Dream

Okay, the highlight of this dream was I guess I was like not really I guess this was my big chance to talk to Ellen DeGeneres. I guess she was like "lecturing" me somewhat briefly on making it in school. I got depressed I got turned down in education, and she felt sorry for me. It was't just like her. Anyway, I've been thinking of people on my own that don't exist, and I got to feel like someone was rubbing my back and I guess just to be amusing I was mumbling like, "Mom," under my breath.

I guess some other interesting things. My mom took apart my camera and hers was there instead and I tried to film myself flying. I knocked on her door and she didn't open it.

I guess the most exciting part about this dream was it was a lot about after I guess something happened I was with my relatives. It was hard. I had a hard time in my dorm room. I was like in bed like dead with kids around me prodding at me or at least one of them did it. I went into another room kinda partly asleep. I thought I made it to my room but apparently not. This kid came up to me and she was asking me to play, but I just stayed still. Then my dad came in and said he left me a note that I didn't have to take one of my pills and for some reason I was still on them and took them.

I guess the funny thing in this dream about Ellen DeGeneres was, nice having her, that she as a teacher, too, which kinda puzzled me.

It was nice, though, I got to think a person was rubbing my back for awhile, calmed down, finally.

I remember my dad, who I generally didn't touch or shied away from, came and rubbed my back and I didn't really like it. I don't know if my mom does that kind of stuff, but it's hard to talk about her.

So, yea, I was on the floor with that person at their legs.

Um, I dunno, I went to bed wondering about what happened in college after I thought my life had become like an experiment and then I thought it already was. The first semester, maybe I should have thought to come home. I guess the thought didn't enter my mind I was so mad it didn't work out with the construction, maybe my lack of intelligence|brains, and a bad schedule. It might have been caused by somehow me not reading the Honors books in advance. I had some trouble in school before from this one class I was too like shocked to have to try to get out of. The extra semester, I don't remember much but that I suffered a lot. I came home the next semester, probably should not have gone because then I would have gotten a bedroom next to a bathroom. Instead, my brother got it.

So, anyway, when I was talking about the education, it was a really nice setting, kinda dark and private, just a dilapidated existence of a building. I said something like, "It's not really nice when it happens in something like education." I bet it was planned out, though. I'm not sure if I should have gone to college, but it was a big experience, might have been better if I did Voice instead of Piano as a major instrument. I wasn't ready. I wanted to do singing in Talented Music, but we stopped when a Korean girl came back to my class. I was going to be alone. Maybe, the teacher who came it couldn't come in so I couldn't learn it. I had been in choir.

Anyway, this dream was a total nightmare that lasted a long time. I was feeling stiff like I couldn't move. I wonder if I had to or should have got up to go to the bathroom. I've been using it more lately, though, since having soup again, got advice to have veggies with dressing.

So, yes, my dad used to like hug me I guess until well maybe still after I played that game with him. I guess I liked it, but it wasn't the same as like when you get those really sexy teachers or music teachers and stuff. I guess he wasn't as happy after, or maybe I became more bitter. :( I got uglier, too. I guess my mom stopped hugging and kissing me at night when I was 9. Apparently, I didn't know, I used to always wrap my arms around my mom. My teacher said I'd stop, and I was very mad and said no I wouldn't. I didn't even know I was doing that! I admit when I had my parents carry me I did feel embarrassed with other people around, and I find that bad, like I didn't deserve it. No, I didn't really feel very stimulated, but I felt something very powerful, a total change of feeling with my mom, like being safe, nurtured, and at home, but like I was trash. Why did I always feel like trash compared to my mom? With my dad, he seemed agitated that I thought I was perfect. They openly acknowledge I'm good because I'm not like crazy. I don't get mad for fun, like, nor much anymore. I don't get mad in front of them, and I don't get mad often. I try not to get seriously mad, but it probably is healthy to live a little.

So, my mom had like a soft sorta I dunno pastel yet strong colored who knows purplish camera. I guess one of our cameras were taken apart. I was trying to film like I said my flying, but when I saw what I was actually doing I was crawling on my back on the floor, like a demon. It as quite grotesque and schocking, like a horror show.

What was wrong with the scene before the confession was I think after that I felt I had to feel stimulated, but I ended up finding that not to my liking, well to be stimulated in a bad way. I actually was very stimulated when the person was rubbing my back a lot. I guess it was kinda like a circular feeling. I think I could do that, too, but I probably wouldn't be feeling anything. I'd be too afraid to at this point, but I'm sure I could be a whiff of something. So, yea, a nice person. I'd been actually talking to Ellen DeGeneres from her early days, with her different hair, not sure how old she was but older. At first, she was gonna be mad at me, but we like stopped at the same time. I admitted how awful I felt. I felt bad I was rejected, basically, what set me off partly. I didn't know what major to change into. I mean they didn't have something like film. Looking back, it's interesting they connected music to communications. I would have thought more along the lines of theater and was gonna audition, but it was too much. I even overheard the auditions. I think it was a connected business and theater major. I think though music was more serious there, the best major at the school, the only reason I went, if not also for the quality of the ballet program which they actually had. I also said it was because it was Catholic and ranked high and was happy it was in a religious order. They had men staying there, who left after the hurricane, and my last semester I stayed where they stayed.

So, it was funny, the first part, otherwise, quite painful, though. Oh, I remember I was at a lake. It was like this girl was with me. It was more like a crater that was huge, and we could see a large expanse. It was kinda orangey. There was water filled in it, clear and blue, like a moat. I wanted to swim in it with an older lady I made up, and I guess I dunno if I actually got to feel myself swimming in that. I figured on why not just do it like I don't do it and go with one of those kids? ':{

So, when I was still, I was on like a sofa set in a living room, kinda small but not crowded. My mom came in, and I think I responded to her. Oh yes, she had her own camera stand, which was nicer than the one I borrowed from my parents that they had out. I thought they wanted me to, but I should have asked or asked them to get one for me. I don't really know, though. I mean, I would, now, I know.

