dark. I had fat dripping from my face in like an arranged way. I gradually got lighter, but then my brother was born, the opposite of my ideals. Always nagging at me it seemed why he was different! I didn't look cute then but did at some points. Then, I started to feel stimulated in a bad way.
Ugh! I'm so mad! Leave me alone! I don't wish to writhe in pain.
So, yea, I started to feel stimulated in a bad way. I might have had it coming with all the stress from school.
I just want to get violent.
So, I didn't look so good in kindergarten, but in a way I looked intelligent.
I was dodging certain thoughts as though I was not supposed to have them.
I thought maybe I'd have a good day. I'm not feeling too well because my parents didn't listen to|take care of me.
I Was blubbery as a baby at one point. When I turned 2, though, my hair wasn't as smooth, already quite dark. I had fat dripping from my face in like an arranged way. I gradually got lighter, but then my brother was born, the opposite of my ideals. Always nagging at me it seemed why he was different! I didn't look cute then but did at some points. Then, I started to feel stimulated in a bad way.
Ugh! I'm so mad! Leave me alone! I don't wish to writhe in pain.
So, yea, I started to feel stimulated in a bad way. I might have had it coming with all the stress from school.
I just want to get violent.
So, I didn't look so good in kindergarten, but in a way I looked intelligent.
Um..
People are busy calculating what's wrong with me because of 1 mistake in a moment of crisis and forget their place altogether! D8
Being Over and Above Others
That "n" word thing has ruined my life. I don't know why, but it seems the whole world is at me for every little thing I do because I claim to be over and above them, which I am. }:)
What to Do
It's funny there's nothing really relaxing online to do. I guess I'll go lie on my couch. I don't feel like clean and good. Maybe, I need a bath. I was too tired to go exercise.
Fat
I used to hide behind a little fat, for some reason. I dunno, I'm not sure what I think of myself, but I didn't want to be how I was before, exactly, not sure how I could change that now.
Skinny Peoples
I have a strange habit of noticing people I'm skinnier than, basically, or was and sorta saying I don't need them because I'm skinnier and I'd be better if my life weren't as hard.
Feelings
It seems that people get off what's interesting to poke at our feelings like because they've already molded theirs a certain way.
People
I'm so mad right now. Just because my mom made me forget to write my cousin, it seems that like it's so important. Whenever I'm not considered perfect, others suffer. It shouldn't even come up. I didn't do it on purpose. I just was made to forget. I find that people not from Florida, while dysfunctional, are able to knock me out. I don't like people who are sarcastic and take my word and twist it around to fight back at me, too. EVeryone knows that if someone does something supposedly for you that you owe them back. I find that I'm able to knock people out in certain ways, too. PEople ... Also, while I think all people should safely be considered victims of their environment, I don't think they are perfect nor that I approve of their racism towrard me. Maybe, they seem perfect, but it's hard to say that like it's not being spoiled.
My Life
I learned a lot in my life, but other people seem to know what I should do.
I guess people just don't understand the incredible racism faced on me that messed up my thinking. I was pretty safe.
It's like I never really lived and was always considered menial to others.
I don't like how people are onto me privately like I'm a bad person, like boring into me painfully.
I guess in Orlando, there are a lot of people from up north.
I never had a chance and was judged for being weird, basically.
Maybe, it's because I didn't write to my cousin, but I thought my mom made me forget. I don't want her to get in trouble for influencing me and not making my life comfortable, while other people are spoiled dumb.
My parents pretty much just lived pressuring me making me feel watched and stuff like I didn't have to live, not interacting with me, not letting me be with others much at all, feeling mocked all the time. I probably wasn't comfortable at conception.
I hope that people who were interested in me learn to back off my case. Obviously, people are not perfect.
Well, I find I am still in the same place and wish that people would get along and get what they want in life.
I am hoping that I can eradicate my position somehow. I couldn't finish college nor think to change my major.
