Friday, September 21, 2012
Song
The 2nd to last song reminds me of the city I lived in in the New Orleans area, except I guess more pleasant.
These songs are really neat.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0043VNSGU/ref=dm_dp_trk1?ie=UTF8&qid=1348272546&sr=1-2
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0043VM4M4/ref=dm_dp_trk2?ie=UTF8&qid=1348272546&sr=1-2
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0043VPVJW/ref=dm_dp_trk3?ie=UTF8&qid=1348272546&sr=1-2
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0043VNSNS/ref=dm_dp_trk4?ie=UTF8&qid=1348272546&sr=1-2
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0043VNT3M/ref=dm_dp_trk9?ie=UTF8&qid=1348272546&sr=1-2
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0043VNT9Q/ref=dm_dp_trk12?ie=UTF8&qid=1348272546&sr=1-2
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0043VNTGE/ref=dm_dp_trk15?ie=UTF8&qid=1348272546&sr=1-2
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0043VM68G/ref=dm_dp_trk19?ie=UTF8&qid=1348272546&sr=1-2
(The 2nd to last song reminds me of the city I lived in in the New Orleans area, except I guess more pleasant.)
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0043VM4M4/ref=dm_dp_trk2?ie=UTF8&qid=1348272546&sr=1-2
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0043VPVJW/ref=dm_dp_trk3?ie=UTF8&qid=1348272546&sr=1-2
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0043VNSNS/ref=dm_dp_trk4?ie=UTF8&qid=1348272546&sr=1-2
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0043VNT3M/ref=dm_dp_trk9?ie=UTF8&qid=1348272546&sr=1-2
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0043VNT9Q/ref=dm_dp_trk12?ie=UTF8&qid=1348272546&sr=1-2
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0043VNTGE/ref=dm_dp_trk15?ie=UTF8&qid=1348272546&sr=1-2
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0043VM68G/ref=dm_dp_trk19?ie=UTF8&qid=1348272546&sr=1-2
(The 2nd to last song reminds me of the city I lived in in the New Orleans area, except I guess more pleasant.)
Before
Before, I had thought that I could impress someone by hurting them figuratively, like in imagination but not really hurting, like feeling a blast. :/ I wonder if I hurt everyone in some way, though. :{ Oh no, I didn't mean to hurt anyone, really. Why can't I control myself? I wonder what will happen to me, now. What will happen if I have kids to my kids? Also, what about the people I care about? I wonder if I'll get hurt in my dreams or if my parents will do something I don't like, again, like my dad. That will just make me feel bad, again, and I'll sit there with a pout face and he'll get mad again..
Feeling the Pain
Sometimes, you do need to have a little fun, obviously, but it should be done in certain ways. I don't know why the 2nd time it seemed like I was hurting someone nor why I would ever get mad in that way. It's like I can't get my feelings out the right way. I didn't like plan it over a long period of time.
Feeling
I just experienced something interesting. I felt affected and then made myself go to the motion just in position physically sorta that I was doing it to someone else.
My Life!
People are really using me and not letting me acquire genuine or rather at least moral feelings. It's all from weird stuff. If people can't stand me, I'll just go leave.
Non-Europeans
It seems like people who are mixed get reprimanded for criticizing Europeans and saying they aren't good enough. I mean, are they?
Families
Don't you find it inappropriate for someone older than you to have their parents somehow go against you, like because that has never happend within my family.
Hard Life
Ugh! Why does Blogger have security checks?
Why are people so weird with me? I am a good person. No one has thought so since I had to leave college. They started torturing me a lot.
Why are people so weird with me? I am a good person. No one has thought so since I had to leave college. They started torturing me a lot.
My Life
People need to stop getting in my life and insisting that things go how I don't want in things that are important to me. I don't need to be affected by others. I didn't do anything to anyone. I don't have any freedom nor privacy. I never feel right, even though I don't work, guess I'm catching up on sleep. I already explained my intentions, though, if you're wondering. It's just the idea. I can understand if I did something I shouldn't have done. I didn't do it on purpose, though, just trying to do something else, I guess, lost control, mad, because my dad was home sick and I wasn't alone but ended up catching up on some sleep and will some more soon, I guess, will wake up in the night.
Problems
So, I noticed that since like I've had problems communicating with others that it's the idea, somehow, "that I can talk to others to help them out and teach them but not for enjoyment..." Like, I get to feel loved in some way and appreciated for "what" I do but not who I am. I never did anything weird on purpose to anyone, though. I did like to check myself and was told I was good, not sure if my mom helped instill that sentiment. Not sure if my dad would have liked it. He likes my mom compared to me. So, it comes as a shock that behind my back people went and did that and didn't give me a chance, to be like acknowledged, ever|again.
I've explained what. One was about not writing to my cousin, in Indonesia, until I was 25. I thought my mom didn't make it easy for me to remember. Another was, not as big a deal, I e-mailed people I knew a lot when I was like locked in my room, too tired to do anything and not acknowledged racially by anyone anywhere, for the most part. What else? Oh yes, I told my dad, "Oh, no," when he came home when I was 11 as a joke and didn't say why so as to appear cool. It was because I was sad I was still doing my homework, really, though maybe there were admitted fun tones of sarcasm. These aren't really things I want to do nor would do now. I just was confused, couldn't think right, too much in my life not like comfortable. I felt better after taking gymnastics and then quitting. I didn't know if it'd be worth it to go back. It seems I changed a lot since getting a really strict, different teacher who was fired. She was creative, too. I think my life was already gyped, though. I notice these days that fat people eencourage you to be like them and so dark people. I don't think anyone did that before, maybe some problems with skin preferences but not sure.
I wish I was on my own, but it seems I was made to not be able to do that. I am not really comfortable. I feel pressured with enthusiasm about my dad feeling like he's being strict to me and before my mom, when it's just correcting my thoughts. It's not a fun experience. I am not really thinking wrongly. I'm just learning, like a person. I just always wanted to fit in, have a good time, and do the right thing.
It seems that I could interact with people more. I have good dreams, but that might be from others's influence. I wish I had like my own house connected to my parents's.
It really does annoy me, though, the irritating overtone that I am just being used for my intelligence and not being treated like a person. I've never been given a chance and always told I was good and that there was nothing to fix.
Also, I am totally not into people checking in on me because they might take anger out on me and not others in a way that's unfair. I've worked so hard to be who I am, and no one really cares, except I think some friends I've gotten close to. They seemed annoyed at how good I was, sometimes liked me a lot, though. They've hurt me, in different ways... I guess, though, that they just have that problem and that I have to find some way to change my life and hope I feel better soon...
I've explained what. One was about not writing to my cousin, in Indonesia, until I was 25. I thought my mom didn't make it easy for me to remember. Another was, not as big a deal, I e-mailed people I knew a lot when I was like locked in my room, too tired to do anything and not acknowledged racially by anyone anywhere, for the most part. What else? Oh yes, I told my dad, "Oh, no," when he came home when I was 11 as a joke and didn't say why so as to appear cool. It was because I was sad I was still doing my homework, really, though maybe there were admitted fun tones of sarcasm. These aren't really things I want to do nor would do now. I just was confused, couldn't think right, too much in my life not like comfortable. I felt better after taking gymnastics and then quitting. I didn't know if it'd be worth it to go back. It seems I changed a lot since getting a really strict, different teacher who was fired. She was creative, too. I think my life was already gyped, though. I notice these days that fat people eencourage you to be like them and so dark people. I don't think anyone did that before, maybe some problems with skin preferences but not sure.
