Thursday, September 20, 2012
What to Do
It's funny there's nothing really relaxing online to do. I guess I'll go lie on my couch. I don't feel like clean and good. Maybe, I need a bath. I was too tired to go exercise.
Fat
I used to hide behind a little fat, for some reason. I dunno, I'm not sure what I think of myself, but I didn't want to be how I was before, exactly, not sure how I could change that now.
Skinny Peoples
I have a strange habit of noticing people I'm skinnier than, basically, or was and sorta saying I don't need them because I'm skinnier and I'd be better if my life weren't as hard.
Feelings
It seems that people get off what's interesting to poke at our feelings like because they've already molded theirs a certain way.
People
I'm so mad right now. Just because my mom made me forget to write my cousin, it seems that like it's so important. Whenever I'm not considered perfect, others suffer. It shouldn't even come up. I didn't do it on purpose. I just was made to forget. I find that people not from Florida, while dysfunctional, are able to knock me out. I don't like people who are sarcastic and take my word and twist it around to fight back at me, too. EVeryone knows that if someone does something supposedly for you that you owe them back. I find that I'm able to knock people out in certain ways, too. PEople ... Also, while I think all people should safely be considered victims of their environment, I don't think they are perfect nor that I approve of their racism towrard me. Maybe, they seem perfect, but it's hard to say that like it's not being spoiled.
My Life
I learned a lot in my life, but other people seem to know what I should do.
I guess people just don't understand the incredible racism faced on me that messed up my thinking. I was pretty safe.
It's like I never really lived and was always considered menial to others.
I don't like how people are onto me privately like I'm a bad person, like boring into me painfully.
I guess in Orlando, there are a lot of people from up north.
I never had a chance and was judged for being weird, basically.
Maybe, it's because I didn't write to my cousin, but I thought my mom made me forget. I don't want her to get in trouble for influencing me and not making my life comfortable, while other people are spoiled dumb.
My parents pretty much just lived pressuring me making me feel watched and stuff like I didn't have to live, not interacting with me, not letting me be with others much at all, feeling mocked all the time. I probably wasn't comfortable at conception.
I hope that people who were interested in me learn to back off my case. Obviously, people are not perfect.
Well, I find I am still in the same place and wish that people would get along and get what they want in life.
I am hoping that I can eradicate my position somehow. I couldn't finish college nor think to change my major.
I don't believe in reminding me of things constantly that I didn't do on purpose. Like, things are so important that I mess up on and so personal. That just doesn't make sense. I know people who make mistakes for wrong reasons, not like because they are crazy.
People know people get insulted for being on my side, cut to the quick like it's nothing and there's no point fighting back.
I just need to be independent, but I don't feel healthy yet and am unsure of when and how I will. I am not sure what work-outs will work well enough for what I'm used to like growing up as a young person, the same challenges.
People want to submit to my parents discplining me like in signals rather than openly letting me say I fixed myself, too, and that's just wrong, you know, the way they do that, too.
So, yes, I wish my life went better and that I didn't owe anyone anything.
I guess I'm just mad that I didn't remember to write my cousin back, maybe because I had problems. It seems that's affected my self-esteem.
I pretty much have been a pretty private person. I don't know if it was the influence of others, but I built myself some sort of personality, I think. Basically, I kept to myself from earlier on. As time went on, things became nostalgic, though, and I used to wave and say hi to people and it was neat. I guess what pained me post was wearing glasses and like getting fatter, which I got glasses first. I was in pain even before the incident I mentioned...
I guess I don't know what influenced me to be who I was. I am so mad that it's as though I didn't do it myself, but the truth is I did. See, I was like I was before, and then I changed into someone else. I changed back, again, more improved, but it was't for the reasons you'd think. It's too bad I don't have the right pictures. I had some videos, too, from a hurricane, not sure where this material would be.
I realize that others's lives have sucked, as well, and I am sorry for this and wish them better. I know that pretty much life for others has been based off the fact I messed up, too, but I'm all for people being rewarded and living, never too old.
I guess people just don't understand the incredible racism faced on me that messed up my thinking. I was pretty safe.
It's like I never really lived and was always considered menial to others.
I don't like how people are onto me privately like I'm a bad person, like boring into me painfully.
I guess in Orlando, there are a lot of people from up north.
I never had a chance and was judged for being weird, basically.
Maybe, it's because I didn't write to my cousin, but I thought my mom made me forget. I don't want her to get in trouble for influencing me and not making my life comfortable, while other people are spoiled dumb.
My parents pretty much just lived pressuring me making me feel watched and stuff like I didn't have to live, not interacting with me, not letting me be with others much at all, feeling mocked all the time. I probably wasn't comfortable at conception.
I hope that people who were interested in me learn to back off my case. Obviously, people are not perfect.
Well, I find I am still in the same place and wish that people would get along and get what they want in life.
I am hoping that I can eradicate my position somehow. I couldn't finish college nor think to change my major.
I don't believe in reminding me of things constantly that I didn't do on purpose. Like, things are so important that I mess up on and so personal. That just doesn't make sense. I know people who make mistakes for wrong reasons, not like because they are crazy.
People know people get insulted for being on my side, cut to the quick like it's nothing and there's no point fighting back.
I just need to be independent, but I don't feel healthy yet and am unsure of when and how I will. I am not sure what work-outs will work well enough for what I'm used to like growing up as a young person, the same challenges.
People want to submit to my parents discplining me like in signals rather than openly letting me say I fixed myself, too, and that's just wrong, you know, the way they do that, too.
So, yes, I wish my life went better and that I didn't owe anyone anything.
I guess I'm just mad that I didn't remember to write my cousin back, maybe because I had problems. It seems that's affected my self-esteem.
I pretty much have been a pretty private person. I don't know if it was the influence of others, but I built myself some sort of personality, I think. Basically, I kept to myself from earlier on. As time went on, things became nostalgic, though, and I used to wave and say hi to people and it was neat. I guess what pained me post was wearing glasses and like getting fatter, which I got glasses first. I was in pain even before the incident I mentioned...
