Also, I experienced so much pain going back to New Orleans, like whenever a physical worker, like of a truck or construction was around. Often, they would slam the back of the truck on to the floor! It hurt so much, but not in like a perverted way like I feel in Orlando. :( Which I don't feel anymore much. :|
I cannot begin to describe the grief that must have existed between different persons. I did like one of my teachers, and I think he liked me and e-mailed me about an essay I couldn't submit. I feel so weird! I am so thankful! Philosophy is so easy! This teacher had black hair and was I think like 30, and I was 20. He seemed so much bigger and older. He was from Saint Louis. He has a crew cut now, I think. It was funny, he went to a play. He sat across the aisle from me, next to a fat lady. The religion teacher, who was so tall and thin, whitish gray beard, also went, and in some ways I felt his presence more. I went to I think 2 Jewish meetings with him for extra credit. They have an organ. The people there I know there was a neat lady, like with bouncy light brown straight hair. I didn't understand most any of what was going on, but I remember "You Catholics never ..." like take enough of a break. Like or we're always busy. I think they don't work on Sunday or something, not sure about Saturday. I went through thoughts of conversion and to this day hold to ... well, my dream to not only not be religious becaue of my declined health but to become Muslim or something. I think I even walked to a Jewish place in New Orleans to take gymanstics but was too old anyway. There was a movie in New Orleans I decided to walk to. I heard MI:III playing and thought it was an organ. From outside. So loud. I left after the theme. So, yea.
So, it was very rough. It was very depressing leaving music. I liked the classes. I got them all as I think Medical Withdrawals, though, even ballet where I did the recital.
So, yea, I hope things go well now. Hopefully, I won't be pushed to get into things I don't need to get into. I guess I pay the money back someday. I am too sick to go and work. I can't sit there and do the same thing over and over. I'd fall apart. I had a job before. I did school uniforms one summer. I just felt like fat and tired and ugly. I feel and felt pushed to work, but I feel pushed by my dad not to go to school. I am uncomfortable around people, too. I've nagged my dad about getting some physical man job. I don't know if I could do that now. :S My mom wants me to volunteer, so I may. I lost the paper to the museum, so maybe I'll look for it or ask for another. So, yes, right now I feel like really tired, and it seems I sleep like up to 12 hours a night and even more, like all day. So, that's fine with my dad, but my mom works, too. She's fine but keeps pushing me to do things outside of the house. That's where we stand. I just wanted to be an actor! It would be fun to work, but I don't think I'd really like it, one job for a long time, like, I mean. Also, I just can't imagine standing up like that. It's like I can't stand to survive, unless I'm online or watching something I like on TV, "The Ellen DeGeneres Show." Also, I go to the movies. It's been that way since the magic died down, like I failed! It died down after awhile in Orlando. I wanted to go to school, too, and do well, and I think . well in Orlando the magic happened when I was between semesters home not feeling well. However, I couldn't stand the noise my mom made, like I just woke up to it. She is Chinese-Indonesian. She seems different now. I think the fan kept the noise out in the 2nd apartment. My mom said the dog wouldn't like the construction in the old apartment. She said he'd go crazy. I thought it'd be okay with me. I don't know why.
Oh yes, I remember imagining the world was like in space and stuff and watching movies and relating them to magic.
So, anyway, I wish I could work and pay back stuff and like support myself more but like being with my parents. Also, it makes it easier to live with more people. They might want time alone. I thought of that. I guess my brother got more time.
I'm getting a bit tired of typing. Must stop.
Monday, September 24, 2012
Imperfect
So, I thought my life was an experiment, so, no I didn't feel as guilty as I would. I was made to think that nothing mattered and it was all fake. So, who would get mad? My intent was actually thinking in my mind to do well in school. So, I went to Washington, D.C., and I was just too elated but mainly had troubles walking to get food. I was so tired thinking my life was an experiment. So, I ran out of fuel there, pretty much. It was pretty painful. The teacher asked me more than once if I knew where I was getting lunch - wait, if - and I said no. But I did! I dunno. Anyway, I had to walk to the nearest place, which was the bottom floor of the church. Or, I ate at teh cafe sometimes..
Okay, so, then I went up north during the hurricane. I was gonna do fine in New Orleans. They had taken me out of my major, though, and voice. Not sure why I bothered returning not in voice and also not in Music Education. Up north, I found because of past education I could not concentrate and read at all there, though in New Orleans the reading, though I spent too much time on it, was very easy. There was so much tiny text up there! However, I was well-accepted, very much, as a person, and like in Harmony privately told like how I was like talented or something. I also did Theory, Conducting, Diction, Organ, and Voice. Fortunately for me, the organ teacher wasn't always there. I had trouble in voice because of my depleting health from the experiment. They told me to quit something but didn't seem like to point at History. So, some things happene dto me physically and I ended up well already believing I was in like an existence where everything was Heaven and more complex than you could imagine, in the form of like intelligence and controlling things through the air and creating environments. I experienced magical things I've gone into and may touch on later. I was determined I had to do something to get into Heaven or I would risk ceasing to exist. I tried to do school. Oh yes, I was also in Choir. So, if it weren't for History and maybe the connecting the Theory, I'd be okay. I did come in late after the hurricane. I don't know, I just had it and didn't know what to do. I knew I would fail the History test and something happened to me physically. I couldn't get out of bed for 3 days and couldn't reach either phone. I couldn't pee, neither. I had to go kinda badly at the start. It was a weird feeling. I guess that was irresponsible to not go back to class. I don't know how magical that was. I don't know what I thought. The magic had worn off by then. Maybe, I was depressed about History. Why would life suddenly be real again? I'm already convinced there is a solution for us all if only we accept all ways of being. It seems if I did that and my life were perfecter, it would have worked and I would be happy. My mom wanted me to go back. It was free.
Okay, so, I guess I should now touch on New Orleans. I couldn't concentrate because of the construction workers and was too disgruntled to think of withdrawing and was attending ballet. So, I switched dorms for an extra hurricane make-up semester. I was in pain and thought I heard noises all the time and screamed and got sent to the police. I've never been in that much pain in my life, well maybe. Then, the fall, I did come home. In the fall, I tried picking a major, again. Wait, I had to.
So, about up north, I dunno. I guess I should have gone home earlier. I think I had enough, but the funny thing was the environment was so dreamy and like symbolic, but things weren't perfect, in a way. I'd never been up north in that area and never that long, and it was quite an experience and to think everything was really magic after thinking my life was an experiment. I didn't really get why my life was an experiment. I was made to feel obligated, not only to write, but to check all the license plates, which wasn't supposed to get in the way but did, and to like read all the people, what they all wore and stuff eventually. Wait, I did that in the summer, too, all the tourists in Key West. Somehow, it made sense, or was it really that many people? It didn't really make sense, but I figured out what it was technically. Ugh! It wasn't supposed to wear me out, but cars galore! Esp. when I was up north. It was so magical there. I walked around town for exercise all night, and the teachers saw me they said. They seemed to approve of it a lot, really. Like, I would walk from 9PM|12AM-daybreak. I remember also nights waking up in the bitter cold grabbing a snack from the machine somehow and making it to all the classes.
If it really interests you, I heard and still hear things like they're there but they're not there. So, up north, I dunno, there were sounds that I don't think could be broadcasted like that. I had visions in my head, but I couldn't see them well. I had lots of visions. My obsessions were not about picking people up but fucking them, moms to baby girls. People were all glittery. I didn't do that in class. I was hoping it wasn't getting in the way. It wasn't constant. I also imagined the way people were and stuff, judging them moreso I mean, dunno. They didn't turn into characters, I think. I even saw this very complex mechanical bug, rather large, sitting on the floor of the laundry room. It disappeared, though, into a tile. I was so mad. I am pretty sure I saw a real bug bounce a few times across the piano. I imagined like people vaccuuming were people I knew in real life playing people who supposedly existed from the experiment! So, some of it was weird. It was so fun going to the place to eat healthy stuff. I just feel a bit knocked out to remember ... oh yes, I was calculating relationships between families from the experiment and somehow it calculated in. This is when I walked around at night alone when like not many people were around that area. I know there was a pizza place opened all night. So, if I quit History, I think I could have made it, though. I walked around for my health, and it became necessary in New Orleans, where there wasn't as many places to walk. I wish I had a handle on all the things I learned even more. I saw things like body shapes and stuff. I felt the idea of the snow and being very very white racially. The cold was like the coldest cold you could stand. I left in November, no snow. Too bad I don't have the picture of me on Halloween when I used my red hoodie as Little Red Riding Hood. So, it was an improvement of the experiment. I did not like the experiment. 8| I'm convinced that this is all a dream. I mean, I know it matters and it's real...of course? I came back down south to live life like I knew it, like I was a real, physical, biological person. I mean, I was a physical person up north.