I wish I was on my own, but it seems I was made to not be able to do that. I am not really comfortable. I feel pressured with enthusiasm about my dad feeling like he's being strict to me and before my mom, when it's just correcting my thoughts. It's not a fun experience. I am not really thinking wrongly. I'm just learning, like a person. I just always wanted to fit in, have a good time, and do the right thing.
It seems that I could interact with people more. I have good dreams, but that might be from others's influence. I wish I had like my own house connected to my parents's.
It really does annoy me, though, the irritating overtone that I am just being used for my intelligence and not being treated like a person. I've never been given a chance and always told I was good and that there was nothing to fix.
Also, I am totally not into people checking in on me because they might take anger out on me and not others in a way that's unfair. I've worked so hard to be who I am, and no one really cares, except I think some friends I've gotten close to. They seemed annoyed at how good I was, sometimes liked me a lot, though. They've hurt me, in different ways... I guess, though, that they just have that problem and that I have to find some way to change my life and hope I feel better soon...
Height
So, I am 5' but can be like 5'2" and on my toes stretched out am 5'4". I've been 5'6". I'm even like under 5'. I guess I have room to grow. Maybe, I can be a child actor.
Stuff
I decided I would think of my annoying thoughts at no particular person.
Also, don't tell me to feel sorry for my dad. I already have supposedly more than most people.
Also, think of the insults piling up on me that I have to work to write.
Also, don't tell me to feel sorry for my dad. I already have supposedly more than most people.
Also, think of the insults piling up on me that I have to work to write.
Being Wrong
Everyone just wants me to feel uncomfortable and submissive and tacky and, you know, "stupid." Like to feel it hard.
They like the feeling that maybe I felt I could be wrong and they're right.
I guess they've really done it and thought it'd be fun to play torture to my mom but instead to do it to me since I have Native American.
They like the feeling that maybe I felt I could be wrong and they're right.
I guess they've really done it and thought it'd be fun to play torture to my mom but instead to do it to me since I have Native American.
Punishment
So, I noticed people tell me I'm perfect beyond belief, but then I find that they act like I'm most guilty and punishable and that anyone who helps me has already gone ahead and punished themselves in ways I never will and never plan to.
My Parents's Lives
It seems my parents solely lived their lives intent on proving I wasn't who I was and that I wasn't worth it, partly by seeing if they could make my brother different, but he's in college and I didn't feel I could continue, at all, in a way.
People
I noticed that other people lived more glitzy lives that me as kids. It's a weird feeling when they want to feel so superior to me because I was all up for a good time always.
Private Life
It's nice when people get what they need, privacy and the sorta energy and esteem to achieve in the world, not having people around them all antsy like they don't have what they need and you owe them something.
Punishing Me
I wonder where people got so adamant about punishing me. I think they got really offended I wanted their guidance and that I was a dependent. Too bad my life was so hard after I joked around with my dad.
People don't really do it. They do it so they won't admit they're doing it. I feel my dad thinks it's like Looney Tunes or, rather, more like Mickey Mouse. He thinks his mom is a good punisher and thinks she's always better though he's right himself, too.
People don't really do it. They do it so they won't admit they're doing it. I feel my dad thinks it's like Looney Tunes or, rather, more like Mickey Mouse. He thinks his mom is a good punisher and thinks she's always better though he's right himself, too.
People
So, I guess I find that a lot of people seem to think they deserve someone to give up more than what their life was for something you did to them that wasn't like something you did wrong to them on purpose. Did you notice that people think I like deserve scratch? They make it seem like that's not so. The truth is, though, I don't really want to change it, but there might be some kinks. I just want my life to improve without kinks that are like really bad.
Dream
So, this person was rubbing my back feeling really sorry for me, reminded me of another figure in my dreams. Like so emotional over me in some way that was over my head. I was morbid, actually, too. I just wanted to be at peace, even alone, if possible.
Dream
Okay, the highlight of this dream was I guess I was like not really I guess this was my big chance to talk to Ellen DeGeneres. I guess she was like "lecturing" me somewhat briefly on making it in school. I got depressed I got turned down in education, and she felt sorry for me. It was't just like her. Anyway, I've been thinking of people on my own that don't exist, and I got to feel like someone was rubbing my back and I guess just to be amusing I was mumbling like, "Mom," under my breath.
I guess some other interesting things. My mom took apart my camera and hers was there instead and I tried to film myself flying. I knocked on her door and she didn't open it.
I guess the most exciting part about this dream was it was a lot about after I guess something happened I was with my relatives. It was hard. I had a hard time in my dorm room. I was like in bed like dead with kids around me prodding at me or at least one of them did it. I went into another room kinda partly asleep. I thought I made it to my room but apparently not. This kid came up to me and she was asking me to play, but I just stayed still. Then my dad came in and said he left me a note that I didn't have to take one of my pills and for some reason I was still on them and took them.
I guess the funny thing in this dream about Ellen DeGeneres was, nice having her, that she as a teacher, too, which kinda puzzled me.
It was nice, though, I got to think a person was rubbing my back for awhile, calmed down, finally.
I remember my dad, who I generally didn't touch or shied away from, came and rubbed my back and I didn't really like it. I don't know if my mom does that kind of stuff, but it's hard to talk about her.
So, yea, I was on the floor with that person at their legs.
Um, I dunno, I went to bed wondering about what happened in college after I thought my life had become like an experiment and then I thought it already was. The first semester, maybe I should have thought to come home. I guess the thought didn't enter my mind I was so mad it didn't work out with the construction, maybe my lack of intelligence|brains, and a bad schedule. It might have been caused by somehow me not reading the Honors books in advance. I had some trouble in school before from this one class I was too like shocked to have to try to get out of. The extra semester, I don't remember much but that I suffered a lot. I came home the next semester, probably should not have gone because then I would have gotten a bedroom next to a bathroom. Instead, my brother got it.
So, anyway, when I was talking about the education, it was a really nice setting, kinda dark and private, just a dilapidated existence of a building. I said something like, "It's not really nice when it happens in something like education." I bet it was planned out, though. I'm not sure if I should have gone to college, but it was a big experience, might have been better if I did Voice instead of Piano as a major instrument. I wasn't ready. I wanted to do singing in Talented Music, but we stopped when a Korean girl came back to my class. I was going to be alone. Maybe, the teacher who came it couldn't come in so I couldn't learn it. I had been in choir.
Anyway, this dream was a total nightmare that lasted a long time. I was feeling stiff like I couldn't move. I wonder if I had to or should have got up to go to the bathroom. I've been using it more lately, though, since having soup again, got advice to have veggies with dressing.
So, yes, my dad used to like hug me I guess until well maybe still after I played that game with him. I guess I liked it, but it wasn't the same as like when you get those really sexy teachers or music teachers and stuff. I guess he wasn't as happy after, or maybe I became more bitter. :( I got uglier, too. I guess my mom stopped hugging and kissing me at night when I was 9. Apparently, I didn't know, I used to always wrap my arms around my mom. My teacher said I'd stop, and I was very mad and said no I wouldn't. I didn't even know I was doing that! I admit when I had my parents carry me I did feel embarrassed with other people around, and I find that bad, like I didn't deserve it. No, I didn't really feel very stimulated, but I felt something very powerful, a total change of feeling with my mom, like being safe, nurtured, and at home, but like I was trash. Why did I always feel like trash compared to my mom? With my dad, he seemed agitated that I thought I was perfect. They openly acknowledge I'm good because I'm not like crazy. I don't get mad for fun, like, nor much anymore. I don't get mad in front of them, and I don't get mad often. I try not to get seriously mad, but it probably is healthy to live a little.
