Why are people harassing me for who I am? They don't want me to change, but my reputation doesn't represent my affinities.
I think I'm going to hurt someone by accident in my thoughts. Like really badly. I feel very annoyed by every little thing now. It strikes me as very annoying. I have random thoughts for no reason, and people deny what they wanted in me without telling me what they wanted and refusing to, basically. At least, it seemed there was no reason to ask.
Just because other peoples's parents like me doesn't mean I have to bend over backwards for their bad kids.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Not Undeserving
Now, people are acting like I don't deserve what I have any more than anyone else or maybe even less in spirit, really.
So Mad I'd...
So, when my mom came in the laundry when I was in bed, I thought of the word "poo." I had gotten upset in private but didn't do anything to anyone. I wasn't disgusting, neither. So, this was awhile ago. I went jogging for a 2nd time since then. I thought of something as a car went by and felt uncomfortable. I had been getting signals, too. I thought of the word "poo." Then, the car made me think of my idea of a daughter, like her birthday or her 1st birthday. Another car came by, and I tried to act like I was a good mother, though the car could still tell I had the word "poo" in the back of my mind. Then, I thought of something as general as the word "nervous." Then, I thought of e-mail as the car left. How perverted is that, really? Why should it happen to me? There should be an answer. People are so mean to me and never let me get mad. That's so gay.
Race
Oh no, now, I remember a bad racial word came to my mind! I don't like that but felt offended, partly with something about race. :(
Blacks in America
I was watching a commercial and realized blacks were immersed only in American culture and never had European contact.
Mad
I didn't know what to do at first. I got mad when I got upset, again, too. I tried directing my thoughts at no one in particular. Some threats did pass me, for the most part, actually, but not so concretely. It just came, just my ideas and these words that didn't mean anything to me.
I didn't even do it back. I mean, it wasn't even about me as a person. I'm not sure if that is ever justified, theoretically.
I just don't take those things. I figured out how to buffer some of it, but then this came up! I mean, I just won't accept some things as so, and sometimes I guess I'll judge others for it for some reason, simple thinking bored into me for no reason. I'm used to boring things out and finally figured out something more concrete|solid. Still unsure exactly of what's going on.
Too bad I didn't accept it. It'd not happened before. I don't know if I was worried or something. I don't accept it. I don't like getting mad, though. I mean, it's hard to know what to think, and then words come to my mind. I know people are looking for that, too.
Now, I just have to see what happens next and not let anything illegal happen and try to not care|react. Maybe, I can't take people seriously. :(
I didn't even do it back. I mean, it wasn't even about me as a person. I'm not sure if that is ever justified, theoretically.
I just don't take those things. I figured out how to buffer some of it, but then this came up! I mean, I just won't accept some things as so, and sometimes I guess I'll judge others for it for some reason, simple thinking bored into me for no reason. I'm used to boring things out and finally figured out something more concrete|solid. Still unsure exactly of what's going on.
Too bad I didn't accept it. It'd not happened before. I don't know if I was worried or something. I don't accept it. I don't like getting mad, though. I mean, it's hard to know what to think, and then words come to my mind. I know people are looking for that, too.
Now, I just have to see what happens next and not let anything illegal happen and try to not care|react. Maybe, I can't take people seriously. :(
Very Enraged
I totally was unable to continue enjoying a song I recorded, "Memory," for some reason, even the moving.
How It Happened
What happened was, I felt too slighted because I wasn't feeling well enough and then I guess it seemed wrong. It was sorta a gross feeling, unsure why, maybe my past health history.
Oh, no, what's gonna happen?
I wonder what will happen now. I was okay for awhile, but things always come up. I feel a bit shocked, like in my eyes and kinda in my head. I mean, nothing's happening now.
Passing Judgement
People should make it a point to find those they look for who they are and to know who they are. You should know what a person likes and why they might be how they are. You shouldn't pass judgement on them in the wrong way. You should just leave them alone.
Being With People
It seems that sometimes I'm not supposed to feel close to some people. That's okay. I'm fine all by myself.