Ah, yes, must add more. I felt a feeling of more pain than I could ever stand but not in a physical like clinical way. I was walking. I just couldn't stand it, the thought of a mother being tortured. I was like swerving as I was walking. I thought of things like that. I dunno. I have drawings still. Middle Easterns were a figure in my experiment. Middle Easterners, as I remember to say aloud. At first, I felt better in some ways. Then, I began to feel more worn or like not really but like also removed, in a good way. I might have gotten better at some things in shcool. Also, my roommate left. Oh yes, sometimes I would lie in bed and could not move, and I had my arms crossed over me. My hands hurt so much like drying up! I mean the bones, though. Ouch! It felt better after, like I was alive. Also, once one arm was glued over my eyes, and the other forearm, the right one, started to grow a foot and back. It hurt so much, I think when it grew back. Oooooooooow! Another one of the worst things I've felt. There was blood under both armpits, and the right one it lasted for a week. There was no pain there, though. So, when I was in bed for 3 days, my back turned into jelly. I had to whoops be careful for my head so my neck wouldn't snap, but, you know, I totally had a feel for what I was doing. It was very easy, kinda funny. I smiled and like laughing. So, I knew I'd get better. Dunno why. Then for 3 days I was there, smelly, like death, in a comical way. I imagined, and this lasted for at least more than a week, that there were 3 devils that belonged to me, for some reason, it came. One on my right was Tom, I think, a hairy one with breasts and a male part. Then, there was a red devil in a mist at my feet, a big muscular one, evil, though it turned out just comedical but sorrowful, you know like it was a joke. It would suck in there, and it felt so good, not as in I felt a whole lot but something weird. Then, on my left, by the wall, a character I heard as I walked around actually, was this typical figure, like a cartoon, a black devil with a big head and like crossed eyes with blue whites and little black balls. A thin body. I remember once it said, "I'll save you from falling down, Christina. I'll save you from falling up." I couldn't get over it and felt insulted. It seemed to go with me some places, and I was mad when it left when I was with ... "What sociologist?" It was like my best buddy, so close. I identified with it. Also, in the other room, I thought I clearly heard a TV of a devil sucking I think my breasts. I got very supple, milky looking breasts. I even have a picture. It said, like more is that all you got and had this cartoonish such entertaining, soothing sucking. I think I heard Hitler arguing with Jesus, to enough extent.
I felt a lot of things, though, from this particular experience. I do have the feeling no one can kill me, that it won't happen or that something would happen that I could come back or exist in my ideal world.
So, I had all these physical pleasures, though I also was irritated a lot. I often imagined like the whole world was this complex thing of Johnny Depp as Willy Wonka, like the sound of something in the room, reminding me of a chain lifting. I felt one time like a magical pool, thought I heard a man say, "Did you see the pool?" That was the "best" feeling but not my favorite and so maybe not really the best... The best feeling I guess was being blown through. Supposedly, it was to make me fly to heaven and I felt like I was floating. I did this a lot of times. I can't do it here.
When I came home, we had moved, and I always thought I was with these magical creatures and that people existed who were all these characters. I guess it was neat that I imagined I was like in this huge apartment complex and people were blowing out candles for their Orlando birthday. Like one candle I think per person. Like, when you first move there, that's how you feel, supposedly. I seem to think that not everyone experienced this as believing it as magic. I remember that like there was a water dog and some other things. I was assigned to one of three things I think, and 2 were under water. I used to jog around the lake. This dyed away.
So, in conclusion, I regret it all, but I think the magical part came itself. I'm glad to have gotten out of the experiment. I would go around in children's dresses with overcoats that came with them and even work out in them and in my outing shoes. I think I failed because a bus never came and I was going to get more clothes because it was too cold. They even gave me supplies, a blanket, a sweater, and some other things, a CD from the College of Music I attended. I remember shopping in Orlando for the clothes. When I got to Orlando, I suppose the nature of the experiment solidified. In the experiment, I went through thoughts of being the youngest with gold hair. I think this was when I went to Orlando. In the New Orleans area ... well in college it was about love ... then when I went home in the area, it was about real people. Then, there were other people. I went up north and those people dissolved into other things, other people. Well, I guess not all, and some became more prominent taht weren't even prominent in my life. The people from before took a back seat. It was more about peers and creating families which included having relatives. So, I was constantly thinking about hair color and eye color and skin tone being like cream and stuff like that. I think mine was gold but with a pale face. I mean, my palms and the bottom of my feet are like coral pink. They used to really look coral, I know my feet, before the "n" word thing. It was a pretty strong thing. I'm pretty mad about it. I mean, I didn't do anything. I was like signaled to do it and already thought my life was an experiment. What do you think this means to me? Now, I don't have these hues! I've had them for awhile! I'm like dead, now, for some reason, after the New Orleans experience and not being able to stand the noise at home. It was my mom, though she's nice to me now. My brother did it, too. My dad became racist to me in the end. I barely think of myself. I think it's because of where I live. So, that's that. There was a reason. I was like in check with how I felt at shcool, always a reason. Also, when I looked at a page nubmer, it wasn't there. So, I guess I lost track of things, was disappointed things changed and it wasn't really an experiment but like a living hell where things seemed to have higher intelligence. I remember up north I had the feeling I was just born, too. It was after tumbling out of bed a few times, I think. Orlando is amazing, too, though, but I feel sorry for the people in ways and hope they get out their frustrations and learn how to live to improve their health eventually, find a way, before they kill me. 8^. So, it was weird. I think the ballet kept me there. There was a recital first semester, and I did 2 ballet programs, the day one and the night one. A lot of really good people left, though, after hte hurricane. So, I don' tknow if I could leave. The last semester, I got out of walking a few miles to be a miad in "The Nutcracker." The maid #1, which I was 2, was in a role with the Butler, who was in the company, and I think had a solo and something else maybe. So, I was just in so much pain the 2nd semster of this trial period in New Orleans and was like crawling to the offices, too, begging to get back into my major, Music Education with Voice lessons on the side, though I got in as Piano and Organ, failed the first audition with Voie and retried with Piano and did a separate Organ audition since it wasn't big. Ugh! It was a good experience, though, not sure which semester was more exciting now. I really tried, but like nothing was there that I studied in religion. History was hard, but it was an interesting class to sit through. I don't think I can sit through anymore classes, and I'm not really sure why. I feel too bothered by everyone around me. I can't work, neither. I'm not healthy enough, yet! 8^. I would prefer to go to college or maybe I mean eventually want to be a movie actor. I feel sorta worn down as a normal person. I just started getting healthier! People don't get that I deserve to accept that I'm worn out, now feel like kinda like dying in some way but not like physically so, not sure there, after the guilt trip for college, which seemed to be a telepathic onset, I didn't feel good, after the 3 days in bed missing the History test, really. 8^.
So, I wish that I took less classes up north or tired to be a movie actor before it was too late! I felt likeI could live forever until thsi happened, andit's because I was made to feel guilty. I know the magic wore away, though, after the 3 days in bed, as though I failed to make it. I got fat when I decided to eat chocolate one or two days, actually. 8^. I never got back on track. I got even fatter in New Orleans from ballet and no gym. Oh well.
So, it wasn't worth it, in this way. Music was good. They did have film and said you could use it to act. (IT was probably like film history and the various other things, like some directing courses etc.) I was looking at Musical Theater, when my mom came up to get me, we watched a cute show, with some cute moving. '8^) You know, though, I'm really tired writing all this.
I must also add, now, that I went around New Orleans in pain all the time, I think the 2nd semester. I would hear things in my ear, like people clicking. No, wait, also the 1st semseter. Like, hateful clicking. I had the feeling it would stop if I went home. However, I also heard things that were like not from any sound source, just there. How about this...
Work ... Out
Work ... Now
In Slim, in Slim
Open Up ... Open Up
Over and Over! It was very annoying, but then I missed it. I was just mad that this was all happening because it was unfair to me. Why would I go home and do absolutely nothing now?
I saw things, too, like a bird carrying a sack of a person whose eyes were googling out, supposed to be someone or 2 people I knew. It was so annoying, I couldn't stand this!
I was able to treat myself to some pizza delivered and out. Not enough food! I gave up money up north to buy toys, but my mom took them in the apartment storage and I never saw them again. Up there, I got smoothies, too, and wraps.
Really, though, in my ear! It sounded unearthly, too...