I guess I don't know what influenced me to be who I was. I am so mad that it's as though I didn't do it myself, but the truth is I did. See, I was like I was before, and then I changed into someone else. I changed back, again, more improved, but it was't for the reasons you'd think. It's too bad I don't have the right pictures. I had some videos, too, from a hurricane, not sure where this material would be.
I realize that others's lives have sucked, as well, and I am sorry for this and wish them better. I know that pretty much life for others has been based off the fact I messed up, too, but I'm all for people being rewarded and living, never too old.
My Hard Life
I felt like I could keep going but was stopped. I felt I wanted what was different than what I got and that I was judged by how I was raised compared to the strengths of others.
Why I'm Interesting - or Why I Was Interesting
I guess what's interesting about me is I am from Fort Lauderdale, grew up in the area first and remember it well, though I was only up to age 5. So, when we lived in Northeastern Florida, it was more urban, still "Florida," the east coast. There was a girl from L.A. who'd be like the most famous girl in the world, born 4 months after me. She had white hair and blue eyes and looked very good. Funny thing I guess no one liked her because she was younger. She didn't want to be my friend. My hair got much lighter that year, but I moved away and it wasn't the same. So, I connected to her well. I had spoken with her. The only time she came up to me was to borrow a pen. That year was so cool in the end, 1997-1998, not sure why. Oh, yes, my brother's class, I used to help out with. When they went to music class, they said hi to me and I waved back. That was neat. I think that's why I said that thing to my dad, but I wonder why I didn't write back to my cousin.
So, that girl like guided the class. She was new. I had been there for 2 years prior. I feel all L.A.-ed but that it's because I'm from Southwestern and Northeastern Florida.
I think I was pretty interesting when I was a very young girl, too. When my brother was born, though, my hair was cut to my shoulders and then I wasn't interesting. I grew it longer as almost a pre-teen or when I hit puberty.
It seems my life has always been about if I get an attitude since my brother was born or maybe before that I wasn't in line. However, I experienced a deep cut of racism that others don't have to go through.
So, that girl like guided the class. She was new. I had been there for 2 years prior. I feel all L.A.-ed but that it's because I'm from Southwestern and Northeastern Florida.
I think I was pretty interesting when I was a very young girl, too. When my brother was born, though, my hair was cut to my shoulders and then I wasn't interesting. I grew it longer as almost a pre-teen or when I hit puberty.
It seems my life has always been about if I get an attitude since my brother was born or maybe before that I wasn't in line. However, I experienced a deep cut of racism that others don't have to go through.
My Life!
I don't know why it's such a big deal some things I did in the past. People act like I made them do stuff and all that.. I never had enough privacy. I always had a sense of discomfort. I haven't felt right since I thought my life was an experiment. I find the obstacle is that people think I did something wrong. I guess I can think of maybe 1 or 2 big things for you to be the honest judge of and comparing me to if I can function. I don't know when, but I didn't write back to my cousin in Indonesia, and neither did my brother to the other cousin, who is younger. I just forgot. I even thought my mom made me forget. I just sensed that was true. I was supposed to make myself think of it, too, but I don't see how that would be possible. Like, they sent this really nice stationary and are pretty neat and stuff, and my parents didn't like buying stuff for me all the time and it's not like we went out to shop just anytime. So, this was when I was possibly 7-8. I wrote back, though, when I was 25. I had troubles from time to time and as a young adult, thinking my life was an experiment. Then, when I was in 6th grade, I guess my life had gotten miserable to epic proportions, in my judgement. I don't see why it's such a big deal because my parents were encouraging that my rude friends were better than me, especially my mom, it seemed. So, I just wanted to be funny and when my dad came home from work, I'd say, "Oh, no," because I was so sad I wasn't done with my homework and couldn't get to know him. I didn't say why because it wasn't "cool." After maybe a week, my mom told me to stop. I gained weight for the first time in my life. My mom didn't take us on walks anymore, and I stayed up even later doing homework, from feeling so bad. I mean, I wouldn't do it, now. It's just another mistake, and, if I understand correctly, most people actually make mistakes all the time.
"Gay" People
People in homosexual marriages don't usually have children, so I don't quite know what to think.
Ellen DeGeneres's Family Life
http://youtu.be/KyMx477-wxI
So, I was watching this interview and was disappointed to find that she didn't have kids but probably would want some herself.
So, I was watching this interview and was disappointed to find that she didn't have kids but probably would want some herself.
Bad PEople
People have been playing around with me a lot lately, just saying I don't deserve this and that. I've always been told I was a good person. I've been told I was too good, and now people think they're better than me and I don't deserve to exist and that I'm imperfect because I've messed up. Those times were hard, though.
Dream
Only the other person than Ellen DeGeneres's younger pictures stimulated me.
Also, I think after I saw her, it turned out to be my aunt, at the computer.
Also, I think after I saw her, it turned out to be my aunt, at the computer.
Dream
Before I had this dream, I was able to feel from another person I made up kinda, which was kinda weird, and I guess it was kinda a direct feeling. I used to do that all the time.
Dream
Okay, so this wasn't perverted, yet unexpected.
It's hard to remember very early on. So, there were some other girls around my age or 20 and I in Ellen DeGeneres's house. I guess I was special to her sine I followed her, most. I Was on the floor with them in front of a TV, which seemed to have like words on like kinda technical and old-fashioned more. I was sitting with my knees up, and she came up to me and said, "Here's some popcorn," and put it in the crack of my lap, which affected me very much, I think in that area. It sorta lingered. No metally feeling. I tasted the popcorn a lot, pretty salty and warm. Next thing I remember I was asleep in a similar place on the floor and was curled up in a ball. She completely lifted me off the floor under my arms, which made me fell a lot, and said "get up" because apparently I had to go to the bathroom, I was in a ball. I did when I woke up. I had just woken up before that.
So, I don't remember what it felt like, now, I mean I do but don't feel it nor feel it's very important to.
I know next I was outside a kinda fancy apartment, one building with huge windows up and down, which were empty I took pictures by. My relatives were there. I shouted out about the vaccuum. My grandma was near. I ended up doing it, on the streets. I was off for some reason and back. I think my grandma was going around doing something. There was a big sign at the window. It turned into something risky for som reason, don't remember what.
