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}:{

It looks like I'm being toyed around to be stimulated in humiliating ways.

D:

Now, I feel pressure in that area!

LEAVE ME ALONE!

Self-Righteous!

Oh, wow, my parents are so insane and my mom self-righteous that she makes an annoying noise to affect a certain part of my body on the left side because I was upset when she came home because she wasn't acting nicely. I don't deserve to get locke dup in a mental hospital eagerly for being rough and rough-housed mentally|emotionally..

How to Spot Hidden Problems in Old Homes

Ellen's Universe of Energy - Edit

Facebook

On the Ball

People need to get on the ball! You know, you can be like someone else in some ultimate way and have it look good on you, if you looked good before.

You have to work to keep yourself a certain way sometimes, for some reason. I don't think most people do that.

If you're so interested in someone, then why are you like not like doing what it seems you imply you ultimately are settled upon doing? I mean, you can't beat around the bush and ruin other people's lives.

Doesn't the feeling seem to last?

Ellen DeGeneres on the Hulk..

YouTube

:}

So, I've been on it once or twice in my life.  It looked like Portia was really having a good time..  I bet it was hardest on her.

It seemed Ellen enjoyed it while she was on, for some reason.

I know, when I go on those rides, not sure why, I feel like I'm totally being blown away, but it's always a ripping experience.

Over-Obsession With Certain Parts of My Body

It happened when I talked to my grandma every day.

Now, it plagues me, too much.

It just overcame me in a certain way, and it just keeps pushing at me.

Twitter

Dream

I walked down people and brushed past slightly shorter kids, and it made them feel good for the interim.

}:{

GO RUB IN THINGS AND SEE YOU CAN SUCCESSFULLY WALLOW IN YOIUR OWN FILTH.

AND LEAVE ME ALONE, NIGGER!

MAD

OH MY GOD THIS IS SO STUPID!!!! WHY IS MY MOM'S THUMBNAIL SO SHORT NOW IN THE PINK PART? THIS IS WORTHLESS. THERE IS NO POINT IN STUPIDIFYING YOURSELF. SHE DOES NOT DESERVE THIS, YOU NIGGGER.

Also, I do not wish my life to be based around the wreongs of others, SO TAKE THAT BACK, NIGGER. yOU'RE NOT WORTH IT. JUST **** THAT STUPID GRIN OFF YOUR FACE AND LEAVE ME ALONE, LOSER, YOU GOOD FOR NOTHING DUMB PERSON.

Dream

I dreamed I went to choir. My clock said 9 and I thought it was 8, but it was 10. There were more girls there my age, and I was happy. The director put her hand on my shoulder so I didn't totally notice, though it gave me a warm, metally feeling. Then, I sat next to her, and she put her arm all the way around me and the other like on my shoulder. The thought was sorta a wild battle. Then, my leg rubbed up against her. Some other thoughts happened. There was glorious music, which I Was really listening to, for a long time, as I left. She followed me out as I weaved other places and didn't see her, a huge church.

It was a little weird, too. The church was like a gymnasium or emporium.

It was just a nice feeling that it happened, but it didn't really feel real for some reason.

The person was glorious. Quite bubbly and sharp.

Tim Burton

I don't believe he is more associated with his family than everyone else.

Also, people can continue to live and do things they do because it comes up, stupid!

Nell Burton?

I just don't care about Nell Burton that much, in a way that says I'm not worth anything. I never got to live. Why was she even like that?

Bothering Me

Also, when I came out of my room, I know my dad looked at getting things dirty in a funny way.

I want to avoid conversing with my parents, more, because it seems to drag on, for some reason.

People act like I keep my parents to myself and that I should do things with them that I want to do with other people.

Nails

My dad's nails got shorter, too, awhile ago. :/ It just must have been planned, but I think they got a little longer, not sure how, though. My mom's thumbnail is much shorter than before. I thought it was so cool she had long nails.

Tim Burton

Since he isn't really that open anymore because of his daughter, why be open to him as a person?

He doesn't really seem that white, like he thinks. No one thinks so, and he can't seem to chane that,.

Thinking

Some people aren't very good at thinking.

GET THE HELL OUTTA THIS WORLD AND CEASE TO EXIST

Just **** the stupid look on that man's face.

My Mom's Nails

Her thumbnail pink part used to be big, but now it's shorter. It's a lot shorter. }:( WHAT'S GOING ON HERE? GET THE HELL OUTTA MUY LIFE, NIGGER.

Stupid IDeas

So, why do people keep spurting stupid ideas at me?

Ellen and Johnny

Why does Ellen DeGeneres seem like Johnny Depp, the way she plays around with ideas, echoing his genius?

Bad People

So, people think if your life isn't going well and you "feel" offset that they can start complaining about their problems?

Also, people keep playing traditional games with me about how I like to feel comfortable but not uncomfortable.

This area is pretty trashy like they think they're too good to be ood.

Relaxing

I've also decided to relax more, probably need to wash my bedding. Want to get new bedding tomorrow, though.. 8o

I should probably get a fan, too, to keep out the noise of the cranky cards and like if my parents knock about the house too much, which they don't, mostly.

Also, it's pretty hard to relax around here and keep your cool, for some reason..

Stuck in My Head

I can't get some things out of my head. People have programmed me to "look out" for things. I'm not going to act like I'm the one who's bad in this artificial way.

Bothered

So, people are annoying me when I'm still upset and as a result of it and in a bad way.

I'm really mad people are simply promsicuous enough to come into my life and want to make an impression in a knock-about fashion, as though they didn't do anything, and to not ever let me achieve anything.

I feel dispresepcted for who I am, racially, like I'm tacky, in that way. It's been an unpleasant situation, where I'm drawn in to do things I shouldn't have to do, to think things I shouldn't have to think, to not experience the fruits of the labor bestowed upon me.

Parents :|

At 26, as someone who's always good with everyone, you're not supposed to be disciplined for your inner mood.

Other Than Your Parents, Etc..

Why would I study ballet from my dad?

Wouldn't you want to go out in the world and get the people who are best at communicating?

Problems

Everyone has a breaking point.

People use things to justify that they don't have a point, ultimately.

Wouldn't you hope so?

People always come in with preconceived notions, but wouldn't you hope so?

JOIN BLOGGER

JOIN BLOGGER, OLD PEOPLE AND YOUNG PEOPLE, NOW!!!! :0

What happened?

So, did anyone see the whole world go crashing down since the "n" word thing? Sheesh.

Parents and Kids

I see parents are still disciplining their kids that older young people don't deserve to look up to people Ellen DeGeneres's age as parents, like my age, butI do, anyway.

Young People Today

What do you think it says to young people today to see people from a long time ago treated better, though today these people are dying? Did they live a full life? Hm. Will they go to Heaven? :)

I don't know. All I managed to do was to keep a regular frame, not too shaky. I always sported this oiled over look. My skin, though, also, is a bit dry, yet blubbery. Not very pleasurable. :|

I guess I have my own personality, as a lot of young people do, though many are like stereotypes. I've had some pretty high goals. I don't know how much I can change, at this point. I always wanted a feeble, terse look. I don't want to simply copy people, but I'm working on it.

D:

I have this feeling or had that I was in the mental hospital. However, you don't get to like stay in your own room with internet access all day.

Brunettes on Hair Color With Asians

How do you know they had ancestors with light hair?

Anyway, what about Asians with light hair?

Gymnastics?

Why didn't I look like I do now more until I quit doing gymnastics once a week?

Facebook

PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE

Feeling Weighted Over

I have this strange feeling overcoming me after eating soup, Buffalo chicken strips with Jalepeno Monetery Jack Cheese, and Dill and Olive Oil Triscuits.. *burp* The soup isn't really as good as you'd think. I plan to go to Whole Foods soon. I guess I'll find vegetables, seeds, nuts, and other natural things. I don't have to have meat, maybe, but it's a supplement other than cheese.

Aftereffects

Why do things keep coming up as aftereffects?

Like, someone makes a move, and then they come up, and they come up with other people.

It makes me insane and feel like I'm hurting people. Like, all of a sudden I can't control a part of my thoughts.

It last for a long time, maybe 2 minutes.

Facebook

I took down my pictures of me through the years but know of one picture I want to put up tomorrow, the day before my first day of pre-school, where I had a Raisin backpack. I was 3.

Also, I made a new page: http://www.facebook.com/EllensEnergyAdventure.

Children of Baby Boomers????

I guess we're all interested in the children of the Baby Boomers

Asians

Did you know you can be an attractive Asian, or not?

Achievement

If other people are allowed to achieve, why not me?

Up North

Why are people up north so safe? I think in L.A., too.

The Master Race

I guess some people will never have to experience the offsets of a certain race and will rule as the master race, no matter what.

Asians|The Chinese..

Why don't they look so good .. anymore?

Wrong pictures?

This is cool!

Tribute

Practicing

Now, awake, I have this feeling that's like milky and feminine and sweet in a spot where before it was tingly,w ell, metally. I still feel a bit agitated and hungry and am not sure how I'm supposed to eat.

HELP!

Now, when I think of my kids, I think of the inklings others have with my grandma! This is so stupid!

STOP

Stop making a project out of me because of the "n" word thing and makingme waste my breath fighting you.

Being Cool

Why do people think some people can't be cool? Is it all the Native American indians?

Tactual

Do you ever act tactful around people who have been hurt, recently?

Thinking for Yourself..

What do you think about how some people are always wrong and threatenening you? Tp always listen to them?

Contest

"Ellen's Universe of Energy"

I should have filmed this before.

You know the "Pirates of the Caribbean" ride???? I liked it better before.

Inconvenience

I just realized other kids think it's funny when I'm not ready to "prove a point" to older people, but I wonder "what" that point is.