For awhile, in Orlando, I felt things, too. I couldn't move nor escape my predicament and felt like little miners coming and ticking at me, literally, almost could see this happening, a huge nightmare. I also dreamed up or saw rather like a skinny head with a square body, which I saw in a movie, except in the form of a cowboy, with a jittering cigarette. And a jittering gun. This was so big. We kept imagining all these characters. There were different worlds. One was the Halloween world. Well, spooky world, witches and magic and stuff, well not magical magical. Then there's Disney, the like stage performances and bally people. Then, there's 2 western places, one with the like short sexy lady and then the one with the yippee yo kay a very jumpy and overly present people. I think in that world the kids would tackle stuff. I think the adults had like a gun that didn't really kill them or possibly a lasso. I think in the other west, the people had these machines. They were like getting in trouble or someting for talking to me. I think I remember the girls in it were kinda like maybe had like raggedy anne looks with bangs and stuff. 8^. I'm feeling kinda weird. So, also, after this died down, I felt swirling in my stomach. It died down eventually, AS I got on line. I knwo I experienced a lot of pain from people. I remember thinking seeing "Greece?" "Hercules" was realistic or something. I was entertained much by the ducks, thinking they were people from the first experiment and characters invented - oh my gosh - I forgot about that! There were 2 people from the New Orleans area, my 3rd high school. Always going around was the idea of like what are you made of. Like, you have a bottom and a top basically, an outside and an inside. You are made of pee, milk, or blackness of nothing. I became ... milk on the outside and black on the inside and still am to this day. It's quite established in me. Supposedly, like, I know, in Disney I think it was something like the adults and kids each had reverse one side was pee and the other was milk. It was about the relationship of picking them up. The same went for the Western places. :| So, I remember there were some people in my dream otherwise, too, remember a guy with like black maybe Hercules hair drinking down like hot pepper or hot sauce. It was so gross. And it made these makes of people sick, you might call them, like, though, they were individuals, too. There was the idea that some were evil, like these very thin, skinny girls, but then they were good. I was in pain this whole time from being fat. It was my second time bloating. I'm still bloated to this day, hoping to get down finally. It's quite painful to be this bloated, anyone'd say, though I'm not really fat. It's just, I've accumulated fat so many times since quitting gymnastics at age 9. IT did thin me out and make me look less Chinese and more European I guess. It was so painful to gain fat. I grew upo tinking I had to always exercise and that I didn't enough because of transportation, money, and programs.
I remember, now, there was also this thing where there was this creature a black bug with lots of red eyes, and I experienced it being turned around in pain and being tortured all the time. I even felt it in New Orleans. I had problems with that up there at first.
Well, that about covers it. Might I add I saw Bolero on TV with this like goo moving along of coke and then this ape with fire and then marching along in progress. It was so annoying (but I liked it) ... I liked it a lot and miss it and tried to find it I think ... so long, this coke crawling along, maybe dripping out of its bottle. It was so funny then you se an ape get fire. Then, there were all these otehr things.
Well, I just wish that things went better, that I took less classes, and that I knew when I should come home. Mabye ge ta degree? Too alte to do that on time. May as well give up. Or I could try to finish it at home, but dorm is better than trasnportioatn, and I wanted to be at home. I would not have even gone to college, I thought, but maybe it was better to get on my feet. I got the 2nd highest scholarship and would be allwoed free up north. My mom was so mad I didn't go back... I could ahve done voice. I wanted New Olreans and I guess maybe mainly eys the ballet. New Orelans is nice, but I'm used to it. I mean, I coulnd't have done voice.
I'll have to work on figuring out waht to do, but I feel too old to enjoy college and want to be a movie actor. For money, I guess I'll have to pay back when I am not sick. True, I am sitting here watching "The Ellen DeGeneres Show," but I'd otherwise be posting online until I feel nursed back to health. Things have come up, but I hope things get better.
Okay, so, then I went up north during the hurricane. I was gonna do fine in New Orleans. They had taken me out of my major, though, and voice. Not sure why I bothered returning not in voice and also not in Music Education. Up north, I found because of past education I could not concentrate and read at all there, though in New Orleans the reading, though I spent too much time on it, was very easy. There was so much tiny text up there! However, I was well-accepted, very much, as a person, and like in Harmony privately told like how I was like talented or something. I also did Theory, Conducting, Diction, Organ, and Voice. Fortunately for me, the organ teacher wasn't always there. I had trouble in voice because of my depleting health from the experiment. They told me to quit something but didn't seem like to point at History. So, some things happene dto me physically and I ended up well already believing I was in like an existence where everything was Heaven and more complex than you could imagine, in the form of like intelligence and controlling things through the air and creating environments. I experienced magical things I've gone into and may touch on later. I was determined I had to do something to get into Heaven or I would risk ceasing to exist. I tried to do school. Oh yes, I was also in Choir. So, if it weren't for History and maybe the connecting the Theory, I'd be okay. I did come in late after the hurricane. I don't know, I just had it and didn't know what to do. I knew I would fail the History test and something happened to me physically. I couldn't get out of bed for 3 days and couldn't reach either phone. I couldn't pee, neither. I had to go kinda badly at the start. It was a weird feeling. I guess that was irresponsible to not go back to class. I don't know how magical that was. I don't know what I thought. The magic had worn off by then. Maybe, I was depressed about History. Why would life suddenly be real again? I'm already convinced there is a solution for us all if only we accept all ways of being. It seems if I did that and my life were perfecter, it would have worked and I would be happy. My mom wanted me to go back. It was free.
Okay, so, I guess I should now touch on New Orleans. I couldn't concentrate because of the construction workers and was too disgruntled to think of withdrawing and was attending ballet. So, I switched dorms for an extra hurricane make-up semester. I was in pain and thought I heard noises all the time and screamed and got sent to the police. I've never been in that much pain in my life, well maybe. Then, the fall, I did come home. In the fall, I tried picking a major, again. Wait, I had to.
So, about up north, I dunno. I guess I should have gone home earlier. I think I had enough, but the funny thing was the environment was so dreamy and like symbolic, but things weren't perfect, in a way. I'd never been up north in that area and never that long, and it was quite an experience and to think everything was really magic after thinking my life was an experiment. I didn't really get why my life was an experiment. I was made to feel obligated, not only to write, but to check all the license plates, which wasn't supposed to get in the way but did, and to like read all the people, what they all wore and stuff eventually. Wait, I did that in the summer, too, all the tourists in Key West. Somehow, it made sense, or was it really that many people? It didn't really make sense, but I figured out what it was technically. Ugh! It wasn't supposed to wear me out, but cars galore! Esp. when I was up north. It was so magical there. I walked around town for exercise all night, and the teachers saw me they said. They seemed to approve of it a lot, really. Like, I would walk from 9PM|12AM-daybreak. I remember also nights waking up in the bitter cold grabbing a snack from the machine somehow and making it to all the classes.
If it really interests you, I heard and still hear things like they're there but they're not there. So, up north, I dunno, there were sounds that I don't think could be broadcasted like that. I had visions in my head, but I couldn't see them well. I had lots of visions. My obsessions were not about picking people up but fucking them, moms to baby girls. People were all glittery. I didn't do that in class. I was hoping it wasn't getting in the way. It wasn't constant. I also imagined the way people were and stuff, judging them moreso I mean, dunno. They didn't turn into characters, I think. I even saw this very complex mechanical bug, rather large, sitting on the floor of the laundry room. It disappeared, though, into a tile. I was so mad. I am pretty sure I saw a real bug bounce a few times across the piano. I imagined like people vaccuuming were people I knew in real life playing people who supposedly existed from the experiment! So, some of it was weird. It was so fun going to the place to eat healthy stuff. I just feel a bit knocked out to remember ... oh yes, I was calculating relationships between families from the experiment and somehow it calculated in. This is when I walked around at night alone when like not many people were around that area. I know there was a pizza place opened all night. So, if I quit History, I think I could have made it, though. I walked around for my health, and it became necessary in New Orleans, where there wasn't as many places to walk. I wish I had a handle on all the things I learned even more. I saw things like body shapes and stuff. I felt the idea of the snow and being very very white racially. The cold was like the coldest cold you could stand. I left in November, no snow. Too bad I don't have the picture of me on Halloween when I used my red hoodie as Little Red Riding Hood. So, it was an improvement of the experiment. I did not like the experiment. 8| I'm convinced that this is all a dream. I mean, I know it matters and it's real...of course? I came back down south to live life like I knew it, like I was a real, physical, biological person. I mean, I was a physical person up north.
Ah, yes, must add more. I felt a feeling of more pain than I could ever stand but not in a physical like clinical way. I was walking. I just couldn't stand it, the thought of a mother being tortured. I was like swerving as I was walking. I thought of things like that. I dunno. I have drawings still. Middle Easterns were a figure in my experiment. Middle Easterners, as I remember to say aloud. At first, I felt better in some ways. Then, I began to feel more worn or like not really but like also removed, in a good way. I might have gotten better at some things in shcool. Also, my roommate left. Oh yes, sometimes I would lie in bed and could not move, and I had my arms crossed over me. My hands hurt so much like drying up! I mean the bones, though. Ouch! It felt better after, like I was alive. Also, once one arm was glued over my eyes, and the other forearm, the right one, started to grow a foot and back. It hurt so much, I think when it grew back. Oooooooooow! Another one of the worst things I've felt. There was blood under both armpits, and the right one it lasted for a week. There was no pain there, though. So, when I was in bed for 3 days, my back turned into jelly. I had to whoops be careful for my head so my neck wouldn't snap, but, you know, I totally had a feel for what I was doing. It was very easy, kinda funny. I smiled and like laughing. So, I knew I'd get better. Dunno why. Then for 3 days I was there, smelly, like death, in a comical way. I imagined, and this lasted for at least more than a week, that there were 3 devils that belonged to me, for some reason, it came. One on my right was Tom, I think, a hairy one with breasts and a male part. Then, there was a red devil in a mist at my feet, a big muscular one, evil, though it turned out just comedical but sorrowful, you know like it was a joke. It would suck in there, and it felt so good, not as in I felt a whole lot but something weird. Then, on my left, by the wall, a character I heard as I walked around actually, was this typical figure, like a cartoon, a black devil with a big head and like crossed eyes with blue whites and little black balls. A thin body. I remember once it said, "I'll save you from falling down, Christina. I'll save you from falling up." I couldn't get over it and felt insulted. It seemed to go with me some places, and I was mad when it left when I was with ... "What sociologist?" It was like my best buddy, so close. I identified with it. Also, in the other room, I thought I clearly heard a TV of a devil sucking I think my breasts. I got very supple, milky looking breasts. I even have a picture. It said, like more is that all you got and had this cartoonish such entertaining, soothing sucking. I think I heard Hitler arguing with Jesus, to enough extent.