So, my mom had like a soft sorta I dunno pastel yet strong colored who knows purplish camera. I guess one of our cameras were taken apart. I was trying to film like I said my flying, but when I saw what I was actually doing I was crawling on my back on the floor, like a demon. It as quite grotesque and schocking, like a horror show.
What was wrong with the scene before the confession was I think after that I felt I had to feel stimulated, but I ended up finding that not to my liking, well to be stimulated in a bad way. I actually was very stimulated when the person was rubbing my back a lot. I guess it was kinda like a circular feeling. I think I could do that, too, but I probably wouldn't be feeling anything. I'd be too afraid to at this point, but I'm sure I could be a whiff of something. So, yea, a nice person. I'd been actually talking to Ellen DeGeneres from her early days, with her different hair, not sure how old she was but older. At first, she was gonna be mad at me, but we like stopped at the same time. I admitted how awful I felt. I felt bad I was rejected, basically, what set me off partly. I didn't know what major to change into. I mean they didn't have something like film. Looking back, it's interesting they connected music to communications. I would have thought more along the lines of theater and was gonna audition, but it was too much. I even overheard the auditions. I think it was a connected business and theater major. I think though music was more serious there, the best major at the school, the only reason I went, if not also for the quality of the ballet program which they actually had. I also said it was because it was Catholic and ranked high and was happy it was in a religious order. They had men staying there, who left after the hurricane, and my last semester I stayed where they stayed.
So, it was funny, the first part, otherwise, quite painful, though. Oh, I remember I was at a lake. It was like this girl was with me. It was more like a crater that was huge, and we could see a large expanse. It was kinda orangey. There was water filled in it, clear and blue, like a moat. I wanted to swim in it with an older lady I made up, and I guess I dunno if I actually got to feel myself swimming in that. I figured on why not just do it like I don't do it and go with one of those kids? ':{
So, when I was still, I was on like a sofa set in a living room, kinda small but not crowded. My mom came in, and I think I responded to her. Oh yes, she had her own camera stand, which was nicer than the one I borrowed from my parents that they had out. I thought they wanted me to, but I should have asked or asked them to get one for me. I don't really know, though. I mean, I would, now, I know.
So, there was more to it than most of what I described, but I think I got most of the highlights. I don't think I did ever settle in really.
So, it was an uncomfortable experience. I've been sleeping a long time, feel better, may go lie down until "The Ellen DeGeneres Show" is on.
I guess I started out in college and then came home to the house full of people. It was so crazy and long, and I felt like weighted down, clumped up, warm, and a little smelly.
It sorta seemed like it connected to the dream where I was at the bed with a window, where the spirit came in and stimulated me where my muscles were built on my hips from exercising, and it felt so good, like not like being touched exactly, like that warm feeling, a bit different. It's not the be all and end all, though, and maybe not as nice. I'm not sure how I got to feeling all warm. I think that's just how I learned to feel. I guess the metally feeling means surprised. I wonder what my parents feel. I figured it was something interesting, something more mature. Maybe more intellectual, even, seeing as who they are.
I guess I admit the nicest part was meeting Ellen DeGeneres and having the nice person rub my back to comfort me or something. I think I had to go up to her and then keep thinking I was calling her mom, not thinking she replaced me like you know having my technical mom. It's just the kind of thing I guess you'd think would be nice. I might have seen people do that, dunno. I'm not sure, but I really wanted to have someone touch me and be awake, so awake like that, for a long time, but I probably needed to be doing something else, like trying to swim in that water.
I guess I enjoyed myself a lot in college up north. I was supposed to take less classes, but I felt tested to take the music history course. I came in late but couldn't keep up. The reading was too hard, and I didn't feel like it. I was upset. If I quit it, I might have made it. I really did enjoy just walking around dreaming and having different things happen to me physically, but I attended to my studies in conducting, diction, voice, and well the organ teacher didn't always make it. Theory was too hard, and I was told like I was talented in Harmony. I tried pretty hard. Good thing I didn't take piano here, too.
I guess it was funny when my dad came in and was critical of me, dumping the pill message next to me. I guess I go crazy with some things. Maybe, I'm not supposed to get mad in private. :( I think he was like, "Are you awake? I guess you're not awake." I'm glad he was awake. I mean, he's sick, now.
Oh, it was so nice to be with a nice person. I guess it really affects you who you're with and who's responsible for what when they're with you and like when someone finally takes responsibility over what happens to you.
I guess it was just a nice warm, exhilerating experience. I just feel totally good like in this dream. I know when I went to bed, I think I had my hand on me. It wasn't on me like weird or something or on a weird part, I mean. It felt kinda the same as in the same thing but not like feeling the same.
I found that people in my life are mad at me and treat me badly because of my race and blame it on me not being perfect! They make it look like they're perfect and that they're good pretending not to be.
I've also thought, I should probably realize my mom is not Caucasian. I keep thinking like her race is, but her family seems a little harsh yet in some ways even mushy. They seem really good, though, like I say, in some ways, but I guess my mom is her own person of her own generation. I just try not to think about it. ^99^ I just don't!
I guess lately, I've gone through some funny feelings, more like thoughts or sounds. ':( It all started with something and then got stifled, I had to stop.
So, I guess seeing what I looked like thinking I flied in real life was neat. It was like dark and reddish.
The bulk of the dream was the kids and feeling tired, really. I don't remember what the end was. I think it was the fact I didn't feel like stimulating myself anymore. It was pretty long-winded and laborious. I'm glad I gave it a rest worrying about someone picking me up. 8| It's funny, I'm with kids in all these dreams but don't really pick them up nor touch them. They're just different around me, like I'm some weirdo. Oh, yes, I think I worried about my brother and sorta woke up. I was careful not to move because I was so peaceful, didn't expect anyone new to come along. I was thinking somehow of how he was and realized I was all muscled over not to be like him. It was that I "already did it."
I guess it was a peculiar dream, interesting, with all the kids. Tim Burton is doing a movie about "Peculiar Children" after a book.
I guess I've said enough about it that I can. In the living room, there was a little TV, too, that wasn't on. It was kinda bleak, bluish or blackish. The sofa was dark blue. I was kinda leaning over with my limbs spread a little. I moved a pen as I heard my dad in the restroom, I think.
That person was sitting on a chair. At first I was like standing up playing with the camera stands. It was interesting that this person was a teacher, too, and sorta did the show, like that I was talking to Ellen DeGeneres. I was surprised to find she was a college teacher there or something. I think it was something like communications, maybe like something social that sounded kinda technical, two courses. I think there was one point in my dream with my dad or maybe in another, though I know he was in this, about 2 words, 1 long, that started with an "f." They were writtin in a long list of alphabetical words.
So, I was fumbling with some ideas with this person, sorta beating the bush, about it. At first, like I've experienced the likes of, it's like, more strongly, I'd get in trouble, but then it was just not, was just the opposite.
I don't know what I'll do today, maybe take a shower after the show. Not sure if I will eat again nor go out. I can work out in my room, maybe go on IMDb and Tumblr and go to bed and maybe wake up early.