Unfair Judgement

People treat me differently when all evidence leads to the opposite. :|

This isn't anything some people really need to hear. Who will listen to me. I may as well try and find a job, hopefully at Disney World! :0

I know there are supposedly lots of jobs in Disney, but I don't think so. I'm trying to lose weight and think I could get hired, but we didn't go to the grocery store yet, and I'm getting hungry for something else, so.. not sure who long it il take.

Tim Burton

Would he be as mean to anyone else? He has a dominantly Jewish girlfriend with 2 kids. Why would he be racist? :p

White People

I can trick people. So, white people think that they're all flowers and happiness, but in reality they aren't.

Here's a good site.

Site

Dream

Now, I remember... :S

I guess I was in a room, and my mom kept coming in and talking to me, like twice. I wanted to feel stimulated. I woke up, and my dad made a noise, like blew his nose twice, and I didn't feel stimulated. Well, I've not been feeling well but still stimulated.

So, also, I was in school.

I wanted to feel stimulated in a way I used to, though I'd really rather not at all. I wanted to because I felt a car in Orlando roared by and convinced me I had to do it, eventually, like in some way.

So, I noticed I'm 5'2". I don't know what that means. I wonder if I'll stay a kid longer.

My left eye is like sorta harder. Like, it sorta sticks out.

So, I was with some friends in college who were a year older.

Ellen's Universe of Energy

So, I watched it, and I thought of people who didn't do things before that I did who are now like overly into them.

I watched the parade, and I was thinking of things you might guess, too.

Ellen's Universe of Energy

When I went on it, I think I was in the front row.

Key West

We went to Key West again when I was 19, and I went on the ghost tour with my little cousin, a girl, 5 1|2 years younger.

Oh, now, I remember, I thought I was on top of this, but I got so scared even she couldn't help.

Making a Point

Just because of the "n" word thing, my parents are getting in the dirt finding things to talk about. Like, how they act. Like, if I make a point, they explode. Like, if it means I'm good in a weird way.

"The Ellen DeGeneres Show"

I don't work, and I used to watch TV. However, when we moved, I stopped, for some reason. I felt bad about the homeworka nd didn't want to exercise. I didn't have time to practice piano, but that was my college major.

Oh, btw, I eat so strictly because I almost got Diabetes. It just makes me feel jittery. I mean, I could eat moderately, but I guess I just went all the way. I hope I find something other than oatmeal. I want to find seeds at the store and am afraid of all the spices on Triscuits. I know there are those natural crackers that are really stale. I should probably have that. I probably have to go to Whole Foods, which my parents don't shop at, much at all.

So, I was wondering about people who watch her shot. I mean, since like the late 90s, you had the opportunity and option to post online. Don't get mad if someone else does. D:} Also, I realize that people come on and don't end up posting what they think they will. I'm not sure about me, but I know I'm excited about the internet! :D It's a bit unbelievable, but I took it in stride for what it was and not for grated. I've been posting awhile, so maybe I'm getting some practice in?

Musings

So, anyway, I was thinking, like, I already mentioned this yesterday. Like, I think kids are supposed to do certain things. However, they want to literally prevent other people from doing them. }:( I think it's just because of the "n" word thing, though, and am mad because I won't know how things really are... when they really are? So, anyway, I think it's still a prevailing issue. It doesn't make sense. I don't know how they got there. Maybe, it is funny I ever watched what I watch, which has mostly been "The Ellen DeGeneres Show." I wanted to go out and get a job, but because of the "n" word thing and other things I was unable to. Now, my mom said to just volunteer. I lost my papers to volunteer at the museum. So, I dunno, maybe I will look for them but not sure if I have them. I think I signed up to volunteer at 2 other places. One is like social work. The other is a weekly bar doing wrist bands or construction at a movie theater.

Also, I contacted Walt Disney World about knowing when there is an opening to work at Ellen's Universe of Energy. However, I don't know how good I would be. You'd have to be contatined. Also, they probably do not favor people with black hair. I don't know what to do about my hair. I should jog in the day more. It used to be lighter, even when I didn't jog in the day. I took more baths for a long time, sometimes hours, days in a row. It even used to have little white highlights and like light reddish tints a lot. Once, it was straight and like a light reddish color, but I got rid of the picture thinking more would come. I hadn't taken a shower for a few days. This was in 2008. I remember also it used to have a maroon tint. However, it was more see-through, then, anyway, as it's been a lot of my life.

It's just the base is so dark. It's kinda nice, but it seems a bit fake, in some ways. I guess I'm getting uncomfortable. I mostly wish it was lighter growing up and my eyes. Sure, being dark can be cute, but why just keep getting darker?

Today might be a good day to stay home, not sure why.

So, my hair. I will make a conscious effort to jog during the day. Also, I need something in my room so I can watch "The Ellen DeGeneres Show" over and over, like in my leisure.

Jogging in the day lightens it pretty quickly, for some reason. Sometimes, it's smooth. I wish it were bouncy.

I'm glad I'm getting thinner from strict dieting and working out. I wonder how much "fake meat" they have at the grocery store, the health store, Whole Foods. I don't really feel like not eating meat, though. I grew up having a lot of chicken. Maybe, I should get more fish and beef. Maybe, at some point, I will be a vegetarian. I kinda don't feel the need to have meat other than fish. I don't really understand how you could go vegan without being very strict or having like unusual opportunities. I haven't had milk much growing up, so ... that's what I drink, now. I should have more tea, too. I was having that for awhile but not like 3 kettles like I heard someone said on the Soapbox on IMDb. I guess fake meat makes sense and is admirable and supplementary. I should probably get some. I used to like soy burgers. I don't know about the ingredients, but Whole Foods sells natural products.

...

My Parents

So, I wonder why my parents treat me a certain way. If I didn't feel racist against, I bet I'd be perfect. I don't know, I guess I still have problems, but find that everyone is different.

...

Watching Out

I'm feeling better, but I'm worried my parents will be mad at the language I picked up. I just feel a certain way about being called a nigger and did happen to post on my blog that I was thinking of that word when people were racially cruel, like to me usually.

As a Baby

My brother couldn't escape what I escaped, neither.

I guess I just wanted to make sure I was smart or something. I wanted to like be a good person, but I guess I couldn't "stay a baby."

I don't feel like going anywhere, now. :( I don't feel like sleeping until midnight, which is kinda what I want to do.

Me as a Baby

I think I was mistreated as a newborn. As an infant, I think I was treated funnily. I think I had a hard time in the womb. In another way, I appreciated it. :|

Yes!

I finally was able to feel the way I wanted without feeling weird in some way! :0 I like feeling weird, though.

I've also discovered that I was mistreated by other people as a baby, in very bad ways, like made to feel stimulated, for who I was, like I'm not even a person. Couldn't that happen to anyone? Or am I just trash that needs to be left alone!?

How I'm Feeling

I feel better after going to the bathroom.

I also realize, my parents have to live disillusioned that they could be offset as I was, if I had to. I'm not shit. :|

My Parents

I wonder if my dad is even home. It looks like my mom might not be home, neither, but I don't know. Sometimes, she says good night to me.

Dream

The laundry is running. I slept with the music on and am tired. I wanted to have an active day. }:(

So, I was at school and it seemed people wanted me to take Religion mostly. I was gonna and was told I couldn't audit and to try theater. It was a lady in the area who teaches diction.

I guess I walked over somewhere else and was trying to get a computer.

Do you think my parents are overreacting in private to me getting mad and not trying to do it to them?

So, yea, it was an okay dream. It seemed pretty exciting, though, but I guess I wasn't feeling as good as I could.

I did diet and work out and looked better but don't feel as pure as before I stopped my diet for a meal.

I'm mad because I'm trying to have things go smoothly, and apparently no one cares. I felt so bad and couldn't write, really. I don't want to go back and change what I wrote. Now, what will my parents do? Keep beating anger out of me? They may not care since I was feeling that bad, but they'll probably do something perverted, like think about it at all and like not go on with life as they should.

Lie!

The U.K. isn't on THE LIST. WHAT A LIE!

A Small List

It's a small list.

Suspicious

Why is the bottom of my viewers lised as South Korea and the top Russia?

D:{

I was having a good day. Stop making fun of me and treating me like shit.

Gay

Also, my parents like the laundry room opened, but my mom set me to not like it, like sorta makes noises that somehow affect me. She's so annoying. }:(

They take things too seriously that don't matter and only care about themselves. They will smile at you but underhandedly do something to affect you.

I don't care how antsy you people are, you're not worth it. You're not really smart. }:( I'm tired of people I don't like predicting my thought patterns. I told you you were wrong to do certain things at certain times, and you went ahead and did them anyway and then said they were bad to me. You are so worthless. I will not do this. Do not hold me acocuntable for my feelings.

Mistakes

Also, I was feeling good, just now, very good, and caring, and I was just treated like crap and given messages about the past. I WILL NOT STAND THIS. I know my dad is the one doing this. Take him in. He doesn't do this to other people.

I lay on my couch just a few hours ago, and a cycle of thought like sleep, and then I was in bed sorta holding in those thoughts.. now, I lost the concreteness of it and feel sorta knocked out mercilessly, was just recovering from the week. How gay is this? I went ot eh store with my dad one day for like a few stores fora few hours, could have k alled if he cared, Now, I had a hard week. My dad was gay and staye dhome and got sick just because I hit things a little hard, too. Someone get him!

...

Everything was supposed to be okay now. Now, I feel awakened. My parents are worthless. They strip me of my dignity and ability to talk now, too., I don't want to post about this.

Very Hurt

My mom was like totally worthless, making stupid noises at the laundry, to torture me. She just has no poise and wants to get back at being mean to me. I will not listen to people trying to punish me for it. Don't waste your time, and just go away. You're not worth it. Not at all, you stupid loser. It really bothered me. My parents are gay and obsesssed with treating me like other kids and not letting me ever feel good. I feel really bad at how my parents are fascinated with controlling me like I'm stupid. How can my mom manipulate how I feel as though I were just worthless? LEAVE ME ALONE, YOU STUPID PEOPLE! I was gonna have my dad comment on my blog, but now I won't remind him. No one cares about their feelings. I was tring to sleep!