What Came Up
Well, what came up was a sorta slamming feeling, and I'd been thinking of heads lately. Nothing hurting anyone. Then, a word for, well, the word "shit" came up and I associated it with someone, kinda. It came up again but not in that magnitude|realism. With the next person, I think I just sorta smashed into the soap, not really acceptable to know about. Ow, my heart! I take heart pills. I chose to.
Not Feeling Well
I just got really mad, but at least I was't slamming things right and left. I guess I just have to accept people literally being mean to me. I seem to always find something. I guess race is a touchy subject for me that shouldn't have come up. It just seems like no one cares about me. I don't even feel free in the world to go up and meet people.
Ow, now my heart feels like it might explode slightly, this puffed metallic feeling.
First, I felt offended by some people about someone, and then I felt offended about my own race by someone else. I mean, people can't affect me like this. Something must be done. I will not accept these kinds of things coming up. I will not sit there submissively. Something will come up.
Ow, now my heart feels like it might explode slightly, this puffed metallic feeling.
First, I felt offended by some people about someone, and then I felt offended about my own race by someone else. I mean, people can't affect me like this. Something must be done. I will not accept these kinds of things coming up. I will not sit there submissively. Something will come up.
Health
I keep rubbing at this thing I have on my back I realized, skin sticking out, like a thin pimple. I had some removed and they came back worse and longer but stopped. I might have 3 of different sizes and I think more smaller ones.
Oh well, my body is pretty good otherwise. I know I have them by my neck and armpit.
So, I guess I'll just have to try to stay healthier.
Oh well, my body is pretty good otherwise. I know I have them by my neck and armpit.
So, I guess I'll just have to try to stay healthier.
All Alone
It's nice to be alone. I am having hopes I will get accepted as an actor sometime soon. I don't thin models usually get paid a lot. I do like being with people, but around some people I feel hassled. I think it really gets to be too much but keeps me going. I used to have more privacy. So, it's nice to have dreams where you're alone sometimes and then you're around other people, too. So, I guess I'll go lie down and later fetch something to eat and then who knows what. I'm waiting to be alone in the week to finally send out an application to a last talent agency which looks good and like accepting. So, I'll try to enjoy life as is and hope that the bad things get wiped away. I am learning to avoid them and hoping nothing gets dont to really hurt me.
Back to Bed No Breakfast for Now
So, I guess I'll go back to bed, lay down, and hope I'm comfortable. 8|
Hopefully, I'll sleep for awhile, still feel pretty sore. I was out jogging last night.
I like to feel at ease that the next day will bring joy, but my dreams are important to me and so is my imagination, which is lived concretely in dreams. I like the exciting ones and where I get cuddled for somes reason, though in real life I can never admit to enjoying it. I like the dangerous ones. I don't know about the uncomfortable ones. Being picked up is okay, and it's fun to be a kid. It kinda depends on how it is. It's fun to see others get loved and reach certain stages of realization, but I haven't encoutered someone else like playing my role of my desires, sorta mirroring what we all want. So, I guess I am kinda dreaming for myself in how I feel. What happens is a success for me. Sometimes, in dreams, it hasn't. I've gotten better at dreaming in the past 2 months, I think. I liked seeing the little girl. It's interesting when I'm with kids around my age, too. I have a submissive side as well as an agressive side with them or assertive, I guess you'd say.
I don't know. I did hope that others would experience just what I did, but we are all different, too, so it means something different to people and they can't all think the same thing all the time.
I think we can all react to people and get to know them. I don't know how long it takes, but getting familiar and opening yourself up and genuinely liking someone and connecting with them helps, a lot. So, it's just nice to experience these thoughts and have things happen to you and to feel like you're "with people" somehow.
Hopefully, I'll sleep for awhile, still feel pretty sore. I was out jogging last night.
