Friday, September 14, 2012
Emotions
:|
Generally, I never admit to liking any feelings nor being touched. I used to always ask my parents to carry me, though, my mom until I was 3 and my dad until I was maybe 8. I liked sitting in the carts at the grocery until I was maybe 10. I would be embarrassed to see someone I know, especially if it was someone older or someone I liked. Sometimes, in New Orleans, I've gotten the feeling of people picking me up. I even had a dream that someone really did and that it was hard, laying on my back, when I was in college, and 2 students were there. I believed it was real, though. When I was up north during the hurricane, I thought Renée Fleming put her hands on my shoulders and said, "Well, hello there!" in such a thick, pleasant, nasally, resounding, somewhat pretty loud voice. I thought my life was an experiment and I felt picked on a lot about being stimulated and like being all antsy that someone would pick me up and love me. I can only think, otherwise, that I would do that to someone.
Generally, I never admit to liking any feelings nor being touched. I used to always ask my parents to carry me, though, my mom until I was 3 and my dad until I was maybe 8. I liked sitting in the carts at the grocery until I was maybe 10. I would be embarrassed to see someone I know, especially if it was someone older or someone I liked. Sometimes, in New Orleans, I've gotten the feeling of people picking me up. I even had a dream that someone really did and that it was hard, laying on my back, when I was in college, and 2 students were there. I believed it was real, though. When I was up north during the hurricane, I thought Renée Fleming put her hands on my shoulders and said, "Well, hello there!" in such a thick, pleasant, nasally, resounding, somewhat pretty loud voice. I thought my life was an experiment and I felt picked on a lot about being stimulated and like being all antsy that someone would pick me up and love me. I can only think, otherwise, that I would do that to someone.
Dream
When "Ellen DeGeneres" was carrying me away from the dangerous animals, she wasn't really, it was just a thought. :| I don't know "what" happened to the "dangerous animals."
Dream
There wasn't much lettuce, really, just a lot of somewhat supple-sized yet short breadsticks, not very short, though. It was a highglight for me to finger.
Dream
The dog I coaxed I coaxed at its sorta sharp slightly rounded teeth, like with my head in its face. It was like growling like it would attack. It kept almost biting my leg!
Dream
So, I was talking and kinda barking like in my YouTube video and sounded just like "Ellen DeGeneres" who was in my dream. She was talking, too, sorta a voice with different points, kind horny and nasally. I didn't like it, but it was something that happened. I knew it would go away and I would regain my normal self on some higher, more improved form, as always happens in these situations. It was an attractive voice. I had just recorded myself singing like an opera singer, Renée Fleming. I used to be able to sound just like her or anyone, after studying voice in college but lost it.
Dream
Also, I was behind a couch, which was like an old one from my aunt, and I guess yea "Ellen DeGeneres" was sitting on it. My family was all there, I think my dad standing up just smiling, only forcing smiles, like he had to leave. I was talking and sounded just like "Ellen DeGeneres." It's funny on her episode today, there was another girl from Orlando who I think was Hispanic with cancer, very slim and looked kinda Asian with big eyes and quite tan but not too dark skin.. and she quoted "Just keep swimming.. Just keep swimming.." and looked just like Dory with her big eyes. At first, I didn't realize she was from Orlando. I just didn't get how she learned that. When I watched it a 3rd time, It hink, online, and the 2nd time, I realized, maybe only twice online, that she was from here. I'm guessing she's really from here. Pretty much, I know that Disney is a highly elevated society. I moved here from New Orleans, and the first think I got was clean. When I moved to the New Orleans area, what I got was not high-tech. Well, I figured that, too, later. The airport, while very small and dingy yet with a nice restaurant ... ... ... ... Sonic. They closed it when I left. Anyway, the toilets moved. However, when I was in Jacksonville... the trash cans were methodical yet timeless and said like stuff like Thank you ... for throwing away your trash? I used to live in that area for a total of a little over 5 years. I don't know, it's just different, but Orlando is clean and moral. Jacksonville, obviously, is