So, there was more to it than most of what I described, but I think I got most of the highlights. I don't think I did ever settle in really.

So, it was an uncomfortable experience. I've been sleeping a long time, feel better, may go lie down until "The Ellen DeGeneres Show" is on.

I guess I started out in college and then came home to the house full of people. It was so crazy and long, and I felt like weighted down, clumped up, warm, and a little smelly.

It sorta seemed like it connected to the dream where I was at the bed with a window, where the spirit came in and stimulated me where my muscles were built on my hips from exercising, and it felt so good, like not like being touched exactly, like that warm feeling, a bit different. It's not the be all and end all, though, and maybe not as nice. I'm not sure how I got to feeling all warm. I think that's just how I learned to feel. I guess the metally feeling means surprised. I wonder what my parents feel. I figured it was something interesting, something more mature. Maybe more intellectual, even, seeing as who they are.

I guess I admit the nicest part was meeting Ellen DeGeneres and having the nice person rub my back to comfort me or something. I think I had to go up to her and then keep thinking I was calling her mom, not thinking she replaced me like you know having my technical mom. It's just the kind of thing I guess you'd think would be nice. I might have seen people do that, dunno. I'm not sure, but I really wanted to have someone touch me and be awake, so awake like that, for a long time, but I probably needed to be doing something else, like trying to swim in that water.

I guess I enjoyed myself a lot in college up north. I was supposed to take less classes, but I felt tested to take the music history course. I came in late but couldn't keep up. The reading was too hard, and I didn't feel like it. I was upset. If I quit it, I might have made it. I really did enjoy just walking around dreaming and having different things happen to me physically, but I attended to my studies in conducting, diction, voice, and well the organ teacher didn't always make it. Theory was too hard, and I was told like I was talented in Harmony. I tried pretty hard. Good thing I didn't take piano here, too.

I guess it was funny when my dad came in and was critical of me, dumping the pill message next to me. I guess I go crazy with some things. Maybe, I'm not supposed to get mad in private. :( I think he was like, "Are you awake? I guess you're not awake." I'm glad he was awake. I mean, he's sick, now.

Oh, it was so nice to be with a nice person. I guess it really affects you who you're with and who's responsible for what when they're with you and like when someone finally takes responsibility over what happens to you.

I guess it was just a nice warm, exhilerating experience. I just feel totally good like in this dream. I know when I went to bed, I think I had my hand on me. It wasn't on me like weird or something or on a weird part, I mean. It felt kinda the same as in the same thing but not like feeling the same.

I found that people in my life are mad at me and treat me badly because of my race and blame it on me not being perfect! They make it look like they're perfect and that they're good pretending not to be.

I've also thought, I should probably realize my mom is not Caucasian. I keep thinking like her race is, but her family seems a little harsh yet in some ways even mushy. They seem really good, though, like I say, in some ways, but I guess my mom is her own person of her own generation. I just try not to think about it. ^99^ I just don't!

I guess lately, I've gone through some funny feelings, more like thoughts or sounds. ':( It all started with something and then got stifled, I had to stop.

So, I guess seeing what I looked like thinking I flied in real life was neat. It was like dark and reddish.

The bulk of the dream was the kids and feeling tired, really. I don't remember what the end was. I think it was the fact I didn't feel like stimulating myself anymore. It was pretty long-winded and laborious. I'm glad I gave it a rest worrying about someone picking me up. 8| It's funny, I'm with kids in all these dreams but don't really pick them up nor touch them. They're just different around me, like I'm some weirdo. Oh, yes, I think I worried about my brother and sorta woke up. I was careful not to move because I was so peaceful, didn't expect anyone new to come along. I was thinking somehow of how he was and realized I was all muscled over not to be like him. It was that I "already did it."

I guess it was a peculiar dream, interesting, with all the kids. Tim Burton is doing a movie about "Peculiar Children" after a book.

I guess I've said enough about it that I can. In the living room, there was a little TV, too, that wasn't on. It was kinda bleak, bluish or blackish. The sofa was dark blue. I was kinda leaning over with my limbs spread a little. I moved a pen as I heard my dad in the restroom, I think.

That person was sitting on a chair. At first I was like standing up playing with the camera stands. It was interesting that this person was a teacher, too, and sorta did the show, like that I was talking to Ellen DeGeneres. I was surprised to find she was a college teacher there or something. I think it was something like communications, maybe like something social that sounded kinda technical, two courses. I think there was one point in my dream with my dad or maybe in another, though I know he was in this, about 2 words, 1 long, that started with an "f." They were writtin in a long list of alphabetical words.

So, I was fumbling with some ideas with this person, sorta beating the bush, about it. At first, like I've experienced the likes of, it's like, more strongly, I'd get in trouble, but then it was just not, was just the opposite.

I don't know what I'll do today, maybe take a shower after the show. Not sure if I will eat again nor go out. I can work out in my room, maybe go on IMDb and Tumblr and go to bed and maybe wake up early.

So, nice dream. I had an interesting one, that was like a game switching things around that was pleasant I didn't wake up to write about I thought I would.

It's too bad I got upset but am feeling better in a way, as I do when things happen. It was not the worst, though. I've been upset out today but think I'm better. I felt kinda like I might get stimulated in a bad way. Maybe, I should just learn to calm down, not sure what's overcome me. I shouldn't be doing this. I guess maybe I should have slept more, not sure if I need to even work out today.

So, yea, nice dream.