Imperfect

So, I thought my life was an experiment, so, no I didn't feel as guilty as I would. I was made to think that nothing mattered and it was all fake. So, who would get mad? My intent was actually thinking in my mind to do well in school. So, I went to Washington, D.C., and I was just too elated but mainly had troubles walking to get food. I was so tired thinking my life was an experiment. So, I ran out of fuel there, pretty much. It was pretty painful. The teacher asked me more than once if I knew where I was getting lunch - wait, if - and I said no. But I did! I dunno. Anyway, I had to walk to the nearest place, which was the bottom floor of the church. Or, I ate at teh cafe sometimes..

Okay, so, then I went up north during the hurricane. I was gonna do fine in New Orleans. They had taken me out of my major, though, and voice. Not sure why I bothered returning not in voice and also not in Music Education. Up north, I found because of past education I could not concentrate and read at all there, though in New Orleans the reading, though I spent too much time on it, was very easy. There was so much tiny text up there! However, I was well-accepted, very much, as a person, and like in Harmony privately told like how I was like talented or something. I also did Theory, Conducting, Diction, Organ, and Voice. Fortunately for me, the organ teacher wasn't always there. I had trouble in voice because of my depleting health from the experiment. They told me to quit something but didn't seem like to point at History. So, some things happene dto me physically and I ended up well already believing I was in like an existence where everything was Heaven and more complex than you could imagine, in the form of like intelligence and controlling things through the air and creating environments. I experienced magical things I've gone into and may touch on later. I was determined I had to do something to get into Heaven or I would risk ceasing to exist. I tried to do school. Oh yes, I was also in Choir. So, if it weren't for History and maybe the connecting the Theory, I'd be okay. I did come in late after the hurricane. I don't know, I just had it and didn't know what to do. I knew I would fail the History test and something happened to me physically. I couldn't get out of bed for 3 days and couldn't reach either phone. I couldn't pee, neither. I had to go kinda badly at the start. It was a weird feeling. I guess that was irresponsible to not go back to class. I don't know how magical that was. I don't know what I thought. The magic had worn off by then. Maybe, I was depressed about History. Why would life suddenly be real again? I'm already convinced there is a solution for us all if only we accept all ways of being. It seems if I did that and my life were perfecter, it would have worked and I would be happy. My mom wanted me to go back. It was free.

Okay, so, I guess I should now touch on New Orleans. I couldn't concentrate because of the construction workers and was too disgruntled to think of withdrawing and was attending ballet. So, I switched dorms for an extra hurricane make-up semester. I was in pain and thought I heard noises all the time and screamed and got sent to the police. I've never been in that much pain in my life, well maybe. Then, the fall, I did come home. In the fall, I tried picking a major, again. Wait, I had to.

So, about up north, I dunno. I guess I should have gone home earlier. I think I had enough, but the funny thing was the environment was so dreamy and like symbolic, but things weren't perfect, in a way. I'd never been up north in that area and never that long, and it was quite an experience and to think everything was really magic after thinking my life was an experiment. I didn't really get why my life was an experiment. I was made to feel obligated, not only to write, but to check all the license plates, which wasn't supposed to get in the way but did, and to like read all the people, what they all wore and stuff eventually. Wait, I did that in the summer, too, all the tourists in Key West. Somehow, it made sense, or was it really that many people? It didn't really make sense, but I figured out what it was technically. Ugh! It wasn't supposed to wear me out, but cars galore! Esp. when I was up north. It was so magical there. I walked around town for exercise all night, and the teachers saw me they said. They seemed to approve of it a lot, really. Like, I would walk from 9PM|12AM-daybreak. I remember also nights waking up in the bitter cold grabbing a snack from the machine somehow and making it to all the classes.