I don't believe in reminding me of things constantly that I didn't do on purpose. Like, things are so important that I mess up on and so personal. That just doesn't make sense. I know people who make mistakes for wrong reasons, not like because they are crazy.
People know people get insulted for being on my side, cut to the quick like it's nothing and there's no point fighting back.
I just need to be independent, but I don't feel healthy yet and am unsure of when and how I will. I am not sure what work-outs will work well enough for what I'm used to like growing up as a young person, the same challenges.
People want to submit to my parents discplining me like in signals rather than openly letting me say I fixed myself, too, and that's just wrong, you know, the way they do that, too.
So, yes, I wish my life went better and that I didn't owe anyone anything.
I guess I'm just mad that I didn't remember to write my cousin back, maybe because I had problems. It seems that's affected my self-esteem.
I pretty much have been a pretty private person. I don't know if it was the influence of others, but I built myself some sort of personality, I think. Basically, I kept to myself from earlier on. As time went on, things became nostalgic, though, and I used to wave and say hi to people and it was neat. I guess what pained me post was wearing glasses and like getting fatter, which I got glasses first. I was in pain even before the incident I mentioned...
I guess I don't know what influenced me to be who I was. I am so mad that it's as though I didn't do it myself, but the truth is I did. See, I was like I was before, and then I changed into someone else. I changed back, again, more improved, but it was't for the reasons you'd think. It's too bad I don't have the right pictures. I had some videos, too, from a hurricane, not sure where this material would be.
I realize that others's lives have sucked, as well, and I am sorry for this and wish them better. I know that pretty much life for others has been based off the fact I messed up, too, but I'm all for people being rewarded and living, never too old.
I guess people just don't understand the incredible racism faced on me that messed up my thinking. I was pretty safe.
It's like I never really lived and was always considered menial to others.
I don't like how people are onto me privately like I'm a bad person, like boring into me painfully.
I guess in Orlando, there are a lot of people from up north.
I never had a chance and was judged for being weird, basically.
Maybe, it's because I didn't write to my cousin, but I thought my mom made me forget. I don't want her to get in trouble for influencing me and not making my life comfortable, while other people are spoiled dumb.
My parents pretty much just lived pressuring me making me feel watched and stuff like I didn't have to live, not interacting with me, not letting me be with others much at all, feeling mocked all the time. I probably wasn't comfortable at conception.
I hope that people who were interested in me learn to back off my case. Obviously, people are not perfect.
Well, I find I am still in the same place and wish that people would get along and get what they want in life.
I am hoping that I can eradicate my position somehow. I couldn't finish college nor think to change my major.
I don't believe in reminding me of things constantly that I didn't do on purpose. Like, things are so important that I mess up on and so personal. That just doesn't make sense. I know people who make mistakes for wrong reasons, not like because they are crazy.
People know people get insulted for being on my side, cut to the quick like it's nothing and there's no point fighting back.
I just need to be independent, but I don't feel healthy yet and am unsure of when and how I will. I am not sure what work-outs will work well enough for what I'm used to like growing up as a young person, the same challenges.
People want to submit to my parents discplining me like in signals rather than openly letting me say I fixed myself, too, and that's just wrong, you know, the way they do that, too.
So, yes, I wish my life went better and that I didn't owe anyone anything.
I guess I'm just mad that I didn't remember to write my cousin back, maybe because I had problems. It seems that's affected my self-esteem.
I pretty much have been a pretty private person. I don't know if it was the influence of others, but I built myself some sort of personality, I think. Basically, I kept to myself from earlier on. As time went on, things became nostalgic, though, and I used to wave and say hi to people and it was neat. I guess what pained me post was wearing glasses and like getting fatter, which I got glasses first. I was in pain even before the incident I mentioned...
I guess I don't know what influenced me to be who I was. I am so mad that it's as though I didn't do it myself, but the truth is I did. See, I was like I was before, and then I changed into someone else. I changed back, again, more improved, but it was't for the reasons you'd think. It's too bad I don't have the right pictures. I had some videos, too, from a hurricane, not sure where this material would be.
