Disrupting the Balance

Some things don't hit my nerve, and some things are going.

I can't get out of this mess.

Also, I was fine before Johnny Depp was famous.

I signed up for cross country and softball.  The reason I liked drama so much was because my first year there was a boy there from the city, New Orleans.  I guess he was gay and his friend died, but he was the most popular person when he was there and then left.  It let the whole school down, secretly.

So...  8o

So, yea.  I wasn't skinny enough, yet, though.  The fat seemed to pop off me, though.  I felt better when I stopped cross country but ran into a hard course and it brought my grades down.  It was a big thing.  I could have gotten by, but I was disrupted and called to the counselor.  I also went to the mental hospital.  I don't know if I would have changed schools, but I already changed my lifestyle.  I could have easily but probably wouldn't.  Also, if I wasn't recommended out of voice, I probably would have stayed in college or switched to another subject.  They said I needed like lots of time at home, and I never went back.  I'm stuck with a semester of F's from an online college.  So, what happened was 2 friends visited me, and then they never talked to me again.  I tried e-mailing them a lot.  This was after..  Also, 1 friend's mom convinced me out of wanting to study on my own law and medicine.  I was having a miserable life, though, but it just was disheartening to hear that from someone like her, like I did something wrong and she knew about it.

So, I wonder if that boy wasn't there what I'd look like.  Also, my mom's mom came over.  I never wrote to my cousin there, in Indonesia.  So, I felt bad.  I just forgot because it was so shocking and I had no fancy paper and my parents didn't like buying me anything it seemed, though my grandma complained every Christmas at a certain point that I had everything I needed.  My mom's mom was here the semester before.  My dad's mom came over the summer before I did bad in that one really hard class.  I hadn't gone up north the prior summer to do some activities.  I was in a community college.  No, wait, I was working.

I thought I couldn't change.  There was no ballet where I used to live, and I wasn't as healthy, anymore.  I think my parents wish I went back into gymnastics and got mad I didn't after I took a break.  Then, I couldn't be a cheerleader.  I was gonna do dance team and backed out of flag team my 2nd year.  I probably shouldn't have, but what about my joints?

Oh yea, I wanted to impress that boy, hoping he'd stay, but also my friend from San Fransisco didn't make it, so that's why I couldn't do it.  I became well-liked that year, though.  I became more devilishly reputed, though people didn't seem to realize that.

I guess I got fat because of the summer or something.  I think I looked more like my mom's mom.  I used to look more like the boy, not as fat.

Anyway, I could have done dance team and wish I did more physical activities.

I really now just feel attacked all the time and want to get out.

So, after my mom's mom came over, I didn't go up north to see my dad's mom.

So, I'm mad I got fat and looked different.  I did, however, make the best of things but found myself out of it.  Even my first day of school, I was obese.

I don't know why I looked so bad when I first came over.  I looked worse when I left but not that bad and not fat.  I had a more rounded look.

I probably should have done more physical activity, but it's funny I was already skinny.  I just got a new workout DVD, like I said.  It's ballet, dance, and Pilates.  It's level 2.  It does the whole body.

So, I dunno.  I just went through the emotions and eventually took off, trouble with that class, which I thought to try out for Talented Theater and Talented Music and Talented Art ahead of time, very mad I didn't make Gifted until my 2nd year.  The funny thing is no one wanted to move up a level from taking the advanced class until I went there, and suddenly everyone the grade ahead got in Gifted.  I was the only one in Gifted in my grade in English.  I was with one other girl in Math.

I think the cross country, though good, was too tedious.  I should have also quit martial arts and tennis.  I had fun with it, later, though, though it was a bit stressful.  I still to this day prize, especially tennis, from starting a year and half ahead.

I wonder if I should have taken modern dance or harder ballet.  I changed ballet schools but wish I went to a different one.  The different one didn't have summer camp for my age after college.

I'm happy I did ballet.  I got the DVD I did for workout because the girl on front looked best.