I want to feel good, not perverted. Stop making up things.

Niggers

My parents are torturing me.

I was mad yesterday, but I explained. It doesn't matter, but it wasn't that bad.

My mom like set me off yesterday and today, the washing machine on, and it's so annoying, even with ear plugs.

I'm getting weird messages from other people and people are interfering with relationships I've made, constantly!

My parents won't let me off on things, and I can't get things stuck out of my ead, so why not stop them?

Also, I don't believe in taking away good things from me because it happened when someone made me really mad.

Give it a rest on the "n" word thing. Don't make me fight about it. Just leave me alone.

...

I was trying to sleep, too. This is so gay. Now, I feel really bad, wound up. Why wind me up? No one cares about me and my future.

Hair Color

I've met lots of people I like with black hair but also otherwise. Blue or brown eyes, I think. My dad has blue eyes and black hair.

Calming Down

Do you know people who don't calm down when things go wrong?

Disney Rides

So, I was watching the Haunted Mansion on YouTube, and from L.A., it mdae me like scared all over my louneg paants. Only for a moment. =}

I don't know about theone in Orlando.

:) Also, I'm happy about working out because when I was younger I didn't work out every day. Ia' also on a strict diet.

I thought you were supposed to get scared on the Haunted House. I guess if I went there, it'd be more fun. :|

I was really scared the whole time, tough, watching Ellen's Energy Adventure. Or Universe of Energy. I guess it took awhile for me to get the drift. I think I was like gonna explode. I was scared of Ellen, and I was scared of the dinosaurs. That's funny. I have a friend whose parents are born 45 years before her, and she said Johnny Depp as Willy Wonka scared her, though her and my old friend were into "Pirates of the Caribbean."

I find that I easily have fun thinking of other poeple, myself. I mean, it's fun, but I will also accept a point wholeheartedly, realizing it may occcuer to me.

I suppose to could resensitize me. Then, I'd get scared.

I think I was scared of Ellen's ride even before I went in, knowing about the dinsoaurs, too. I guess I was really agitated, nervous, and irritated about it. I went in, and it was actually scarier than I imagined. Constant roaring and fighting, in your presence! Looming over you as you pass by. Then, you see Ellen there. It's along ride.

So, does Ellen DeGeneres like younger kids or odler kids? I was wondering because younger kids look old-fashioned. They're not much like Ellen, for some reason.

I think that people should realize who they are and stuff. I mean, I'm always doing that, but people tend to think I'm not. D*:

Disney

When I was 10, I went on the Haunted Mansion with my dad and aunt and other relatives. I was so scared, I didn't know what to do, and I remember my aunt put her arm around me. When we saw the Electrical parade, which now only shows in other Disney parks, she asked if I wanted to sit on her shoulder|s. She said the same thing in Key West I think, when I was a teenager. To see a band perform. I only went out in New Orleans once, and that was when my aunt visited. I lived in the area all as a teenager, 12-18.

When I went on Pirates of the Caribbean, the drop didn't scare me at all, but it terrified everyone else. I don't know why, but it was the frist ride I|we picked after Swiss Family Robinson. :|

I think the scariest ride is either Splash Mountain or Ellen's Energy Adventure. I'm not really that scared of the roller coasters.. They're my favorites. I haven't yet been on a roller coaster ride that scared me a lot, but I've seen one. When I went to a water park in New Orleans, I went on the scariest slide without any hesitation, maybe more than once, and had a blast. I don't even go on most festival rides. I hate that boat ride. It's always a big ordeal. I sorta made fun of people for not liking the ferris wheel, but now I can't stand it.

On my birthday, http://christina--barrett.blogspot.com/2012/05/disney-world-for-my-26th-birthday.html.

So, why do I get scared on the Ellen ride? Because it's Ellen! Well, it was really because of the dinosaurs, but I think it's also because of Ellen. Her mom is yougner than my dad's mom, though.

So, when I was at the Haunted Mansion, I think we were thinking of taking the exit, and I kinda was looking at it, and I guess my aunt said it was too late.

Something else funny, is I swerve around, increasingly, as I think of stimulating others. That says it all, there, in and of itself. :)

So, what do you think of people with younger parents? I find them to be more stimualted and sensitive and contained.. :| I can't think ... wait, my parents have ol I mean younger parents and are older.

So, I noticed something interesting about how old Ellen DeGeneres's mom was when she was born.

Did you realize that your female part could have existed before someone older than you's other part?

I guess, Ellen DeGeneres would seem a lot older if your mom was born in like 1980..

That would be funny. I don't think I'd show all of my kid to her because I feel more like her kid. Do you know what that kid would feel like from me? 8^o

...

So, what do you think of people of the generation where they look bubbly? Hm. I notice that they take to people born around 1959.. Ellen DeGeneres is born in 1958. I notice concretely taht. these said bubbly people are born 2|3 years before me and that the people a year younger also are a certain way. People are like my age are like ... Amanda Bynes and Brittany Snow and the boy in "The Santa Claus," who is a day older than me, the other 2 girls being older than me by months. I'm older than the Olsen twins by about 20 days. I think people younger than me are into things like Angry Birds and Anime, like of various ages. I guess it stops at some point, maybe around my brother's age. :6 I know that poeple like to baby oeo born around 1984. 8^. It's hard for me to think otherwise. Okay, so think about kids born around 1994? I mean, does that mark a certain point? Maybe, that's women who have kids older. It seems they keep thinking there's a slope, like it stops at my age. That kinda disturbs me because my mom is Chinese-Inodnesian. I used to get jealous of the little kids when I was 6, in Northeastern Florida. I don't understand why people think I'm tackily Chinese. Maybe, my mom does have hidden desires, but I don't! What would that be passed on to me? It might be good for you, but you don't have to do it. People who are Eurasian tend to back|shy away from me. They tend to want to be Asian and the ones who don't have indian.

I need to go to bed soon, another busy day awaits!

Twitter

New Photos of Me

Flickr

Weak

I'm getting that weak feeling again, from eating healthily. It's an elated feeling, and I feel stuff around me, for some reason, in a good way.

My Dad

When he came home, he did something messec up. He leaned over and made his eyes look wide and narrow. He did it in a way that didn't seem nice, like I've seen kids act. Why doesn't he just go hang out with them?

Taller

I didn't sleep so much but was taller today. Like 5'1.25"|5'1.5".

Mad?

Why does my mom make such a big deal about my behavior? Like turns over every stone? My dad doesn't make me mad like an animal.

I also feel that people are being saucy with me, like if I do something where I get mad, they think that I did something to them.

Uh.

My dad was just home. The police weren't here. My mom is still in her room.

I'm upset. I got upset at Tim Burton. "Hotel Transylvania" is coming out. I think it put me in a bad mood.

My dad just had to go to the bathroom. He didn't seem upset, though. ?:

Being Mad

Some people like to stay mad, but it makes me upset.

Suspicious Activity

I got so mad at the dog. The dog was suggestive to me on some place on the left side of my body.

Now, my mom is "calling" people ... someone about something and a friend, I think.

Things Getting in the Way of My Life

If Tim Burton has, for no good reason, retreated from the world, to only take care of his daughter, then, why is his daughter still getting in the way of my life?

Also, I got mad, I just was acting mad and like closed the laundry machine hard. Now, my mom locked me out of her room. She probably feels good she thinks she has an incentive to call the police on me, like my parents have done twice. I don't like that. I go to a hospital, and my dad won't take me back since I came back after one night last time, convinced a Chinese doctor I was ready to leave. He is mean.

Also, I forget exactly what I was thinking, but, if something isn't wrong to begin with ... like, why is there a problem?

My life is not at a good stage, and I really want to stay home.

Mad

I probably shouldn't have gotten so mad, but I was pretty fed up.

Oh no, now what will happen? D:

My parents just won't leave me alone!

Mad

My mom is usually out on Fridays, lately, but I just found out what she does on Fridays. I wasn't feeling well.

She's a pervert, too, and always mean to me.

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Visions in My Walk ... or ... The Big Picture

So, it's not a secret. I have a big obsession with Ellen DeGeneres. I don't know why, but she's really cool, one of the coolest people out there, to me. I find her to be sweet and smart, just like me, the words everyone used to describe me, as I matured.

I'm a bit old for Ellen DeGeneres, but when push comes to shove I will admit that she's old enough to know everything about me because I know everything about you. So, no, I'm not really, in every way ... too old for Ellen DeGeneres.

What concerns me most is the afterlife. No one is concerned about what happens when we die. I'm actually more concerned about what happenson this earth.

So, my biggest obsession is the ride that features Ellen DeGeneres at Disney World. I am obsessed with her robot. I am also obsessed with the trees around her.

I think everyone is most obsessed with that, underneath it all. It's not what they dwell on, like me.

So, I walked out in the road with cars zooming past me almost constantly, always thinking, always reacting, thinking about this, though I had a lot of quiet moments.

I've been on some adventures myself that involve the "afterlife." I shared this experience with other people, in certain ways, but I knew I could get people to come into it for me, if I can tap into it in a certain area. The funny thing is a hurricane brought me there, when I thought my life was an experiment, eventually.

So, one thing I came up with that probably is an idea lots of people have had is that there are ghost-infested areas, and I started watching "Ghost Adventures" as my first TV thing, after my life changed when I punched my wall, not in a very bad way, feeling treated racially bad online.

The ultimate thing, I can't remember exactly, would be to concoct this hugely complicated idea that road with me as I walekd where like you get a comepetent movie star to go to a ghost site with a bunch of people ... does't sound that cool. If you think about it, it makes sense.