I like to feel at ease that the next day will bring joy, but my dreams are important to me and so is my imagination, which is lived concretely in dreams. I like the exciting ones and where I get cuddled for somes reason, though in real life I can never admit to enjoying it. I like the dangerous ones. I don't know about the uncomfortable ones. Being picked up is okay, and it's fun to be a kid. It kinda depends on how it is. It's fun to see others get loved and reach certain stages of realization, but I haven't encoutered someone else like playing my role of my desires, sorta mirroring what we all want. So, I guess I am kinda dreaming for myself in how I feel. What happens is a success for me. Sometimes, in dreams, it hasn't. I've gotten better at dreaming in the past 2 months, I think. I liked seeing the little girl. It's interesting when I'm with kids around my age, too. I have a submissive side as well as an agressive side with them or assertive, I guess you'd say.
I don't know. I did hope that others would experience just what I did, but we are all different, too, so it means something different to people and they can't all think the same thing all the time.
I think we can all react to people and get to know them. I don't know how long it takes, but getting familiar and opening yourself up and genuinely liking someone and connecting with them helps, a lot. So, it's just nice to experience these thoughts and have things happen to you and to feel like you're "with people" somehow.
Dream
So, I was feeling guilty mainly about being like touched and picked up because I've been mad alone this week. I don't know if it was the time I recovered by this 3rd dream tonight, skipping having such a good dream the previous night. I explained about the other people. I guess, in general, I feel slighted at any little thing, a bit unsure as to why, have been always kinda like that. Still, it was a dynamic dream. A lot of things happened in it. It shows promise for the future. I like how it was all kids and one adult with some adults mentioned on the side, what life is like. I don't know how people end up relating or not, but I guess it's like it happens in turn or something. Some cases more extreme in some ways for who knows what reasons, but it seems we're all different. It's just how things happened, but they might be different.
Like, I met the little girl at the beginning. She thought Ellen DeGeneres was so old. She probably was jealous she wasn't really old at all, to me, except that she's in her 50s. However, I'm used to that.
Like, I met the little girl at the beginning. She thought Ellen DeGeneres was so old. She probably was jealous she wasn't really old at all, to me, except that she's in her 50s. However, I'm used to that.
Dream
It's hard to remember it all, but I kinda do. I was in my dorm and I was too tired. My roommate was there. I remember I saw Tim Burton and he was with his daughter. I was mad everyone thought his daughter was better than me. I was so tired, couldn't move, and then college started. I went to the office to get my schedule. I saw a little girl, and she asked me who my "something" person was. She had straight white shiny hair, was maybe 3 or 4, short, and English. I said "Ellen DeGeneres" and some things and she asked me backsome questions. So, I guess I went back to my dorm and had some problems and I guess I asked the office people to help. I noticed a CD was in a crack that I had, and I made some noise, some people in bed, to show I as mad but didn't hurt anyone. People tried to justify why I deserved it, but they knew it could happen to them.
Then, we were all outside, and like something happened. This time we were with Elln DeGeneres. I think that a flood came and I imagined I was wearing a scuba mask. We held our breath and the water went down. I wasn't helping because I was so tired. Ellen DeGeneres was watching over us all. I said I was tired when she came by. So, she like finally felt at ease with me, for some reason. Then, we all went in 2 lines, and she actually started talking tome but looked like someone else. I think that some people said that when she came out the 2nd time. She looked a lot shorter, too. Then, I said it, even though I hadn't "always been to school there." It was funny. Then, I remember we were in a room. I was adament toher, already. She closed a door kinda mad, seemed more like she was younger but still looke dkinda the same. I went through the other door because I wanted to follow her and it seemed like I should to ask if everything was okay. She addressed the issue and reclosed the door. There were other neat workers there around my age. I think something else happened, she said something else. Then, she came back to us, and there was a bleached blonde there, a little fatter than me witha smooth physique. I think she started singing something to her she made up then told her to kiss her. I think it seemed awkward. I did something, said something recited that made sense, from my notebook, that fit in, and when she smiled and people looked and she got closer I put the book in front of me and said maybe someday. The other girl wrote in her notebook, and it was weird. I did, and it wasn't. I think she was very pleasing to me. I said we need our own and we tore out that paper and I almost ran out of room.
It was "Friday" and I went to get my food, assuming it'd be pizza, which was buried under another piece of food, cheese. So, I saw biscuits with something good, roasted chicken elgs, greens, and I think potatos. I used to always dream of getting a McDonald's ice cream sundae at the college next door in this place, and sometimes I got it. I heaved and was gonna go somewhere like that. Instead, I stayed here.