I guess before that, I was with Ellen DeGeneres and someone else and thinking about 2 peoples's younger pictures, which stimulated me for some reason. I felt comforted by them, more with Ellen DeGeneres in the area. It was dark and wet probably, but I was just "there." Then, the first scene I described happened.
I guess what was most memorable was the feeling of beeing sheltered in my dream by what was represented as "Ellen DeGeneres." So, I felt very close, yet obstacled. Okay, so she was in this dream a person keeping special watch over me. For some reason, I felt stabilized, evne on my own, probably because of the strength my mom had me grow up with. For some reason, I guess, she understood me pretty well but apparently was also figuring out her relationship with me. It was just so nice, like I guess I was there for some reason with other people, not in some nice place alone and more contained. She was so comforting. When she was alone with me and picked me up, which I really felt, which who knows maybe it was real, she was so like cuddly and stuff but not mushy. It's like I was so special and not a baby baby but like innocent yet smart. I guess it is something special to do things with others for reasons other than just doing them and you happen to do them and like you have more privacy and stuff. Like, when you finally meet someone. I probably, as I do in general in things like this.., like a feeling of kicking my legs back, though except I did want to go to the bathroom, like wanted to stay with her. It wasn't bad. I guess it happens all the time, I mean, just noticed it this time physically as a reaction. It's just the way things are, in general, for people. The other girls were kinda dark, thin, and muscle-less, rounded, with like an inch of fat sticking out on them like blubber. They were taller and leaner than me. It was nice when I was given the popcorn, too. I think there was a lot more of her in this movie. I mean dream. I don't remember it.
But, yea, I had a very special relationship and at least 2 points of "physical" contact, which made a big difference.
It's hard to remember very early on. So, there were some other girls around my age or 20 and I in Ellen DeGeneres's house. I guess I was special to her sine I followed her, most. I Was on the floor with them in front of a TV, which seemed to have like words on like kinda technical and old-fashioned more. I was sitting with my knees up, and she came up to me and said, "Here's some popcorn," and put it in the crack of my lap, which affected me very much, I think in that area. It sorta lingered. No metally feeling. I tasted the popcorn a lot, pretty salty and warm. Next thing I remember I was asleep in a similar place on the floor and was curled up in a ball. She completely lifted me off the floor under my arms, which made me fell a lot, and said "get up" because apparently I had to go to the bathroom, I was in a ball. I did when I woke up. I had just woken up before that.
So, I don't remember what it felt like, now, I mean I do but don't feel it nor feel it's very important to.
I know next I was outside a kinda fancy apartment, one building with huge windows up and down, which were empty I took pictures by. My relatives were there. I shouted out about the vaccuum. My grandma was near. I ended up doing it, on the streets. I was off for some reason and back. I think my grandma was going around doing something. There was a big sign at the window. It turned into something risky for som reason, don't remember what.
I guess before that, I was with Ellen DeGeneres and someone else and thinking about 2 peoples's younger pictures, which stimulated me for some reason. I felt comforted by them, more with Ellen DeGeneres in the area. It was dark and wet probably, but I was just "there." Then, the first scene I described happened.
I guess what was most memorable was the feeling of beeing sheltered in my dream by what was represented as "Ellen DeGeneres." So, I felt very close, yet obstacled. Okay, so she was in this dream a person keeping special watch over me. For some reason, I felt stabilized, evne on my own, probably because of the strength my mom had me grow up with. For some reason, I guess, she understood me pretty well but apparently was also figuring out her relationship with me. It was just so nice, like I guess I was there for some reason with other people, not in some nice place alone and more contained. She was so comforting. When she was alone with me and picked me up, which I really felt, which who knows maybe it was real, she was so like cuddly and stuff but not mushy. It's like I was so special and not a baby baby but like innocent yet smart. I guess it is something special to do things with others for reasons other than just doing them and you happen to do them and like you have more privacy and stuff. Like, when you finally meet someone. I probably, as I do in general in things like this.., like a feeling of kicking my legs back, though except I did want to go to the bathroom, like wanted to stay with her. It wasn't bad. I guess it happens all the time, I mean, just noticed it this time physically as a reaction. It's just the way things are, in general, for people. The other girls were kinda dark, thin, and muscle-less, rounded, with like an inch of fat sticking out on them like blubber. They were taller and leaner than me. It was nice when I was given the popcorn, too. I think there was a lot more of her in this movie. I mean dream. I don't remember it.
But, yea, I had a very special relationship and at least 2 points of "physical" contact, which made a big difference.
Personality
People think what I got from my friends doesn't count and that you should do it from birth and that you have control over it.
,:o
Why are people so harsh on me, literally?
Also, when I do something wrong, it's because of something that's not my fault. I'm already a properly functioning ... person!
Also, when I do something wrong, it's because of something that's not my fault. I'm already a properly functioning ... person!
Ellen DeGeneres. :|
So, I was thinking, in bed, about stuff ... relatives ... then Ellen DeGeneres. :| I was astounded. Her mom's last name might be Jewish, but it may be Austrian, though it doesn't say she is. I think I have Jewish last names from my dad. Anyway, supposedly, it's the same as my mom being Asian, Chinese-Indonesian. So, I was beginning to relate. My dad's last name is Normwan-Welsh-Irish, Norman being common, Viking-French, as in Norwegian Viking! I'm not Norwegian, but my grandma has Norman-Irish and Norman-English. Then, though, I realized that maybe in some ways it's like she's younger. That's fine, but it probably would make her mad that I think that. It is possible to not be
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Frazzled
I'm feeling okay, want to go to bed, kinda would like to eat but probably too tired. Am feeling better from the good food. It'll be awhile if I recover. I don't know why I just didn't make it to the grocery store just a little sooner. I got my workout DVD yesterday and am doing better from it. I was thinking of going online and watching Ellen DeGeneres videos, but I might try to go to bed, instead. :|
I hope I have a good dream about something exciting, something complicated but that I can remember and that I wake up and write about it all.
I should probably lie down and think of something and post it.
I hope I have a good dream about something exciting, something complicated but that I can remember and that I wake up and write about it all.
I should probably lie down and think of something and post it.