I felt a lot of things, though, from this particular experience. I do have the feeling no one can kill me, that it won't happen or that something would happen that I could come back or exist in my ideal world.
So, I had all these physical pleasures, though I also was irritated a lot. I often imagined like the whole world was this complex thing of Johnny Depp as Willy Wonka, like the sound of something in the room, reminding me of a chain lifting. I felt one time like a magical pool, thought I heard a man say, "Did you see the pool?" That was the "best" feeling but not my favorite and so maybe not really the best... The best feeling I guess was being blown through. Supposedly, it was to make me fly to heaven and I felt like I was floating. I did this a lot of times. I can't do it here.
When I came home, we had moved, and I always thought I was with these magical creatures and that people existed who were all these characters. I guess it was neat that I imagined I was like in this huge apartment complex and people were blowing out candles for their Orlando birthday. Like one candle I think per person. Like, when you first move there, that's how you feel, supposedly. I seem to think that not everyone experienced this as believing it as magic. I remember that like there was a water dog and some other things. I was assigned to one of three things I think, and 2 were under water. I used to jog around the lake. This dyed away.
So, in conclusion, I regret it all, but I think the magical part came itself. I'm glad to have gotten out of the experiment. I would go around in children's dresses with overcoats that came with them and even work out in them and in my outing shoes. I think I failed because a bus never came and I was going to get more clothes because it was too cold. They even gave me supplies, a blanket, a sweater, and some other things, a CD from the College of Music I attended. I remember shopping in Orlando for the clothes. When I got to Orlando, I suppose the nature of the experiment solidified. In the experiment, I went through thoughts of being the youngest with gold hair. I think this was when I went to Orlando. In the New Orleans area ... well in college it was about love ... then when I went home in the area, it was about real people. Then, there were other people. I went up north and those people dissolved into other things, other people. Well, I guess not all, and some became more prominent taht weren't even prominent in my life. The people from before took a back seat. It was more about peers and creating families which included having relatives. So, I was constantly thinking about hair color and eye color and skin tone being like cream and stuff like that. I think mine was gold but with a pale face. I mean, my palms and the bottom of my feet are like coral pink. They used to really look coral, I know my feet, before the "n" word thing. It was a pretty strong thing. I'm pretty mad about it. I mean, I didn't do anything. I was like signaled to do it and already thought my life was an experiment. What do you think this means to me? Now, I don't have these hues! I've had them for awhile! I'm like dead, now, for some reason, after the New Orleans experience and not being able to stand the noise at home. It was my mom, though she's nice to me now. My brother did it, too. My dad became racist to me in the end. I barely think of myself. I think it's because of where I live. So, that's that. There was a reason. I was like in check with how I felt at shcool, always a reason. Also, when I looked at a page nubmer, it wasn't there. So, I guess I lost track of things, was disappointed things changed and it wasn't really an experiment but like a living hell where things seemed to have higher intelligence. I remember up north I had the feeling I was just born, too. It was after tumbling out of bed a few times, I think. Orlando is amazing, too, though, but I feel sorry for the people in ways and hope they get out their frustrations and learn how to live to improve their health eventually, find a way, before they kill me. 8^. So, it was weird. I think the ballet kept me there. There was a recital first semester, and I did 2 ballet programs, the day one and the night one. A lot of really good people left, though, after hte hurricane. So, I don' tknow if I could leave. The last semester, I got out of walking a few miles to be a miad in "The Nutcracker." The maid #1, which I was 2, was in a role with the Butler, who was in the company, and I think had a solo and something else maybe. So, I was just in so much pain the 2nd semster of this trial period in New Orleans and was like crawling to the offices, too, begging to get back into my major, Music Education with Voice lessons on the side, though I got in as Piano and Organ, failed the first audition with Voie and retried with Piano and did a separate Organ audition since it wasn't big. Ugh! It was a good experience, though, not sure which semester was more exciting now. I really tried, but like nothing was there that I studied in religion. History was hard, but it was an interesting class to sit through. I don't think I can sit through anymore classes, and I'm not really sure why. I feel too bothered by everyone around me. I can't work, neither. I'm not healthy enough, yet! 8^. I would prefer to go to college or maybe I mean eventually want to be a movie actor. I feel sorta worn down as a normal person. I just started getting healthier! People don't get that I deserve to accept that I'm worn out, now feel like kinda like dying in some way but not like physically so, not sure there, after the guilt trip for college, which seemed to be a telepathic onset, I didn't feel good, after the 3 days in bed missing the History test, really. 8^.
So, I wish that I took less classes up north or tired to be a movie actor before it was too late! I felt likeI could live forever until thsi happened, andit's because I was made to feel guilty. I know the magic wore away, though, after the 3 days in bed, as though I failed to make it. I got fat when I decided to eat chocolate one or two days, actually. 8^. I never got back on track. I got even fatter in New Orleans from ballet and no gym. Oh well.
So, it wasn't worth it, in this way. Music was good. They did have film and said you could use it to act. (IT was probably like film history and the various other things, like some directing courses etc.) I was looking at Musical Theater, when my mom came up to get me, we watched a cute show, with some cute moving. '8^) You know, though, I'm really tired writing all this.
I must also add, now, that I went around New Orleans in pain all the time, I think the 2nd semester. I would hear things in my ear, like people clicking. No, wait, also the 1st semseter. Like, hateful clicking. I had the feeling it would stop if I went home. However, I also heard things that were like not from any sound source, just there. How about this...
Work ... Out
Work ... Now
In Slim, in Slim
Open Up ... Open Up
Over and Over! It was very annoying, but then I missed it. I was just mad that this was all happening because it was unfair to me. Why would I go home and do absolutely nothing now?
I saw things, too, like a bird carrying a sack of a person whose eyes were googling out, supposed to be someone or 2 people I knew. It was so annoying, I couldn't stand this!
I was able to treat myself to some pizza delivered and out. Not enough food! I gave up money up north to buy toys, but my mom took them in the apartment storage and I never saw them again. Up there, I got smoothies, too, and wraps.
Really, though, in my ear! It sounded unearthly, too...
For awhile, in Orlando, I felt things, too. I couldn't move nor escape my predicament and felt like little miners coming and ticking at me, literally, almost could see this happening, a huge nightmare. I also dreamed up or saw rather like a skinny head with a square body, which I saw in a movie, except in the form of a cowboy, with a jittering cigarette. And a jittering gun. This was so big. We kept imagining all these characters. There were different worlds. One was the Halloween world. Well, spooky world, witches and magic and stuff, well not magical magical. Then there's Disney, the like stage performances and bally people. Then, there's 2 western places, one with the like short sexy lady and then the one with the yippee yo kay a very jumpy and overly present people. I think in that world the kids would tackle stuff. I think the adults had like a gun that didn't really kill them or possibly a lasso. I think in the other west, the people had these machines. They were like getting in trouble or someting for talking to me. I think I remember the girls in it were kinda like maybe had like raggedy anne looks with bangs and stuff. 8^. I'm feeling kinda weird. So, also, after this died down, I felt swirling in my stomach. It died down eventually, AS I got on line. I knwo I experienced a lot of pain from people. I remember thinking seeing "Greece?" "Hercules" was realistic or something. I was entertained much by the ducks, thinking they were people from the first experiment and characters invented - oh my gosh - I forgot about that! There were 2 people from the New Orleans area, my 3rd high school. Always going around was the idea of like what are you made of. Like, you have a bottom and a top basically, an outside and an inside. You are made of pee, milk, or blackness of nothing. I became ... milk on the outside and black on the inside and still am to this day. It's quite established in me. Supposedly, like, I know, in Disney I think it was something like the adults and kids each had reverse one side was pee and the other was milk. It was about the relationship of picking them up. The same went for the Western places. :| So, I remember there were some people in my dream otherwise, too, remember a guy with like black maybe Hercules hair drinking down like hot pepper or hot sauce. It was so gross. And it made these makes of people sick, you might call them, like, though, they were individuals, too. There was the idea that some were evil, like these very thin, skinny girls, but then they were good. I was in pain this whole time from being fat. It was my second time bloating. I'm still bloated to this day, hoping to get down finally. It's quite painful to be this bloated, anyone'd say, though I'm not really fat. It's just, I've accumulated fat so many times since quitting gymnastics at age 9. IT did thin me out and make me look less Chinese and more European I guess. It was so painful to gain fat. I grew upo tinking I had to always exercise and that I didn't enough because of transportation, money, and programs.