I realize that others's lives have sucked, as well, and I am sorry for this and wish them better. I know that pretty much life for others has been based off the fact I messed up, too, but I'm all for people being rewarded and living, never too old.
My Hard Life
I felt like I could keep going but was stopped. I felt I wanted what was different than what I got and that I was judged by how I was raised compared to the strengths of others.
Why I'm Interesting - or Why I Was Interesting
I guess what's interesting about me is I am from Fort Lauderdale, grew up in the area first and remember it well, though I was only up to age 5. So, when we lived in Northeastern Florida, it was more urban, still "Florida," the east coast. There was a girl from L.A. who'd be like the most famous girl in the world, born 4 months after me. She had white hair and blue eyes and looked very good. Funny thing I guess no one liked her because she was younger. She didn't want to be my friend. My hair got much lighter that year, but I moved away and it wasn't the same. So, I connected to her well. I had spoken with her. The only time she came up to me was to borrow a pen. That year was so cool in the end, 1997-1998, not sure why. Oh, yes, my brother's class, I used to help out with. When they went to music class, they said hi to me and I waved back. That was neat. I think that's why I said that thing to my dad, but I wonder why I didn't write back to my cousin.
So, that girl like guided the class. She was new. I had been there for 2 years prior. I feel all L.A.-ed but that it's because I'm from Southwestern and Northeastern Florida.
I think I was pretty interesting when I was a very young girl, too. When my brother was born, though, my hair was cut to my shoulders and then I wasn't interesting. I grew it longer as almost a pre-teen or when I hit puberty.
It seems my life has always been about if I get an attitude since my brother was born or maybe before that I wasn't in line. However, I experienced a deep cut of racism that others don't have to go through.
So, that girl like guided the class. She was new. I had been there for 2 years prior. I feel all L.A.-ed but that it's because I'm from Southwestern and Northeastern Florida.
I think I was pretty interesting when I was a very young girl, too. When my brother was born, though, my hair was cut to my shoulders and then I wasn't interesting. I grew it longer as almost a pre-teen or when I hit puberty.
It seems my life has always been about if I get an attitude since my brother was born or maybe before that I wasn't in line. However, I experienced a deep cut of racism that others don't have to go through.
My Life!
I don't know why it's such a big deal some things I did in the past. People act like I made them do stuff and all that.. I never had enough privacy. I always had a sense of discomfort. I haven't felt right since I thought my life was an experiment. I find the obstacle is that people think I did something wrong. I guess I can think of maybe 1 or 2 big things for you to be the honest judge of and comparing me to if I can function. I don't know when, but I didn't write back to my cousin in Indonesia, and neither did my brother to the other cousin, who is younger. I just forgot. I even thought my mom made me forget. I just sensed that was true. I was supposed to make myself think of it, too, but I don't see how that would be possible. Like, they sent this really nice stationary and are pretty neat and stuff, and my parents didn't like buying stuff for me all the time and it's not like we went out to shop just anytime. So, this was when I was possibly 7-8. I wrote back, though, when I was 25. I had troubles from time to time and as a young adult, thinking my life was an experiment. Then, when I was in 6th grade, I guess my life had gotten miserable to epic proportions, in my judgement. I don't see why it's such a big deal because my parents were encouraging that my rude friends were better than me, especially my mom, it seemed. So, I just wanted to be funny and when my dad came home from work, I'd say, "Oh, no," because I was so sad I wasn't done with my homework and couldn't get to know him. I didn't say why because it wasn't "cool." After maybe a week, my mom told me to stop. I gained weight for the first time in my life. My mom didn't take us on walks anymore, and I stayed up even later doing homework, from feeling so bad. I mean, I wouldn't do it, now. It's just another mistake, and, if I understand correctly, most people actually make mistakes all the time.