Problem
It seems people have taken time into dynamic proportions, and who knows what triggered what. It seemed orchestrated, to me. It's stuff that happens to everyone. I've made my suggestion. The only thing different about me is that I ended up calling someone who was only almost 2 the "n" word, but I didn't do it by deciding I was the one who decided I wanted it for that person. It's because they were almost 2 and they are white. Also, it was online and deleted quickly, too.
Under Pressure :0
I notice sometimes people make themselves suffer things that are like pressured on them by others.
Ellen DeGeneres
Oh no!
I got mad at Ellen DeGeneres for seeming to think something bad. I couldn't really control my logic, though.. I don't know why.
I got mad at Ellen DeGeneres for seeming to think something bad. I couldn't really control my logic, though.. I don't know why.
Scared
Um, so why is everyone scared of someone else in how they treat me? Who's the threat? I thought we figured out I was right. How can we put a stop to this?
Also, I know some people are busy calculating things and never live. They try to stop others from living, too.
Also, I know some people are busy calculating things and never live. They try to stop others from living, too.
Chloë Moretz
Chloë Moretz hangs out with people other than Tim Burton, and she's not with him, now. }:|
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Why follow bad people?
Also, I thought I was pretty smart.
Something suddenly come up?
Chloë Moretz should Tweet @TheEllenShow?
Also, I thought I was pretty smart.
Something suddenly come up?
Chloë Moretz should Tweet @TheEllenShow?
Ellen DeGeneres and Chloë Moretz
Ellen DeGeneres has a new-founded interest for Chloë Moretz, and I fodder her for that.
Chloë Moretz
Chloë Moretz moved from Atlanta very young to NYC and became a child actor. My relatives are from Pennsylvania and New York. I'm a very moral person, and she seems to think she's a more moral person.
My Grandma
Sometimes, my grandma seems to not want me to "even go there." I wanted to pay her a visit.
The "N" Word Thing
Why did people treat me like trash for the "n" word thing? It wasn't even my idea. I probably shouldn't have listened, but I thought it was for fun, didn't really go first in a way,
Thoughts
Why are people doing all these things in case something happens and not listening to me?
Also, some people are discriminated against for having trouble in their lives and for "showing off" to established people.
Also, I don't sink low to make fun of someone.
Not everyone uses the same tactic in their lives.
If one thing is okay to mess up on, then why not another? Why only ruin some peoples's lives?
You think that you can totally outdo with someone and make no one sorry for them.
Some people are bad and think others should suffer the same thing, like "not live."
Also, some people are discriminated against for having trouble in their lives and for "showing off" to established people.
Also, I don't sink low to make fun of someone.
Not everyone uses the same tactic in their lives.
If one thing is okay to mess up on, then why not another? Why only ruin some peoples's lives?
You think that you can totally outdo with someone and make no one sorry for them.
Some people are bad and think others should suffer the same thing, like "not live."
White People
I think the message of white people was that they do have fun in a European way but it's not in a way that would harm you or make you feel jealous, in the least. Maybe, they end up being too careful.
Kids! What's the matter with kids! (To-day!)
Kids are always telling me not to get attention of adults.
Danger!
So, like accomplished|famous people want you to suffer the public to butter them up, when the public is already on your side, very obviously and totally against them, and they want to make you think that's not so and bore it into your head.
Good Show
What a good show.
Ellen was starting to speak about American Airlines, which always plays after her show.
New Orleans has a good airport, but it's not very big.
Oh, yes, and there were Asians dancing at the beginning and the end, pro at the end.
Ellen was starting to speak about American Airlines, which always plays after her show.
New Orleans has a good airport, but it's not very big.
Oh, yes, and there were Asians dancing at the beginning and the end, pro at the end.
Ellen DeGeneres
So, Ellen DeGeneres when she feels racist decides that she likes people who are sillier and younger better all of a sudden.
I found it interesting, too, that she has white hair and I am aware my relatives had light hair.
I found it interesting, too, that she has white hair and I am aware my relatives had light hair.
Mean People
People are so mean to me. I'd like to get it out on them.
I was watching the man with the disease on "The Ellen DeGeneres Show" and suddenly my left foot ankle went limp and sorta mellow and still is. Like on the front. I prized how it was kinda stiff and bent because it's a foot and it has strength.
I was watching the man with the disease on "The Ellen DeGeneres Show" and suddenly my left foot ankle went limp and sorta mellow and still is. Like on the front. I prized how it was kinda stiff and bent because it's a foot and it has strength.
"The 'Stupid' Ellen DeGeneres Show"
We'll see what happens when you start to comment.
I can't believe people don't do it.
It'll show that you don't know what to write.
I mean, I hope you do, but I know you won't.
I can't believe people don't do it.
It'll show that you don't know what to write.
I mean, I hope you do, but I know you won't.
People From up North
I don't wish to be dished into that category, but people who move here as a kid seem to be thought of as pleasurably conniving. I mean, they grew up feeling so like weighted down and then move to somewhere more mobile. They tend to live their lives tricking others.
Oops! I forgot to add why I was mad.
I used to have nightmares in high school and maybe even grade school that I would meet someone famous, vaguely, and, instead, they would pay attention to people I know they wouldn't otherwise. I don't know "the reason." :|
Dream
I don't remember all of it, I think.
I was in a big back room. It was kind dark. 2 relatives came and asked me if I wanted to do something with them, I think taking the big dance class. I was on my bed or maybe like a prison bed for some reason and my arm was stretched over my head. I was like no no no, no I'm going ot the DOCTOR tomorrow! They still wanted me to go. They turnd into 2 young girls holding my hands. I think I did go with them eventually. It was in the other room, a dance class. I fumbled with money in 3 methods. I started the class. The instructor was a tall, obese male with a flat rounded oval head and eyes that stuck out and dark hair and lighter skin. He got mad my money probably didn't go through, on my credit card, and said I'd spend a day in jail. I found that a girl who was nice to me, a younger one, was his daughter, and the older one was in my class.
There was another part I was in a car with my parents, somehow, and we went there for some reason, and it turned out it was a smoothie place. I was waiting in the car.
I remember now also when I was in the dance class, I watched myself and for some reason my eyes were moving so beautiful and glassy, like twitching back and forth rapidly but like milkily, magically kinda.. They seemed maybe even bluish.
I think the dream was serious.