If it really interests you, I heard and still hear things like they're there but they're not there. So, up north, I dunno, there were sounds that I don't think could be broadcasted like that. I had visions in my head, but I couldn't see them well. I had lots of visions. My obsessions were not about picking people up but fucking them, moms to baby girls. People were all glittery. I didn't do that in class. I was hoping it wasn't getting in the way. It wasn't constant. I also imagined the way people were and stuff, judging them moreso I mean, dunno. They didn't turn into characters, I think. I even saw this very complex mechanical bug, rather large, sitting on the floor of the laundry room. It disappeared, though, into a tile. I was so mad. I am pretty sure I saw a real bug bounce a few times across the piano. I imagined like people vaccuuming were people I knew in real life playing people who supposedly existed from the experiment! So, some of it was weird. It was so fun going to the place to eat healthy stuff. I just feel a bit knocked out to remember ... oh yes, I was calculating relationships between families from the experiment and somehow it calculated in. This is when I walked around at night alone when like not many people were around that area. I know there was a pizza place opened all night. So, if I quit History, I think I could have made it, though. I walked around for my health, and it became necessary in New Orleans, where there wasn't as many places to walk. I wish I had a handle on all the things I learned even more. I saw things like body shapes and stuff. I felt the idea of the snow and being very very white racially. The cold was like the coldest cold you could stand. I left in November, no snow. Too bad I don't have the picture of me on Halloween when I used my red hoodie as Little Red Riding Hood. So, it was an improvement of the experiment. I did not like the experiment. 8| I'm convinced that this is all a dream. I mean, I know it matters and it's real...of course? I came back down south to live life like I knew it, like I was a real, physical, biological person. I mean, I was a physical person up north.

Ah, yes, must add more. I felt a feeling of more pain than I could ever stand but not in a physical like clinical way. I was walking. I just couldn't stand it, the thought of a mother being tortured. I was like swerving as I was walking. I thought of things like that. I dunno. I have drawings still. Middle Easterns were a figure in my experiment. Middle Easterners, as I remember to say aloud. At first, I felt better in some ways. Then, I began to feel more worn or like not really but like also removed, in a good way. I might have gotten better at some things in shcool. Also, my roommate left. Oh yes, sometimes I would lie in bed and could not move, and I had my arms crossed over me. My hands hurt so much like drying up! I mean the bones, though. Ouch! It felt better after, like I was alive. Also, once one arm was glued over my eyes, and the other forearm, the right one, started to grow a foot and back. It hurt so much, I think when it grew back. Oooooooooow! Another one of the worst things I've felt. There was blood under both armpits, and the right one it lasted for a week. There was no pain there, though. So, when I was in bed for 3 days, my back turned into jelly. I had to whoops be careful for my head so my neck wouldn't snap, but, you know, I totally had a feel for what I was doing. It was very easy, kinda funny. I smiled and like laughing. So, I knew I'd get better. Dunno why. Then for 3 days I was there, smelly, like death, in a comical way. I imagined, and this lasted for at least more than a week, that there were 3 devils that belonged to me, for some reason, it came. One on my right was Tom, I think, a hairy one with breasts and a male part. Then, there was a red devil in a mist at my feet, a big muscular one, evil, though it turned out just comedical but sorrowful, you know like it was a joke. It would suck in there, and it felt so good, not as in I felt a whole lot but something weird. Then, on my left, by the wall, a character I heard as I walked around actually, was this typical figure, like a cartoon, a black devil with a big head and like crossed eyes with blue whites and little black balls. A thin body. I remember once it said, "I'll save you from falling down, Christina. I'll save you from falling up." I couldn't get over it and felt insulted. It seemed to go with me some places, and I was mad when it left when I was with ... "What sociologist?" It was like my best buddy, so close. I identified with it. Also, in the other room, I thought I clearly heard a TV of a devil sucking I think my breasts. I got very supple, milky looking breasts. I even have a picture. It said, like more is that all you got and had this cartoonish such entertaining, soothing sucking. I think I heard Hitler arguing with Jesus, to enough extent.

I felt a lot of things, though, from this particular experience. I do have the feeling no one can kill me, that it won't happen or that something would happen that I could come back or exist in my ideal world.

So, I had all these physical pleasures, though I also was irritated a lot. I often imagined like the whole world was this complex thing of Johnny Depp as Willy Wonka, like the sound of something in the room, reminding me of a chain lifting. I felt one time like a magical pool, thought I heard a man say, "Did you see the pool?" That was the "best" feeling but not my favorite and so maybe not really the best... The best feeling I guess was being blown through. Supposedly, it was to make me fly to heaven and I felt like I was floating. I did this a lot of times. I can't do it here.

When I came home, we had moved, and I always thought I was with these magical creatures and that people existed who were all these characters. I guess it was neat that I imagined I was like in this huge apartment complex and people were blowing out candles for their Orlando birthday. Like one candle I think per person. Like, when you first move there, that's how you feel, supposedly. I seem to think that not everyone experienced this as believing it as magic. I remember that like there was a water dog and some other things. I was assigned to one of three things I think, and 2 were under water. I used to jog around the lake. This dyed away.