I remember, now, there was also this thing where there was this creature a black bug with lots of red eyes, and I experienced it being turned around in pain and being tortured all the time. I even felt it in New Orleans. I had problems with that up there at first.
Well, that about covers it. Might I add I saw Bolero on TV with this like goo moving along of coke and then this ape with fire and then marching along in progress. It was so annoying (but I liked it) ... I liked it a lot and miss it and tried to find it I think ... so long, this coke crawling along, maybe dripping out of its bottle. It was so funny then you se an ape get fire. Then, there were all these otehr things.
Well, I just wish that things went better, that I took less classes, and that I knew when I should come home. Mabye ge ta degree? Too alte to do that on time. May as well give up. Or I could try to finish it at home, but dorm is better than trasnportioatn, and I wanted to be at home. I would not have even gone to college, I thought, but maybe it was better to get on my feet. I got the 2nd highest scholarship and would be allwoed free up north. My mom was so mad I didn't go back... I could ahve done voice. I wanted New Olreans and I guess maybe mainly eys the ballet. New Orelans is nice, but I'm used to it. I mean, I coulnd't have done voice.
I'll have to work on figuring out waht to do, but I feel too old to enjoy college and want to be a movie actor. For money, I guess I'll have to pay back when I am not sick. True, I am sitting here watching "The Ellen DeGeneres Show," but I'd otherwise be posting online until I feel nursed back to health. Things have come up, but I hope things get better.
Being the Youngest
I guess I fancy being the youngest, but ultimately it's just kinda ... meh ... weird. I've been in situations like that, and I felt accomplished.
So, being with another person, I find it fun being with one older person and one younger person... I also like being with lots of younger people.
I'm sorry for some of the hard feelings that have come across, but I disclaim them as false, shouldn't have thought them, though, and is not really like me. Just look at the situation and who I've become.
So, back to being the youngest or oldest or in the middle. I guess being in the middle can be hard, but it's the most normal of situations.
So, yes, I think we all sometimes like being with older people and sometimes with younger people.
As to my brother, well, I mean being older is fun because I'm with my mom and my dad's there... I don't know why my brother is how he is. I guess his life was confusing and he didn't do gymnastics nor some other form of physical activity before the age of 6. He used to just lie on the couch all the time watching TV and fighting me, well not really being mean but like telling me what to do.
So, being with another person, I find it fun being with one older person and one younger person... I also like being with lots of younger people.
I'm sorry for some of the hard feelings that have come across, but I disclaim them as false, shouldn't have thought them, though, and is not really like me. Just look at the situation and who I've become.
So, back to being the youngest or oldest or in the middle. I guess being in the middle can be hard, but it's the most normal of situations.
So, yes, I think we all sometimes like being with older people and sometimes with younger people.
As to my brother, well, I mean being older is fun because I'm with my mom and my dad's there... I don't know why my brother is how he is. I guess his life was confusing and he didn't do gymnastics nor some other form of physical activity before the age of 6. He used to just lie on the couch all the time watching TV and fighting me, well not really being mean but like telling me what to do.
What You Really Did
I figured if I didn't really do something I can't be sorry for it. Sometimes, things just happen. I try to think about them and explain the facts in the matter. Today, I found that works, just unsolve the facts...
I also figured probably it wouldn't work, but oh well, still can brush over and be something in this world.
I also figured probably it wouldn't work, but oh well, still can brush over and be something in this world.
Something I Thought
Oh no! Something came up. I was in the bathroom and thought about something for the first time, but at least it was someone in my family. :|
Grocery
I cut myself at the grocery store putting groceries on the belt. Also, I told them to put back the creamy ranch dressing. No dip for me. :( I did get spices.
Doctor
The doctor said the very small tumor under my brain like stopped protruding, I think got smaller, my dad said disappeared. However, I remember he also said the medicine didn't get in the way. I'm surprised my dad didn't do anything when I said I didn't take the medicine anymore for awhile.
Dream
I dreamed pretty quickly and was waking up. I think it was about crossing a border, I'm pretty sure. Like, I was on a map with these big old men shouting across each other merrily.
Like a yellowish map with a dotted line.
Like a yellowish map with a dotted line.
My Statement
I figure I served my purpose, time to retire. :| ...
However, I still have the same interests as everyone else in the world but probably had a fair share of a type of attention. I feel that people won't leave me alone, though.
However, I still have the same interests as everyone else in the world but probably had a fair share of a type of attention. I feel that people won't leave me alone, though.
Never Seemed That White a Long While Ago
I mean, I'm always getting better. I never was how I wanted to be, and, no, it isn't because I wasn't an adult, yet, or something like that... In fact, I didn't seem very white, but I mean I seemed astute in many ways. I got to be pretty interesting in this one place, after quitting gymnastics lessons, was never on a team. Suddenly, my nose got bigger and my face thinned out, well longer nose. Probably not good, but my eyes changed color from as a kid brown to more even green seeming. I mean, I wear glasses.
My Dying Life
Also, my life is interesting to me, but it seems not to be as interesting to other people. It doesn't seem so after such a bad day, like my life isn't mine. I don't follow like I don't deserve to associate myself with my past. Sometimes, I did some right things. I wanted to do what I did, but I got tired. It's racism! I mean, I got by in the back, but I didn't accomplish much concretely like at a sorta priced level. I feel sorta left in the dust after the day but will probably get over it. It's nice starting over, though. :p I guess everyone learns something. We'll see what happens. I hope I don't think of anything bad even if something bad happens.
My dad really hurt me, like made me tippy, and I just sorta ripped into him in the end but didn't really try to hurt him, so I'm worried about that. So, no, I decided not to hurt anyone, thinking, on purpose.
My dad really hurt me, like made me tippy, and I just sorta ripped into him in the end but didn't really try to hurt him, so I'm worried about that. So, no, I decided not to hurt anyone, thinking, on purpose.
Help!
So, I'm interested in Ellen DeGeneres and think that she wants me to watch her show and continue to post online with her, as should everyone or at least those most interested. However, I feel slighted that I shouldn't be with her, that if I didn't post online that maybe she'd have more freedom. I don't expect like her to read it, but I like doing it. I would like to talk to others like her.
I guess I have to admit yes there's only one of her, but there are different people with different similarities. So, I'm interested in her, too, and maybe I'm more interested than most people, though I only started watching her show for the first time earlier this year and some episodes I ran across looking up people on YouTube.
I'm getting kinda tired. :p
...
I guess I have to admit yes there's only one of her, but there are different people with different similarities. So, I'm interested in her, too, and maybe I'm more interested than most people, though I only started watching her show for the first time earlier this year and some episodes I ran across looking up people on YouTube.
I'm getting kinda tired. :p
...
Girl at Wal-Mart
Also, a girl seemed to connect with me not even looking at me, with a boy. She was skinny on top with big puffy legs. Medium light brown wavy hair, a somewhat long slender nose. Probably blue or blue grayish eyes.
However, it sounded like the cashier said "gay." The girl realized it was just a safety tool. The cashier, with long gray wavy partly light brown hair kinda like stimulated me with her arm. Someone did that at the other Wal-Mart, earlier. I got mad. I think people started to get scared of me.
I guess the lady about Thanksgiving will get over it, but I don't know. I mean, I'm a weird person, but I wasn't nearby. I'm sure she'll feel better about herself. I got Orlando to ricochet back if they're mean to me, as well. }:D
However, it sounded like the cashier said "gay." The girl realized it was just a safety tool. The cashier, with long gray wavy partly light brown hair kinda like stimulated me with her arm. Someone did that at the other Wal-Mart, earlier. I got mad. I think people started to get scared of me.
I guess the lady about Thanksgiving will get over it, but I don't know. I mean, I'm a weird person, but I wasn't nearby. I'm sure she'll feel better about herself. I got Orlando to ricochet back if they're mean to me, as well. }:D
Middle Easterner
I saw a Middle Eastern lady, medium tall and big kinda, with a shawl, kinda warmly and complexly dressed, at the grocery store, last stop. I also returned shampoo at CVS Pharmacy and they didn't accept one of them back that I don't think I can use because it's different, the conditioner, I think. So, whenever I see a Middle Easterner they've always noticed me and been happy, from far away hearing me step. I went back to a blog and read something I wrote for fun, "They knew they were behind racially," as a joke because they thought that and I think European is fun like they do but like to preserve other cultures. Doesn't everyone? From a foreign country like thaat? Ever since, I've been more uncomfortable. I think I was slighted by a young one and discredited her, but she seemd less Middle Eastern and more Spanish, not sure what she was wearing. :| So, anyway, this lady was really calm and gave me a tingly sorta more softer or mellow feeling, kinda rich, thick, deep, and not full but in itself fullness. She seemed to think that this was like an ultimate meet-up. Quickly upon seeing her, an old man advertising veggies asked me to get some. I insisted to myself I wouldn't insult the lady and didn't. No, I didn't really get insulted in that scene. I think the lady went off kinda not doing anything but feeling like an excuse. I was looking at the broccoli for awhile and he said he said it was get one free and I was like oh okay. I made another mistake today, too, and other days, I think, one I remember more.