I was contemplating doing something I don't really do instead of dance, staying in that room and contemplating like touching someone. I think I was. I don't know, but I used to think about that, when it happened. Now, I've sorta made up stuff. I was lying on my sofa lately, to avoid it but did not sleep as well, this time. Whenever I get in my sheets, I could chose to avoid this, but I get stimulated. I now end up thinking of stuff that relates to thoughts during the day. I like to feel stuff, but it's hard. I feel inhibited and surrounded. I'd prefer to feel something from another person than myself. I like to make up stuff, but it's not as good. I suppose the best thing is to make up being touched by someone you already know somewhat well.
It's funny, I don't know if I wanna go back to bed. I'll probably stay up and watch "The Ellen DeGeneres Show."
It was so hard to believe I imagined my eyes like that, so magical, so pretty, in all this.
The room where I took dance behind the other one was so big, too.
I was in a big back room. It was kind dark. 2 relatives came and asked me if I wanted to do something with them, I think taking the big dance class. I was on my bed or maybe like a prison bed for some reason and my arm was stretched over my head. I was like no no no, no I'm going ot the DOCTOR tomorrow! They still wanted me to go. They turnd into 2 young girls holding my hands. I think I did go with them eventually. It was in the other room, a dance class. I fumbled with money in 3 methods. I started the class. The instructor was a tall, obese male with a flat rounded oval head and eyes that stuck out and dark hair and lighter skin. He got mad my money probably didn't go through, on my credit card, and said I'd spend a day in jail. I found that a girl who was nice to me, a younger one, was his daughter, and the older one was in my class.
There was another part I was in a car with my parents, somehow, and we went there for some reason, and it turned out it was a smoothie place. I was waiting in the car.
I remember now also when I was in the dance class, I watched myself and for some reason my eyes were moving so beautiful and glassy, like twitching back and forth rapidly but like milkily, magically kinda.. They seemed maybe even bluish.
I think the dream was serious.
I was contemplating doing something I don't really do instead of dance, staying in that room and contemplating like touching someone. I think I was. I don't know, but I used to think about that, when it happened. Now, I've sorta made up stuff. I was lying on my sofa lately, to avoid it but did not sleep as well, this time. Whenever I get in my sheets, I could chose to avoid this, but I get stimulated. I now end up thinking of stuff that relates to thoughts during the day. I like to feel stuff, but it's hard. I feel inhibited and surrounded. I'd prefer to feel something from another person than myself. I like to make up stuff, but it's not as good. I suppose the best thing is to make up being touched by someone you already know somewhat well.
It's funny, I don't know if I wanna go back to bed. I'll probably stay up and watch "The Ellen DeGeneres Show."
It was so hard to believe I imagined my eyes like that, so magical, so pretty, in all this.
The room where I took dance behind the other one was so big, too.
MAD
It feels like my eyes are popping out of my head! D:{ I didn't do it!
Just because it's "going around" doesn't mean I AM PARTICIPATING.
Just because it's "going around" doesn't mean I AM PARTICIPATING.
Dream
It's hard to remember all of it. I remember I was going around. We were walking along a highway, gives me a feel with the struggles with "The Ellen DeGeneres Show." There was one lane with a cute name we walked along. We were gonna go a "cooler" way, but it said to butterfly into this. It was like a second road sticking out. We all sat around. There was like a paper of music, and the 2nd song seemed like a church or gospel spirit song. It was, however, "Ding Dong Merrily on High." I sang it and was loud right before the high part and kinda at the end. There was, you know, maybe 20 people there. I remember an obese black person with sorta big folded over eyes. I had a relative there it was interesting to "perform" for. I didn't know the rest of the songs. It was a bleak setting, black.
It was a sentimental feel, reminding me of the seriousness of "The Ellen DeGeneres Show."
So, I guess I still am tired because I didn't really sleep that much and was on my couch. I'm also hungry.
It was a sentimental feel, reminding me of the seriousness of "The Ellen DeGeneres Show."
So, I guess I still am tired because I didn't really sleep that much and was on my couch. I'm also hungry.
Dream
I just remember mostly that they were coming up with ideas of stimulating someone, just ideas, the most they could. I was in the car with my mom after awhile. She was telling me to write an essay. I didn't feel right about an afterthought and became harsh but not mad.
The idea remained that it was real, but I knew it was wrong.
I was sleeping on my couch, gonna go back to bed.
The idea remained that it was real, but I knew it was wrong.
I was sleeping on my couch, gonna go back to bed.
Older People
Older people are pretty selfish and basically are liars and, ultimately, make no sense.
I figured that people didn't grow up successfully.
Anyway, I already told you, I am not really impressed with the antics of Tim Burton. I don't mean his basic nice things. I mean what I got to know posting about him every day for 5 years. He's a center of attention, but basically he's only about his daughter, his youngest child.
I figured that people didn't grow up successfully.
Anyway, I already told you, I am not really impressed with the antics of Tim Burton. I don't mean his basic nice things. I mean what I got to know posting about him every day for 5 years. He's a center of attention, but basically he's only about his daughter, his youngest child.
Ellen DeGeneres
Why should I care about Ellen DeGeneres? Because just because of something that happens I know that she pretty much like makes a certain decision about something... and then I know that pretty much a lot of other people make similar decisiosn.
Why
Wow, I can only see some messages I chose to see.
I wonder why Ellen got so violent at that man? I guess I can see what she was doing. I don't know why?
I wonder why Ellen got so violent at that man? I guess I can see what she was doing. I don't know why?
Not Worth It, in Certain Things.. ..
I do like to get attention, but it seems that I'm not worth it, in some cases. I wish I was.
Things
So, I feel bad about being mean to someone and getting so mad. I didn't do anything to this person, but they like changed my life.
I believe I have formed a life in Florida. I can react very quickly, or maybe it's just something my body does.
People are afraid of what I can draw in, but I will let them have attention if they let me have my life, not to say I will stop something for no reason nor that I would really give something up for them. I'm just saying, in day to day life, I do that, but maybe some cases no, though actually...
I guess with that person, I'm just mad because things for me only changed for the better after I was used and made to look like a fool, as summed up, pretty much, though you could go on.