I also remember telling Ellen DeGeneres, maybe in her self form, that I had so much trouble setting up my dorm and had to get help from the office, when it was pretty much set. She asked if I needed help, and I like gaped|opened my eyes big and said no.
So, it was interesting I felt pretty close to her. Also, there was a girl I knew in it, and she changed to one of my schools and someone noticed her. I usually feel overpowered by people, so I was attentive, though. I came in the room with Ellen DeGeneres and talked about her for some reason but decided not to mention 1 thing, her hair color. I explained how I used to be the opposite of her. I was more like Ellen DeGeneres in that way.
Tim Burton was approving of me, pretty close but not much contact. His daughter I watched twice and noticed the 2nd time she seemed more detailed and more like me.
Of course, my favorite thing was the mystery of Ellen DeGeneres.
I had 2 dreams before of like a news lady talking maybe or maybe that was another day or one of them.
I think some people are getting nasty thoughts about Ellen DeGeneres and the way that she relates to people. 8^. I mean, I am generally quite an accepting person, but like it's like they don't want her to appeal to a certain audience, if you know what I'm saying...
So, yes, I had in this dream Ellen DeGeneres taking special notice|care to me and that what I did was always right because for some reason I knew the ropes and pretty much knew what I was doing somewhat automatically though awkward.
Also, I got mad by myself this week, and now I notice that people are going around thinking certain things and it's bothering me. I wonder if they found out through my parents. They seem to do wrong things to me when I feel bad because it makes them feel bad.
So, yea, it was interesting, the different scenes in this dream and being with all the different people.
I know we went through this. I've been contemplating why people today some are so short and I guess some are so tall. Because I was so tired she gave me this inkling. She said because of it and something else, I think also being too tired for my dorm|college, that, since I guess I think about kid stuff sometimes and stuff somehow, not sure why I like to dream or somewhat along the lines of the feeling at least think of me, that she'd just pick me up and carry me. It didn't really seem to happen, but I think it did. Like I was a kid still. Which I am to her. It's hard to see it any other way. It was like she was going to do it with people and ended up paying more attention to me because everyone else wasn't paying attention|didn't really care. So, oh yea, like I think I said, she said because of that maybe we can set something up, like probing into the idea, of what she wanted to do and what I accepted and how I felt and what I really wanted in life. Like it would be how it would make sense technically and it's not just something that comes up for no reason in life. People who really live.
So, yea, it was a pretty nice dream. I was worried and uncomfortable.
Other things you might like to know are ... oh yea, I didn't really feel good myself in esteem about being picked up in this dream, probably because I've been mad lately alone and my parents don't like that ... so there was a net under my bed and for some reason I was thinking it was if you fell. It was to store stuff. I talked about propping my bed up a whole level so I could go under it, but it was sheltered by some things.
The funny thing is now I look like a boy and serious.
So, the girl I knew, we were looking in a yearbook from 12th grade and she just transfered. She was singing and dancing and looked more like me now. Well, she was mostly singing and maybe just moving a little, like tilting her head and stuff or moving it back and forth.
It makes me think, I keep having to think I'm so bad if I don't feel well and others don't, like with my dad and through my mom. It's been upsetting me. I can never right myself. I'm not a very bad person, so if I do something wrong it's not something I usually do.
Oh yes, I was also thinking of cuddling with someone and there was I think the idea that since the figure was Ellen DeGeneres in some reperesntation that she would and it was imagined she did and then instead she decided to pick me up like a kid since we were kids and I was tired. This didn't really happen in the flesh nor in much representation, just a passing idea. I guess what I think when things like this suddenly happen or the fact I'm interested, though myself usually don
t experience these things, that it's a nice thing to do and something in life you should do. I don't know which side of the family it could be from. It seems like something new.
I've been thinking, other people are bad and my dad, as well as mom, approve of it, like it's their right, like thinking of other girls. With me, though, they like stimulate me to feel pretty much "stupid" and bewildered and tacky and stuff and uncomfortable. Other people when I get mad they usually gape, but I don't know how mad I really feel nor if I get mad publicly. :/ I sure didn't get mad in this dream. I was all controled.