Bad Day. Meh. :|
So, yea, I do feel really bad that the day didn't go perfectly. It's hard to accomplish without trying. I follow logic. I didn't really hurt anyone, but in a way it seemed like I did and I was sad and stopped. Someone went crazy when I accidentally sounded like I said Thanksgiving. I feel bad, but it wasn't on purpose at all. I'm not sure how clumsy it was.
Also, I don't know what happened to my cheeks. I took a bunch of pictures.
I dunno, sometimes I just react if I've messed up my life recently, just a quick moment of defiance, though, must be a habit of racism. I don't know what was wrong with me.
Also, I don't know what happened to my cheeks. I took a bunch of pictures.
I dunno, sometimes I just react if I've messed up my life recently, just a quick moment of defiance, though, must be a habit of racism. I don't know what was wrong with me.
Hard Day.. :p
So, I had a really hard day.
I lay down for like 40 minutes, I guess, since my dad wanted to come home and nap. Then, we went out again. We went to Wal-Mart for about half an hour. I was okay there, wait, I got upset there and explained it already. I guess we went back to another one later. So, I ate at the mall while my dad shopped. I had a large Fruit Julius pina colada and sub, chicken bacon ranch with honey oat, foot long. I was okay until I went in the bathroom. Well, I came out and decided to fix my bra. A large black lady seemed to notice me, and the fact she was so fat came out and I imagined she reacted adversely. That was a feeling going around. I didn't have a perfect start of the day. So, I went back in and people didn't understand me!!! My life is so lame. One of them made me dizzy in an uncomfortable yet somewhat pleasured way but not too much, nothing I'd not done before, though I'm older now. I managed to get an outward grip on it. I came out and my dad was swinging a bag funnily. I hit the rail of the moving stairs thinking that I was playing along. We went to the grocery store and I had to replace a squeaky cart and got uncomfortable the whole way. The other cart jiggled. I realized that it was my faul if I was affected and that fighting back probably wouldn't help. At Wal-Mart, I got upset some girls didn't seem to accept me and something came across me in like ways outside of me in parts, like in balls even, "I hope - you don't - be - a movie ... star..." :*( I mean, she was so mean. Then, she showed that she wasn't very authentic, as I remember people before "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" came out and had been out. So, I came out still upset I felt so revealed. I also managed to sound like I said "Thanksgiving" but was sorry for it like a sad toy puppy with a skinny upturned tail when I was away later. So, with the movie star thing it wasn't actually very deliberate. I didn't know what to say. My dad made me uncomfortable in various ways, and I felt like I was swearing at him saying he was "crap." He tried to bore something into me that a stranger couldn't, just in case and because of the nature of events. Something else bad came to my mind, too, that someone wasn't even shit. I guess that makes sense grammatically, which is something that's gone around in the past day. I got mad earlier today when my dad thought that a black person seeming to think I was so bad wasn't even worthy of something. I guess he was trying to help a black person out. Also, at the mall, there was a fat Spanish lady who seemed kinda ethnic, as though she were Oriental. She didn't ask me what I wanted for cheese. I thought she was Chinese and short, but she turned out to be huge. She melted a little cheddar cheese. I asked for Swiss cheese, and she didn't at first and then just went ahead and put it on and I didn't bother to ask for more. I got upset at the area sitting down because I wanted cheese. Also, I just got really healthy food. No dressing, no cheese. I also got 2 jugs of water for my room. I stopped listening to music all the time, too, less paranoid. I do hear the cars with my ear plugs, but oh well. I guess I just have to keep trucking.
I feel that I've been a pretty well-behaved person, somewhat irritated but honest, unsure of why I was how I was. I don't know how worthy I am more than anyone else. I wish my life were set up differently. It was rather lonely and obscure. I had fun in this one place, but then things went downhill upon moving.
I lay down for like 40 minutes, I guess, since my dad wanted to come home and nap. Then, we went out again. We went to Wal-Mart for about half an hour. I was okay there, wait, I got upset there and explained it already. I guess we went back to another one later. So, I ate at the mall while my dad shopped. I had a large Fruit Julius pina colada and sub, chicken bacon ranch with honey oat, foot long. I was okay until I went in the bathroom. Well, I came out and decided to fix my bra. A large black lady seemed to notice me, and the fact she was so fat came out and I imagined she reacted adversely. That was a feeling going around. I didn't have a perfect start of the day. So, I went back in and people didn't understand me!!! My life is so lame. One of them made me dizzy in an uncomfortable yet somewhat pleasured way but not too much, nothing I'd not done before, though I'm older now. I managed to get an outward grip on it. I came out and my dad was swinging a bag funnily. I hit the rail of the moving stairs thinking that I was playing along. We went to the grocery store and I had to replace a squeaky cart and got uncomfortable the whole way. The other cart jiggled. I realized that it was my faul if I was affected and that fighting back probably wouldn't help. At Wal-Mart, I got upset some girls didn't seem to accept me and something came across me in like ways outside of me in parts, like in balls even, "I hope - you don't - be - a movie ... star..." :*( I mean, she was so mean. Then, she showed that she wasn't very authentic, as I remember people before "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" came out and had been out. So, I came out still upset I felt so revealed. I also managed to sound like I said "Thanksgiving" but was sorry for it like a sad toy puppy with a skinny upturned tail when I was away later. So, with the movie star thing it wasn't actually very deliberate. I didn't know what to say. My dad made me uncomfortable in various ways, and I felt like I was swearing at him saying he was "crap." He tried to bore something into me that a stranger couldn't, just in case and because of the nature of events. Something else bad came to my mind, too, that someone wasn't even shit. I guess that makes sense grammatically, which is something that's gone around in the past day. I got mad earlier today when my dad thought that a black person seeming to think I was so bad wasn't even worthy of something. I guess he was trying to help a black person out. Also, at the mall, there was a fat Spanish lady who seemed kinda ethnic, as though she were Oriental. She didn't ask me what I wanted for cheese. I thought she was Chinese and short, but she turned out to be huge. She melted a little cheddar cheese. I asked for Swiss cheese, and she didn't at first and then just went ahead and put it on and I didn't bother to ask for more. I got upset at the area sitting down because I wanted cheese. Also, I just got really healthy food. No dressing, no cheese. I also got 2 jugs of water for my room. I stopped listening to music all the time, too, less paranoid. I do hear the cars with my ear plugs, but oh well. I guess I just have to keep trucking.
I feel that I've been a pretty well-behaved person, somewhat irritated but honest, unsure of why I was how I was. I don't know how worthy I am more than anyone else. I wish my life were set up differently. It was rather lonely and obscure. I had fun in this one place, but then things went downhill upon moving.
Anti-Racism
I've come to the conclusion that in the light of events, racism, it's okay in your mind to tell someone they are a nigger and stuff but to care about people when it's inappropriate. I don't mean to go out of your way and do it. Sometimes, you have to sort out your thoughts, and that idea just pops up.
Right and Wrong
People can't assume they are always right, when they are wrong...
I've been right when others are wrong, and people are forgiven for the worst crimes.
Also, I usually connect things literally. I don't play around and make things up.
I've been right when others are wrong, and people are forgiven for the worst crimes.
Also, I usually connect things literally. I don't play around and make things up.
Consensus
So, if I don't know why things happen, like who really did what, it'll be taken as I didn't really mean anything against them and I just went out of control, if something comes up, if anything new still can.
I had some other good idea, too, I thought. Ah, yes. Apparently, there are certain ways I can't be stimualted, so why be stimulated at all?
I had some other good idea, too, I thought. Ah, yes. Apparently, there are certain ways I can't be stimualted, so why be stimulated at all?
Problems
Come on, people have been playing with me and been able to manipulate me physically since the "n" word crap.
If I can't get mad at you on the inside, you can't do things because I get mad.
I just went to put my contacts away ... and it might stick in my head awhile ... and on my way back I heard my mom talking. I have experienced some things in the day. This is sick if she can just push a button and control me yet isn't nice. I felt a swirling in lowermost female pat. My dad was thinking of someone for some reason he doesn't know well when he was driving and thinking of the wheels spinning like in pain, and I felt a sorta dizzy after-effect, sorta a fascination of stimulation, utter crap..
Also, I don't believe in just following set rules because I already have and found that it leads me nowhere. I find I do things on an impulse I wish I hadn't done and that no one ever forgives me for it.
Oh, the bad part was I was thinking of my brother when I felt the swirling. My dad came in and I felt it in a different way, less and more physical. I guess I have to deal with it, but it's crap!
If I can't get mad at you on the inside, you can't do things because I get mad.
I just went to put my contacts away ... and it might stick in my head awhile ... and on my way back I heard my mom talking. I have experienced some things in the day. This is sick if she can just push a button and control me yet isn't nice. I felt a swirling in lowermost female pat. My dad was thinking of someone for some reason he doesn't know well when he was driving and thinking of the wheels spinning like in pain, and I felt a sorta dizzy after-effect, sorta a fascination of stimulation, utter crap..