"Gay" People
People in homosexual marriages don't usually have children, so I don't quite know what to think.
Ellen DeGeneres's Family Life
http://youtu.be/KyMx477-wxI
So, I was watching this interview and was disappointed to find that she didn't have kids but probably would want some herself.
So, I was watching this interview and was disappointed to find that she didn't have kids but probably would want some herself.
Bad PEople
People have been playing around with me a lot lately, just saying I don't deserve this and that. I've always been told I was a good person. I've been told I was too good, and now people think they're better than me and I don't deserve to exist and that I'm imperfect because I've messed up. Those times were hard, though.
Dream
Only the other person than Ellen DeGeneres's younger pictures stimulated me.
Also, I think after I saw her, it turned out to be my aunt, at the computer.
Also, I think after I saw her, it turned out to be my aunt, at the computer.
Dream
Before I had this dream, I was able to feel from another person I made up kinda, which was kinda weird, and I guess it was kinda a direct feeling. I used to do that all the time.
Dream
Okay, so this wasn't perverted, yet unexpected.
It's hard to remember very early on. So, there were some other girls around my age or 20 and I in Ellen DeGeneres's house. I guess I was special to her sine I followed her, most. I Was on the floor with them in front of a TV, which seemed to have like words on like kinda technical and old-fashioned more. I was sitting with my knees up, and she came up to me and said, "Here's some popcorn," and put it in the crack of my lap, which affected me very much, I think in that area. It sorta lingered. No metally feeling. I tasted the popcorn a lot, pretty salty and warm. Next thing I remember I was asleep in a similar place on the floor and was curled up in a ball. She completely lifted me off the floor under my arms, which made me fell a lot, and said "get up" because apparently I had to go to the bathroom, I was in a ball. I did when I woke up. I had just woken up before that.
So, I don't remember what it felt like, now, I mean I do but don't feel it nor feel it's very important to.
I know next I was outside a kinda fancy apartment, one building with huge windows up and down, which were empty I took pictures by. My relatives were there. I shouted out about the vaccuum. My grandma was near. I ended up doing it, on the streets. I was off for some reason and back. I think my grandma was going around doing something. There was a big sign at the window. It turned into something risky for som reason, don't remember what.
I guess before that, I was with Ellen DeGeneres and someone else and thinking about 2 peoples's younger pictures, which stimulated me for some reason. I felt comforted by them, more with Ellen DeGeneres in the area. It was dark and wet probably, but I was just "there." Then, the first scene I described happened.
I guess what was most memorable was the feeling of beeing sheltered in my dream by what was represented as "Ellen DeGeneres." So, I felt very close, yet obstacled. Okay, so she was in this dream a person keeping special watch over me. For some reason, I felt stabilized, evne on my own, probably because of the strength my mom had me grow up with. For some reason, I guess, she understood me pretty well but apparently was also figuring out her relationship with me. It was just so nice, like I guess I was there for some reason with other people, not in some nice place alone and more contained. She was so comforting. When she was alone with me and picked me up, which I really felt, which who knows maybe it was real, she was so like cuddly and stuff but not mushy. It's like I was so special and not a baby baby but like innocent yet smart. I guess it is something special to do things with others for reasons other than just doing them and you happen to do them and like you have more privacy and stuff. Like, when you finally meet someone. I probably, as I do in general in things like this.., like a feeling of kicking my legs back, though except I did want to go to the bathroom, like wanted to stay with her. It wasn't bad. I guess it happens all the time, I mean, just noticed it this time physically as a reaction. It's just the way things are, in general, for people. The other girls were kinda dark, thin, and muscle-less, rounded, with like an inch of fat sticking out on them like blubber. They were taller and leaner than me. It was nice when I was given the popcorn, too. I think there was a lot more of her in this movie. I mean dream. I don't remember it.
But, yea, I had a very special relationship and at least 2 points of "physical" contact, which made a big difference.