So, yes, I am always happy when I dream about someone as good as Ellen DeGeneres and how I am close to them. I remember one quirk of the dream this time was that like she trailed off mumbling that she felt the same thing as me so didn't need to touch it. Also, I had to go through thinking I wasn't compatible to her because her mom's last name might be Jewish. I think that's kinda mean, but I guess it's a tool.
So, yes, there was this, like, rapport, weaving in and out. It was fun with all the kids in my class and other people who came in it. I saw my mom, too, and I wore heals and was like a giant to her. I was with another girl. I think I was going with my roommate or something and my mom was helping me get my things for the summer. :0 Like, all the girls in that room were going with her. The other girls were really nice. My area mate was tall with a long nose, kinda gray looking and a little lumpy and lanky, obviously with like shoulderblade length straight smooth silvery hair. The dorm area changed from when Tim Burton was there. There were more other sweet girls after that, though more modern, normal looking ones, like with the triangle faces sorta flat over but a little fat, with various shades of bleached probably in the shadows and even silver, straight hair, very squinted eyes, but still Caucasian with like wrinkles around them. They moved kinda fast and in some light disjointed.
It's funny, I don't feel like going out today and not like eating and maybe too tired to take a shower, though I've been sleeping awhile. It feels like I'm gonna lie down and sleep again, hopefully wake up late.
I suppose there was a feeling of satisfaction, though a bit in this case odd..., that this person cared about me and wanted to pick me up, however odd in real life that is with most people or how it doesn't really come up with those people. Like, you know, you have a feeling you care about someone. Care overflowed me when I saw the little girl at the beginning. She said that's good and she knows her. I asked, "You know Ellen?" like all kinda vibrant and sweet and affirmative, somehow. It was so funny, everyone else didn't care that she was like offering|doing this. It was funny though that girl it was so awkward the way that she wasn't supposed to do this, unsure why, perhaps in this way, and she actually, very good, let out that she wanted to be kissed. I went through a tumultuous feeling phantasmagoria, as well, myself. I guess she doesn't do that or something. So, everyone else was anticipating. They watched over us writing, too, and she left but leaving me with a feeling of closure and over-approval of what I was writing. It's funny, we wrote with our hands, but it came out as small type.
So, it was funny, when this happened, the flood went down and it was kinda like a beach. I guess there was like a wall there, too. I think a white wall. I was behind there when she came and got me or I went there. Well, you know, it didn't actually happen.
So, yes, the rapport was nice, think I've been through and through with it. I guess I can still go back and develop my thoughts over it, remember more details.
So, nice dream. A bit uncomfortable but smooth in action. I think I should have gone to the bathroom, yes have been going often enough, so maybe it was just doable and I woke up again and ended up going but had gone just before this dream. I think this was my 3rd dream.
A car drove by, too, and I thought of the word "beer" and like it would go or did but didn't up a female part, so I had to do what I always do and not feel that, and it as hard and very annoying and took awhile, maybe until I fell asleep. It's getting better, what I think of cars driving by.
So, I accomplished a lot in this dream, today, pretty exciting, nice people, lit up.
So, yes, it's nice to care about others and to be appreciated for your true feelings. I think the dream was centered around me yet not attentive. Still, it's more than I could hope for, as usual, like these dreams. I like the ones, which includes most these days, which are morbid yet with a light on. I think it's about how people are in real life and how you deal with it and live your life. People need to open up. They probably are open to the same things I am. It is funny, I guess, it was one adult and a bunch of kids. Mostly. There was a parent there, when I saw the person as short and the parent was short and kinda stout and so was the other person. Also, the person I was talking to had such reddish, as in pink burn, shiny, thick sorta folded over, skin and a little bandaid covering a booboo or pimple, some sort of wound or cut with blood it seemed. She said it was hard for her to talk and like touched it. I had seen it like sorta let off on the side, that it was a cut, but must have been like a blackhead. I have a lot of those, grayheads I guess, which go away with showers and get covered up with makeup. So, that was weird, didn't like that. That's when she really addressed and connected to me. I spoke and probably came up a little and she totally came over by me. This was sorta in the middle.