So, in conclusion, I regret it all, but I think the magical part came itself. I'm glad to have gotten out of the experiment. I would go around in children's dresses with overcoats that came with them and even work out in them and in my outing shoes. I think I failed because a bus never came and I was going to get more clothes because it was too cold. They even gave me supplies, a blanket, a sweater, and some other things, a CD from the College of Music I attended. I remember shopping in Orlando for the clothes. When I got to Orlando, I suppose the nature of the experiment solidified. In the experiment, I went through thoughts of being the youngest with gold hair. I think this was when I went to Orlando. In the New Orleans area ... well in college it was about love ... then when I went home in the area, it was about real people. Then, there were other people. I went up north and those people dissolved into other things, other people. Well, I guess not all, and some became more prominent taht weren't even prominent in my life. The people from before took a back seat. It was more about peers and creating families which included having relatives. So, I was constantly thinking about hair color and eye color and skin tone being like cream and stuff like that. I think mine was gold but with a pale face. I mean, my palms and the bottom of my feet are like coral pink. They used to really look coral, I know my feet, before the "n" word thing. It was a pretty strong thing. I'm pretty mad about it. I mean, I didn't do anything. I was like signaled to do it and already thought my life was an experiment. What do you think this means to me? Now, I don't have these hues! I've had them for awhile! I'm like dead, now, for some reason, after the New Orleans experience and not being able to stand the noise at home. It was my mom, though she's nice to me now. My brother did it, too. My dad became racist to me in the end. I barely think of myself. I think it's because of where I live. So, that's that. There was a reason. I was like in check with how I felt at shcool, always a reason. Also, when I looked at a page nubmer, it wasn't there. So, I guess I lost track of things, was disappointed things changed and it wasn't really an experiment but like a living hell where things seemed to have higher intelligence. I remember up north I had the feeling I was just born, too. It was after tumbling out of bed a few times, I think. Orlando is amazing, too, though, but I feel sorry for the people in ways and hope they get out their frustrations and learn how to live to improve their health eventually, find a way, before they kill me. 8^. So, it was weird. I think the ballet kept me there. There was a recital first semester, and I did 2 ballet programs, the day one and the night one. A lot of really good people left, though, after hte hurricane. So, I don' tknow if I could leave. The last semester, I got out of walking a few miles to be a miad in "The Nutcracker." The maid #1, which I was 2, was in a role with the Butler, who was in the company, and I think had a solo and something else maybe. So, I was just in so much pain the 2nd semster of this trial period in New Orleans and was like crawling to the offices, too, begging to get back into my major, Music Education with Voice lessons on the side, though I got in as Piano and Organ, failed the first audition with Voie and retried with Piano and did a separate Organ audition since it wasn't big. Ugh! It was a good experience, though, not sure which semester was more exciting now. I really tried, but like nothing was there that I studied in religion. History was hard, but it was an interesting class to sit through. I don't think I can sit through anymore classes, and I'm not really sure why. I feel too bothered by everyone around me. I can't work, neither. I'm not healthy enough, yet! 8^. I would prefer to go to college or maybe I mean eventually want to be a movie actor. I feel sorta worn down as a normal person. I just started getting healthier! People don't get that I deserve to accept that I'm worn out, now feel like kinda like dying in some way but not like physically so, not sure there, after the guilt trip for college, which seemed to be a telepathic onset, I didn't feel good, after the 3 days in bed missing the History test, really. 8^.

So, I wish that I took less classes up north or tired to be a movie actor before it was too late! I felt likeI could live forever until thsi happened, andit's because I was made to feel guilty. I know the magic wore away, though, after the 3 days in bed, as though I failed to make it. I got fat when I decided to eat chocolate one or two days, actually. 8^. I never got back on track. I got even fatter in New Orleans from ballet and no gym. Oh well.

So, it wasn't worth it, in this way. Music was good. They did have film and said you could use it to act. (IT was probably like film history and the various other things, like some directing courses etc.) I was looking at Musical Theater, when my mom came up to get me, we watched a cute show, with some cute moving. '8^) You know, though, I'm really tired writing all this.

I must also add, now, that I went around New Orleans in pain all the time, I think the 2nd semester. I would hear things in my ear, like people clicking. No, wait, also the 1st semseter. Like, hateful clicking. I had the feeling it would stop if I went home. However, I also heard things that were like not from any sound source, just there. How about this...