I'm not sure how I'll deal with it. I'm just mad in general and being poked at. If I am made to be tortured, some bad thoughts|words may come to my mind. I don't really find that to be the climax of what I do usually.
I believe I have formed a life in Florida. I can react very quickly, or maybe it's just something my body does.
People are afraid of what I can draw in, but I will let them have attention if they let me have my life, not to say I will stop something for no reason nor that I would really give something up for them. I'm just saying, in day to day life, I do that, but maybe some cases no, though actually...
I guess with that person, I'm just mad because things for me only changed for the better after I was used and made to look like a fool, as summed up, pretty much, though you could go on.
I'm not sure how I'll deal with it. I'm just mad in general and being poked at. If I am made to be tortured, some bad thoughts|words may come to my mind. I don't really find that to be the climax of what I do usually.
So, I did get "mad," when...
Ellen kept stuttering to a man with a disease where he stuttered after he was happy, like he was ... you know, a "nigger?" I don't associate that with him, just with what she did. She kept doing it, though, like as to torture him. I know, tonight, at the store, I thought I wanted to surround someone with words since just "nigger" wasn't enough for what was done to me. I guess she got him on a rapport, herself. Dunno what happened there. Maybe, it was like buttering him up for safety, and she knew he could stand it.
I really lost my "rapport," which, in a way, ultimately, doesn't matter, but those things aren't supposed to ever happen...
I don't know what's wrong with me. Before I left with my dad, I was okay. Then, my eyes popped out of my head, and I got mad because it was so insulting and pointless and controlling.
My mom told me never to get mad...
I still don't get some things, and they like loom over me as topics I could think about. They're not physically over me, though, like some things are outside of me. :/
I really lost my "rapport," which, in a way, ultimately, doesn't matter, but those things aren't supposed to ever happen...
I don't know what's wrong with me. Before I left with my dad, I was okay. Then, my eyes popped out of my head, and I got mad because it was so insulting and pointless and controlling.
My mom told me never to get mad...
I still don't get some things, and they like loom over me as topics I could think about. They're not physically over me, though, like some things are outside of me. :/
Feelings
So, I know I want to feel a certain way. I don't understand some things.. I figured everyone has their own dynamic, but, essentially, aren't we all the same?
Being Popular
Why listen to other people? I won't hurt people in the thoughts that someone else will if I don't.
Problems
It dawned on me I haven't been feeling right. Why has Tim Burton been so tricky?
I got mad today, hard to remember, and I figured that Tim Burton gives other people's places to his daughter. Wha?
I got mad today, hard to remember, and I figured that Tim Burton gives other people's places to his daughter. Wha?
Making People Look a Certain Way
I don't believe that's possible, but I mean you'd have to have extreme situations.
You can only do and know so much, you know?
You can only do and know so much, you know?
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
I don't mind certain things, but I mind that they're done for a reason.
Maybe, it shouldn't matter?
I can't wait until my life is not controlled by Tim Burton. Will that ever happen? I liked him, but he's been mean about being with Helena Bonham Carter and his kids. He makes people fight one another.
Maybe, it shouldn't matter?
I can't wait until my life is not controlled by Tim Burton. Will that ever happen? I liked him, but he's been mean about being with Helena Bonham Carter and his kids. He makes people fight one another.
Being "Gay" :)
I thought it was good because it means you're more interested.
I think some people do it for pleasure.
Well, so do I. I'm not really gay, but apparently it means something, you know.
I think some people do it for pleasure.
Well, so do I. I'm not really gay, but apparently it means something, you know.
Stimulating People
I make people feel totally at ease, when I do. :| I'm not necessarily very physical. I can be, it seems.
Stores
I'm very sorry for what I thought which was out-of-the-ordinary D*: and the other evil thought.
I'm also unhappy about the things that went wrong, today. It's just thoughts, nothing horrible.
I was in the stores a long time. My dad and I went 4 places. He thought I'd be in one store 2 minutes, but I got some clothes and was there for maybe 45 minutes. He called me. We haven't seen each other in awhile, and he had is iPad. I thought it was fun but wish I was quicker. Actually, I just got 1 new extra unplanned outfit. Not sure what I'd do if I was feeling better, maybe give a hint in a warning.
I'm also unhappy about the things that went wrong, today. It's just thoughts, nothing horrible.
I was in the stores a long time. My dad and I went 4 places. He thought I'd be in one store 2 minutes, but I got some clothes and was there for maybe 45 minutes. He called me. We haven't seen each other in awhile, and he had is iPad. I thought it was fun but wish I was quicker. Actually, I just got 1 new extra unplanned outfit. Not sure what I'd do if I was feeling better, maybe give a hint in a warning.
A Popular Topic
I want to know why some people keep on coming up in my life because of my atrocious behavior. People weren't answering me on e-mail, so I became desperate and kept e-mailing them. They should have told me to stop rather than abandon me.
Also, I just came home from college and was like not feeling well and had nothing to do. I didn't know what to do nor what to do money-wise.
So, pretty much, no one talks to me. Just online, I talk to people across the internet.
Also, I just came home from college and was like not feeling well and had nothing to do. I didn't know what to do nor what to do money-wise.
So, pretty much, no one talks to me. Just online, I talk to people across the internet.
What You Really Want
Why not just admit it? I don't know what I really want. I guess I want to get healthier and become an actor.
It's peculiar how it's hard to get close to some people. I want to know about other people, like how they will live their exact dreams. 8|
It's peculiar how it's hard to get close to some people. I want to know about other people, like how they will live their exact dreams. 8|
In Sync
I don't know how to fix the problem about me going crazy with my thoughts for some reason. I don't know why certain things come up. I've had that problem today and that it didn't matter. Something came up. I realized that things always come up. They came in sync.
Mad
So, I got mad while I was out. I felt like my eyes were popping out of my head with such force. My eyes got all blurry. I was wearing contacts.
I blamed who I blamed and thought something similar I thought before about someone else. It "fit in" and wasn't a deliberate wish. Later, I realized my life was overly controlled, and I wanted to know I could do the same since it stripped my of my dignity.
I blamed who I blamed and thought something similar I thought before about someone else. It "fit in" and wasn't a deliberate wish. Later, I realized my life was overly controlled, and I wanted to know I could do the same since it stripped my of my dignity.