So, nice dream. I had an interesting one, that was like a game switching things around that was pleasant I didn't wake up to write about I thought I would.
It's too bad I got upset but am feeling better in a way, as I do when things happen. It was not the worst, though. I've been upset out today but think I'm better. I felt kinda like I might get stimulated in a bad way. Maybe, I should just learn to calm down, not sure what's overcome me. I shouldn't be doing this. I guess maybe I should have slept more, not sure if I need to even work out today.
So, yea, nice dream.
I guess some other interesting things. My mom took apart my camera and hers was there instead and I tried to film myself flying. I knocked on her door and she didn't open it.
I guess the most exciting part about this dream was it was a lot about after I guess something happened I was with my relatives. It was hard. I had a hard time in my dorm room. I was like in bed like dead with kids around me prodding at me or at least one of them did it. I went into another room kinda partly asleep. I thought I made it to my room but apparently not. This kid came up to me and she was asking me to play, but I just stayed still. Then my dad came in and said he left me a note that I didn't have to take one of my pills and for some reason I was still on them and took them.
I guess the funny thing in this dream about Ellen DeGeneres was, nice having her, that she as a teacher, too, which kinda puzzled me.
It was nice, though, I got to think a person was rubbing my back for awhile, calmed down, finally.
I remember my dad, who I generally didn't touch or shied away from, came and rubbed my back and I didn't really like it. I don't know if my mom does that kind of stuff, but it's hard to talk about her.
So, yea, I was on the floor with that person at their legs.
Um, I dunno, I went to bed wondering about what happened in college after I thought my life had become like an experiment and then I thought it already was. The first semester, maybe I should have thought to come home. I guess the thought didn't enter my mind I was so mad it didn't work out with the construction, maybe my lack of intelligence|brains, and a bad schedule. It might have been caused by somehow me not reading the Honors books in advance. I had some trouble in school before from this one class I was too like shocked to have to try to get out of. The extra semester, I don't remember much but that I suffered a lot. I came home the next semester, probably should not have gone because then I would have gotten a bedroom next to a bathroom. Instead, my brother got it.
So, anyway, when I was talking about the education, it was a really nice setting, kinda dark and private, just a dilapidated existence of a building. I said something like, "It's not really nice when it happens in something like education." I bet it was planned out, though. I'm not sure if I should have gone to college, but it was a big experience, might have been better if I did Voice instead of Piano as a major instrument. I wasn't ready. I wanted to do singing in Talented Music, but we stopped when a Korean girl came back to my class. I was going to be alone. Maybe, the teacher who came it couldn't come in so I couldn't learn it. I had been in choir.
Anyway, this dream was a total nightmare that lasted a long time. I was feeling stiff like I couldn't move. I wonder if I had to or should have got up to go to the bathroom. I've been using it more lately, though, since having soup again, got advice to have veggies with dressing.
So, yes, my dad used to like hug me I guess until well maybe still after I played that game with him. I guess I liked it, but it wasn't the same as like when you get those really sexy teachers or music teachers and stuff. I guess he wasn't as happy after, or maybe I became more bitter. :( I got uglier, too. I guess my mom stopped hugging and kissing me at night when I was 9. Apparently, I didn't know, I used to always wrap my arms around my mom. My teacher said I'd stop, and I was very mad and said no I wouldn't. I didn't even know I was doing that! I admit when I had my parents carry me I did feel embarrassed with other people around, and I find that bad, like I didn't deserve it. No, I didn't really feel very stimulated, but I felt something very powerful, a total change of feeling with my mom, like being safe, nurtured, and at home, but like I was trash. Why did I always feel like trash compared to my mom? With my dad, he seemed agitated that I thought I was perfect. They openly acknowledge I'm good because I'm not like crazy. I don't get mad for fun, like, nor much anymore. I don't get mad in front of them, and I don't get mad often. I try not to get seriously mad, but it probably is healthy to live a little.
So, my mom had like a soft sorta I dunno pastel yet strong colored who knows purplish camera. I guess one of our cameras were taken apart. I was trying to film like I said my flying, but when I saw what I was actually doing I was crawling on my back on the floor, like a demon. It as quite grotesque and schocking, like a horror show.
What was wrong with the scene before the confession was I think after that I felt I had to feel stimulated, but I ended up finding that not to my liking, well to be stimulated in a bad way. I actually was very stimulated when the person was rubbing my back a lot. I guess it was kinda like a circular feeling. I think I could do that, too, but I probably wouldn't be feeling anything. I'd be too afraid to at this point, but I'm sure I could be a whiff of something. So, yea, a nice person. I'd been actually talking to Ellen DeGeneres from her early days, with her different hair, not sure how old she was but older. At first, she was gonna be mad at me, but we like stopped at the same time. I admitted how awful I felt. I felt bad I was rejected, basically, what set me off partly. I didn't know what major to change into. I mean they didn't have something like film. Looking back, it's interesting they connected music to communications. I would have thought more along the lines of theater and was gonna audition, but it was too much. I even overheard the auditions. I think it was a connected business and theater major. I think though music was more serious there, the best major at the school, the only reason I went, if not also for the quality of the ballet program which they actually had. I also said it was because it was Catholic and ranked high and was happy it was in a religious order. They had men staying there, who left after the hurricane, and my last semester I stayed where they stayed.
So, it was funny, the first part, otherwise, quite painful, though. Oh, I remember I was at a lake. It was like this girl was with me. It was more like a crater that was huge, and we could see a large expanse. It was kinda orangey. There was water filled in it, clear and blue, like a moat. I wanted to swim in it with an older lady I made up, and I guess I dunno if I actually got to feel myself swimming in that. I figured on why not just do it like I don't do it and go with one of those kids? ':{
So, when I was still, I was on like a sofa set in a living room, kinda small but not crowded. My mom came in, and I think I responded to her. Oh yes, she had her own camera stand, which was nicer than the one I borrowed from my parents that they had out. I thought they wanted me to, but I should have asked or asked them to get one for me. I don't really know, though. I mean, I would, now, I know.
So, there was more to it than most of what I described, but I think I got most of the highlights. I don't think I did ever settle in really.
So, it was an uncomfortable experience. I've been sleeping a long time, feel better, may go lie down until "The Ellen DeGeneres Show" is on.
I guess I started out in college and then came home to the house full of people. It was so crazy and long, and I felt like weighted down, clumped up, warm, and a little smelly.
It sorta seemed like it connected to the dream where I was at the bed with a window, where the spirit came in and stimulated me where my muscles were built on my hips from exercising, and it felt so good, like not like being touched exactly, like that warm feeling, a bit different. It's not the be all and end all, though, and maybe not as nice. I'm not sure how I got to feeling all warm. I think that's just how I learned to feel. I guess the metally feeling means surprised. I wonder what my parents feel. I figured it was something interesting, something more mature. Maybe more intellectual, even, seeing as who they are.
I guess I admit the nicest part was meeting Ellen DeGeneres and having the nice person rub my back to comfort me or something. I think I had to go up to her and then keep thinking I was calling her mom, not thinking she replaced me like you know having my technical mom. It's just the kind of thing I guess you'd think would be nice. I might have seen people do that, dunno. I'm not sure, but I really wanted to have someone touch me and be awake, so awake like that, for a long time, but I probably needed to be doing something else, like trying to swim in that water.