My initial idea was to go in a place with a lot of foliage, like dark, but away from society so that you know there's no one there. I'm not sure about the animals.

There's just one thing to think about I guess, and it guides you to your goal. My goal is or was Disney World, and then it became Disneyland when I finalized it.

The one thing that keeps me going is think of it this way. If you can get people excited and scared, they will end up doing anything.

I guess one magical thing that happened to me was when I went to Disney World with my friend, my hair was smooth and curly just those days, like in those little black curls but not too small but pretty small. She surprised me. It was a very "realistic" experience, but it was very enriching. After living in Disney, it's kinda not really magical, me not having gone there when I believed in magic, but I was lucky enough to go along pretty excited and have some funny things happen. I guess I got practice from being with my friends. Well, 1 friend. (Oh no, there was and is a moth around my computer screen. There are 2 things in my bathroom, too, still.)

Well, I didn't get any souveniers when we went to Disney World on my birthday. We didn't go much growing up. I went when I was 10 with relatives. I went with my friend a few times as a pre-teen and teenager. I went to Grad Nite, which, I was tired, but other than that, it was so cool. Then, we went back again in the summer, and my relatives and friend came.

(I've been battling this moth. Maybe, I should ignore it or tired it out.)

Well, I know that when I think of something that it will mappen.

(I turned on the light and brushed it away.)

I was thinking of what was set up when I was 11 and that I was supposed to like baby people my brother's age, who I got on with more than my brother. My brother seemed to always be in the way. I'm taller than the smaller ones probably.

I don't like people who kinda look to the finish and don't want an adventure, who don't have to live. 8^.

Do you also know about people who think they deserve everything?

Well, I think I will be a dinosaur for Halloween.

So, I don't quite know where to begin. Should I hint in a movie, an idea I got, after someone passed by. How would I do that? The main thing I've been thinking about is trees and like glimpses, like ideas, or like ghosts of people. I wonder what goes on through the heads of others and how real the onset is. I can't really think fo what I wan tot.

I know some people never get surprised, conveniently enough. I guess the little things surprise them.

Ifound fun when I was up north and like walking around the city and buying things, looking at things, just dreaming about what interested me. I wasn't able to sustain these things. Only a few things happened. I had a wild time in Orlando.

I wast thinking most people these days don't realize the importance of the experiences of your life.

I guess when I went camping up north was an incredible experience, in and of itself. You have to build up experiences and not take things for grantec.

So, I noticed a lot of people feel a lot, and that's fine with me, though I know I wanted to feel a lot but in a different way.

I wonder why some people don't feel as much ... why some people think ... I forget now.

I wonder why me being the child of someone a certain way I supposedly don't meet his needs as much as the generation that followed him.

So, I am easily succomed by stupidity? I guess I'm uncomfortable. I noticed I don't really feel anything, anymore, and like I don't feel any pressure, neither, and I just feel like in one spot.

I just don't like that metally feeling and don't see why I should exist merely to foil past generations. I've come to a breaking point of stupidity. I guess I've always been that way. I don't want to have to feel something in a wrong way or in some way just because of something that's not my fault. I'm pretty mad about the fact that maybe I'm younger than people who have older moms, like who are younger. I guess it makes sense. I feel better now that I realize that I like having my father be the age that he is. I find that most people who are younger, men, are kinda hick. I had a dream about Ellen DeGeneres last night, and she resembled the youngest boy in "The Brady Bunch." I don't want to be like other people with a mom my mom's age, though.

So, I guess if I had kids, I'd be out, but I made like a labyrinth around the idea of having kids, nothing anyone would want to ever like "take any of my time."

So, I like my mom because of her generation, and when people ... her style ... the style of her generation ... and when people try to like make me think otherwise, like not feel a certain way, I get an after-effect.

I'm also not less smart. Wouldn't that make your parents less smart?

Why would my mom be less like people in between her age and someone else's? Well, her dad looks more like that, for some reason, but her mom does't.

So, do you see things from the 80s and like old times like for kids all as a big blur?

I find that people with a mom my age who are younger seem like they have a mom who is older. They tend not to listen and not be like their parents.

So, I tend to think sometimes of one person at a time, no matter who it is, but sometimes I'm used to thinking of other people, I noticed.

I guess I got mad the way I feel a bad way. I don't feel loved. How can I function?

I guess a lot of kids try to copy older kids but think they're different when they act the same way.

Something that bothered me was that the female trait comes from the dad, and the neutral|male trait comes from the mom. However, I'm a girl, and I like my mom. I'm not gonna ever do mental gymnastics for an older woman. Nor for younger women who are afraid to feel.

I guess younger kids are more juiced up from their moms.

My mom might seem to supplement my dad, but she doesn't go through things like people more his age do.

So, people care about people born around 1960 but not about kids born around 1985.

Just watched the last 3 episodes of "The Ellen DeGeneres Show."

So, I guess I have to think on this and go to bed. Good night, all! :)

Delption of the Brain

YOu can't say things without figuring them out first and keep figuring them out later. You'll not be very smart.

Mad

My parents put the peanut butter on top of the salt. I guess other people do that. I wouldn't. That's just dumb. Why make an open cover?

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Halloween

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Halloween

Trick or Treat

No sense in getting expensive shoes I don't want that I can't walk around in, easily.  :|

Distrust

I notice a lot of people don't trust me by where I lived and my experiences because I wasn't supposed to be there, by convenience sake. What fun is it in thinking about that, like that?

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Me Through the Years

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Perfection

Though accomplished, my life is pretty uncomfortable.

People have gotten me to deal with things I did not want to deal with, to do things I did not want to do...

They get antsy at me for wanting me to be perfect when I'm not.

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Water

So, I felt good about the water in my stomach when I was on my diet partially.

Hey, I just got my female thing.

Uh.

I just hit my head on the wall.

Paranoid

My doctor scratchily if he did highlighted parts for a diabetes diet, and I noticed something else in the house.

Diet

I'm going back on the diet. I didn't have dessert. I guess... Also, my heart hurts. I don't know if I'm working out, today, because I didn't eat right. :p I should, but I feel like going to sleep. I wanna sing, too, though.

That feeling of being so tired is not good.

People

Why do people have such a problem with me? You know, they want to change it.

Dream

When I was with my dad and 2 girls, I imagined that there was a lady, a tall husky, but pretty lady, pumping a child, kinda funnily, and my dad was looking kinda bewildered. I think I ended up yea going away and like there was this dark srawny scratchy cat family at my feet, and I kept jumping up and suspending myself in air trying to find a place to land. Then, there was a giant that had to be knocked out.

Dream

It was just a feeling of being like controlled or taken care of or rather just being there and letting the other person like do something. I suppose it was also because the person was older. It's a nice feeling because why would you interact with someone who's just all jittery and doesn't know what they're doing. I've somehow become a person who's liked to feel a lot but sometimes not feel a lot, though now I feel a lot, in a way. I don't feel overbeared, all the time, though.

Dream

I had 2 long dreams.

I guess the most interesting part was I was with Ellen DeGeneres and ... for some reason ... ... she was holding my fingers with her fingers, and for some reason I made myself feel really stimulated. First, she had my left fingers, and soon after my right fingers and she worked her way up grasping my right wrist bone on the right. I felt really stimulated by however she moved, too. Why was it nice? Well, you get a certain feeling when you're with people and when you're with people you like and want to get close to.. She was really nice. Also, when people touch you, sometimes there is a certain connection and you feel really strongly. I think it ended there.

She was in my dream I think hosting something at the beginning, too, and like was there the 2nd time, but I wasn't involved in her.

I know I was jogging around a track at church and imagining a tall old lady picking me up, which didn't really feel that good, but it's something I do. Well, no, I don't usually do that. Well, that's how it happened, and it was kinda a concrete thought. I dunno, I just "did it." I am usually hesitent to imagine things like that..

A new cheerleader friend was in it with big arms and skinny legs. I was jumping up. I recorded myself lying in bed swirving around in a circle, like lying down, without moving any muscles, an elating experience.

So, it was neat, for some reason she was like holding my fingers and moving them and it just really stimulated my fingers physically and me.

For some reason, I felt stimulated in some interesting ways, when I was lying in bed, which it seems I usually do these days, I've decided. However, it's funny, this one time, I was totally knocked out. I'm careful not to be too careful when I stimulate myself, though.

I also find myself really tired, which tells me my diet is too strict. :( However, I was getting diabetes, so maybe no dessert.

I guess it was just really nice for someone to do something different like play with my fingers. I guess it was weird that it happened, but it was interesting how strongly it felt. It didn't exactly totally knock me out, but it was a strong feeling I had. At least, it wasn't that metally feeling, which I got rid of when I came home from college.

I'm just afraid I'll need to give myself shots for diabetes for having dessert but like never drinking soda and stuff. It seems like a phase I'm going through because I used to not eat dessert much for awhile. I do feel kinda like restless and irritated.

So, what do you think about when people touch you? People haven't really touched me, where I live, and I don't really let them, for some reason.

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Set

Get this song.

Gypsy

New Photo of Me

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Yesterday

I had to go to the bathroom so badly. I went 3 times at Olive Garden. I came home and went I think 3 or 4 times, kinda a lot.

How My Day Went

So, a man seemed to think it was cute that the Chinese doctor was mean to me. I thought, "I didn't think that," and then the idea of the word nigger sorta came out, like a Pokemon, like I was in a power ball, for some reason.. Then I went to get a drink at the water fountain, and someone sounded like they had said, "Bruce Lee," and it affected a part of my body. People were kinda nice to me thereon, though. I still feel a bit slammed and like weak in that arena, since I did not like that, when I think about it, you know? It's just "not something I do." I saw a nice lady at the bar, though.

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How My Day Went

I realized that thinking I could be so lax as to offend you and be comforted is worse than letting off because someone else made a mistake.