The "N" Word Thing
It just seems things have escalated since the "n" word thing. Things were stressful before but not so much.
I mean, come one, think about what happened and for reasons other than the main cause.
I know people are wrong a lot. I've explained it before...
I mean, come one, think about what happened and for reasons other than the main cause.
I know people are wrong a lot. I've explained it before...
PROBLEMS
People are mistreating me for no reason.
I think people want me to feel more stimulated by my parents and not them, and I will not have them come into my home like that.
Also, people want me to be impressed that they know facts about what I will do, and it's like I'm not a person.
What is wrong with these people?
I'd like to learn how to put an end to this all.
I think people want me to feel more stimulated by my parents and not them, and I will not have them come into my home like that.
Also, people want me to be impressed that they know facts about what I will do, and it's like I'm not a person.
What is wrong with these people?
I'd like to learn how to put an end to this all.
Mad
So, I got mad and some things came out kinda bad but didn't really mean it. ,:p
I've been a bit ... er ... cantankerous.
I can tell when someone has "done" something they're not supposed to. I know you're supposed to put up with it, but I guess I wasn't feeling good. I'm not sure why it'd be fun to like attack me when I'm not well.
I've been a bit ... er ... cantankerous.
I can tell when someone has "done" something they're not supposed to. I know you're supposed to put up with it, but I guess I wasn't feeling good. I'm not sure why it'd be fun to like attack me when I'm not well.
Chloë Moretz
So, I know Chloë Moretz uses Instagram. I can't get it on Blackberry, and I like Blackberry. I have a red one, the last one in the store.
Ellen DeGeneres is on there.
I didn't follow her all summer, so it's nothing new to me. I hadn't looked at her Facebook at all.
Anyway, though, it seems as though anyone could Tweet Chloë Moretz every day. I find that some people like me, and I find that some people think they're so creative and want to take away that relationship. It's funny when you see people on the same wavelength as you. However, some people like to wait until it's too late. You can't tell me it just so happens after it's too late that I shouldn't be Tweeting Chloë Moretz! Because she's "with Tim Burton" on Dark Shadows. I actually made it known by posting in my blog and on my site and maybe my Twitter that I don't expect anyone to follow me, but they already should know that. I mean, some people have Twitters named after them. I just realized that I guess that means they look up to them more, but it's prestigious to feel like a role model, more, too. Hm, I wonder what that means?
Ellen DeGeneres is on there.
I didn't follow her all summer, so it's nothing new to me. I hadn't looked at her Facebook at all.
Anyway, though, it seems as though anyone could Tweet Chloë Moretz every day. I find that some people like me, and I find that some people think they're so creative and want to take away that relationship. It's funny when you see people on the same wavelength as you. However, some people like to wait until it's too late. You can't tell me it just so happens after it's too late that I shouldn't be Tweeting Chloë Moretz! Because she's "with Tim Burton" on Dark Shadows. I actually made it known by posting in my blog and on my site and maybe my Twitter that I don't expect anyone to follow me, but they already should know that. I mean, some people have Twitters named after them. I just realized that I guess that means they look up to them more, but it's prestigious to feel like a role model, more, too. Hm, I wonder what that means?
My Grandma
I talked to her, and my cheeks got bigger in a bad way. I talked about her recently, and I feel sensitive about one of my cheeks I've been sensitive over. I'm really mad. That's one reason I don't risk talking to her anymore but want to pay her a visit. I'm writing this in hopes of help. We used to have an okay relationship.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Other People
I will never be like other people just because I tripped up .. supposedly?
I find that people test me on higher levels.
I find that people test me on higher levels.
Things
If you think forcing me to do something makes me bad, that could be done to you, easily.
Also, I don't know about the fascination of knocking out someone of something in life that has them captivated and challenged for so long that they could not get rid of in a way they wanted.
Also, I don't know about the fascination of knocking out someone of something in life that has them captivated and challenged for so long that they could not get rid of in a way they wanted.
Dreams
I was remembering them before.
I guess I'll go into the 2nd one 1st, which isn't as lodged into my memory.
*Sigh* Nothing exciting in my subconscious dreams about Ellen DeGeneres, this time. :(
So, I know I was going somewhere at this point. We crossed the road to a playground. We had just eaten whatever each of our "lunches" were. So, supposedly this was polished versions of my second cousins's kids and kids.. It reminded me of Tim Burton's son in how it was soft but more thin and in a different way rather supple, in a funny way, too. So, they were all around. Well, their parents were there, too, and they still looked young as ever. So, I was going around the playground, walking, romping maybe like as though side to side, the very oldest and biggest in this. They were all still quite little. Like toddlers and in fact not all in it. I think there were warped versions. So, it started one was atop a slide trying to say this was the chocolate place we were to come to, but I was convinced it was dirty water. I went on another thing, and there were snails on the side. With the girl we had to like bar our way down a slide or something, and I told her it wouldn't hurt if she fell. It was pretty tall. So, on the other thing I guess it was apparently pretty dangerous, like I couldn't hold my balance. It actually slowly in a way fell over completely. Ooh wow, but I survived fine, see, no worries. I don't remember what else happened so much. There were negotiations and people interacting.
It's hard to remember the other one, now, for some reason, something like school, ah yes. I said I was switching out of like 4 classes, like it was my last year. I was like winding up at the stress or winding down, in my head. So, I got in band. I wanted to do flute. I pointed there and asked a friend. There were on both sides, back and on the other side front, like maybe over 100 flutes. So, I got clarinet with my friend's little sister, who was very small in this but not very skinny. I said, I wanted to play clarinet, like before. Then, I said I wanted to play oboe, with a smile, like really, and maybe how I tried and couldn't. The clarinet leads to oboe, the hardest instrument.
Well, those are the two main things.
In the one about the playground, which I think was second, at first, I was groping through frozen pizza and other things we don't have in the freezer. There were different sizes but none standard. There was one set apart for my brother that was more appetizing, I could tell because it had somehow for some reason a double layer shell with ham added on top. Like taco shells. I guess I cooked something up and it was supposedly that I went and ate it with my family. It was a sorta lethargic, lazy scene, though. My dad was like up in a regiment.