I guess I enjoyed myself a lot in college up north. I was supposed to take less classes, but I felt tested to take the music history course. I came in late but couldn't keep up. The reading was too hard, and I didn't feel like it. I was upset. If I quit it, I might have made it. I really did enjoy just walking around dreaming and having different things happen to me physically, but I attended to my studies in conducting, diction, voice, and well the organ teacher didn't always make it. Theory was too hard, and I was told like I was talented in Harmony. I tried pretty hard. Good thing I didn't take piano here, too.
I guess it was funny when my dad came in and was critical of me, dumping the pill message next to me. I guess I go crazy with some things. Maybe, I'm not supposed to get mad in private. :( I think he was like, "Are you awake? I guess you're not awake." I'm glad he was awake. I mean, he's sick, now.
Oh, it was so nice to be with a nice person. I guess it really affects you who you're with and who's responsible for what when they're with you and like when someone finally takes responsibility over what happens to you.
I guess it was just a nice warm, exhilerating experience. I just feel totally good like in this dream. I know when I went to bed, I think I had my hand on me. It wasn't on me like weird or something or on a weird part, I mean. It felt kinda the same as in the same thing but not like feeling the same.
I found that people in my life are mad at me and treat me badly because of my race and blame it on me not being perfect! They make it look like they're perfect and that they're good pretending not to be.
I've also thought, I should probably realize my mom is not Caucasian. I keep thinking like her race is, but her family seems a little harsh yet in some ways even mushy. They seem really good, though, like I say, in some ways, but I guess my mom is her own person of her own generation. I just try not to think about it. ^99^ I just don't!
I guess lately, I've gone through some funny feelings, more like thoughts or sounds. ':( It all started with something and then got stifled, I had to stop.
So, I guess seeing what I looked like thinking I flied in real life was neat. It was like dark and reddish.
The bulk of the dream was the kids and feeling tired, really. I don't remember what the end was. I think it was the fact I didn't feel like stimulating myself anymore. It was pretty long-winded and laborious. I'm glad I gave it a rest worrying about someone picking me up. 8| It's funny, I'm with kids in all these dreams but don't really pick them up nor touch them. They're just different around me, like I'm some weirdo. Oh, yes, I think I worried about my brother and sorta woke up. I was careful not to move because I was so peaceful, didn't expect anyone new to come along. I was thinking somehow of how he was and realized I was all muscled over not to be like him. It was that I "already did it."
I guess it was a peculiar dream, interesting, with all the kids. Tim Burton is doing a movie about "Peculiar Children" after a book.
I guess I've said enough about it that I can. In the living room, there was a little TV, too, that wasn't on. It was kinda bleak, bluish or blackish. The sofa was dark blue. I was kinda leaning over with my limbs spread a little. I moved a pen as I heard my dad in the restroom, I think.
That person was sitting on a chair. At first I was like standing up playing with the camera stands. It was interesting that this person was a teacher, too, and sorta did the show, like that I was talking to Ellen DeGeneres. I was surprised to find she was a college teacher there or something. I think it was something like communications, maybe like something social that sounded kinda technical, two courses. I think there was one point in my dream with my dad or maybe in another, though I know he was in this, about 2 words, 1 long, that started with an "f." They were writtin in a long list of alphabetical words.
So, I was fumbling with some ideas with this person, sorta beating the bush, about it. At first, like I've experienced the likes of, it's like, more strongly, I'd get in trouble, but then it was just not, was just the opposite.
I don't know what I'll do today, maybe take a shower after the show. Not sure if I will eat again nor go out. I can work out in my room, maybe go on IMDb and Tumblr and go to bed and maybe wake up early.
So, nice dream. I had an interesting one, that was like a game switching things around that was pleasant I didn't wake up to write about I thought I would.
It's too bad I got upset but am feeling better in a way, as I do when things happen. It was not the worst, though. I've been upset out today but think I'm better. I felt kinda like I might get stimulated in a bad way. Maybe, I should just learn to calm down, not sure what's overcome me. I shouldn't be doing this. I guess maybe I should have slept more, not sure if I need to even work out today.
So, yea, nice dream.
My Dad
I'm wary of my dad concocting ideas about how we went to a few stores and I got a dress with stockings and socks to cover my toes, like maybe he didn't like it and is sick now. Like, I wonder if he didn't like it. He was on his iPad. I didn't want to be so long. I probably shouldn't have gotten the outfit, neither. I had to get some pants and a few other things and even got the wrong shampoo.
People
I seem to remember, like in Florida, things are pretty specific, like about how you feel and what and when. Like, everything matters and has to be right, though you fumble it up at first and stuff. I mean, it's best for people to feel the best among themselves, but if you want to involve someone else, it can be hard.
Feeling
I've had problems with being stimulated. You know, it just doesn't go as it should. I imagine, everyone has problems, though. Some people are still setting themselves up. So am I, so am I. :)
It seems like it gets better pretty quickly, gradually at first.
I guess I'm feeling different ways at different times. Like, I don't notice sometimes. I seem to have a choice. It's nice not to feel bad, pretty much.
It seems like it gets better pretty quickly, gradually at first.
I guess I'm feeling different ways at different times. Like, I don't notice sometimes. I seem to have a choice. It's nice not to feel bad, pretty much.
Problems
I find that I am stopping short because of the "n" word thing at key moments, but that's not my only problem.
Ellen DeGeneres
So, Ellen DeGeneres seems like a very nice, likeable person. I imagine people are judgemental against anyone, but, when they find out suddenly they can have a successful relationship in some way, they tend to rethink it.
I'd feel sorry for anyone, feel sorry for maybe the things in life for her that don't go as they should.
I know, in my life, I just kept kinda going, following my desires. I wish I had posted online more. I don't know why I didn't and why I got mad. I think we got a computer soon before moving.
So, anyway, I think Ellen DeGeners is a very nice person and hope that she has a good relationship with others.
I'd feel sorry for anyone, feel sorry for maybe the things in life for her that don't go as they should.
I know, in my life, I just kept kinda going, following my desires. I wish I had posted online more. I don't know why I didn't and why I got mad. I think we got a computer soon before moving.
So, anyway, I think Ellen DeGeners is a very nice person and hope that she has a good relationship with others.
Feeling
I guess you'd want certain things in place before you feel something. I can't imagine what it's like|what happens. I just don't want to be picked on by my dad! Nor others. It's fine if you want to be stimulated in a way I don't exactly like. Apparently, we are all different and at different stages of feeling. I feel jealousy for others, myself, and know that people can feel different things. I think everyone goes through these thoughts. I just find that these things happen when we mess up for no reason.
Tired!?
I am too tired, too tired to put up with my dad|parents in the house. I was gonna have a day. I've been sleeping a lot already. What's going on? I want to get under the covers because I'm tired.
People
So, why like treat someone like me in a bad way? Like, I don't want them to be buttered up against me. That seems to be what's all about. It could be worse. I don't myself want to be treated certain ways nor by certain parties. I have my own way already of how I can interact with people. I'm not willing to throw it away like what I want doesn't matter and stuff. I don't know what that would mean for other people.
Mad
So, yea. I'm upset at how I feel.
I want to lie down again and sleep! I feel uncomfortable with my parents here! I was gonna shower and get ready and sing and stuff. I was gonna work out, too!
This is all personal stuff coming up later that doesn't matter. My dad is sick and I want him, anyone to do with him, out of my life!
I want to lie down again and sleep! I feel uncomfortable with my parents here! I was gonna shower and get ready and sing and stuff. I was gonna work out, too!