So, why do YOU accept others's buckerings to you?

So, I went to the doctor. I saw a Middle Eastern couple. The man looked more European. The lady was pretty big. It seemed they thought of the word "nigger" a little, like a little circle. I saw them walking outside as I was waiting for my mom, and it seemed like the lady was saying with the man, thinking, "Did you see anything?"

So, I had a nice tall black lady nurse I didn't manage to record. When my mom came out to talk to all the black ladies I slipped away and recorded myself walking outside. I went to the bathroom when I couldn't find her and then she was gonna call my dad or the police.

We went to a theater to talk about me volunteering, like putting wrist bands on people drinking, I think once a week. I got pizza there for $11 or $12, but it was kinda thin and medium-sized. It was worth it, if my mom could afford it. She didn't want me to get the ice cream sundae for $6 because my blood sugar was high for the first time. I've been having cake every day. I just started my diet, though, other than eating out or special occassions, and I just have like oatmeal and not even bread and for some reason no crackers. I usually work out every day, depending on if I went anywhere. My whole body was sweating.

I thought more happened but can't remember now.

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Walking

As I was walking, I thought of like when I had gymnastics arms and legs, skinny legs and thick arms. I felt the sense of being lifted away and totally overcome with an onset of sorta crappy stimulation.

Dream

So, when I was doing things, the whole time I felt stimulated. The person kept their hand on the side of my shoulder while she was giving me a bath.

Dream

So, I didn't really feel concretely toward the person. In a way, though, yes, it was extremely real. I just didn't feel that person was really there.

Dream

So, I spent a lot of the time, esp. at first near the middle, trying to imagine my torso and head weren't so high.

Dream

8^.

My 2nd dream, I sustained a feeling of being like a kid but kinda like I am now and doing things being carried for like what seemed to be maybe 2 sets of like what seemed around 10 minutes. I guess at first ... it was like the person was my mom but I guess not really but in a way I guess like one ... I was going to a building. The feeling was just so caring. I felt stimulated the whole time. It was in a good, soft, and like feminine way. I could feel the person like press and sometimes pulse against me and stimulate me, and like sometimes I felt a little silly. The interesting thing is to be able to sustain a feeling and to sustain it when you have to do it yourself. I couldn't do this when I was younger. It wasn't this nice, neither. It was more surprising in like a tingling way. It was very deep and somewhat pleasurable, but I don't believe I'd want to feel that again. I just was like being protected from everything and everyone for who I was, like being cooed the whole time, in this dream. In different ways, like I was good in different ways.. like I was constantly like being comforted.. for some reason it's reminding me of my brother describing it. Maybe, I'm describing it, too much. I have a big torso. Like, I went up to the building and the woman sat me on the floor and was like gonna interact with me and touch me, but I spent the whole time trying to imagine my torso wasn't a giant to her. Then, there was a scene where I was being carried like before, stimulated and all, and we passed a shower. I guess I must have been like 8. So, I was tired, I guess in real life, and in my dreams I cannot really function. So, she was giving me a shower. It wasn't very long and detailed. When I was in my room, I was to go home from school or something, and it was too much for me to think and she was gonna "take care of everything" for me. It was in a good way. I mean, I did all I could. I just couldn't go any further. I don't even know what I was dreaming! And, then, I guess, she carried me out of the shower. I just felt like a kid who liked being loved and felt a certain way that felt good. I'm not sure how it ended. I don't remember transporting nor I suppose arriving home.

The funny details of this dream are like I got put down for fun before I went upstairs, and then I found I was with a gray, robust, maybe Italian man, and then I had like an old looking lady as my mom with dyed hair, like maybe a long time ago someone in their late 50s. She interacted with me and tested me, must have been Spanish. I did well..

I know I was in the school area, which was like Disney, and I took some pictures with some girls.

Also, when I was being carried, I was with some boys I was with following us and it was neat.

The girl taking the picture had faded makeup, like spots of white or like that yellow-ish most people have or some, on her cheeks. I was noticing, like telling her, she could like Mary Poppins her makeup but not thinking of that.. She smiled at me for who I was, all that I did in music. We took a picture like we were in a line, but it looked more like a cluster, maybe 6 of us, some girls around me and some boys. We were very happy. I was actually the older, oldset, one.

I forget what I was gonna comment on. I was with a friend and her mom and my mom. I forgot our aims. Her mom asked if she could watch over us or something. I guess we left.

I had another dream before this.

I remember now. I don't remember the other dream, sadly, which was kinda interesting, detailed in a lot of ways but not like in the most interesting ways, but it didn't have much interaction.

So, last night, I was out jogging and walking partly in the rain and along the road for a long time. Then, I came home and did, other than warming up and cooling down, the entire Jillian Michaels workout for strength training of your body. It made my whole body sweat.

I'm 5'1" - 5'3". 8^.

Some things led me to being stimulated a certain way last night. I don't know why I went through with this, but something stopped me for something else. I should have been stopped for this. I just had been stressed out, so I guess I just allowed myself to do it. It's interesting, at least these days, after that happens, which is in a way I don't like, that I get over it. Before, I think I just wanted to keep feeling that way, for some reason. It was probably my most pleasurable feeling, but I can't feel it anymore.

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New Photos of Me

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2 Fat Black Ladies

So, also, there was a fat lady in a wheelchair in a yellow shirt at the doctor who I felt sorry for..

I also passed a black man and his little boy and felt uncomfortable but uninsulted. At the grocery.

Dream

I also had a dream thinking of how attractive Johnny Depp was, having some interaction.

Ah!

I just got so mad. Something came up. Then, I thought of like someone being electrocuted mercilessly, like a cartoon, kinda like in "Pee-Wee's Big Adventure." I was mad and blamed that person for it! People are being mean to me if I get upset! Stop ruining my life! I was mad because someone made me hurt someone else, but I'm also mad that that person thinks they're hurt. I didn't want to think of someone being electrocuted. 8^. What does that mean for me? I am never mean to anyone. Some people are non-negotiable. I guess some people just don't want to figure out what to do. 8^. Well, I didn't want to hurt anyone, I just couldn't take the pressure I felt consuming me by this person, which is happening too much. Pretty much if I do anything unusual, I end up getting in trouble. I just have to keep fighting my way through not being submissive. What's going to happen to me if people keep making others attack me to where I have to do something! OH MY GOSH! What do you want me to do? Nothing? I didn't even really do anything, just a crazy thought.

Straddle Height

Strattle height. 5'3".

Height Today

Today, I can stretch from 5'1" to 5'5" with my feet flat on the ground. :) Comfortable standing height. 5'4.5". :)

Videos Coming Up

I have 12 app. 10-min. videos loading of me talking about touching people.

Tacky Things

Why are people noticing tacky things I do, now? It's not funny and not really that tacky! D: Wow, how can I learn anything? Just get bashed every time I mess up. How do these vibes seem to get going?

Well, I'm thinking of one thing, right now. Or two. Or something else, too. :(

Dream

Also, a boy I knew, someone like him or pretending to be like him, which I dreamed before, wrote a book, just had the same first name. It was a big thing. There were some other things about it that were interesting.

Dream, I Mean Yesterday

For some reason, I've felt tacky and let things out since yesterday and am unhappy when these things happened.

I just noticed a few little things, and it was unintended or not like how things would happen. Well, then I had a big uncomfortable time. I blame my dad, but I hope it was unintentional. My parents can't constantly be at my back picking at this and that like they didn't have anything to do with it. :/ I'm quite depressed, as you can see, but I'll have to get over it somehow, like it was meant to happen but shouldn't have, really. Ever since that "n " word things, these things have to pop up in my mind, but I just hope they stop. I might still think of people as niggers in a way, but hopefully things won't be as bad.

Also, I don't really feel like dieting now. :/ I thought I was tired of what I was eating.

Oh well, I just have to accept it and figure there's a reason maybe. I mean, I guess. Things can change, if for the better. I hope that I haven't affected anyone's lives. ^9.9^

Dream

I was like on the floor of a live movie-quality producion of a twisted "The Phantom of the Opera" or something like that. For some reason, Carlotta was represented as a head, and it was like shocking saying "Ooh, Carlotta!" Or just "Carlotta!" Her head was up above on a stick slowly spinning around. It as more like a sorta simple Greek goddess type version. It was pretty neat, but I don't remember.

I had another dream, hard to remember now. I was pretty tired, up a long time. Oh yes, I was in class. I got these 2 books for a history class I supposedly would succeed in. I had a paper in each one I think the teacher did as she gave them to us but skipped that one person. I think we like put up something that went up in public like for a class or something. Like we did something special I don't remember in the class. The last thing was like a slot machiner response, and I creatively did some repeats but not in perfect symmetry. Like, I remember you could chose a smiling gray animal with like a bow for istance, kinda glittery.

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Also, I experienced so much pain going back to New Orleans, like whenever a physical worker, like of a truck or construction was around. Often, they would slam the back of the truck on to the floor! It hurt so much, but not in like a perverted way like I feel in Orlando. :( Which I don't feel anymore much. :|

I cannot begin to describe the grief that must have existed between different persons. I did like one of my teachers, and I think he liked me and e-mailed me about an essay I couldn't submit. I feel so weird! I am so thankful! Philosophy is so easy! This teacher had black hair and was I think like 30, and I was 20. He seemed so much bigger and older. He was from Saint Louis. He has a crew cut now, I think. It was funny, he went to a play. He sat across the aisle from me, next to a fat lady. The religion teacher, who was so tall and thin, whitish gray beard, also went, and in some ways I felt his presence more. I went to I think 2 Jewish meetings with him for extra credit. They have an organ. The people there I know there was a neat lady, like with bouncy light brown straight hair. I didn't understand most any of what was going on, but I remember "You Catholics never ..." like take enough of a break. Like or we're always busy. I think they don't work on Sunday or something, not sure about Saturday. I went through thoughts of conversion and to this day hold to ... well, my dream to not only not be religious becaue of my declined health but to become Muslim or something. I think I even walked to a Jewish place in New Orleans to take gymanstics but was too old anyway. There was a movie in New Orleans I decided to walk to. I heard MI:III playing and thought it was an organ. From outside. So loud. I left after the theme. So, yea.