So, yes, it was exciting, the flood and all, the big blue greenish water going over our heads and the feeling of being underwater not breathing. We were altogether and I was so imagining a scuba helmet, and then we all had one. I was holding my breath. There was one part where I was cupping my hand over my mouth on the side of a cave as water was rushing in, gooey wet cool water. Not gooey as in disjointed! :0
Why do my hands look so affected? Hm. :/
Being covered in water was the best part.
Then, we were all outside, and like something happened. This time we were with Elln DeGeneres. I think that a flood came and I imagined I was wearing a scuba mask. We held our breath and the water went down. I wasn't helping because I was so tired. Ellen DeGeneres was watching over us all. I said I was tired when she came by. So, she like finally felt at ease with me, for some reason. Then, we all went in 2 lines, and she actually started talking tome but looked like someone else. I think that some people said that when she came out the 2nd time. She looked a lot shorter, too. Then, I said it, even though I hadn't "always been to school there." It was funny. Then, I remember we were in a room. I was adament toher, already. She closed a door kinda mad, seemed more like she was younger but still looke dkinda the same. I went through the other door because I wanted to follow her and it seemed like I should to ask if everything was okay. She addressed the issue and reclosed the door. There were other neat workers there around my age. I think something else happened, she said something else. Then, she came back to us, and there was a bleached blonde there, a little fatter than me witha smooth physique. I think she started singing something to her she made up then told her to kiss her. I think it seemed awkward. I did something, said something recited that made sense, from my notebook, that fit in, and when she smiled and people looked and she got closer I put the book in front of me and said maybe someday. The other girl wrote in her notebook, and it was weird. I did, and it wasn't. I think she was very pleasing to me. I said we need our own and we tore out that paper and I almost ran out of room.
It was "Friday" and I went to get my food, assuming it'd be pizza, which was buried under another piece of food, cheese. So, I saw biscuits with something good, roasted chicken elgs, greens, and I think potatos. I used to always dream of getting a McDonald's ice cream sundae at the college next door in this place, and sometimes I got it. I heaved and was gonna go somewhere like that. Instead, I stayed here.
I also remember telling Ellen DeGeneres, maybe in her self form, that I had so much trouble setting up my dorm and had to get help from the office, when it was pretty much set. She asked if I needed help, and I like gaped|opened my eyes big and said no.
So, it was interesting I felt pretty close to her. Also, there was a girl I knew in it, and she changed to one of my schools and someone noticed her. I usually feel overpowered by people, so I was attentive, though. I came in the room with Ellen DeGeneres and talked about her for some reason but decided not to mention 1 thing, her hair color. I explained how I used to be the opposite of her. I was more like Ellen DeGeneres in that way.
Tim Burton was approving of me, pretty close but not much contact. His daughter I watched twice and noticed the 2nd time she seemed more detailed and more like me.
Of course, my favorite thing was the mystery of Ellen DeGeneres.
I had 2 dreams before of like a news lady talking maybe or maybe that was another day or one of them.
I think some people are getting nasty thoughts about Ellen DeGeneres and the way that she relates to people. 8^. I mean, I am generally quite an accepting person, but like it's like they don't want her to appeal to a certain audience, if you know what I'm saying...
So, yes, I had in this dream Ellen DeGeneres taking special notice|care to me and that what I did was always right because for some reason I knew the ropes and pretty much knew what I was doing somewhat automatically though awkward.
Also, I got mad by myself this week, and now I notice that people are going around thinking certain things and it's bothering me. I wonder if they found out through my parents. They seem to do wrong things to me when I feel bad because it makes them feel bad.
So, yea, it was interesting, the different scenes in this dream and being with all the different people.