This is all personal stuff coming up later that doesn't matter. My dad is sick and I want him, anyone to do with him, out of my life!
My Life
This is actually serious, but I found I could hurt people with how I move and act. I didn't mean to too much, but I can't really control it and am mad.
My dad is home from work, and he said he's sick, but I think he's here somehow privately knowing I was mad, yesterday, alone, just putting things down harder but pretty mad. He can't control my life and is mean. You're not supposed to be mean to your kids if they aren't like 110% flawless.
So, yes, I can be harsh, but I will not live for others's inklings. I need to not be trapped. I can't apply to the modeling place because my dad is home, too. I guess Monday. I can't believe I haven't been accepted, yet.
Pretty much, I'm not for extraneous thoughts over my head against others that don't matter. That's what got me mad to start. Then, I realized it was all about the flaws of others. It was about practicing them on me because I think I'm good. I guess you can look at it funnily after the fire has cleared, but I know that my life has been very ruined though in only certain aspects unavoidably improved but not really because it isn't worth what happened. I should have been able to live normally in the world and not feel overberaed by homework. I mean, I Did it all.
Also, my mom keeps getting things of mine dirty when she's inexplicably clean. I wanted to put a thing outside my room to put stuff on, but they let my brother put a shelf out or 2 of his room. He is not like me at all, though he shares the same traits. He plays the opposite of what I want and seems to think it's funny but mad his life is that way. Anyway, my parents never get mad at him nor poke at him for his attitude, otherwise. I'm not sure what happened. I'm pretty mad. I don't know. I think they were mad he was nice to me. They just can't make me like him. Isn't that sick? They could be "downgraded" to their younger siblings, as well, and picked on by the inklings of their grandparents.
So, I really want what I really want and don't want to be picked at for it. I can accept if it doesn't happen. but my life is not suposed to be messed up.
So, I'm sad, but I was pretty mad today because my dad seemed to play sick. He had soup sitting out with a sign for him, too.
So, lots of bad thoughts came as I was working in the kitchen. I didn't come up with anything voluntarily, I just get mad a lot. If I were alone or it were night and my mom were home, I wouldn't be mad. I didn't know where exactly to direct my thoughts.
So, also, I was just mad because it seems to be a fetish of people to pick on me for like no or bad reasons. Like, they want to take anything in my life I have away from me.
No one gets that I never feel that well. I've always listened to my mom and maybe in some ways my dad. Pretty much, I seem to have been disliked as I was for some reason and have went through changes, many I did not enjoy and regret, seemed to be for reasons I didn't like, like taking gymnastics, though I just went once or twice a week.
I was affected by the world, too, it seemed, not my parents's fault. Other kids were so perverted!?
My dad is home from work, and he said he's sick, but I think he's here somehow privately knowing I was mad, yesterday, alone, just putting things down harder but pretty mad. He can't control my life and is mean. You're not supposed to be mean to your kids if they aren't like 110% flawless.
So, yes, I can be harsh, but I will not live for others's inklings. I need to not be trapped. I can't apply to the modeling place because my dad is home, too. I guess Monday. I can't believe I haven't been accepted, yet.
Pretty much, I'm not for extraneous thoughts over my head against others that don't matter. That's what got me mad to start. Then, I realized it was all about the flaws of others. It was about practicing them on me because I think I'm good. I guess you can look at it funnily after the fire has cleared, but I know that my life has been very ruined though in only certain aspects unavoidably improved but not really because it isn't worth what happened. I should have been able to live normally in the world and not feel overberaed by homework. I mean, I Did it all.
Also, my mom keeps getting things of mine dirty when she's inexplicably clean. I wanted to put a thing outside my room to put stuff on, but they let my brother put a shelf out or 2 of his room. He is not like me at all, though he shares the same traits. He plays the opposite of what I want and seems to think it's funny but mad his life is that way. Anyway, my parents never get mad at him nor poke at him for his attitude, otherwise. I'm not sure what happened. I'm pretty mad. I don't know. I think they were mad he was nice to me. They just can't make me like him. Isn't that sick? They could be "downgraded" to their younger siblings, as well, and picked on by the inklings of their grandparents.
So, I really want what I really want and don't want to be picked at for it. I can accept if it doesn't happen. but my life is not suposed to be messed up.
So, I'm sad, but I was pretty mad today because my dad seemed to play sick. He had soup sitting out with a sign for him, too.
So, lots of bad thoughts came as I was working in the kitchen. I didn't come up with anything voluntarily, I just get mad a lot. If I were alone or it were night and my mom were home, I wouldn't be mad. I didn't know where exactly to direct my thoughts.
So, also, I was just mad because it seems to be a fetish of people to pick on me for like no or bad reasons. Like, they want to take anything in my life I have away from me.
No one gets that I never feel that well. I've always listened to my mom and maybe in some ways my dad. Pretty much, I seem to have been disliked as I was for some reason and have went through changes, many I did not enjoy and regret, seemed to be for reasons I didn't like, like taking gymnastics, though I just went once or twice a week.
I was affected by the world, too, it seemed, not my parents's fault. Other kids were so perverted!?
Controlling Me
Why do what people say affect me? That is so perverted! I don't wish to be controlled. Ever since I was convinced a spa lady made me call someone the "n" word, people have been doing this!
Dream
I remember at the beginning I was like looking over at some place from a bunch of spider webs and spiders, a long rectangle, representing people I like. I like climbed slithered, too and from there.
I rememeber also I was in bed and I felt where I worked out the touch of someone from the rectangle. It comforted me. It was like a triangle along my hips.
I guess what else was important was my safety. There was someone there who was like defending me from others in another room, while I was on my bed. I think she came over and was supposed to supposedly pick me up, and it was kinda like the thought happened. So, that's what happened there for a little while. I didn't feel safe in bed, but I wanted to be alone.
I had a dream someone was in bed and a stuffed animal came, supposedly was the person I saw, a small long thin light teddy bear, but it wasn't and looked different and a little bigger, asking to borrow money.
Then, I was in a kitchen and said hi to someone and was okay. Then another person came in wearing a Halloween shirt and was using something yellow. I was okay, but she insisted she wore it to say I was Asian, in how she acted, I told somehow. I became mad and went around getting more food, which included yogurt with nuts. I told someone else, who defended me, and someone else and the first person.
I guess, it was nice to be sheltered partway by someonie. I don't quite want to remember the details of the thoughts nor why it happened, but I guess it would be a good thing, better if I felt better.
I think the most romantic part was the person behind the webs.
I rememeber also I was in bed and I felt where I worked out the touch of someone from the rectangle. It comforted me. It was like a triangle along my hips.
I guess what else was important was my safety. There was someone there who was like defending me from others in another room, while I was on my bed. I think she came over and was supposed to supposedly pick me up, and it was kinda like the thought happened. So, that's what happened there for a little while. I didn't feel safe in bed, but I wanted to be alone.
I had a dream someone was in bed and a stuffed animal came, supposedly was the person I saw, a small long thin light teddy bear, but it wasn't and looked different and a little bigger, asking to borrow money.
Then, I was in a kitchen and said hi to someone and was okay. Then another person came in wearing a Halloween shirt and was using something yellow. I was okay, but she insisted she wore it to say I was Asian, in how she acted, I told somehow. I became mad and went around getting more food, which included yogurt with nuts. I told someone else, who defended me, and someone else and the first person.