So, it was very rough. It was very depressing leaving music. I liked the classes. I got them all as I think Medical Withdrawals, though, even ballet where I did the recital.

So, yea, I hope things go well now. Hopefully, I won't be pushed to get into things I don't need to get into. I guess I pay the money back someday. I am too sick to go and work. I can't sit there and do the same thing over and over. I'd fall apart. I had a job before. I did school uniforms one summer. I just felt like fat and tired and ugly. I feel and felt pushed to work, but I feel pushed by my dad not to go to school. I am uncomfortable around people, too. I've nagged my dad about getting some physical man job. I don't know if I could do that now. :S My mom wants me to volunteer, so I may. I lost the paper to the museum, so maybe I'll look for it or ask for another. So, yes, right now I feel like really tired, and it seems I sleep like up to 12 hours a night and even more, like all day. So, that's fine with my dad, but my mom works, too. She's fine but keeps pushing me to do things outside of the house. That's where we stand. I just wanted to be an actor! It would be fun to work, but I don't think I'd really like it, one job for a long time, like, I mean. Also, I just can't imagine standing up like that. It's like I can't stand to survive, unless I'm online or watching something I like on TV, "The Ellen DeGeneres Show." Also, I go to the movies. It's been that way since the magic died down, like I failed! It died down after awhile in Orlando. I wanted to go to school, too, and do well, and I think . well in Orlando the magic happened when I was between semesters home not feeling well. However, I couldn't stand the noise my mom made, like I just woke up to it. She is Chinese-Indonesian. She seems different now. I think the fan kept the noise out in the 2nd apartment. My mom said the dog wouldn't like the construction in the old apartment. She said he'd go crazy. I thought it'd be okay with me. I don't know why.

Oh yes, I remember imagining the world was like in space and stuff and watching movies and relating them to magic.

So, anyway, I wish I could work and pay back stuff and like support myself more but like being with my parents. Also, it makes it easier to live with more people. They might want time alone. I thought of that. I guess my brother got more time.

I'm getting a bit tired of typing. Must stop.

Imperfect

So, I thought my life was an experiment, so, no I didn't feel as guilty as I would. I was made to think that nothing mattered and it was all fake. So, who would get mad? My intent was actually thinking in my mind to do well in school. So, I went to Washington, D.C., and I was just too elated but mainly had troubles walking to get food. I was so tired thinking my life was an experiment. So, I ran out of fuel there, pretty much. It was pretty painful. The teacher asked me more than once if I knew where I was getting lunch - wait, if - and I said no. But I did! I dunno. Anyway, I had to walk to the nearest place, which was the bottom floor of the church. Or, I ate at teh cafe sometimes..

Okay, so, then I went up north during the hurricane. I was gonna do fine in New Orleans. They had taken me out of my major, though, and voice. Not sure why I bothered returning not in voice and also not in Music Education. Up north, I found because of past education I could not concentrate and read at all there, though in New Orleans the reading, though I spent too much time on it, was very easy. There was so much tiny text up there! However, I was well-accepted, very much, as a person, and like in Harmony privately told like how I was like talented or something. I also did Theory, Conducting, Diction, Organ, and Voice. Fortunately for me, the organ teacher wasn't always there. I had trouble in voice because of my depleting health from the experiment. They told me to quit something but didn't seem like to point at History. So, some things happene dto me physically and I ended up well already believing I was in like an existence where everything was Heaven and more complex than you could imagine, in the form of like intelligence and controlling things through the air and creating environments. I experienced magical things I've gone into and may touch on later. I was determined I had to do something to get into Heaven or I would risk ceasing to exist. I tried to do school. Oh yes, I was also in Choir. So, if it weren't for History and maybe the connecting the Theory, I'd be okay. I did come in late after the hurricane. I don't know, I just had it and didn't know what to do. I knew I would fail the History test and something happened to me physically. I couldn't get out of bed for 3 days and couldn't reach either phone. I couldn't pee, neither. I had to go kinda badly at the start. It was a weird feeling. I guess that was irresponsible to not go back to class. I don't know how magical that was. I don't know what I thought. The magic had worn off by then. Maybe, I was depressed about History. Why would life suddenly be real again? I'm already convinced there is a solution for us all if only we accept all ways of being. It seems if I did that and my life were perfecter, it would have worked and I would be happy. My mom wanted me to go back. It was free.

Okay, so, I guess I should now touch on New Orleans. I couldn't concentrate because of the construction workers and was too disgruntled to think of withdrawing and was attending ballet. So, I switched dorms for an extra hurricane make-up semester. I was in pain and thought I heard noises all the time and screamed and got sent to the police. I've never been in that much pain in my life, well maybe. Then, the fall, I did come home. In the fall, I tried picking a major, again. Wait, I had to.

So, about up north, I dunno. I guess I should have gone home earlier. I think I had enough, but the funny thing was the environment was so dreamy and like symbolic, but things weren't perfect, in a way. I'd never been up north in that area and never that long, and it was quite an experience and to think everything was really magic after thinking my life was an experiment. I didn't really get why my life was an experiment. I was made to feel obligated, not only to write, but to check all the license plates, which wasn't supposed to get in the way but did, and to like read all the people, what they all wore and stuff eventually. Wait, I did that in the summer, too, all the tourists in Key West. Somehow, it made sense, or was it really that many people? It didn't really make sense, but I figured out what it was technically. Ugh! It wasn't supposed to wear me out, but cars galore! Esp. when I was up north. It was so magical there. I walked around town for exercise all night, and the teachers saw me they said. They seemed to approve of it a lot, really. Like, I would walk from 9PM|12AM-daybreak. I remember also nights waking up in the bitter cold grabbing a snack from the machine somehow and making it to all the classes.

If it really interests you, I heard and still hear things like they're there but they're not there. So, up north, I dunno, there were sounds that I don't think could be broadcasted like that. I had visions in my head, but I couldn't see them well. I had lots of visions. My obsessions were not about picking people up but fucking them, moms to baby girls. People were all glittery. I didn't do that in class. I was hoping it wasn't getting in the way. It wasn't constant. I also imagined the way people were and stuff, judging them moreso I mean, dunno. They didn't turn into characters, I think. I even saw this very complex mechanical bug, rather large, sitting on the floor of the laundry room. It disappeared, though, into a tile. I was so mad. I am pretty sure I saw a real bug bounce a few times across the piano. I imagined like people vaccuuming were people I knew in real life playing people who supposedly existed from the experiment! So, some of it was weird. It was so fun going to the place to eat healthy stuff. I just feel a bit knocked out to remember ... oh yes, I was calculating relationships between families from the experiment and somehow it calculated in. This is when I walked around at night alone when like not many people were around that area. I know there was a pizza place opened all night. So, if I quit History, I think I could have made it, though. I walked around for my health, and it became necessary in New Orleans, where there wasn't as many places to walk. I wish I had a handle on all the things I learned even more. I saw things like body shapes and stuff. I felt the idea of the snow and being very very white racially. The cold was like the coldest cold you could stand. I left in November, no snow. Too bad I don't have the picture of me on Halloween when I used my red hoodie as Little Red Riding Hood. So, it was an improvement of the experiment. I did not like the experiment. 8| I'm convinced that this is all a dream. I mean, I know it matters and it's real...of course? I came back down south to live life like I knew it, like I was a real, physical, biological person. I mean, I was a physical person up north.

Ah, yes, must add more. I felt a feeling of more pain than I could ever stand but not in a physical like clinical way. I was walking. I just couldn't stand it, the thought of a mother being tortured. I was like swerving as I was walking. I thought of things like that. I dunno. I have drawings still. Middle Easterns were a figure in my experiment. Middle Easterners, as I remember to say aloud. At first, I felt better in some ways. Then, I began to feel more worn or like not really but like also removed, in a good way. I might have gotten better at some things in shcool. Also, my roommate left. Oh yes, sometimes I would lie in bed and could not move, and I had my arms crossed over me. My hands hurt so much like drying up! I mean the bones, though. Ouch! It felt better after, like I was alive. Also, once one arm was glued over my eyes, and the other forearm, the right one, started to grow a foot and back. It hurt so much, I think when it grew back. Oooooooooow! Another one of the worst things I've felt. There was blood under both armpits, and the right one it lasted for a week. There was no pain there, though. So, when I was in bed for 3 days, my back turned into jelly. I had to whoops be careful for my head so my neck wouldn't snap, but, you know, I totally had a feel for what I was doing. It was very easy, kinda funny. I smiled and like laughing. So, I knew I'd get better. Dunno why. Then for 3 days I was there, smelly, like death, in a comical way. I imagined, and this lasted for at least more than a week, that there were 3 devils that belonged to me, for some reason, it came. One on my right was Tom, I think, a hairy one with breasts and a male part. Then, there was a red devil in a mist at my feet, a big muscular one, evil, though it turned out just comedical but sorrowful, you know like it was a joke. It would suck in there, and it felt so good, not as in I felt a whole lot but something weird. Then, on my left, by the wall, a character I heard as I walked around actually, was this typical figure, like a cartoon, a black devil with a big head and like crossed eyes with blue whites and little black balls. A thin body. I remember once it said, "I'll save you from falling down, Christina. I'll save you from falling up." I couldn't get over it and felt insulted. It seemed to go with me some places, and I was mad when it left when I was with ... "What sociologist?" It was like my best buddy, so close. I identified with it. Also, in the other room, I thought I clearly heard a TV of a devil sucking I think my breasts. I got very supple, milky looking breasts. I even have a picture. It said, like more is that all you got and had this cartoonish such entertaining, soothing sucking. I think I heard Hitler arguing with Jesus, to enough extent.