moral in a different way. Jacksonville is a complex society which is situated in the region of Northeastern Florida, along the coastal region. :D It's very modern. People think like normal people. It's not about the beach like where I'm from originally, which I remember ad which was the smoothest part of my childhood, the time that made sense where I was always well-behaved. I know it's also after my brother was born and he got in trouble, whereas I never did, though growing up I was highlighted as the bad one for criticizing my life. I was in a lot of pain, tired. So, I know, like, in Orlando, the kids here can channel in Disney. The adults can channel in stuff, too. I always hated the New Orleans area and wanted to live in the city, was looking forward to it. I cared about the people there. :| Strangely, when we moved to Orlando, I had this split feeling at first of wanting to be in Florida again in the most major city, "fuck" Miami. :D It was my first time not being on the Southeastern|Northeastern coast, but my aunt lives in Northwestern coast. My aunts both used to live in Fort Lauderdale, suburbs inland. We were "poor" when we lived in the area, as well, and my aunts didn't have any kids. So, I guess how Ellen DeGeneres looks at New Orleans is how I look at Florida. 8^0 It's funny, I traveled for college. During Katrina, I was up north, in Cleveland, and had to come home early. I was in New Orleans the next semestser, a free semester in the summer, and the start of the fall. When I came back, I preserved my New Orleans culture, more than an actor does theirs in L.A. So, I am very interested that Ellen DeGeneres had a girl from New Orleans on her show. I found her to be not totally in line really but still. Will they ever? I've never seen anyone so open channel anything like that, better than in the movies, yet still like me not necessarily will be hired. Kids in Orlando are quite inhibited. 8o They are holding in a lot of talent, yet some are kinda like more nostalgic about being poor and stuff. Their eyes definitely light up. I've never seen such sparkly eyes, but it seems kids have become more trashy since. Like, it was endless. This girl with dark blue eyes, straight smooth medium brown hair, not very light skin, had like such sparkly eyes and was reveling in sin that she was of a generation with more emotional parents. I got so mad once I stomped on the floor at a kid. Several times, in the city, I've seen police following me. I think that's why I stopped going out as much. 8. So, anyway, I know, now, kids in Orlando can suddenly encompass a tacky feeling of living here, like they like it, like a glassy-eyed feel. I've seen some skinny people online who look pretty nice, though, a bit smug. So, there are a lot of weird kids here. The funny thing is, they have small beady eyes. They look like they think it's romantic to be poor. I know not everyone is like this. I don't know why I see a lot of people who are, though, like via media. It's so weird. Their parents are like showing off how base they are. Anyway, it's so weird how young kids here channel in thoughts like of Disney cartoons, I guess. I think people here my age would have, as well. I just don't, kinda a feeling of withholding myself in other areas in Florida, I think the Jacksonville area. I'm not really sure how this happens. The funny thing is when I realized she was from Orlando I was able to channel in how she did that and like was on top of her pretty much but no into it. Anyway, I totally respected that accomplishment and was totally interested. However, though, I've had trouble gluing myself to other types of kids here and before young adults, for some reason... :|
Dream
Ah, yes, I remember now. I had in my dream also that at the end for some reason I thought someone was supposed to try to pick me up for the fun of it, and I think "Ellen DeGeneres," and like I know my mom, feeling the presence slightly that was the rest of my family, I think my dad and brother, were looking at me like it was weird because it was a delayed feeling, like I was already supposed to have it happen or something like that. Oh yes, I remember now, when I was outside with the dogs, supposedly "Ellen DeGeneres" was there, though I think she wasn't, and it was agreed that she was picking me up and carrying me home for some reason because I was being attacked, not sure how that worked out. Oh yes, she said we were being close, for some reason, so I was supposed to like cuddle next to her while we hurried home from the dangerous animals.
Dream
I can't remember the peak of my dream and all the details. Anyway, it was about Ellen DeGeneres hosting something.