I guess, it was nice to be sheltered partway by someonie. I don't quite want to remember the details of the thoughts nor why it happened, but I guess it would be a good thing, better if I felt better.
I think the most romantic part was the person behind the webs.
Going to Bed
I'm going back to bed, maybe waking up soon and eating brunch. Not sure, but I think I'm cold and will go under the covers. I need to work out.
Feeling
Isn't it funny when you don't want to feel the wrong thing but find for some reason you're feeling something, anyway, that you don't want?
Coming out of the Closet
You start to realize that people come out of the closet when they have to, but they're not supposed to. I mean, some people never are treated right who have always been in the right, yet are mistreated.
People
I wonder why people are so into more the people I know and take my time? Hey? I can only do what I only do, though. I just want to see some things more finalized in my life and stop living the past in bad ways. I mean, it's like I have to wait for everyone to live. I didn't really want to wait to live. That's the bad thing, too, people who hide and don't endorse in being there in the world, these young people who have dissed the performing arts.
Race
Remember when "race" was a big deal? I heard the word "race" in a commerical watching "The Ellen DeGeneres Show" spoken by maybe a black person in a smooth voice with a Spanish immigrant accent, whish is Latin American in America. Need I say more? It was like sarcastic, like it was brought up in a moment of progress. ID on't get it.
Hate
Did you notice that attractive people get beat out of jealousy, in the end?
Like, say you hate farmers or Asians. You only hate the ones who want to be your friend. 8^{
Like, say you hate farmers or Asians. You only hate the ones who want to be your friend. 8^{
Working Out
So, I'm looking better now, from the workout, but I'm gonna have to go and do other workouts, too, I guess. This just isn't working out. I'm not trying to be a twig, but I'm really fat.
No Point in Life
It's funny people go through life not appreciating|trusting in perfection and killing people over twisted errors.
Shape-Shifting
I feel people are slowly shape-shifting my body. D8 They're realize they're not perfect.
Dream
Also, I was saying I would go to the Muslim, but was thinking of going to the Polynesian or something else. I was excited about that and it would be good. I just may. I'd like to be Middle Eastern. Jewish might be interesting, but they don't always look Jewish, I understand.
Dream
It's hard to remember it all. The first person from my last dream was in it I think at the end and for some reason, kinda wish I didn't have this because, though there's nothing wrong with it, it doesn't go right, though what do you expect? Anyway. I was like a ghost with someone and we were thinking about if they could carry me like a kid because I wanted them to, in my dream, like it didn't seem like people in real life. It was a bunch of weird people, I guess, kinda mean and impersonal. So, I remember, anyway, which is important, is seeing someone else get carried. There was a boy who was almost as tall as a lady and he was able to be carried, I guess, and still not seem big. I guess his head didn't even go up to hers and his legs seemed small. Person 1 seemed happy to see this, and so was I. I remember in one of my dreams, for some reason my head felt like it was way above someone's whow as picking me up for fun in a way and I guess my legs aren't that long? I just realized. I hope just my legs get longer, at least mostly. So, in this part of my dream, which was like the end of something but not the end I guess it was like a scary world mall, and this time I was the bait, again, nothing too enjoyable, just sorta wanting to experiment, I guess, this time, though I suppose it felt good and was interesting because in real life maybe I enjoy the feeling of protection in general. I've contemplated on these things, why sometimes I actually want to keep physical contact with someone. So, I'm happy to announce that what happened in my dream was, though in real life lately I've been feeling more, not imagining bodies, which I don't very concretely, at all, like it was thought as though almost the person was like side saddling me on them and it worked out like I was small enough and protected. It wasn't really tacky like it sounds, I guess. I Don't remember it all now.
So, the rest of the dream was ... hard to remember at the moment. Ah, yes, I remember I was wearing a sikly flowery dress and had a silky covering for my head. I was surrounded by Middle Eastern girls, one from "Morrocco." I asked them what their religion was, and I asked what it was for Indonesia and China. They reacted when I said Indonesia, sorta maybe staring at me from the corner of their eyes. They said it was Muslim for everything. There were only 2 other relgions, Polynesian and something. I said my mom is from Java, in Bali, which isn't. Later, I said it was Jakarta, to one girl who was left.
So, I went around the mall, ran out of money, played with some musical instruments, drums and stuff, shook it like the one in "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory," not knowing.
There was one time I traveled somewhere with an aunt and family. Before that, I felt good in the car with my other aunt and other kids. I remember one next to me was reacting to me. So, we got to a shop where we toured. I touched the monkey made of wire with fuzz on it. So, they were closing the store in 2 minutes and gave out letters, and I got a chocolate chocolate chip cookie.
Why don't people deserve certain things for weird reasons?
So, my cooky, the top part, like a helmet, fell off, and it turned tan. It wasn't much money.
There was a part when I was in bed and there was a soda machine near me. I was gonna get something. It was like I had the dream before, I think, got the apple juice for $0.39. There was orange soda in a can for maybe $0.69. The rest was huge and maybe $2.00 or $3.00. I think some other people came and got stuff. I was gonna get a snack too.
So, I went back to the Middle Eastern girls. Supposedly, I had a husband|boyfriend and we were gonna have a kid or so, and the Muslim leader said I was half like Middle Eastern|Asian but bad and so we saw him as good, so my kid would be seen as bad from my white side. I listened to the fun but denied it and wanted back and then decided it wasn't good enough, neither. I think I talked to the girls some more, about doing something. They seemed to have small heads. Small bodies but with like soft flesh dripping out. Tan, dark brown but not like dark dark skin, kinda I dunno.
The highlight was kinda the feeling being around the girls but moreso studying someone being carried, me. I suppose if I were a kid, I'd like it, and I suppose I feel like a kid, now, so I suppose I'd like to be sorta protected, you might say...
Ah, yes, I went through the mall thinking about being a mom or rather at least parental figure and was like trying not to truly copy anyone but felt like sorta a white version of Ellen DeGeneres, since my mom is Chinese, Chinese-Indonesian, and her mom's last name may be Jewish or Austrian. I just went through figuring out I had Polish|Swiss Jewish. I certainly am not a Chinese version of her. I don't know why I felt like her in some ways. I mean, I try not to copy anyone, at all, in some ways.
I think this was before the person like carried me out the mall, which was a long time, actually, fumbling with the ideas.
I think it even worked out for someone, an older adult, to carry a younger person who is taller than them. I think it was a younger adult who seemed older carrying a taller kid, a boy, a woman and a boy.
So, the rest of the dream was ... hard to remember at the moment. Ah, yes, I remember I was wearing a sikly flowery dress and had a silky covering for my head. I was surrounded by Middle Eastern girls, one from "Morrocco." I asked them what their religion was, and I asked what it was for Indonesia and China. They reacted when I said Indonesia, sorta maybe staring at me from the corner of their eyes. They said it was Muslim for everything. There were only 2 other relgions, Polynesian and something. I said my mom is from Java, in Bali, which isn't. Later, I said it was Jakarta, to one girl who was left.
So, I went around the mall, ran out of money, played with some musical instruments, drums and stuff, shook it like the one in "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory," not knowing.
There was one time I traveled somewhere with an aunt and family. Before that, I felt good in the car with my other aunt and other kids. I remember one next to me was reacting to me. So, we got to a shop where we toured. I touched the monkey made of wire with fuzz on it. So, they were closing the store in 2 minutes and gave out letters, and I got a chocolate chocolate chip cookie.
Why don't people deserve certain things for weird reasons?