I felt a lot of things, though, from this particular experience. I do have the feeling no one can kill me, that it won't happen or that something would happen that I could come back or exist in my ideal world.

So, I had all these physical pleasures, though I also was irritated a lot. I often imagined like the whole world was this complex thing of Johnny Depp as Willy Wonka, like the sound of something in the room, reminding me of a chain lifting. I felt one time like a magical pool, thought I heard a man say, "Did you see the pool?" That was the "best" feeling but not my favorite and so maybe not really the best... The best feeling I guess was being blown through. Supposedly, it was to make me fly to heaven and I felt like I was floating. I did this a lot of times. I can't do it here.

When I came home, we had moved, and I always thought I was with these magical creatures and that people existed who were all these characters. I guess it was neat that I imagined I was like in this huge apartment complex and people were blowing out candles for their Orlando birthday. Like one candle I think per person. Like, when you first move there, that's how you feel, supposedly. I seem to think that not everyone experienced this as believing it as magic. I remember that like there was a water dog and some other things. I was assigned to one of three things I think, and 2 were under water. I used to jog around the lake. This dyed away.

So, in conclusion, I regret it all, but I think the magical part came itself. I'm glad to have gotten out of the experiment. I would go around in children's dresses with overcoats that came with them and even work out in them and in my outing shoes. I think I failed because a bus never came and I was going to get more clothes because it was too cold. They even gave me supplies, a blanket, a sweater, and some other things, a CD from the College of Music I attended. I remember shopping in Orlando for the clothes. When I got to Orlando, I suppose the nature of the experiment solidified. In the experiment, I went through thoughts of being the youngest with gold hair. I think this was when I went to Orlando. In the New Orleans area ... well in college it was about love ... then when I went home in the area, it was about real people. Then, there were other people. I went up north and those people dissolved into other things, other people. Well, I guess not all, and some became more prominent taht weren't even prominent in my life. The people from before took a back seat. It was more about peers and creating families which included having relatives. So, I was constantly thinking about hair color and eye color and skin tone being like cream and stuff like that. I think mine was gold but with a pale face. I mean, my palms and the bottom of my feet are like coral pink. They used to really look coral, I know my feet, before the "n" word thing. It was a pretty strong thing. I'm pretty mad about it. I mean, I didn't do anything. I was like signaled to do it and already thought my life was an experiment. What do you think this means to me? Now, I don't have these hues! I've had them for awhile! I'm like dead, now, for some reason, after the New Orleans experience and not being able to stand the noise at home. It was my mom, though she's nice to me now. My brother did it, too. My dad became racist to me in the end. I barely think of myself. I think it's because of where I live. So, that's that. There was a reason. I was like in check with how I felt at shcool, always a reason. Also, when I looked at a page nubmer, it wasn't there. So, I guess I lost track of things, was disappointed things changed and it wasn't really an experiment but like a living hell where things seemed to have higher intelligence. I remember up north I had the feeling I was just born, too. It was after tumbling out of bed a few times, I think. Orlando is amazing, too, though, but I feel sorry for the people in ways and hope they get out their frustrations and learn how to live to improve their health eventually, find a way, before they kill me. 8^. So, it was weird. I think the ballet kept me there. There was a recital first semester, and I did 2 ballet programs, the day one and the night one. A lot of really good people left, though, after hte hurricane. So, I don' tknow if I could leave. The last semester, I got out of walking a few miles to be a miad in "The Nutcracker." The maid #1, which I was 2, was in a role with the Butler, who was in the company, and I think had a solo and something else maybe. So, I was just in so much pain the 2nd semster of this trial period in New Orleans and was like crawling to the offices, too, begging to get back into my major, Music Education with Voice lessons on the side, though I got in as Piano and Organ, failed the first audition with Voie and retried with Piano and did a separate Organ audition since it wasn't big. Ugh! It was a good experience, though, not sure which semester was more exciting now. I really tried, but like nothing was there that I studied in religion. History was hard, but it was an interesting class to sit through. I don't think I can sit through anymore classes, and I'm not really sure why. I feel too bothered by everyone around me. I can't work, neither. I'm not healthy enough, yet! 8^. I would prefer to go to college or maybe I mean eventually want to be a movie actor. I feel sorta worn down as a normal person. I just started getting healthier! People don't get that I deserve to accept that I'm worn out, now feel like kinda like dying in some way but not like physically so, not sure there, after the guilt trip for college, which seemed to be a telepathic onset, I didn't feel good, after the 3 days in bed missing the History test, really. 8^.

So, I wish that I took less classes up north or tired to be a movie actor before it was too late! I felt likeI could live forever until thsi happened, andit's because I was made to feel guilty. I know the magic wore away, though, after the 3 days in bed, as though I failed to make it. I got fat when I decided to eat chocolate one or two days, actually. 8^. I never got back on track. I got even fatter in New Orleans from ballet and no gym. Oh well.

So, it wasn't worth it, in this way. Music was good. They did have film and said you could use it to act. (IT was probably like film history and the various other things, like some directing courses etc.) I was looking at Musical Theater, when my mom came up to get me, we watched a cute show, with some cute moving. '8^) You know, though, I'm really tired writing all this.

I must also add, now, that I went around New Orleans in pain all the time, I think the 2nd semester. I would hear things in my ear, like people clicking. No, wait, also the 1st semseter. Like, hateful clicking. I had the feeling it would stop if I went home. However, I also heard things that were like not from any sound source, just there. How about this...

Work ... Out
Work ... Now
In Slim, in Slim
Open Up ... Open Up

Over and Over! It was very annoying, but then I missed it. I was just mad that this was all happening because it was unfair to me. Why would I go home and do absolutely nothing now?

I saw things, too, like a bird carrying a sack of a person whose eyes were googling out, supposed to be someone or 2 people I knew. It was so annoying, I couldn't stand this!

I was able to treat myself to some pizza delivered and out. Not enough food! I gave up money up north to buy toys, but my mom took them in the apartment storage and I never saw them again. Up there, I got smoothies, too, and wraps.

Really, though, in my ear! It sounded unearthly, too...

For awhile, in Orlando, I felt things, too. I couldn't move nor escape my predicament and felt like little miners coming and ticking at me, literally, almost could see this happening, a huge nightmare. I also dreamed up or saw rather like a skinny head with a square body, which I saw in a movie, except in the form of a cowboy, with a jittering cigarette. And a jittering gun. This was so big. We kept imagining all these characters. There were different worlds. One was the Halloween world. Well, spooky world, witches and magic and stuff, well not magical magical. Then there's Disney, the like stage performances and bally people. Then, there's 2 western places, one with the like short sexy lady and then the one with the yippee yo kay a very jumpy and overly present people. I think in that world the kids would tackle stuff. I think the adults had like a gun that didn't really kill them or possibly a lasso. I think in the other west, the people had these machines. They were like getting in trouble or someting for talking to me. I think I remember the girls in it were kinda like maybe had like raggedy anne looks with bangs and stuff. 8^. I'm feeling kinda weird. So, also, after this died down, I felt swirling in my stomach. It died down eventually, AS I got on line. I knwo I experienced a lot of pain from people. I remember thinking seeing "Greece?" "Hercules" was realistic or something. I was entertained much by the ducks, thinking they were people from the first experiment and characters invented - oh my gosh - I forgot about that! There were 2 people from the New Orleans area, my 3rd high school. Always going around was the idea of like what are you made of. Like, you have a bottom and a top basically, an outside and an inside. You are made of pee, milk, or blackness of nothing. I became ... milk on the outside and black on the inside and still am to this day. It's quite established in me. Supposedly, like, I know, in Disney I think it was something like the adults and kids each had reverse one side was pee and the other was milk. It was about the relationship of picking them up. The same went for the Western places. :| So, I remember there were some people in my dream otherwise, too, remember a guy with like black maybe Hercules hair drinking down like hot pepper or hot sauce. It was so gross. And it made these makes of people sick, you might call them, like, though, they were individuals, too. There was the idea that some were evil, like these very thin, skinny girls, but then they were good. I was in pain this whole time from being fat. It was my second time bloating. I'm still bloated to this day, hoping to get down finally. It's quite painful to be this bloated, anyone'd say, though I'm not really fat. It's just, I've accumulated fat so many times since quitting gymnastics at age 9. IT did thin me out and make me look less Chinese and more European I guess. It was so painful to gain fat. I grew upo tinking I had to always exercise and that I didn't enough because of transportation, money, and programs.

I remember, now, there was also this thing where there was this creature a black bug with lots of red eyes, and I experienced it being turned around in pain and being tortured all the time. I even felt it in New Orleans. I had problems with that up there at first.

Well, that about covers it. Might I add I saw Bolero on TV with this like goo moving along of coke and then this ape with fire and then marching along in progress. It was so annoying (but I liked it) ... I liked it a lot and miss it and tried to find it I think ... so long, this coke crawling along, maybe dripping out of its bottle. It was so funny then you se an ape get fire. Then, there were all these otehr things.

Well, I just wish that things went better, that I took less classes, and that I knew when I should come home. Mabye ge ta degree? Too alte to do that on time. May as well give up. Or I could try to finish it at home, but dorm is better than trasnportioatn, and I wanted to be at home. I would not have even gone to college, I thought, but maybe it was better to get on my feet. I got the 2nd highest scholarship and would be allwoed free up north. My mom was so mad I didn't go back... I could ahve done voice. I wanted New Olreans and I guess maybe mainly eys the ballet. New Orelans is nice, but I'm used to it. I mean, I coulnd't have done voice.