Also, I don't believe in just following set rules because I already have and found that it leads me nowhere. I find I do things on an impulse I wish I hadn't done and that no one ever forgives me for it.
Oh, the bad part was I was thinking of my brother when I felt the swirling. My dad came in and I felt it in a different way, less and more physical. I guess I have to deal with it, but it's crap!
What's Wrong With Me
I know why I get so mad, my health! I'm going on a strict diet! I don't know how long and how strict said diet will be. It won't be eating nothing, though, not at this point.
Stimulating Kids
Post Edited
I used to dream of picking up my daughter and how she would feel, kinda silly, for like planned hours every evening, unsure why because I guess I wasn't good at it. Well, I wanted a daughter with white hair, so not sure how that goes. I'm not ready to have kids. Sometimes, I pretend I have kids. It's funny, I used this idea a lot. You know, like a month or so. I didn't know if we were supposed to stimulate a certain area in a certain way. I'm not sure about it, like why we have to be stimulated in a place like that. I don't remember feeling anything there, and honestly I avoided touching my parents there for bad reasons. The good reason was I didn't want that to be the focal point. I ended up not feeling much. However, I felt an overbearing presence when my mom picked me up and when I was with her as a little girl before my brother was born but felt a certain presence after, as well. It's kinda satisfying to be older, in a certain way. I'm usually older than everyone in certain kinds of situations, you might say. I thought you got a certain feeling if you were the youngest. I guess I don't like feeling that way. I have thought about what it's like to be with people slightly younger. It's a good feeling I've felt, but I don't feel it at the time. I don't remember if I actually asked my dad if I should stimulate my kids in a certain areas. I think it went like you'd really stimulate them.
I used to dream of picking up my daughter and how she would feel, kinda silly, for like planned hours every evening, unsure why because I guess I wasn't good at it. Well, I wanted a daughter with white hair, so not sure how that goes. I'm not ready to have kids. Sometimes, I pretend I have kids. It's funny, I used this idea a lot. You know, like a month or so. I didn't know if we were supposed to stimulate a certain area in a certain way. I'm not sure about it, like why we have to be stimulated in a place like that. I don't remember feeling anything there, and honestly I avoided touching my parents there for bad reasons. The good reason was I didn't want that to be the focal point. I ended up not feeling much. However, I felt an overbearing presence when my mom picked me up and when I was with her as a little girl before my brother was born but felt a certain presence after, as well. It's kinda satisfying to be older, in a certain way. I'm usually older than everyone in certain kinds of situations, you might say. I thought you got a certain feeling if you were the youngest. I guess I don't like feeling that way. I have thought about what it's like to be with people slightly younger. It's a good feeling I've felt, but I don't feel it at the time. I don't remember if I actually asked my dad if I should stimulate my kids in a certain areas. I think it went like you'd really stimulate them.
Dream
Oh no! I have to wake up early tomorrow! I'm gonna eat, that'll help wake me up.
So, anyway, my dream last night, the thing how I say picking me up. It is a big deal to me, in general, but it was just something that happened in the dream. It was sorta a sweet story to follow, didn't actually experience it in its glory. So, what happened was, she was with these kids for some reason. I guess she was pretty feeling toward us all, but you know how some kids turn off happily, maybe the older ones. That confuses me because I should be like that, too, and I think I would be, like with the little girl in my dream or anyone, in real life. I don't know about being put under the lily pad and made to meditate on things like that. 8^. So, anyway, what it's like is basically I was already worked up kinda tired. I was tired in real life myself, I mean. I wasn't really worked up. In my dream, I was feeling a sense of nothingness.
You know, some people possess a certain status. Also, when people realize that it's not all about being picked up and carried, they'll realize the importance of physical touch in the form of cuddline.
So, yes, I guess it was a feeling of sympathy to me. It shouldn't be that important, but to me it is. Personally, it's something that happens I guess. Maybe, if I thought about it, it would mean more. I mean, it does. I guess it makes me feel uncomfortable, too.
I think it is more of a real thing. Like, I think it's about being touched. I know some people think of it like as a hug. It's not like carrying a kid while you're walking. It's something I guess we all feel. I know I always wanted to pick my brother up, but it was a bit different for us. It was a very complex feeling, but I can't recreate it. I have a picture. I am not supposed to post certain pictures.
I guess I feel I have it waiting that I'm gonna dream someone is picking me up, as I've had several. Some are more physical than others, perhaps more gratifying in some ways. I guess, with Ellen DeGeneres, I feel a sense of ... well, never very physical. It's just I'm involved and that's the sort of thing going around. Anyway, with her, you know, things don't like end so much, like you wake up all of a sudden. You have a sense she'll be back.
So, yes, basically, it's hard to touch on it. In real life, this wouldn't happen. I think these kinds of things should happen, but maybe people are too old and need to learn other things. I know you can get praised for being short. Why not pick up short people who are like young adults? So, when I dream of being picked up, I'm always about the size of the person picking me up unless I imagine I'm a kid. It's so funny, I keep going on about it.
However, if someone just holds your hand, it's a very romantic feeling with some kinds of people. If they pat you or put their arm around you, it can be gratifying, as well.
It's not the biggest deal in the world to me that I recieve certain treatment, but I'm trying to get the cream of the crop.
I guess what goes along with the feeling is that there's a lot going on in the world actually, and somehow it's like okay I'll just like cuddle you or just pick you up and go for a time. It never lasts, in this dream, and maybe it didn't happen much.
I feel funny when people question if I feel funny about them feeling things, too. I don't know what they feel. I wonder if we'll find out more, like dissecting in science.
I do question people who never feel anything. I feel a strong presence with my parents, but it doesn't make me feel very physical.
I'm finding that people don't really make up their mind in time about what they want, too. Sometimes, it depends on who I'm interested in.
This is kinda private, but I guess I should talk about it. So, I'm thinking Ellen DeGeneres is this big public figure. I've been obsessing over her going around Orlando jogging. So, I guess it's sunk in her robot at the Disney ride. I guess, normally, I wouldn't suggest this, but I'm sure the idea would come up. I think that these Disney rides, at least this one so far, have sunk in as reality, Ellen in the jungle. It might seem like the best thing in the world that could have happened, being on a Disney ride. So, I would say it was a show and not a story or something. I guess we can let it stand as that.
so, I thought, like if Ellen meets kids, I wonder why she doesn't pick those kids up. She should get more ordinary yet attractive kids. Those famous people are too big. I don't mean to be the one to break the ice, but Chloë Moretz was on her show. I guess I was anticipating what would happen. I don't know if they did anything, but they probably did backstage. She was with Johnny Depp. I think she was sitting closest to Ellen but with Michelle Pfeiffer, too, who was cool as Cat Woman and who is a few months younger than Ellen. I don't really know much about her, though. People in Tim Burton's movies tend to be the same, in some light, but you can tell they have amazing capabilities. She seemed fif different in "Dark Shadows." Chloë Moretz was pretty skinny. She seems to have taken on a more weighted, strong look. I miss the skinny Chloë. It seems all young people have changed today. They should still be small. I guess Chloë Moretz is my height. I'm a bit upset. I guess I'm pretty big. I'm probably as big as Ellen DeGeneres. I'm 5'3". I guess I did the wrong measurement. I'm mad because I was on a schedule where I was on the internet a lot and I was pretty petite in structure. I don't feel as overbearing now, more petite in a different way, thinner probably and stronger. Well, after I went to the mental hospital, the medicine made me tired more. I've been sleeping a lot lately, and so I got taller. I think that there was a big thing about like when you're younger not too be too big but not to be too small. I don't know if kids are planning for the future. I don't know why I was tall when I started 6th grade, neither, but I stopped growing after awhile when I felt bad. Anyway, I'm surprised I grew. I'm glad I did because I was supposed to. I never grew in the New Orleans area. Maybe, at 1st, I had. I'm glad I sleep, but I think it's the medicine and being treated badly that made me like this. It's okay, I mean. It's not fun being too short. Kate Bush is 5'3.5". So, I'm about her height. I met Orla Fallon, and she is probably, without heels, 5'. She was very skinny, when I saw her, and very alive but still. I'm pretty mad because I remember before when I was tall I was more respectful and was excited to see how tall I'd get. I'm not sure really what went wrong. I know there are some people who are really short, like under 5'. Most people today are 5'3"+. Oh boy! I found out I can sink to 5'1" and stretch up on my feet on the floor to 5'4". I'm pretty solidly built, a little fat, but not really. My legs are pretty supply built. They used to be longer but I don't know just how long. I think I'm too weighty and supple for someone to try to handle me. I'm trying to stretch my legs out of their sockets. I couldn't be happier. 3^)
Ellen DeGeneres is such a nice person. Why not get together with some worthy people?
So, anyway, my dream last night, the thing how I say picking me up. It is a big deal to me, in general, but it was just something that happened in the dream. It was sorta a sweet story to follow, didn't actually experience it in its glory. So, what happened was, she was with these kids for some reason. I guess she was pretty feeling toward us all, but you know how some kids turn off happily, maybe the older ones. That confuses me because I should be like that, too, and I think I would be, like with the little girl in my dream or anyone, in real life. I don't know about being put under the lily pad and made to meditate on things like that. 8^. So, anyway, what it's like is basically I was already worked up kinda tired. I was tired in real life myself, I mean. I wasn't really worked up. In my dream, I was feeling a sense of nothingness.