Work ... Out
Work ... Now
In Slim, in Slim
Open Up ... Open Up

Over and Over! It was very annoying, but then I missed it. I was just mad that this was all happening because it was unfair to me. Why would I go home and do absolutely nothing now?

I saw things, too, like a bird carrying a sack of a person whose eyes were googling out, supposed to be someone or 2 people I knew. It was so annoying, I couldn't stand this!

I was able to treat myself to some pizza delivered and out. Not enough food! I gave up money up north to buy toys, but my mom took them in the apartment storage and I never saw them again. Up there, I got smoothies, too, and wraps.

Really, though, in my ear! It sounded unearthly, too...

For awhile, in Orlando, I felt things, too. I couldn't move nor escape my predicament and felt like little miners coming and ticking at me, literally, almost could see this happening, a huge nightmare. I also dreamed up or saw rather like a skinny head with a square body, which I saw in a movie, except in the form of a cowboy, with a jittering cigarette. And a jittering gun. This was so big. We kept imagining all these characters. There were different worlds. One was the Halloween world. Well, spooky world, witches and magic and stuff, well not magical magical. Then there's Disney, the like stage performances and bally people. Then, there's 2 western places, one with the like short sexy lady and then the one with the yippee yo kay a very jumpy and overly present people. I think in that world the kids would tackle stuff. I think the adults had like a gun that didn't really kill them or possibly a lasso. I think in the other west, the people had these machines. They were like getting in trouble or someting for talking to me. I think I remember the girls in it were kinda like maybe had like raggedy anne looks with bangs and stuff. 8^. I'm feeling kinda weird. So, also, after this died down, I felt swirling in my stomach. It died down eventually, AS I got on line. I knwo I experienced a lot of pain from people. I remember thinking seeing "Greece?" "Hercules" was realistic or something. I was entertained much by the ducks, thinking they were people from the first experiment and characters invented - oh my gosh - I forgot about that! There were 2 people from the New Orleans area, my 3rd high school. Always going around was the idea of like what are you made of. Like, you have a bottom and a top basically, an outside and an inside. You are made of pee, milk, or blackness of nothing. I became ... milk on the outside and black on the inside and still am to this day. It's quite established in me. Supposedly, like, I know, in Disney I think it was something like the adults and kids each had reverse one side was pee and the other was milk. It was about the relationship of picking them up. The same went for the Western places. :| So, I remember there were some people in my dream otherwise, too, remember a guy with like black maybe Hercules hair drinking down like hot pepper or hot sauce. It was so gross. And it made these makes of people sick, you might call them, like, though, they were individuals, too. There was the idea that some were evil, like these very thin, skinny girls, but then they were good. I was in pain this whole time from being fat. It was my second time bloating. I'm still bloated to this day, hoping to get down finally. It's quite painful to be this bloated, anyone'd say, though I'm not really fat. It's just, I've accumulated fat so many times since quitting gymnastics at age 9. IT did thin me out and make me look less Chinese and more European I guess. It was so painful to gain fat. I grew upo tinking I had to always exercise and that I didn't enough because of transportation, money, and programs.

I remember, now, there was also this thing where there was this creature a black bug with lots of red eyes, and I experienced it being turned around in pain and being tortured all the time. I even felt it in New Orleans. I had problems with that up there at first.

Well, that about covers it. Might I add I saw Bolero on TV with this like goo moving along of coke and then this ape with fire and then marching along in progress. It was so annoying (but I liked it) ... I liked it a lot and miss it and tried to find it I think ... so long, this coke crawling along, maybe dripping out of its bottle. It was so funny then you se an ape get fire. Then, there were all these otehr things.

Well, I just wish that things went better, that I took less classes, and that I knew when I should come home. Mabye ge ta degree? Too alte to do that on time. May as well give up. Or I could try to finish it at home, but dorm is better than trasnportioatn, and I wanted to be at home. I would not have even gone to college, I thought, but maybe it was better to get on my feet. I got the 2nd highest scholarship and would be allwoed free up north. My mom was so mad I didn't go back... I could ahve done voice. I wanted New Olreans and I guess maybe mainly eys the ballet. New Orelans is nice, but I'm used to it. I mean, I coulnd't have done voice.

I'll have to work on figuring out waht to do, but I feel too old to enjoy college and want to be a movie actor. For money, I guess I'll have to pay back when I am not sick. True, I am sitting here watching "The Ellen DeGeneres Show," but I'd otherwise be posting online until I feel nursed back to health. Things have come up, but I hope things get better.