It's hard to remember very early on. So, there were some other girls around my age or 20 and I in Ellen DeGeneres's house. I guess I was special to her sine I followed her, most. I Was on the floor with them in front of a TV, which seemed to have like words on like kinda technical and old-fashioned more. I was sitting with my knees up, and she came up to me and said, "Here's some popcorn," and put it in the crack of my lap, which affected me very much, I think in that area. It sorta lingered. No metally feeling. I tasted the popcorn a lot, pretty salty and warm. Next thing I remember I was asleep in a similar place on the floor and was curled up in a ball. She completely lifted me off the floor under my arms, which made me fell a lot, and said "get up" because apparently I had to go to the bathroom, I was in a ball. I did when I woke up. I had just woken up before that.
So, I don't remember what it felt like, now, I mean I do but don't feel it nor feel it's very important to.
I know next I was outside a kinda fancy apartment, one building with huge windows up and down, which were empty I took pictures by. My relatives were there. I shouted out about the vaccuum. My grandma was near. I ended up doing it, on the streets. I was off for some reason and back. I think my grandma was going around doing something. There was a big sign at the window. It turned into something risky for som reason, don't remember what.
I guess before that, I was with Ellen DeGeneres and someone else and thinking about 2 peoples's younger pictures, which stimulated me for some reason. I felt comforted by them, more with Ellen DeGeneres in the area. It was dark and wet probably, but I was just "there." Then, the first scene I described happened.
I guess what was most memorable was the feeling of beeing sheltered in my dream by what was represented as "Ellen DeGeneres." So, I felt very close, yet obstacled. Okay, so she was in this dream a person keeping special watch over me. For some reason, I felt stabilized, evne on my own, probably because of the strength my mom had me grow up with. For some reason, I guess, she understood me pretty well but apparently was also figuring out her relationship with me. It was just so nice, like I guess I was there for some reason with other people, not in some nice place alone and more contained. She was so comforting. When she was alone with me and picked me up, which I really felt, which who knows maybe it was real, she was so like cuddly and stuff but not mushy. It's like I was so special and not a baby baby but like innocent yet smart. I guess it is something special to do things with others for reasons other than just doing them and you happen to do them and like you have more privacy and stuff. Like, when you finally meet someone. I probably, as I do in general in things like this.., like a feeling of kicking my legs back, though except I did want to go to the bathroom, like wanted to stay with her. It wasn't bad. I guess it happens all the time, I mean, just noticed it this time physically as a reaction. It's just the way things are, in general, for people. The other girls were kinda dark, thin, and muscle-less, rounded, with like an inch of fat sticking out on them like blubber. They were taller and leaner than me. It was nice when I was given the popcorn, too. I think there was a lot more of her in this movie. I mean dream. I don't remember it.
But, yea, I had a very special relationship and at least 2 points of "physical" contact, which made a big difference.
Personality
People think what I got from my friends doesn't count and that you should do it from birth and that you have control over it.
,:o
Why are people so harsh on me, literally?
Also, when I do something wrong, it's because of something that's not my fault. I'm already a properly functioning ... person!
Also, when I do something wrong, it's because of something that's not my fault. I'm already a properly functioning ... person!
Ellen DeGeneres. :|
So, I was thinking, in bed, about stuff ... relatives ... then Ellen DeGeneres. :| I was astounded. Her mom's last name might be Jewish, but it may be Austrian, though it doesn't say she is. I think I have Jewish last names from my dad. Anyway, supposedly, it's the same as my mom being Asian, Chinese-Indonesian. So, I was beginning to relate. My dad's last name is Normwan-Welsh-Irish, Norman being common, Viking-French, as in Norwegian Viking! I'm not Norwegian, but my grandma has Norman-Irish and Norman-English. Then, though, I realized that maybe in some ways it's like she's younger. That's fine, but it probably would make her mad that I think that. It is possible to not be
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