So, my cooky, the top part, like a helmet, fell off, and it turned tan. It wasn't much money.
There was a part when I was in bed and there was a soda machine near me. I was gonna get something. It was like I had the dream before, I think, got the apple juice for $0.39. There was orange soda in a can for maybe $0.69. The rest was huge and maybe $2.00 or $3.00. I think some other people came and got stuff. I was gonna get a snack too.
So, I went back to the Middle Eastern girls. Supposedly, I had a husband|boyfriend and we were gonna have a kid or so, and the Muslim leader said I was half like Middle Eastern|Asian but bad and so we saw him as good, so my kid would be seen as bad from my white side. I listened to the fun but denied it and wanted back and then decided it wasn't good enough, neither. I think I talked to the girls some more, about doing something. They seemed to have small heads. Small bodies but with like soft flesh dripping out. Tan, dark brown but not like dark dark skin, kinda I dunno.
The highlight was kinda the feeling being around the girls but moreso studying someone being carried, me. I suppose if I were a kid, I'd like it, and I suppose I feel like a kid, now, so I suppose I'd like to be sorta protected, you might say...
Ah, yes, I went through the mall thinking about being a mom or rather at least parental figure and was like trying not to truly copy anyone but felt like sorta a white version of Ellen DeGeneres, since my mom is Chinese, Chinese-Indonesian, and her mom's last name may be Jewish or Austrian. I just went through figuring out I had Polish|Swiss Jewish. I certainly am not a Chinese version of her. I don't know why I felt like her in some ways. I mean, I try not to copy anyone, at all, in some ways.
I think this was before the person like carried me out the mall, which was a long time, actually, fumbling with the ideas.
I think it even worked out for someone, an older adult, to carry a younger person who is taller than them. I think it was a younger adult who seemed older carrying a taller kid, a boy, a woman and a boy.
Why?
I'm not sure why I got mad today, probably because I'm used to it at times like that. I wasn't trying to hurt anyone, but I think it came off as it possibly being played around with as that. I think my putting down things hard was taken badly. Sometimes, bad words come to my head, so I think that was why. It was a substite. I was doing chores, too, think I'm supposed to be on break. I know I get mad when I work like that. I probably will be stronger if it happens again, though, pretty much.
Exercise
I'm really not doing so-well fitness-wise, guess I need to depend on more than one thing, even if it's not that good..
Hard Life
I guess there are 2 big things to blame, the "n" word thing and another adverse reaction of something in my head. It's hard for me to deal with anything, at all, anymore.
I don't think anyone had to know.
I've had this "adverse reaction" to 4 different people, actually. It was never, like, out of nowhere.
I don't think anyone had to know.
I've had this "adverse reaction" to 4 different people, actually. It was never, like, out of nowhere.
Dream
Anyway, I'm pretty mad. I see hidden messages around of stimulating me in perverted ways and others I care about.
So, I had a dream. I can't remember the beginning. There were 2 people for some reason picking me up like they cared about me.
I'm going back to bed. I wasn't listening to music.
I was also thinking if my parents had to listen to the inklings through their grandparents, they'd be zapped out.
Anyway, I don't really look up to some people who have adverse reactions to things I didn't quite react to in that fashion.
My dad should not have any part of my life in certain ways, and it keeps coming back as a point now.
I don't have any privacy even to get mad if something happens to me, physically, and it doesn't happen to others, quite like that. I don't want it to, so don't worry about me, hopefully it won't ever happen to you. :( I don't need to feel like a suck up to people who wrong me at all, neither.
So, I hope everyone is doing well.
So, anyway, one of the people, the 2nd one I felt more|better from but not as long.
Oh yes, then I had a dream about a guy coming over to fix stuff.
Why do I always feel so insulted?..
So, it was a long, tall guy at first and my mom was there. I had fish in my room and in the living room. He wanted to feed them in the living room. The guy turned out to be more burly but still long in form, with a square head. He seemed kinda greasy in build.
Oh yes, I don't like being bothered...
So, I told him I would go on a date with him eventually, said some things, but I told him I was in a complicated situation. We walked around awhile. There were some video games with something else on like a white cardboard box and other things. I asked if he played video games, and my mom like smiled. He did. I tried to mention all the games that existed to me, WOW, something about a college I remembered, and maybe something else. Then, I said I couldn't remember another one about a college.
So, I found that this exercise DVD I have isn't enough. I have to go back to some others and eventually get more. I am kinda happy I got the dress, I guess, didn't really expect to run out of money, ended up paying for some food, too, even though my aunt gave me money for food before. I guess sometimes my dad has me pay for different things.
I find my parents are always pressuring me to do things that can be seen as imperfect and then relentlessly getting at me, for comlpicated situaions.
I find my life is useless, about useless messages. Things are brought up that wouldn't really come up, otherwise, but maybe they would be by others.
So, yes, a very good dream, very replicable.
I just hope things go better. It seems my parents acted a certain way because I felt mad alone.
Also, I will not live saying at least I did this at least I did that, neither. My life will be free, and people will feel sorry for me. Sure, I gained some things supposedly, but really my life is just barren.
So, I had a dream. I can't remember the beginning. There were 2 people for some reason picking me up like they cared about me.
I'm going back to bed. I wasn't listening to music.
I was also thinking if my parents had to listen to the inklings through their grandparents, they'd be zapped out.
Anyway, I don't really look up to some people who have adverse reactions to things I didn't quite react to in that fashion.
My dad should not have any part of my life in certain ways, and it keeps coming back as a point now.
I don't have any privacy even to get mad if something happens to me, physically, and it doesn't happen to others, quite like that. I don't want it to, so don't worry about me, hopefully it won't ever happen to you. :( I don't need to feel like a suck up to people who wrong me at all, neither.
So, I hope everyone is doing well.
So, anyway, one of the people, the 2nd one I felt more|better from but not as long.
Oh yes, then I had a dream about a guy coming over to fix stuff.
Why do I always feel so insulted?..
So, it was a long, tall guy at first and my mom was there. I had fish in my room and in the living room. He wanted to feed them in the living room. The guy turned out to be more burly but still long in form, with a square head. He seemed kinda greasy in build.
Oh yes, I don't like being bothered...
So, I told him I would go on a date with him eventually, said some things, but I told him I was in a complicated situation. We walked around awhile. There were some video games with something else on like a white cardboard box and other things. I asked if he played video games, and my mom like smiled. He did. I tried to mention all the games that existed to me, WOW, something about a college I remembered, and maybe something else. Then, I said I couldn't remember another one about a college.
So, I found that this exercise DVD I have isn't enough. I have to go back to some others and eventually get more. I am kinda happy I got the dress, I guess, didn't really expect to run out of money, ended up paying for some food, too, even though my aunt gave me money for food before. I guess sometimes my dad has me pay for different things.
I find my parents are always pressuring me to do things that can be seen as imperfect and then relentlessly getting at me, for comlpicated situaions.
I find my life is useless, about useless messages. Things are brought up that wouldn't really come up, otherwise, but maybe they would be by others.
So, yes, a very good dream, very replicable.
I just hope things go better. It seems my parents acted a certain way because I felt mad alone.
Also, I will not live saying at least I did this at least I did that, neither. My life will be free, and people will feel sorry for me. Sure, I gained some things supposedly, but really my life is just barren.
Dreams
It's hard to remember right now, but if I get a faint memory back I will. I'm going back to bed, too.
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