You know, some people possess a certain status. Also, when people realize that it's not all about being picked up and carried, they'll realize the importance of physical touch in the form of cuddline.
So, yes, I guess it was a feeling of sympathy to me. It shouldn't be that important, but to me it is. Personally, it's something that happens I guess. Maybe, if I thought about it, it would mean more. I mean, it does. I guess it makes me feel uncomfortable, too.
I think it is more of a real thing. Like, I think it's about being touched. I know some people think of it like as a hug. It's not like carrying a kid while you're walking. It's something I guess we all feel. I know I always wanted to pick my brother up, but it was a bit different for us. It was a very complex feeling, but I can't recreate it. I have a picture. I am not supposed to post certain pictures.
I guess I feel I have it waiting that I'm gonna dream someone is picking me up, as I've had several. Some are more physical than others, perhaps more gratifying in some ways. I guess, with Ellen DeGeneres, I feel a sense of ... well, never very physical. It's just I'm involved and that's the sort of thing going around. Anyway, with her, you know, things don't like end so much, like you wake up all of a sudden. You have a sense she'll be back.
So, yes, basically, it's hard to touch on it. In real life, this wouldn't happen. I think these kinds of things should happen, but maybe people are too old and need to learn other things. I know you can get praised for being short. Why not pick up short people who are like young adults? So, when I dream of being picked up, I'm always about the size of the person picking me up unless I imagine I'm a kid. It's so funny, I keep going on about it.
However, if someone just holds your hand, it's a very romantic feeling with some kinds of people. If they pat you or put their arm around you, it can be gratifying, as well.
It's not the biggest deal in the world to me that I recieve certain treatment, but I'm trying to get the cream of the crop.
I guess what goes along with the feeling is that there's a lot going on in the world actually, and somehow it's like okay I'll just like cuddle you or just pick you up and go for a time. It never lasts, in this dream, and maybe it didn't happen much.
I feel funny when people question if I feel funny about them feeling things, too. I don't know what they feel. I wonder if we'll find out more, like dissecting in science.
I do question people who never feel anything. I feel a strong presence with my parents, but it doesn't make me feel very physical.
I'm finding that people don't really make up their mind in time about what they want, too. Sometimes, it depends on who I'm interested in.
This is kinda private, but I guess I should talk about it. So, I'm thinking Ellen DeGeneres is this big public figure. I've been obsessing over her going around Orlando jogging. So, I guess it's sunk in her robot at the Disney ride. I guess, normally, I wouldn't suggest this, but I'm sure the idea would come up. I think that these Disney rides, at least this one so far, have sunk in as reality, Ellen in the jungle. It might seem like the best thing in the world that could have happened, being on a Disney ride. So, I would say it was a show and not a story or something. I guess we can let it stand as that.
so, I thought, like if Ellen meets kids, I wonder why she doesn't pick those kids up. She should get more ordinary yet attractive kids. Those famous people are too big. I don't mean to be the one to break the ice, but Chloë Moretz was on her show. I guess I was anticipating what would happen. I don't know if they did anything, but they probably did backstage. She was with Johnny Depp. I think she was sitting closest to Ellen but with Michelle Pfeiffer, too, who was cool as Cat Woman and who is a few months younger than Ellen. I don't really know much about her, though. People in Tim Burton's movies tend to be the same, in some light, but you can tell they have amazing capabilities. She seemed fif different in "Dark Shadows." Chloë Moretz was pretty skinny. She seems to have taken on a more weighted, strong look. I miss the skinny Chloë. It seems all young people have changed today. They should still be small. I guess Chloë Moretz is my height. I'm a bit upset. I guess I'm pretty big. I'm probably as big as Ellen DeGeneres. I'm 5'3". I guess I did the wrong measurement. I'm mad because I was on a schedule where I was on the internet a lot and I was pretty petite in structure. I don't feel as overbearing now, more petite in a different way, thinner probably and stronger. Well, after I went to the mental hospital, the medicine made me tired more. I've been sleeping a lot lately, and so I got taller. I think that there was a big thing about like when you're younger not too be too big but not to be too small. I don't know if kids are planning for the future. I don't know why I was tall when I started 6th grade, neither, but I stopped growing after awhile when I felt bad. Anyway, I'm surprised I grew. I'm glad I did because I was supposed to. I never grew in the New Orleans area. Maybe, at 1st, I had. I'm glad I sleep, but I think it's the medicine and being treated badly that made me like this. It's okay, I mean. It's not fun being too short. Kate Bush is 5'3.5". So, I'm about her height. I met Orla Fallon, and she is probably, without heels, 5'. She was very skinny, when I saw her, and very alive but still. I'm pretty mad because I remember before when I was tall I was more respectful and was excited to see how tall I'd get. I'm not sure really what went wrong. I know there are some people who are really short, like under 5'. Most people today are 5'3"+. Oh boy! I found out I can sink to 5'1" and stretch up on my feet on the floor to 5'4". I'm pretty solidly built, a little fat, but not really. My legs are pretty supply built. They used to be longer but I don't know just how long. I think I'm too weighty and supple for someone to try to handle me. I'm trying to stretch my legs out of their sockets. I couldn't be happier. 3^)
Ellen DeGeneres is such a nice person. Why not get together with some worthy people?
Mistreated
I don't want to be wound up whereas before I was very respected. I just won't take this. I don't want to be like treated a certain way just because others are mad at me and have weaknesses already.
Lost Rapport
Well, it seems my parents have lost their rapport. I don't need them to step into my life, in certain ways.
I don't have to ask, and I don't think they'll listen.
I seem to have lost opportunities for relationships.
I don't have to ask, and I don't think they'll listen.
I seem to have lost opportunities for relationships.
My Life Ruined?
It seems, if I went online more, before the "n" word thing, not just posting about Tim Burton, and I thought there were other things, that maybe my experiences now would be better. Instead, I gave all my time to the inklings of Tim Burton having a daughter in his career. I mean, no one is perfect, but I'm often a target of hatred.
Shower :S
Oh no! I better go take a shower.
Why not just admit I'm right? I mean, who are you, anyway?
Why not just admit I'm right? I mean, who are you, anyway?
Disrespect
So, who started this whole the world is against me for Helena Bonham Carter secretly calling me a nigger and then seeming like she wanted me to call her daughter that? Be against them! Do you know how stupid the world is for this stupidity?
I shouldn't be made to feel bad.
All of a sudden, my parents treated me like I was trash and I gained weight at first. I started singing musicals and lost weight but gained it again in the mental hospital.
Also, it's as though I never really accomplished anything and never made any relationships the normal way. I've been discredited as a normal person.
People took the liberty to make me responsible for things I didn't do and to be unable to have certain relationships.
I shouldn't be made to feel bad.
All of a sudden, my parents treated me like I was trash and I gained weight at first. I started singing musicals and lost weight but gained it again in the mental hospital.
Also, it's as though I never really accomplished anything and never made any relationships the normal way. I've been discredited as a normal person.
People took the liberty to make me responsible for things I didn't do and to be unable to have certain relationships.
Stop being mean to me!
People keep wanting me to rebel against my established behavior, to fight what's not there and get in trouble and I ended up having that happen theoretically, for no reason. Still, they won't leave me alone. They're so antsy and mean. No one gets I have an individual relationship with each person. That's been my biggest problem. I think the other was the idea that things can get stuck in my head, which replaced the blow of other things. People do it to me like I'm an animal! I don't know what to do back.
Please leave me alone and let me be who I am. I don't want your belittled ideas. I'm not going to battle idiocy.
I don't want to keep being reminded of stuff because of something my mom instilled in me just because my dad has that relationship with his mom. That didn't happen before. This is not worth it.
I'm a pretty trustworthy person who just wants to have fun. Instead, people have molded my life into that which I do not like. People these days judge you for your reputation with people you already know, which is based on what they do to you, how they control your feelings and how they are able to do that. A reputation is supposed to be based on your efforts, intents, and your physical competency or technical.
Go pick on someone else. Stop counting up all the times I get mad at you for what you did wrong to me.
Stop talking to me about things I never want to talk about and suggesting things.
Please leave me alone and let me be who I am. I don't want your belittled ideas. I'm not going to battle idiocy.
I don't want to keep being reminded of stuff because of something my mom instilled in me just because my dad has that relationship with his mom. That didn't happen before. This is not worth it.
I'm a pretty trustworthy person who just wants to have fun. Instead, people have molded my life into that which I do not like. People these days judge you for your reputation with people you already know, which is based on what they do to you, how they control your feelings and how they are able to do that. A reputation is supposed to be based on your efforts, intents, and your physical competency or technical.
Go pick on someone else. Stop counting up all the times I get mad at you for what you did wrong to me.
Stop talking to me about things I never want to talk about and suggesting things.
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