I'll have to work on figuring out waht to do, but I feel too old to enjoy college and want to be a movie actor. For money, I guess I'll have to pay back when I am not sick. True, I am sitting here watching "The Ellen DeGeneres Show," but I'd otherwise be posting online until I feel nursed back to health. Things have come up, but I hope things get better.

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Being the Youngest

I guess I fancy being the youngest, but ultimately it's just kinda ... meh ... weird. I've been in situations like that, and I felt accomplished.

So, being with another person, I find it fun being with one older person and one younger person... I also like being with lots of younger people.

I'm sorry for some of the hard feelings that have come across, but I disclaim them as false, shouldn't have thought them, though, and is not really like me. Just look at the situation and who I've become.

So, back to being the youngest or oldest or in the middle. I guess being in the middle can be hard, but it's the most normal of situations.

So, yes, I think we all sometimes like being with older people and sometimes with younger people.

As to my brother, well, I mean being older is fun because I'm with my mom and my dad's there... I don't know why my brother is how he is. I guess his life was confusing and he didn't do gymnastics nor some other form of physical activity before the age of 6. He used to just lie on the couch all the time watching TV and fighting me, well not really being mean but like telling me what to do.

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MySpace

Isn't it sad how MySpace has dyed down?

Things That Come Up

Isn't it funny how unnecessary things come up?

Orlando

Orlando seems pretty wretched. :*(

What You Really Did

I figured if I didn't really do something I can't be sorry for it. Sometimes, things just happen. I try to think about them and explain the facts in the matter. Today, I found that works, just unsolve the facts...

I also figured probably it wouldn't work, but oh well, still can brush over and be something in this world.

Something I Thought

Oh no! Something came up. I was in the bathroom and thought about something for the first time, but at least it was someone in my family. :|

Grocery

I cut myself at the grocery store putting groceries on the belt. Also, I told them to put back the creamy ranch dressing. No dip for me. :( I did get spices.

Doctor

The doctor said the very small tumor under my brain like stopped protruding, I think got smaller, my dad said disappeared. However, I remember he also said the medicine didn't get in the way. I'm surprised my dad didn't do anything when I said I didn't take the medicine anymore for awhile.

Dream

I dreamed pretty quickly and was waking up. I think it was about crossing a border, I'm pretty sure. Like, I was on a map with these big old men shouting across each other merrily.

Like a yellowish map with a dotted line.

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My Statement

I figure I served my purpose, time to retire. :| ...

However, I still have the same interests as everyone else in the world but probably had a fair share of a type of attention. I feel that people won't leave me alone, though.

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Never Seemed That White a Long While Ago

I mean, I'm always getting better. I never was how I wanted to be, and, no, it isn't because I wasn't an adult, yet, or something like that... In fact, I didn't seem very white, but I mean I seemed astute in many ways. I got to be pretty interesting in this one place, after quitting gymnastics lessons, was never on a team. Suddenly, my nose got bigger and my face thinned out, well longer nose. Probably not good, but my eyes changed color from as a kid brown to more even green seeming. I mean, I wear glasses.

My Dying Life

Also, my life is interesting to me, but it seems not to be as interesting to other people. It doesn't seem so after such a bad day, like my life isn't mine. I don't follow like I don't deserve to associate myself with my past. Sometimes, I did some right things. I wanted to do what I did, but I got tired. It's racism! I mean, I got by in the back, but I didn't accomplish much concretely like at a sorta priced level. I feel sorta left in the dust after the day but will probably get over it. It's nice starting over, though. :p I guess everyone learns something. We'll see what happens. I hope I don't think of anything bad even if something bad happens.

My dad really hurt me, like made me tippy, and I just sorta ripped into him in the end but didn't really try to hurt him, so I'm worried about that. So, no, I decided not to hurt anyone, thinking, on purpose.

Help!

So, I'm interested in Ellen DeGeneres and think that she wants me to watch her show and continue to post online with her, as should everyone or at least those most interested. However, I feel slighted that I shouldn't be with her, that if I didn't post online that maybe she'd have more freedom. I don't expect like her to read it, but I like doing it. I would like to talk to others like her.

I guess I have to admit yes there's only one of her, but there are different people with different similarities. So, I'm interested in her, too, and maybe I'm more interested than most people, though I only started watching her show for the first time earlier this year and some episodes I ran across looking up people on YouTube.

I'm getting kinda tired. :p

...

Girl at Wal-Mart

Also, a girl seemed to connect with me not even looking at me, with a boy. She was skinny on top with big puffy legs. Medium light brown wavy hair, a somewhat long slender nose. Probably blue or blue grayish eyes.

However, it sounded like the cashier said "gay." The girl realized it was just a safety tool. The cashier, with long gray wavy partly light brown hair kinda like stimulated me with her arm. Someone did that at the other Wal-Mart, earlier. I got mad. I think people started to get scared of me.

I guess the lady about Thanksgiving will get over it, but I don't know. I mean, I'm a weird person, but I wasn't nearby. I'm sure she'll feel better about herself. I got Orlando to ricochet back if they're mean to me, as well. }:D

Middle Easterner

I saw a Middle Eastern lady, medium tall and big kinda, with a shawl, kinda warmly and complexly dressed, at the grocery store, last stop. I also returned shampoo at CVS Pharmacy and they didn't accept one of them back that I don't think I can use because it's different, the conditioner, I think. So, whenever I see a Middle Easterner they've always noticed me and been happy, from far away hearing me step. I went back to a blog and read something I wrote for fun, "They knew they were behind racially," as a joke because they thought that and I think European is fun like they do but like to preserve other cultures. Doesn't everyone? From a foreign country like thaat? Ever since, I've been more uncomfortable. I think I was slighted by a young one and discredited her, but she seemd less Middle Eastern and more Spanish, not sure what she was wearing. :| So, anyway, this lady was really calm and gave me a tingly sorta more softer or mellow feeling, kinda rich, thick, deep, and not full but in itself fullness. She seemed to think that this was like an ultimate meet-up. Quickly upon seeing her, an old man advertising veggies asked me to get some. I insisted to myself I wouldn't insult the lady and didn't. No, I didn't really get insulted in that scene. I think the lady went off kinda not doing anything but feeling like an excuse. I was looking at the broccoli for awhile and he said he said it was get one free and I was like oh okay. I made another mistake today, too, and other days, I think, one I remember more.

Bad Day. Meh. :|

So, yea, I do feel really bad that the day didn't go perfectly. It's hard to accomplish without trying. I follow logic. I didn't really hurt anyone, but in a way it seemed like I did and I was sad and stopped. Someone went crazy when I accidentally sounded like I said Thanksgiving. I feel bad, but it wasn't on purpose at all. I'm not sure how clumsy it was.

Also, I don't know what happened to my cheeks. I took a bunch of pictures.

I dunno, sometimes I just react if I've messed up my life recently, just a quick moment of defiance, though, must be a habit of racism. I don't know what was wrong with me.

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I wonder if I need to switch from Flickr to Photobucket.

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Hard Day.. :p

So, I had a really hard day.

I lay down for like 40 minutes, I guess, since my dad wanted to come home and nap. Then, we went out again. We went to Wal-Mart for about half an hour. I was okay there, wait, I got upset there and explained it already. I guess we went back to another one later. So, I ate at the mall while my dad shopped. I had a large Fruit Julius pina colada and sub, chicken bacon ranch with honey oat, foot long. I was okay until I went in the bathroom. Well, I came out and decided to fix my bra. A large black lady seemed to notice me, and the fact she was so fat came out and I imagined she reacted adversely. That was a feeling going around. I didn't have a perfect start of the day. So, I went back in and people didn't understand me!!! My life is so lame. One of them made me dizzy in an uncomfortable yet somewhat pleasured way but not too much, nothing I'd not done before, though I'm older now. I managed to get an outward grip on it. I came out and my dad was swinging a bag funnily. I hit the rail of the moving stairs thinking that I was playing along. We went to the grocery store and I had to replace a squeaky cart and got uncomfortable the whole way. The other cart jiggled. I realized that it was my faul if I was affected and that fighting back probably wouldn't help. At Wal-Mart, I got upset some girls didn't seem to accept me and something came across me in like ways outside of me in parts, like in balls even, "I hope - you don't - be - a movie ... star..." :*( I mean, she was so mean. Then, she showed that she wasn't very authentic, as I remember people before "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" came out and had been out. So, I came out still upset I felt so revealed. I also managed to sound like I said "Thanksgiving" but was sorry for it like a sad toy puppy with a skinny upturned tail when I was away later. So, with the movie star thing it wasn't actually very deliberate. I didn't know what to say. My dad made me uncomfortable in various ways, and I felt like I was swearing at him saying he was "crap." He tried to bore something into me that a stranger couldn't, just in case and because of the nature of events. Something else bad came to my mind, too, that someone wasn't even shit. I guess that makes sense grammatically, which is something that's gone around in the past day. I got mad earlier today when my dad thought that a black person seeming to think I was so bad wasn't even worthy of something. I guess he was trying to help a black person out. Also, at the mall, there was a fat Spanish lady who seemed kinda ethnic, as though she were Oriental. She didn't ask me what I wanted for cheese. I thought she was Chinese and short, but she turned out to be huge. She melted a little cheddar cheese. I asked for Swiss cheese, and she didn't at first and then just went ahead and put it on and I didn't bother to ask for more. I got upset at the area sitting down because I wanted cheese. Also, I just got really healthy food. No dressing, no cheese. I also got 2 jugs of water for my room. I stopped listening to music all the time, too, less paranoid. I do hear the cars with my ear plugs, but oh well. I guess I just have to keep trucking.

I feel that I've been a pretty well-behaved person, somewhat irritated but honest, unsure of why I was how I was. I don't know how worthy I am more than anyone else. I wish my life were set up differently. It was rather lonely and obscure. I had fun in this one place, but then things went downhill upon moving.