It was cute seeing my cousins with mousy, bouncy, thick hair, kinda like tapered at the ends or more wet at the ends moreso. They were like cute versions of the real thing, cute in reality but like played down.
I only know of one cousin who is older, but she was never around. I did e-mail her when I started high school. She is 2 years older. She has I think plenty older relatives on her side.
So, it was a nice dream. I guess the exciting part was in the playground fighting the obstacles for some reason. It was like being in a war. We were basically stranded.
Oh, yes, I was cleaning my bathtub after taking a bath and there was a round thing with spikes and maybe other body parts, well yes, supposedly I guess a bumblebee. The tub was draining and I was gonna cup it out. However, it turned into a little moat at the end and I found more bigger body parts that would somehow make it a bigger kind of bug, like a big grasshopper cockroach, which really somehow freaked me out beyond words. I think the round thing was yellow, supposedly with black splatters. The rest were supposedly the same yet now a different color. I just left it and was gonna get a janitor to take care of it. I was just going around. It was disgusting when I realized I was lying in my tub with that thing.
So, it was funny, I guess we had somehow feasted, though I don't think we did, and we were going across the wildnerness, feeling in danger, unprotected and set up. We crossed a road. There were very very tall, somewhat skinny, darker green trees and a dusty dirt road. The dusty playground was hidden behind more trees. We were still wanting chocolate. I said I wanted a big thing of chocolate, like stuff put together. Some fit black girls were with me and approved, kinda not looking at me so much, though. 2 I think. Kinda supple, I know, especially 1.
We were so barren when we realized we were deserted but made it through okay emotionally somehow. The kids were a big wide-eyed, I might say. I think they were worried.
I seem to remember another interaction, maybe with older kids, but it's hard to remember.
Also, I was talking to someone about JROTC and that I had done it, Junior Reserve Officers Training Corpse, the military, a different branch at each public high school. It was just mentioned. Something else, too, I think.
So, kinda a barren, hungry dream, needless to say, better than previous ones.
I guess I'll go into the 2nd one 1st, which isn't as lodged into my memory.
*Sigh* Nothing exciting in my subconscious dreams about Ellen DeGeneres, this time. :(
So, I know I was going somewhere at this point. We crossed the road to a playground. We had just eaten whatever each of our "lunches" were. So, supposedly this was polished versions of my second cousins's kids and kids.. It reminded me of Tim Burton's son in how it was soft but more thin and in a different way rather supple, in a funny way, too. So, they were all around. Well, their parents were there, too, and they still looked young as ever. So, I was going around the playground, walking, romping maybe like as though side to side, the very oldest and biggest in this. They were all still quite little. Like toddlers and in fact not all in it. I think there were warped versions. So, it started one was atop a slide trying to say this was the chocolate place we were to come to, but I was convinced it was dirty water. I went on another thing, and there were snails on the side. With the girl we had to like bar our way down a slide or something, and I told her it wouldn't hurt if she fell. It was pretty tall. So, on the other thing I guess it was apparently pretty dangerous, like I couldn't hold my balance. It actually slowly in a way fell over completely. Ooh wow, but I survived fine, see, no worries. I don't remember what else happened so much. There were negotiations and people interacting.
It's hard to remember the other one, now, for some reason, something like school, ah yes. I said I was switching out of like 4 classes, like it was my last year. I was like winding up at the stress or winding down, in my head. So, I got in band. I wanted to do flute. I pointed there and asked a friend. There were on both sides, back and on the other side front, like maybe over 100 flutes. So, I got clarinet with my friend's little sister, who was very small in this but not very skinny. I said, I wanted to play clarinet, like before. Then, I said I wanted to play oboe, with a smile, like really, and maybe how I tried and couldn't. The clarinet leads to oboe, the hardest instrument.
Well, those are the two main things.
In the one about the playground, which I think was second, at first, I was groping through frozen pizza and other things we don't have in the freezer. There were different sizes but none standard. There was one set apart for my brother that was more appetizing, I could tell because it had somehow for some reason a double layer shell with ham added on top. Like taco shells. I guess I cooked something up and it was supposedly that I went and ate it with my family. It was a sorta lethargic, lazy scene, though. My dad was like up in a regiment.
It was cute seeing my cousins with mousy, bouncy, thick hair, kinda like tapered at the ends or more wet at the ends moreso. They were like cute versions of the real thing, cute in reality but like played down.
I only know of one cousin who is older, but she was never around. I did e-mail her when I started high school. She is 2 years older. She has I think plenty older relatives on her side.
So, it was a nice dream. I guess the exciting part was in the playground fighting the obstacles for some reason. It was like being in a war. We were basically stranded.
Oh, yes, I was cleaning my bathtub after taking a bath and there was a round thing with spikes and maybe other body parts, well yes, supposedly I guess a bumblebee. The tub was draining and I was gonna cup it out. However, it turned into a little moat at the end and I found more bigger body parts that would somehow make it a bigger kind of bug, like a big grasshopper cockroach, which really somehow freaked me out beyond words. I think the round thing was yellow, supposedly with black splatters. The rest were supposedly the same yet now a different color. I just left it and was gonna get a janitor to take care of it. I was just going around. It was disgusting when I realized I was lying in my tub with that thing.
So, it was funny, I guess we had somehow feasted, though I don't think we did, and we were going across the wildnerness, feeling in danger, unprotected and set up. We crossed a road. There were very very tall, somewhat skinny, darker green trees and a dusty dirt road. The dusty playground was hidden behind more trees. We were still wanting chocolate. I said I wanted a big thing of chocolate, like stuff put together. Some fit black girls were with me and approved, kinda not looking at me so much, though. 2 I think. Kinda supple, I know, especially 1.
We were so barren when we realized we were deserted but made it through okay emotionally somehow. The kids were a big wide-eyed, I might say. I think they were worried.
I seem to remember another interaction, maybe with older kids, but it's hard to remember.
Also, I was talking to someone about JROTC and that I had done it, Junior Reserve Officers Training Corpse, the military, a different branch at each public high school. It was just mentioned. Something else, too, I think.
So, kinda a barren, hungry dream, needless to say, better than previous ones.
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