Problems

So, I noticed that since like I've had problems communicating with others that it's the idea, somehow, "that I can talk to others to help them out and teach them but not for enjoyment..." Like, I get to feel loved in some way and appreciated for "what" I do but not who I am. I never did anything weird on purpose to anyone, though. I did like to check myself and was told I was good, not sure if my mom helped instill that sentiment. Not sure if my dad would have liked it. He likes my mom compared to me. So, it comes as a shock that behind my back people went and did that and didn't give me a chance, to be like acknowledged, ever|again.

I've explained what. One was about not writing to my cousin, in Indonesia, until I was 25. I thought my mom didn't make it easy for me to remember. Another was, not as big a deal, I e-mailed people I knew a lot when I was like locked in my room, too tired to do anything and not acknowledged racially by anyone anywhere, for the most part. What else? Oh yes, I told my dad, "Oh, no," when he came home when I was 11 as a joke and didn't say why so as to appear cool. It was because I was sad I was still doing my homework, really, though maybe there were admitted fun tones of sarcasm. These aren't really things I want to do nor would do now. I just was confused, couldn't think right, too much in my life not like comfortable. I felt better after taking gymnastics and then quitting. I didn't know if it'd be worth it to go back. It seems I changed a lot since getting a really strict, different teacher who was fired. She was creative, too. I think my life was already gyped, though. I notice these days that fat people eencourage you to be like them and so dark people. I don't think anyone did that before, maybe some problems with skin preferences but not sure.

I wish I was on my own, but it seems I was made to not be able to do that. I am not really comfortable. I feel pressured with enthusiasm about my dad feeling like he's being strict to me and before my mom, when it's just correcting my thoughts. It's not a fun experience. I am not really thinking wrongly. I'm just learning, like a person. I just always wanted to fit in, have a good time, and do the right thing.

It seems that I could interact with people more. I have good dreams, but that might be from others's influence. I wish I had like my own house connected to my parents's.

It really does annoy me, though, the irritating overtone that I am just being used for my intelligence and not being treated like a person. I've never been given a chance and always told I was good and that there was nothing to fix.

Also, I am totally not into people checking in on me because they might take anger out on me and not others in a way that's unfair. I've worked so hard to be who I am, and no one really cares, except I think some friends I've gotten close to. They seemed annoyed at how good I was, sometimes liked me a lot, though. They've hurt me, in different ways... I guess, though, that they just have that problem and that I have to find some way to change my life and hope I feel better soon...