Oh yes, she was staying at my house for some reason, which was a big warped. At first, I've left for school and am in some room, sorta in pain but not real writhing type of pain. I was waiting for my report card. My mom came and I got it. I was with my brother. It was hard to read it. We were outside the house and left it on the car and went in. I closed the door. A small black bear, which I'd dreamed about apparently, was trying to come in. She locked the door. I ended up going out later way out to the school and a small dog was chasing me which I coaxed. I like having a person I can trust, sometimes, like my mom... I think I was feeling like antsy and nervous and scared and wanted "Ellen DeGeneres" with me. I guess I made it back home. My report card hard different rows, with like 20s and 30s and history was like over 100s. Like 102, 182, maybe 132. It was a paper with like a place you can rip, kinda landscape with gray sorta typewriter, somewhat smooth type letters.
At some point, there was like this big party in the family, maybe other people, maybe not. I got down prepared Caesar salad ... lettuce, dressing, croutons, maybe chicken, and breadsticks. My aunt, who works with giving blood, training people now, gave my dad a foam container of chicken Caesar salad and another of bread with maybe something like thick garlic and shaped kinda muffin-y with a container of dressing to dunk it with, maybe Caesar. She also gave me $20. I think this was sometime last week, when my dad was out 3 days in a row, Tuesday-Thursday. I was having a ball. I guess I was thinking of "Ellen DeGeneres." So, she's like actually from the precise region I'm from, a New Orleans suburb, and her mom is from New Orleans and I read her dad is from out of the U.S. So, I was just regenerating feelings I had there for people and sorta yearning for attention, in a more developed way for myself. I realize Britney Spears is from the same heritage as well, stretching across Mississippi and more northern of the New Orleans area. However, I didn't move there until I was 12 and moved away as a young adult.
So, I was with "Ellen DeGeneres" a lot. I guess I wasn't going to bed or something, and anyway there was no more school. That history class I took in 12th grade when I switched schools. I guess she was talking to me, and I talked to her. She was nice, kinda long and thin but supple but not in a juicy way. It's sorta the feeling you're close to someone and touching them and they want to feel the connection, not just a disconnected touch. I wish I remembered all I did. I might have went back out or something and she followed me. I was with her awhile. It's not that I expected her to be there nor knew why she was in my dream like that. I had watched clips of her show a few times online. I'm catching it on TV, as well, every day. I wish I remembered what I did exactly, but she was a great comfort for some reason, sorta protected me socially, like my mom did. I know my brother was in it. He was looking funny, like the kid with a hump in Frankenweenie except sorta orangey tan and with a big nose. However he looked, he tried to fix himself up. I told him we'd work out together, but he does do physical activity now, at least in the summer moreso and some at school. My dad came in and seemed happy I was doing that. I remember now, also, I had a friend in it and I had thought of my dad and it was for some reason as though we were each copying each others's dads. I said, though, I'd give "Ellen DeGeneres" priority and we'd do something the next day, which was Tuesday or Monday. Probably Monday. It just sounded like Tuesday for some reason. :D So, we were as though, maybe she was kinda laughing and talking. She was so friendly. I had no idea why she was camping at my house in this dream, but I liked to be with her in the same place. However, I'm too embarrassed to want to be on her show, anyway. I'm hoping I win tickets to the premiere of Frankenweeie, though, and meet Tim Burton. It's so sad, I don't remember more how Ellen DeGeneres showed up and sorta comforted me in my dream. Like, she was there, her presence. I guess it was as though I was taller than I was. Like, I felt kinda hurt in my dream, maybe from the days, and she was just there and sorta awake physically too me though I didn't find her very commanding. I'm so sad I don't remember more because not much really happened, for some reason, except the feeling that she was interjecting in my life, which was a good, protective feeling for me, for some reason. She just commanded respect and morality, whereas for some strange reason I never did, though in a way I did ultimately and had the most fun. :| I guess I'm thinner today from jogging and doing strength training I think 2 days in a row now. I've been working out before that, too, jogging maybe every other day lately mostly or like skipping Saturday and Sunday jogging as much. So, I was supple, like a little fat yet kinda scrawny, my 5'1", which I can be 5'6", too.