I know we went through this. I've been contemplating why people today some are so short and I guess some are so tall. Because I was so tired she gave me this inkling. She said because of it and something else, I think also being too tired for my dorm|college, that, since I guess I think about kid stuff sometimes and stuff somehow, not sure why I like to dream or somewhat along the lines of the feeling at least think of me, that she'd just pick me up and carry me. It didn't really seem to happen, but I think it did. Like I was a kid still. Which I am to her. It's hard to see it any other way. It was like she was going to do it with people and ended up paying more attention to me because everyone else wasn't paying attention|didn't really care. So, oh yea, like I think I said, she said because of that maybe we can set something up, like probing into the idea, of what she wanted to do and what I accepted and how I felt and what I really wanted in life. Like it would be how it would make sense technically and it's not just something that comes up for no reason in life. People who really live.
So, yea, it was a pretty nice dream. I was worried and uncomfortable.
Other things you might like to know are ... oh yea, I didn't really feel good myself in esteem about being picked up in this dream, probably because I've been mad lately alone and my parents don't like that ... so there was a net under my bed and for some reason I was thinking it was if you fell. It was to store stuff. I talked about propping my bed up a whole level so I could go under it, but it was sheltered by some things.
The funny thing is now I look like a boy and serious.
So, the girl I knew, we were looking in a yearbook from 12th grade and she just transfered. She was singing and dancing and looked more like me now. Well, she was mostly singing and maybe just moving a little, like tilting her head and stuff or moving it back and forth.
It makes me think, I keep having to think I'm so bad if I don't feel well and others don't, like with my dad and through my mom. It's been upsetting me. I can never right myself. I'm not a very bad person, so if I do something wrong it's not something I usually do.
Oh yes, I was also thinking of cuddling with someone and there was I think the idea that since the figure was Ellen DeGeneres in some reperesntation that she would and it was imagined she did and then instead she decided to pick me up like a kid since we were kids and I was tired. This didn't really happen in the flesh nor in much representation, just a passing idea. I guess what I think when things like this suddenly happen or the fact I'm interested, though myself usually don
t experience these things, that it's a nice thing to do and something in life you should do. I don't know which side of the family it could be from. It seems like something new.
I've been thinking, other people are bad and my dad, as well as mom, approve of it, like it's their right, like thinking of other girls. With me, though, they like stimulate me to feel pretty much "stupid" and bewildered and tacky and stuff and uncomfortable. Other people when I get mad they usually gape, but I don't know how mad I really feel nor if I get mad publicly. :/ I sure didn't get mad in this dream. I was all controled.
So, yes, I am always happy when I dream about someone as good as Ellen DeGeneres and how I am close to them. I remember one quirk of the dream this time was that like she trailed off mumbling that she felt the same thing as me so didn't need to touch it. Also, I had to go through thinking I wasn't compatible to her because her mom's last name might be Jewish. I think that's kinda mean, but I guess it's a tool.
So, yes, there was this, like, rapport, weaving in and out. It was fun with all the kids in my class and other people who came in it. I saw my mom, too, and I wore heals and was like a giant to her. I was with another girl. I think I was going with my roommate or something and my mom was helping me get my things for the summer. :0 Like, all the girls in that room were going with her. The other girls were really nice. My area mate was tall with a long nose, kinda gray looking and a little lumpy and lanky, obviously with like shoulderblade length straight smooth silvery hair. The dorm area changed from when Tim Burton was there. There were more other sweet girls after that, though more modern, normal looking ones, like with the triangle faces sorta flat over but a little fat, with various shades of bleached probably in the shadows and even silver, straight hair, very squinted eyes, but still Caucasian with like wrinkles around them. They moved kinda fast and in some light disjointed.
It's funny, I don't feel like going out today and not like eating and maybe too tired to take a shower, though I've been sleeping awhile. It feels like I'm gonna lie down and sleep again, hopefully wake up late.