Oh yes, she was staying at my house for some reason, which was a big warped. At first, I've left for school and am in some room, sorta in pain but not real writhing type of pain. I was waiting for my report card. My mom came and I got it. I was with my brother. It was hard to read it. We were outside the house and left it on the car and went in. I closed the door. A small black bear, which I'd dreamed about apparently, was trying to come in. She locked the door. I ended up going out later way out to the school and a small dog was chasing me which I coaxed. I like having a person I can trust, sometimes, like my mom... I think I was feeling like antsy and nervous and scared and wanted "Ellen DeGeneres" with me. I guess I made it back home. My report card hard different rows, with like 20s and 30s and history was like over 100s. Like 102, 182, maybe 132. It was a paper with like a place you can rip, kinda landscape with gray sorta typewriter, somewhat smooth type letters.
At some point, there was like this big party in the family, maybe other people, maybe not. I got down prepared Caesar salad ... lettuce, dressing, croutons, maybe chicken, and breadsticks. My aunt, who works with giving blood, training people now, gave my dad a foam container of chicken Caesar salad and another of bread with maybe something like thick garlic and shaped kinda muffin-y with a container of dressing to dunk it with, maybe Caesar. She also gave me $20. I think this was sometime last week, when my dad was out 3 days in a row, Tuesday-Thursday. I was having a ball. I guess I was thinking of "Ellen DeGeneres." So, she's like actually from the precise region I'm from, a New Orleans suburb, and her mom is from New Orleans and I read her dad is from out of the U.S. So, I was just regenerating feelings I had there for people and sorta yearning for attention, in a more developed way for myself. I realize Britney Spears is from the same heritage as well, stretching across Mississippi and more northern of the New Orleans area. However, I didn't move there until I was 12 and moved away as a young adult.
So, I was with "Ellen DeGeneres" a lot. I guess I wasn't going to bed or something, and anyway there was no more school. That history class I took in 12th grade when I switched schools. I guess she was talking to me, and I talked to her. She was nice, kinda long and thin but supple but not in a juicy way. It's sorta the feeling you're close to someone and touching them and they want to feel the connection, not just a disconnected touch. I wish I remembered all I did. I might have went back out or something and she followed me. I was with her awhile. It's not that I expected her to be there nor knew why she was in my dream like that. I had watched clips of her show a few times online. I'm catching it on TV, as well, every day. I wish I remembered what I did exactly, but she was a great comfort for some reason, sorta protected me socially, like my mom did. I know my brother was in it. He was looking funny, like the kid with a hump in Frankenweenie except sorta orangey tan and with a big nose. However he looked, he tried to fix himself up. I told him we'd work out together, but he does do physical activity now, at least in the summer moreso and some at school. My dad came in and seemed happy I was doing that. I remember now, also, I had a friend in it and I had thought of my dad and it was for some reason as though we were each copying each others's dads. I said, though, I'd give "Ellen DeGeneres" priority and we'd do something the next day, which was Tuesday or Monday. Probably Monday. It just sounded like Tuesday for some reason. :D So, we were as though, maybe she was kinda laughing and talking. She was so friendly. I had no idea why she was camping at my house in this dream, but I liked to be with her in the same place. However, I'm too embarrassed to want to be on her show, anyway. I'm hoping I win tickets to the premiere of Frankenweeie, though, and meet Tim Burton. It's so sad, I don't remember more how Ellen DeGeneres showed up and sorta comforted me in my dream. Like, she was there, her presence. I guess it was as though I was taller than I was. Like, I felt kinda hurt in my dream, maybe from the days, and she was just there and sorta awake physically too me though I didn't find her very commanding. I'm so sad I don't remember more because not much really happened, for some reason, except the feeling that she was interjecting in my life, which was a good, protective feeling for me, for some reason. She just commanded respect and morality, whereas for some strange reason I never did, though in a way I did ultimately and had the most fun. :| I guess I'm thinner today from jogging and doing strength training I think 2 days in a row now. I've been working out before that, too, jogging maybe every other day lately mostly or like skipping Saturday and Sunday jogging as much. So, I was supple, like a little fat yet kinda scrawny, my 5'1", which I can be 5'6", too.
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