I suppose there was a feeling of satisfaction, though a bit in this case odd..., that this person cared about me and wanted to pick me up, however odd in real life that is with most people or how it doesn't really come up with those people. Like, you know, you have a feeling you care about someone. Care overflowed me when I saw the little girl at the beginning. She said that's good and she knows her. I asked, "You know Ellen?" like all kinda vibrant and sweet and affirmative, somehow. It was so funny, everyone else didn't care that she was like offering|doing this. It was funny though that girl it was so awkward the way that she wasn't supposed to do this, unsure why, perhaps in this way, and she actually, very good, let out that she wanted to be kissed. I went through a tumultuous feeling phantasmagoria, as well, myself. I guess she doesn't do that or something. So, everyone else was anticipating. They watched over us writing, too, and she left but leaving me with a feeling of closure and over-approval of what I was writing. It's funny, we wrote with our hands, but it came out as small type.
So, it was funny, when this happened, the flood went down and it was kinda like a beach. I guess there was like a wall there, too. I think a white wall. I was behind there when she came and got me or I went there. Well, you know, it didn't actually happen.
So, yes, the rapport was nice, think I've been through and through with it. I guess I can still go back and develop my thoughts over it, remember more details.
So, nice dream. A bit uncomfortable but smooth in action. I think I should have gone to the bathroom, yes have been going often enough, so maybe it was just doable and I woke up again and ended up going but had gone just before this dream. I think this was my 3rd dream.
A car drove by, too, and I thought of the word "beer" and like it would go or did but didn't up a female part, so I had to do what I always do and not feel that, and it as hard and very annoying and took awhile, maybe until I fell asleep. It's getting better, what I think of cars driving by.
So, I accomplished a lot in this dream, today, pretty exciting, nice people, lit up.
So, yes, it's nice to care about others and to be appreciated for your true feelings. I think the dream was centered around me yet not attentive. Still, it's more than I could hope for, as usual, like these dreams. I like the ones, which includes most these days, which are morbid yet with a light on. I think it's about how people are in real life and how you deal with it and live your life. People need to open up. They probably are open to the same things I am. It is funny, I guess, it was one adult and a bunch of kids. Mostly. There was a parent there, when I saw the person as short and the parent was short and kinda stout and so was the other person. Also, the person I was talking to had such reddish, as in pink burn, shiny, thick sorta folded over, skin and a little bandaid covering a booboo or pimple, some sort of wound or cut with blood it seemed. She said it was hard for her to talk and like touched it. I had seen it like sorta let off on the side, that it was a cut, but must have been like a blackhead. I have a lot of those, grayheads I guess, which go away with showers and get covered up with makeup. So, that was weird, didn't like that. That's when she really addressed and connected to me. I spoke and probably came up a little and she totally came over by me. This was sorta in the middle.
So, yes, it was exciting, the flood and all, the big blue greenish water going over our heads and the feeling of being underwater not breathing. We were altogether and I was so imagining a scuba helmet, and then we all had one. I was holding my breath. There was one part where I was cupping my hand over my mouth on the side of a cave as water was rushing in, gooey wet cool water. Not gooey as in disjointed! :0
Why do my hands look so affected? Hm. :/
Being covered in water was the best part.
Tweet @TheEllenShow
Hey, my mom is like you. I saw a video of you. She's a little different. She was very fair for her heritage, fair as can be. When she was a toddler, not exactly like you, she had a very big round head with fluffy slightly curly hair. I remember this picture of her holding a doll and saw the video of you with the doll. Then, she got that very skinny sorta molded out like a Barbie look, well maybe a bit different. You know, most kids look like that, today. Then, she got straight hair, too. I guess she grew up to share similarities to you, as well.
Thoughts
So, I was upset how I was being picked at for the "n" word thing. I'm not sure why I have to take it in stride, but I mean I would sometimes to be nice. It just seems that people have twisted the meanings and pretty much been mean to me. It was't even me that decided I wanted to do it. The other person seemed like they wanted me to do it, and their parents seemed to ask me to do it figuratively. So, it's like beating a dead horse, in that way. It seemed important, though, and was a big deal. Like, maybe they would practice torture if I did not submit, but I honestly don't think that would be a danger. You could always defend yourself and not get in habits of being too perfect. :| I've already been through how sorry I was.
I'm suffering some stress in part of my female parts, though, and I'm not sure why. I didn't feel this before this happened. 8|
I'm suffering some stress in part of my female parts, though, and I'm not sure why. I didn't feel this before this happened. 8|
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